Update: My boss let me off with a warning today instead of firing me! Oh my god... thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I totally did something that was worthy of being fired.

I'm also about to change bosses, soooo... yikes! Not good first impression!

Also, I got my Ritalin prescription today. Will try it out tomorrow morning and see what happens.

[Unrigged64072835]

Hope those who are having hard times will get better news.

Went out to breakfast and went shopping at another store. The colors for spring are intense and don't flatter my skin color. I only found a couple of shirts and that was it.

Wrote a poem and promoted my FB page a little bit. I'm not much of a promoter but I know I have to do it.

Not feeling good now. Guts are going spastic. At least dinner was okay. Not doing too well on the carb counting. I find myself craving sweet stuff a lot.

[bipolar angel]

Originally Posted by Wander

Last night was a disaster. I was highly suicidal and the nurses didn't take me seriously, or take the time to talk to me. Finally, I lost it and began screaming about how I was going to run away and kill myself. I begged them to call my doctor but after half an hour they hadn't. I was beyond ropable by then. They gave me the meds I explained gave me akesthesia despite my protests. My parents came up to be with me and keep me safe. They shouldn't have too but needed support. I slept a fit full sleep and woke depressed.

Tonight I saw my doctor who had no idea what had happened. He was furious he was not informed about my state of mind. He changed a few meds and hopefully things will get better from here.He is going to check on me tomorrow. I am still suicidal tonight but comforted by the chat with my doctor. At least someone listened to me. Just have to get through tonight and hopefully wake feeling ok so I can go to university and give a presentation. If i can't i can put if off for medical reasons.

So sorry that you had to go through all that-demanding help and the staff didn't listen! Glad your pdoc listens ans is looking out for you. Hoping the meds kick in soon.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

......It feels like the nightmares I have where I screaming for help but can't make a sound and nobody hears me or chooses to ignore my struggles.

I am sorry that you feel this badly.
Can you maybe show your hubby this writing, does he understand how serious this is?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Naynay99]

im not sure how i am. physically my health is crap at the moment, but idk how i feel mentally exactly. im still depressed but saw my T today and she commented how i looked good, put together and seemed to have more positive energy. which is not how i feel at all. If she had seen me yesterday w greasy hair and wearing yoga pants to work maybe she wouldve had a different opinion? or maybe the lamictal increase is helping some and i just cant see it? idk.

she did ask if i was feeling suicidal, and i said how i just had some ideation but no intentions of actually doing anything. she asked what my thoughts were of, and i was actually mostly honest, which is very unlike me. So i told her <trigger>

that i thought about driving into a brick wall at top speed. to which she replied "well that is very graphic" or something like that. to her credit she didnt really react in any obvious way, considering ive never shared these thoughts w her before. but she did write something down which freaked me out a little bc she never takes much notes during our actual sessions.

i think she probably thought i was gonna say something benign like i think about going to sleep and not waking up. perhaps that's what i should have said. bc after that she started acted overly concerned and stuff. i may be a fuucking mess, but i am not an emergency...

[xRavenx]

I've been withdrawing from most people. Not many of 'em reach out these days anyway. Sometimes I think about how I've done a lot for certain people, but a lot of them don't really bother to ask about me. In the end, it doesn't matter I guess. Maybe distancing myself will keep me out of the chaos, at least I figure. I think about all those times I've been manic and got involved in some situations and with people that ended up only causing me harm and taking advantage of me. I caused myself harm too though. It's still hurtful to think about these situations. Just trying to deal with everything. There's still an emptiness within me.

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry that you feel this badly.
Can you maybe show your hubby this writing, does he understand how serious this is?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thanks Bizi. He mostly knows but he can't fix it, just help support me through it and I prefer not to alarm him as I don't need him calling the cops on me again. I need to get through this period and perhaps things will get more steady but it's unlikely as what is happening in my life right now cannot be fixed enough to matter yet. I'm riding the waves. I wish I could promise that I will be ok, it's more likely than not that I will be in most ways.....the past proves that I make it through, usually safely. My thoughts are very dark on and off and I do worry I will make an impulsive decision out of desperation but hopefully and most likely not. I think worrying I will is falling into the anxiety category more than a realistic fear. I refuse to go to the hospital....those people try to kill me. I need some chains in the house....like if I were a werewolf and needed to chain myself up on a full moon. The moon is only a sliver tonight, not full. I'd prefer to be chained in my house than put in the hospital. It's abuse either way, I don't know the answer to this problems. I might need to leave my family for awhile if I plan to stay alive, but without them I want to die more than I already do. I don't have the answers....I just want to stop crying. I'm scared of my meds and scared to stop them also. Got a test done at the doctors today which might help me get some relief in the future......that is something positive on the horizon maybe, or maybe not. Please don't worry but thank you for caring.

Enough about me, How is the internet addiction going?

Update: holy sh_t! I had a meeting with my boss this morning over skype that I totally forgot about. It was at 8:30. I miraculously work up at 8:29 with no alarm! Sooo lucky! (My phone pops up a calendar reminder10 mins before every meeting, and well, I always check my phone first when I wake up.)

Unfortunately, I had bedhead. But I guess it's better than waking up after 8:30.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Update: My boss let me off with a warning today instead of firing me! Oh my god... thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I totally did something that was worthy of being fired.

I'm also about to change bosses, soooo... yikes! Not good first impression!

Also, I got my Ritalin prescription today. Will try it out tomorrow morning and see what happens.

I'm glad it worked out for you. I know you were worried. Good luck with the new boss.

[Sunflower123]

Feeling depressed and anxious. Why can't I get out of the house on a regular basis and get to my appointments and social events? What is my problem? I feel like a real loser.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Thanks Bizi. He mostly knows but he can't fix it, just help support me through it and I prefer not to alarm him as I don't need him calling the cops on me again. I need to get through this period and perhaps things will get more steady but it's unlikely as what is happening in my life right now cannot be fixed enough to matter yet. I'm riding the waves. I wish I could promise that I will be ok, it's more likely than not that I will be in most ways.....the past proves that I make it through, usually safely. My thoughts are very dark on and off and I do worry I will make an impulsive decision out of desperation but hopefully and most likely not. I think worrying I will is falling into the anxiety category more than a realistic fear. I refuse to go to the hospital....those people try to kill me. I need some chains in the house....like if I were a werewolf and needed to chain myself up on a full moon. The moon is only a sliver tonight, not full. I'd prefer to be chained in my house than put in the hospital. It's abuse either way, I don't know the answer to this problems. I might need to leave my family for awhile if I plan to stay alive, but without them I want to die more than I already do. I don't have the answers....I just want to stop crying. I'm scared of my meds and scared to stop them also. Got a test done at the doctors today which might help me get some relief in the future......that is something positive on the horizon maybe, or maybe not. Please don't worry but thank you for caring.

Enough about me, How is the internet addiction going?

I have limited it to an hour in the morning then an hour or so at night. so better thanks for asking.
Hang on sweetie. maybe the new med will help.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi Do you have a therapist? someone that you can be honest with?

[hopeless2015]

Higs to everyone struggling right now!
My moods are bouncing back and forth right now. I've missed two days of work. This morning I managed to get myself up, to the gym and to work. I fell down at the gym though, how embarrassing, that didn't do much to help my down mood, I'm already feeling like a loser. Anyway, I'm at work, no I g and thinking is slow but I'm here and will do my best to get through a whole day.

[hopeless2015]

Concentration is ****! I hate being at work right now, I want scream and go home to my bedroom and sleep the day away. I know my husband will be so disappointed if I go home, I need to fight these feelings, I need to be stronger. I'm so tired of this ****!

[Wild Coyote]

I just want to isolate and sleep... again. Seems endless, this desire to isolate.
Going for a walk anyway (forcing myself).

Hugs all around,

WC

[hahayeahtotallylol]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I just want to isolate and sleep... again. Seems endless, this desire to isolate.
Going for a walk anyway (forcing myself).
WC

Me as well. All of this, walk included.

Strange how during the day i speed up, then in the morning i just don't want to get up. Been like this for a couple weeks now.

First stop, McDonalds $1 coffee. Maybe i'll hop on the train, since i got a weekly pass. And getting Velveeta mac and cheese on the way home with my stamps.

Aside from this, my life is in a clear downward spiral. I just don't have the energy or care to do anything about it.

[Daonnachd]

The flu has broken; I'm feeling better after yesterday's fever and chills.

[scatterbrained04]

Originally Posted by hopeless2015

Concentration is ****! I hate being at work right now, I want scream and go home to my bedroom and sleep the day away. I know my husband will be so disappointed if I go home, I need to fight these feelings, I need to be stronger. I'm so tired of this ****!

Right there with you! My concentration has been just awful for about a week now.

Rough start to the morning today. Only took half my gabapentin last night. Going to run out before I see pdoc, but still can't bring myself to call pdoc for a refill. It's so stupid that I can't. Combination of anxiety and not wanting to talk because I am not well. Was very anxious/panicky/jittery this morning. Depression is more just a feeling of nothing/emptiness.

[Naynay99]

Still here.

[Unrigged64072835]

Glad that you're feeling better, Vertigo. And hugs to those who are having a hard time.

Slow day today. Went out of town to an outlet mall. Bought a few new tops and a skirt. Tried writing a blog post to my Web site but got bogged down. I had a bit of anxiety at 1 PM so I took my afternoon meds early. Tried to nap but couldn't.

Thankfully the kids are making dinner tonight. It smells good. We're having pulled pork and potato salad.

Other than the anxiety my mood has been stable. Maybe pick up more meds tomorrow.

[hopeless2015]

I seem to have calmed down as the day went along, thank goodness....tomorrow is a new day and I have a ton of work to catch up on so I hope I'm more productive than today

[Sunflower123]

I woke up hopeful today as I do everyday and think I'm going to accomplish my to do list, get out of the house and be productive. As I realize that I will fail AGAIN I sink further and further into my depression.

[Naynay99]

I feel really stupid. And weak. And broken.
I just watched a sad movie on tv (ordinary people) and it made me cry.
Earlier today I almost burst into tears at the bank as a teller was trying to help me figure out how to deposit my rent into my landlords new acct. I feel like I can't do anything right.

My coworker texted me to see if i was gonna be out again and if I needed her to do anything, and To say that she missed me. Which is nice to hear. That somebody actually noticed I wasn't there.

I haven't seen or talked to my best friend in weeks. I texted and called her a few times to see if she wanted to do something but she is always busy with work, so i have sort of given up. She has no idea how ****eed up I have been.
I wanted to go to a support group meeting tonite but I didn't wake up from a nap in time which sucks bc I think i needed it today.

My parents are coming up to stay with me in 2 weeks so somehow I have to find the energy and motivation to actually clean and organize this disaster. Seems like it would be easier to just move. I just feel so alone and pathetic. And i feel physically like my body is slowly self destructing itself or something.
I'm just so tired of all of it already.

I'm going through lots of stuff....I can't even begin. It will get better in time, perhaps so much better I'm in tears just thinking about it, but I'm so angry, betrayed and hurt....physical and mental torment of the abuse I've been subjected to is flooding and ungulfing me in such a mix of emotions I cannot say. My son went to school today, this is huge. Bittersweet seems to be an ongoing theme for my life.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by hahayeahtotallylol

Me as well. All of this, walk included.

Strange how during the day i speed up, then in the morning i just don't want to get up. Been like this for a couple weeks now.

First stop, McDonalds $1 coffee. Maybe i'll hop on the train, since i got a weekly pass. And getting Velveeta mac and cheese on the way home with my stamps.

Aside from this, my life is in a clear downward spiral. I just don't have the energy or care to do anything about it.

all you take is lithium?
bizi

[Lifeischallenging]

Sorry for the late check in guys. I just got some news about my appointment. I have to move it. I would've had to anyways or call out of work. But the problem with this is I am out on my dose. I only have 4 pills left. 2 pills a day. I am on 900 mg of lithium. I'm hoping I can get monday as I have that day off. The physical therapy is going well. I have a session with that tomorrow. I'm looking at colleges and making some big moves there. One college I want to go to does not post their prospectus over seas. I have enough info on this college anyways. As for getting a car, I am still lost on that one. I'm thinking I will apply for one as I plan on getting a gym membership. Well, I'll post again soon hopefully.