I am just trying to avoid any reffrences to mothers day or anything special like special request shows on the radio or special programmes

hopefully then I'll be okay

today is hard, very hard

having not spoken to my mother in 12 years... well yeah

[scatterbrained04]

Doing a little better today so far. Yesterday I stayed in bed until 2pm. My anger was out of control too. Missed my morning Trileptal yesterday. Then I got mixed up last night. Either missed my gabapentin or Trileptal. Tossed and turned most of the night. Feeling really overwhelmed by what I need to do today. And shaky. Just realized I've lost 5 lbs in the last week. Not sure what is going on with me. Bouncing from ok and productive to depressed. Anxiety and irritability. My sleep is still ok mostly.

I've been feeling really depressed. I've also been violent, as the depression causes me to have a short fuse.

Yesterday afternoon, I tried to smash my laptop because it was loading too slowly, but fortunately, I only made a (rather large) dent in the lid. Otherwise, no harm.

I also tried to crush my phone with my hands and I threw it against a wall. I was making audible "ugggghhh" sounds out of rage.

I haven't had a rage like this since November 2016. I really want to stop these depressive rages. They make me feel so guilty, and the guilt just feeds the depression.

[Naynay99]

I didn't get out of bed until 4 pm! I feel physically and mentally like absolute shiit. I am contemplating leaving the house to forage for something to eat as it is 6 pm and I am starving. I have not gotten very far yet.

I have accomplished absolutely nothing this whole weekend. I Feel like a ****iing failure at life right now. I don't know how I am going to make it to work this week. I have a bunch of work to do and I can barely even function. While I have no intention of doing anything, the urge to cut out of here early is strong. I don't know what to do to crawl out of this hole.

I am considering fxcking around with my sleep in an attempt to get rid of this depression. In the past, not sleeping at all for a day or two sometimes kicks my mood go up a lot temporarily. Idk if I can actually follow thru in this state of exhaustion or if it will work but it seems worth a shot. It's probably a really stupid idea but I don't even see my pdoc for a week & 1/2.

Anyway, I am busy having a day.
Take care all.

[wildflowerchild25]

Well I had a good Saturday and a mostly good day today but as usual I am starting to become anxious about work. I know what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't know why I am so anxious about work. I guess I just know I'm an ineffective teacher and it gets me down. I can't control my class at all and I have no idea why. It's me, there's something about me because I had the same problems in my old school. And apparently my students don't act crazy in their other resource class (except the girl, she's a problem everywhere). So I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired at the end of the year bc my observations weren't so great and I didn't make my SGOs. I think bc I'm new to the district they might give me another year to improve but I'm not sure.

And in other news, I'm in a medication quandary. Invega has caused my prolactin to skyrocket which has caused massive weight gain and prediabetes. I have lost some weight through low carb but seem to have plateaued. Plus my insurance won't cover the invega anymore anyway. But here I am, the most stable I've been in years (save for the anxiety). Why do I have to choose between a healthy mind or a healthy body? I'm considering switching to vraylar but I am absolutely terrified I will destabilize. I can't work when I am unstable and I know the public school district will NOT be forgiving of long absences as my private school was. I guess the only ting to do is try it and if I destabilize go back to invega pills instead of injection and suffer the physical side effects.

Bipolar blows.

[Unrigged64072835]

Went to church today. Had to stay awhile so my daughter could get to work on time. It was uncomfortable being the only person at a table while other tables were full. I ended up leaving and going outside in the rain.

Finished working on my pictures from yesterday. Also wrote a poem.

Making spaghetti for dinner because I didn't plan out the week's menus. Did that after dinner. Will have to do groceries tomorrow. Ugh.

Anxiety hit again so I took meds and lied down for an hour. That seemed to help.

[Naynay99]

Update- I left the house! Went a whole mile away to pick up some dinner- pizza and salad.
And now I have lunch for tomorrow. So I did do 1 thing today.
It's not much, but it is something.
Now I'm ready to crawl back into my bed...

[Lifeischallenging]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Hang in there.....are you currently depressed? When depressed I feel that everyone hates me and is mad at me or that they just don't understand how much I'm hurting. I'm currently very sick and caught up in my own baggage so I'm not as active as I sometime am able to be. I don't know you, but I do care that your hurting. Keep posting and giving people the chance to support you. (((Hugs)))

Hey,
Actually, I am Bipolar. Its hard 'cuz I do have those manic episodes where I feel fine and no one is out to get me. I even feel on top of the world at times. Its right now when I feel people don't care. But then that doesn't sound like I have Bipolar Disorder.

Originally Posted by TheHPEnthusiast1987

Hey,
Actually, I am Bipolar. Its hard 'cuz I do have those manic episodes where I feel fine and no one is out to get me. I even feel on top of the world at times. Its right now when I feel people don't care. But then that doesn't sound like I have Bipolar Disorder.

Yes, the highs can feel good. I didn't understand though, are you currently manic or depressed? I hope you are being supported.

[Naynay99]

I actually did accomplish some school work tonite.
I Didn't leave my chair but I did do my lesson plans and made up 2 different versions of a test. So I should be less overwhelmed tomorrow assuming I can get out of bed to show up.
Something is wrong with me though I think, besides the depression. I'm feeling physically not right. I Hope it's nothing to worry about. I can't really deal with any more.

I watched homeland while doing work but feel like I missed some impt stuff so will have to rewatch it tomorrow. Going to bed. I think I am ****ed. Every day all I can manage to do is work and sleep. I can't keep up with the rest of my life right now. I really need some help, but I don't really have anybody here to ask to help pick up some of the slack. Ah well.

Have a good week everyone.

[Nammu]

Nay nay I once had an episode like that, all I could do was sleep when I wasn't working. I almost drove the car off the road I was so tired on my way back to work.....turned out I had pneumonia. ( after I arrived at work my supervisor sent me to the ER) Blew me away cause I had no other symptoms, just so tired all I could do was sleep.

[scatterbrained04]

At work trying to keep to myself. So irritable and depressed. Just want to go lay in bed.

[Moose72]

Just paid the cell phone bill for me and the kids. They know when I do because they get the same "thank you" text I do.

I'm hoping my friend will want to walk the mall and not sleep in too much. But speaking of that I slept in today. Got up and had breakfast but then went back to sleep and had wild dreams for 3 hours! I didn't need the sleep. Tomorrow I will be going to the gym so no sleeping in.

Talked with pdoc's nurse this afternoon too. She's going to email Pdoc but Pdoc isn't in the office. I just want to figure out where to go with the zyprexa. I've got to get off it.

[Daonnachd]

I didn't go to work today. I'm in bed with a cold. I hope I can make it tomorrow.

[Sunflower123]

Feeling really depressed and anxious today. Trying to navigate empty nest syndrome while battling severe depression.

someone came round with a KFC today!. it was awesome. seeing as I can't get out to get 1, mmmm!

I also renewed my membership to an anagram game I play (so now i'm good until 2019)

I am feeling pretty good

[hopeless2015]

Feeling like a loser today, I haven't had one of these days in a awhile...it sucks. I'll try to get back on track tomorrow. Back to the gym and back to work.

Just listened to "not ready to make nice" by the Dixie chicks and decided it's my theme song and was written for me or people in my situation. Independence Day by Martina McBride is another theme song resonating with me these days.

[Mystic_Lotus46]

I am okay today.

[Naynay99]

I worked today. Not at top form but okay I guess. I'm glad I did some paper work last night- it made today much less stressful. Of course that's all I did.
I Went to urgent care today after work bc I have not been feeling right- they found something so am now treating that,and i hope to feel a little better soon. At least physically...

I haven't had any urges to off myself lately, so that's good. I don't think upping the lamictal has done anything, but don't want my pdoc to be right so am gonna try it for a few more days at the higher dose. Depression be gone just to spite my jerky pdoc! Lol

I am struggling to be fully present at work. To give a shiit about the random stuff my coworker friends talk about during lunch. Which then makes me feel like an asshole. It is just exhausting to even be there; to have to listen to my cotescbers ***** about some fake problem like a kid losing his paper or realizing the yogurt they bought was expired makes me want to scream.

Anyway, sending some positive thoughts across the universe to u fine folks.

[scatterbrained04]

My concentration is bad. It's making work difficult. Would love to read but probably a no go. Still irritable and anxious and depressed. Having thoughts of ditching meds and SI and just self destructing. Going to run out of gabapentin a week before my pdoc appointment next Friday. While I know I should call him, I can't get myself to do it. Trying so hard to hold it together. It's all falling apart around me.

[Unrigged64072835]

Been busy today. Went to T and mainly talked about my husband's surgery and my progress driving. We also talked about the new pictures I added.

Picked up groceries from three places. Went with my husband to see the psych nurse. Then went to pick up a skirt, a couple of t-shirts, and some blue shoes. Now I'm ready for reading at church next month.

Wrote a poem and posted it in Creative Corner.

Going to make dinner here soon. I picked a chicken this afternoon as well, so I have enough meat to make chimichangas.

Been too busy to feel anxious, though I did feel some nervousness early this afternoon. Will be seeing pdoc tomorrow so will bring this up again. Kind of a lightly rolling waves on the seas.

[hopeless2015]

Took a shower and went and bought another pack of cigarettes....tgey are the devil! I can't seem to control the cravings right now and feel like a failure. I just got over pneumonia and didn't smoke for almost two weeks. So stupid!

[xRavenx]

I saw my T today. She had some good feedback...I'm going to try some of her tips when it comes to dealing with triggers and moments where I dissociate. I just cried things out while talking to my mom about life. I hate sounding so depressing on here lately, but that's the way it is for now. I'm hoping for an okay day tomorrow. I'm going back to work and trying to make it through.

I'm not doing well. I'm sorry if my tone is difficult, I'm deeply sorry if my mood is effecting others on here...I'm so hurt and angry and confused and......I have this need inside me that is too big, and I don't know what I need and I don't feel anyone could fill the need for me....it's a deep all encompassing feeling and my emotions are all over the place. My husband thinks it's the situation with my son and my period....I don't know what it is but my head is full of snot, I can't stop crying for days and even though I'm sleeping alright I'm so tired and cloudy there are no words for it. I'm so deeply angry, hurt, rejected, dismissed, Lonely, aching, throbbing. I want to drink so bad...I went out to get a beer but decided to go to the park in my pajamas instead. I talked to the ducks and birds and they listened to me cry and it was so overwhelming....so much tension all around me and inside me....I feel I might snap any moment but there is nobody to call or help me. It feels like the nightmares I have where I screaming for help but can't make a sound and nobody hears me or chooses to ignore my struggles.