[OctobersBlackRose]

Had DBT group and individual therapy today. We mostly talked politics in individual, to release some anxiety, not much but some. Things went well though.

Apparently my 16yr old sister decided last night she was moving in with my Dad today, for good, totally caught my Mom off guard as she got the news when she woke up this morning. Lets just say she isn't in a good mood today. I don't live there so I don't know exactly what went down other than it had something to do with my step dad turning the WiFi off and my other sister getting mad about it, I really don't know though. So my Mom now thinks she is a bad Mom, which she isn't. So I really don't know.

Now just laying down with my cat listening to music to keep myself calm.

Another brief break in the isolation drills. The labor is slow and monotonous, but progress beats couch-lock. I've been listening to Guy McPherson lectures on YouTube as I work. With a climate denier as the new head of the EPA my anxieties seem minuscule in the context of Near-Term Extinction, so I embrace the greater evil. Let me know if that makes any sense. I'd be crushing Valium tablets and cutting the powder into lines if I wasn't afraid that it would slow me down.

[Unrigged64072835]

Another slow day. Been trying to learn Javascript as it could be used in Web page design, and it's hurting my head. Also been tired but not tired enough to take a nap. My brain and body are both slowing down.

[Nammu]

Cleared the air with my daughter....so the world looks a bit brighter. Did the lotion and face cream after my shower so feeling physically good too.

[Faltering]

I went to the pharmacy today and they let me have my 14 days worth of Latuda. I still need a plan for what I'm going to do when the pills run out because I don't see a pdoc until next month. I think the med has helped eliminate my hallucinations, but I still have some severe symptoms like uncontrollable rage. I probably need a higher dose but I can't afford it. I will see what my new pdoc thinks about either signing up for a financial assistance program or switching meds. I wish Latuda had a generic.

[Wander]

Being heavily medicated due to SI while IP. Crying constantly about happy stuff mostly which is odd but it still upsets me. Hangover from the meds. hoping that will pass. My doctor told me last night that this will pass, he encouraged me to hang on, to not give up and let the staff at the hospital care for me. It was touching to know he cares so much. He came in at 7pm after working from 8am just to see me. I am lucky to have him.

Apparently I am delusional and a bit grandiose even though my mania has eased. I just feel so connected with the universe and god-like in a powerful way. He said that is a sign of my illness even though he is open to spiritual experiences while manic. Today I feel like I have hit the concrete at free-fall speed and all spiritual feelings are gone. I miss them as I miss the mania. Right now my mood is black, anxious, panicked and wild. I don;t know how I am going to get through today, never alone the next few minutes. Somebody help me.

Oh I know this and one of my threads update similar details, sorry for the overlap bit I find writing help and sometimes cannot stop once starting.

Originally Posted by Wander

Being heavily medicated due to SI while IP. Crying constantly about happy stuff mostly which is odd but it still upsets me. Hangover from the meds. hoping that will pass. My doctor told me last night that this will pass, he encouraged me to hang on, to not give up and let the staff at the hospital care for me. It was touching to know he cares so much. He came in at 7pm after working from 8am just to see me. I am lucky to have him.

Apparently I am delusional and a bit grandiose even though my mania has eased. I just feel so connected with the universe and god-like in a powerful way. He said that is a sign of my illness even though he is open to spiritual experiences while manic. Today I feel like I have hit the concrete at free-fall speed and all spiritual feelings are gone. I miss them as I miss the mania. Right now my mood is black, anxious, panicked and wild. I don;t know how I am going to get through today, never alone the next few minutes. Somebody help me.

Oh I know this and one of my threads update similar details, sorry for the overlap bit I find writing help and sometimes cannot stop once starting.

(((Wander)))

Bored. Housebound. Dull. Sad.Lost.Lonely.

[jacky8807]

Ended up inpatient. Just got out today after becoming heavily suicidal. Doing much better. Got off the wellbutrin and added celexa into the mix. We shall see. ...

My stomach is still a problem. The pain is making my mood a little foul but it could be worse all things considered. I'm okay overall but ready for this stomach/pelvis lower back pain to go away already. And all my bones ache. But it could be worse....I could have a migraine and thankfully don't. ((((Hugs to everyone who is feeling bad, physically, emotionally or both))))

[xRavenx]

I officially ended my relationship yesterday. It was really emotional and hard for me to break it to him. We've been through a lot of ups and downs, but I came to the conclusion it was not a healthy relationship for me. I've been hurt too many times. I do wish him the best. He's hurt, but was understanding.

There's no one left to blame anymore...I just need to do what's best for myself. I want him to be happy too and wish him the best. I hate hurting people (even when I'm hurting) though. I need to be alone right now since I find it too stressful to keep up with a relationship, My swings between mania and depression are not completely under control.

I don't feel I can be there for anyone right now in a relationship. I need to be alone for a while to work on myself. It took me a lot to finally make this move, since I do care about him, even though I've been hurt by him....but I have to be true to myself.

[jtassar93]

Slept for like 13 hours from the seroquel. Layed in bed staring at the ceiling for a few hours. Managed to get a load of laundry done. I waited until my sister was home until I went downstairs though lol. She helped me with my hallucinations and paranoia all day. It was nice having her back to help me. Other than that all I did was stay awake.

I'm doing much better. Been cooking more. Made spare ribs and Mac and cheese the other night for my son and I. He devoured them, lol. They came out perfect. tried decreasing the zyprexa. Couldn't sleep and felt paranoid and had zero appetite. I'm only on 2.5 mgs but I've decided I'm just gonna stay on it. My family says it's the best they've seen me doing in years. I feel the same.

Making stuffed peppers tonight. I'm still losing weight, just not as rapidly as I was before. Need to start walking tho but it hurts my back. But I've got to start.

Finally coming to terms with the election results. Worried for a lot of ppl tho. And worried about my housing and healthcare. But have to wait and see.

Very thankful for my son and family and friends. Today has been a good day.

I have just ordered my advent calendar!.

I am getting a lint one this year (best chocolate their is)

it's actually coming tomorrow, I just need to find the will power not to actually open it before december first

1 of my online friends sent me a file of them singing

omg it's beautiful!. if only they would allow me, I would share it on here (I might ask them)

Wow. My phone is bricked as of 2 hours ago. It bricked itself.

This sucks

Thank god I bought insurance on the phone when I first got it, but damn...

I'm surprised that I haven't gone apeshit. Yay for self control!

[hopeless2015]

Feeling good, had therapy last night and we talked about the progress I've made and that we just might have the meds combo right finally. Also therapist is moving to their new location in another town so last night was my last session. I'm feeling ok with that right now and she said to contact her if I have any issues, even said to email her if I'm in a crisis

[Coconutzo]

I'm freaking out

[Nammu]

What's up coco?

Had my first appointment with my new therapist today and it went well. I really liked her and she said nothing I found condescending or rude. I felt so comfortable and heard so it was nice. I feel like we will really be able to make some progress and I'm looking forward to seeing what that will look like. I was very sick and worried I wouldn't make the appointment this morning because I was up all night moaning and wallowing in sickness and pain but it all came together today and for that I'm grateful.

[Coconutzo]

Originally Posted by Nammu

What's up coco?

Thanks. I just can't deal. Usually I can go through the motions but this depression is swallowing me. I'm so anxious. I can't sleep. I'm nauseous and overwhelmed. My head feels like it's gonna spin right off.
I know I'll be fine. I had an uber driver ask me last night what my reason for living was. I couldn't come up with a god dang thing. I feel hopeless. I can't even hide it at work.

[OctobersBlackRose]

Woke up with high anxiety, but it is a little better now. Got to stay away from political stuff for a bit, but it is hard to not see it as yahoo sends me things on my phone every so often. I don't read the articles though unless they really interest me, I just look at the headline amd usually swipe.it away. This is about it today, not much going on here. But it is 60° in the middle of November, and it's supposed to be 67° tomorrow, then the temps will drop drastically over the weekend.

[Unrigged64072835]

Another slow day. Spent a lot of time on PC. Didn't do much coding. Took a nap for a while. Just not feeling it.

Taking daughter to the mall so she can get her Pokemon games later tonight.

Therapy is hitting me. I talked about some stuff from my past that I've never talked to anyone about other than my husband and parents and friend who witnessed some of the assaults or the immediate aftermath. I only talked about the tip of the iceberg but it all came out so fast and I said I'm done talking and started sobbing but composed myself which my doctor congratulated me on but now it's hitting me and I'm sobbing again. It was all too much to go through for a sensitive person such as myself (or anyone for that matter). And the resulting paranoia and delusions against my safety are a direct result most likely which means I've been permanently scared by these people. Irrevocably damaged which just feels so very bad right now. I don't know how I will make it through therapy and talking about all this garbage. But I think it's vital I do and I cannot repress these emotions even if I did try which I'm not suppressing them....I'm letting myself really feel the truth and the truth isn't pretty. The therapist did say there is some complex PTSD stuff but that with my family history of mental illnesses and the types of my delusions, I may or may not have had these problems had I not experienced what I did. I behaved so strangely and did so many odd things and really changed in profound ways. The paranoia is what clung. This constant worry for my safety and the safety of my family. I want it all gone and I sure hope therapy produces more than just pain.

Had appointment yesterday. She was trying to decide if I needed to be sent for IP intake because I've been in despair and having ideation, but I don't currently feel destabilized enough to be imminent danger. The pressure cooker's bearing down, but without agitation, I can hold tight for now.

Was able to assure her that I was open to seeking help at the hospital should it become necessary.