Saw my Pdoc

Today I finally got to see my pdoc as I hadn't seen him since Tuesday (I am IP). I have been fascinated to know what he thinks is happening to me as I have been feeling god-like, euphoric, paranoid (at times) with racing thoughts and stimuli from surroundings making my brain feel like it is going to explode. It is interesting to me as I have never felt this high and last Sunday I was in such a dark place that I wrote my goodbye letter.

Dr says I am clearly manic but the fact that I have paranoia (over one thing) and was so dark only a few days ago he decided I am in a mixed episode, mostly manic. He also added that I am dissociating from the trauma, hence the fact that I was obsessed with it till Tuesday morning and then suddenly switched to euphoria where nothing bothers me. Kind of a self-protection mechanism.

I asked if I could be discharged and he said that would be dangerous as I don't have enough insight to keep myself safe or not make a massive fool of myself. I don't want to discharge against medical advice so I am stuck here till at least Tuesday as I see my dr again on Monday. Good news is that he is allowing me to have leave this weekend as long as I go with my Mum or Dad. Can't wait to get out and explore the world for a few hours tomorrow.

I told him i thought i was only hypomanic but he insisted that i am indeed manic. i have strong urges to push it further and get as manic as possible, to experience the extremes of my mind. I have never been this manic before. I am rambling, sorry. I just can't stop writing and talking and thinking.

Anyway, that's where i am at. All is great except the anxiety and agitation. My meds haven't been changed. guess it is just a wait and see game.

I'm sorry you are in a mix d episode and sorry you have paranoia too. I'm glad you are mostly euphoric and should be able to explore the world a bit with the help of your parents. It's good that you finally got to see your doctor and get a better idea of what is going on.

I called today to have my doctor allow me to take my Wellbutrin since I felt myself falling into the abyss. Instead of feeling powerful, I feel powerless.....I feel depressed but doctor said I'm clearly manic and cannot have AD's right now. They gave me haldol and it knocked me down again several notches. I don't get it. It's like I'm being forced down into the pit and told to be a quiet good girl.

I hope your upswing sticks around a bit longer, but not so much as to keep you in the hospital longer than necessary.

Are you mixed, like dysphoric mania? Sounds like you are really suffering. What manic symptoms doe you have, if you don't mind me asking, cause the depression sounds terrible. I know when I was mixed in a very dark place in June my doctor wouldn't give me an AD. I was tried on so many meds and nothing worked until I was given Modafinal, a stimulant. I mean WTF? The mixed stopped within hours of taking it. I was then put on Ritalin but fell into a depression. Then my doctor relented and put me on Cymbalta but,well, here I am - manic as ****! So I am off the Cymbalta now.

So hard to deal with BP depression safely. I really hope your mood lifts soon. PM me anytime. xx

My mania is racing thoughts, disturbed sleep (but I am getting some so this part could be worse). Feeling like I have stimulants running for though my veins. I feel people intentionally tried to murder my son and should be locked up for attempted murder of a vulnerable person (I'm told this is delusional but it's my reality)

I was very connected to the creator a few days ago (pre-election) and felt a oneness and appreciation for all people and all things. I was high as a kite and pleasantly chatty and harmless. Things have switched.

I'm worn down and sick but can only sleep in small blocks. My panic is through the roof. People cannot understand....they feel I should not be hysterical....but it is easy for them to say and there child's life is not on the line. Even if I am delusional, put yourself in my shoes and you might be feeling the same. My stomach is killing me. My doctor said it's okay to go back down to my previous dose of Geodon and see if it's more tolerable. I always eat my 500cal with it. Have since day one. Seems eating just makes the whole situation worse. I need bowel rest but can't do it with needing to eat 500cal at night just to take Geodon.

Interesting how your mood state switched with the extreme stress of the election. Mine switched from stress too. Then switched again to happy mania. Gosh this illness is f*****!

Must be so hard with you IBS too. Wish I could help. Hope it eases very soon.

Stress is a big issues for me. Usually I tolerate it well but I was already in what the doctors called a mixed state pre election but it was mostly euphoric.....post election is dysphoric and I'm reading false allegations and have been fed hysteria from the other side for months and am now told that it's not acceptable for me to be hysterical while they were hysterical for 8 years! While we watched health care improve, unemployment go down and the stock market and housing market recover. Can't I at least have a few weeks to let this all settle in?

I feel like I'm falling from the sky without a parachute? Will a large tree brace my landing? Will I fall head first into concrete? Will I die and be reborn again into something new? Who will that person be? Will I recognize her? Will I like her? Will I have any respect for her at all? Will I be a new improved version of myself? Will someone grab me from the sky and tandem jump me and pull the string of safety?

I can't imagine how that must feel but i do know that at least the episode you are in will pass. Are you safe?

Currently yes. I will go to the hospital if anything changes. I usually try my best to stay out of the hospital and it's hubby giving me a gentle nudge to consider going. Now I feel I need whiteness and sterility and the hospital sounds safe and I've asked to go but hubby said it's not needed and to give the new meds a chance. I'm ready for battle while feeling exhausted at the same time....worn out but amped up. Seems an impossible combo but I'm just lucky enough to find this 4 leaf clover. Wish it brought good luck but it just confuses everything. Sorry to steal your thread talking about myself.

How are you holding up? Still feeling good?

If anyone wants to write, they will. To me it sounds like hospital is the best place for you. Nudge your hubby again later if you are no better. I'm glad you have him.

I just lay down for half an hour after the Zyprexa hit me. I had been avoiding meds so I could stay high but the agitation was getting to me. I am calmer now and less manic. Still pretty high though. In shock a bit at what my doctor said. I didn't think I was that unwell. Gosh, I still don't but to have him tell me I am full blown manic and mixed, so i guess dysphoric mania, was tough to hear. I don't know why. I thought I was fine, a bit elevated, but fine. Now I am worried about the crash. I want to stay high, or get even higher. I am a bit confused and conflicted. Stupid Olanzapine making me think straight.

You see my T has always said I am BP2 as I have not had a manic episode. pdoc said BP1 due to severity of mixed episodes. Now both agree BP1. I still don't believe it really. I feel so damn well. Weird having people say I am very ill while feeling so good, except for agitation. Oh well, maybe I will be a good girl and take my zyprexa regularly and hopefully go back to 'normal'...but I don't want that. I want to stay here. Im in a bit of a bind.

Wander, I am so glad you are getting a pass tomorrow! It sounds like a good plan. You get to get out and have some fun exploring just like you've been wanting to, while staying safe.

It seems so hard to see sometimes how we can be a danger to ourselves when euphoric, because it's the very time we think nothing could go wrong, right?! We're invincible! Except we're not (dammit! lol) And it's such a place to be! -- hoping not to crash, but not wanting to even come down to the middle zone to try to avoid it at the same time as wanting to go even higher! Ah, BP.... such a mind-messer...so much contradiction.

I had to laugh a little when you said, "Stupid Olanzapine making me think straight." I know, right?! But it's better than crashing, that's for sure.

It's so bringing to mind my last strong euphoric high. I didn't want to hear squat about being good -- it DID feel like being told to be a good little girl! But I *was* pretty well like a 6 year old on a sugar rush, lol!

Alas, they are right. The ride doesn't last. Better to get off the ferris wheel where you can step out onto a platform than to be thrown down from the top.

Don't worry about being "normal". You will be awesome. As ever. Just not flying without a parachute.

Thanks Innerzone. I am so happy to be going out today but the Olanzapine made me over-sleep and now I feel hungover and flat. Hoping my happy-fluffy-bunnies mood returns soon. I hate feeling so dull in my mind. I did sleep 9 hours straight though so I guess that must have been good for me.

Yeh, and I am still thinking straight...damn! lol. I hope the mania hasn't ended. I felt so amazing. No more Olanzapine for me I think now. I want my joy back. Right now I feel so dull-minded, maybe it will clear up as the day passes. Issues are starting to bother me too, whereas when manic I was untouchable. I don't want to return to the place I was last Sunday, a very dark mixed place. Oh, what to do. today I will go out with my Mum (not allowed out by myself) and walk along the beach, have lunch and do some shopping. Should be a great change from being in this one room for a week.