The meds are keeping the bad at bay. Hey! You! Stay over there! That's right, over there!
Like this:
I can feel them buffering it. Pushing it away.
Anxiety still very high, but the meds are allowing me to keep plowing forward. It hits most at night when the distraction is gone. TG for sleep meds.

Perturbed by having to deal with something(s) that I really just don't need right now. No specifics. Shoving it down. Too much on the plate already.

decided to rewatch the big bang theory right from the start because it's such a funny show (and series 10's not quite been released yet in the UK)

finding it hard to grasp that tomorrow is the start of april (meaning that for 3 months of 2017, i've been doing sod all with my life)

it's always the same.. you think life will get better, things will improve- they never do.

struggling a lot with sleep, but like always, i'm barely noticing

doing okay, but nothing really to write home about.

same struggles, just a diffrent week that's almost over.

[Sunflower123]

Woke up hopeful again today. Going to take baby steps and be gentle with myself (no beating myself up) and get some reasonable things done.

[hopeless2015]

Didn't go to the gym this morning, but really sore from yesterday's workout. Feeling better though mentally...depression seems to be lifting a little bit. At work and hoping to get more done than yesterday.

[bipolar angel]

Ugh..having so-so day. Was full if enthousiasm yesterday..for my to do list today. Sigh..fell into dead slepp like 9pm,woke up 1am,wide awake but the 4 hrs of sleep was great. Then up off/on rest of night but did sleep-yay but boo because soo tired/depressed-went back to sleep after take lifs to school,then on internet-there goes first part of to do lust,ugh..
Back on track,taking cat to vet,then md appt,then kuds activities..really needed to clean^organize today. Well,at least i will get dishes,shopping,some laundry in...im tellung you,inbetween its like-it us too overwhelming and i psych myself out of it.
Okay,done feeling sorry for myself,my life is not that bad...just need get out of my head

[rwwff]

Went to my appointment and fessed up to the paranoia. Doc wasn't offended or even particularly surprised, quizzed me a bit and got out the abilify training wheels. Itty bitty thing but its still really good at making me nauseous. (regular startup effect I'm supposing.)

In some ways, I can't believe that it was that easy. I've put up with this BS in my head for a very long time. Honestly believed only catastrophic chains of events would allow this hope to happen, but all it required was the conversation.

Though.. .whats up with the retail price? Some pharmacies are $900+ and others are $60 or so for the same generic. "with coupon". My insurance covers it fine so not really a personal impact, but the retail price on these things is just weird.

I do realize its to early for that thing to have much effect, but just the act of "crossing the Rubicon" has really boosted my motivation.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sitting in the recliner, in my nightgown, watching catfish. I don't want to do anything...not even get up and feed myself. Day after day after day. I can't go on like this. I need to try to figure this out. I feel hopeless and defeated.

[Unrigged64072835]

Went to the base pharmacy to get meds. I already picked up two of them so only had three to get.

Wrote a blog post on resilience for my Web site. I think I rambled a bit, but oh well.

Other than that, not much is happening. I need to take a shower and make dinner in a while.

[Faltering]

Ignoring responsibilities in favor of my paranoia, hallucinations, irritability, anxiety, and crippling depression.

[scatterbrained04]

I feel like giving up.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

I feel like giving up.

I understand. I feel like that today as well to the point of crying all day. Please don't give up. You are not alone. There are wonderful people on here to support you.

[Wild Coyote]

Uggh!

Paralyzing depression continues.
Not feeling optimistic about reversing the severe depression.
Trying to find a helpful stimulant.


WC

[Moose72]

The kids had half a day. Its their first day of vacation. It was Friday lunch so my youngest and I went and we all celebrated my birthday (the 28th). I came home and cleaned and spent a while talking to my friend. We get along so well. I got a present he sent me: a bluetooth! I don't know how to work it yet. I'm doing laundry now. My kids are at their friend's house (same friend). I paid the rest of my bills. Woot. Ten days till I see pdoc. I'm curious to see what she says. I'll still be on 7.5 of zyprexa at that point. My poor liver would like me to be OFF that stuff ASAP!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by rwwff

Went to my appointment and fessed up to the paranoia. Doc wasn't offended or even particularly surprised, quizzed me a bit and got out the abilify training wheels. Itty bitty thing but its still really good at making me nauseous. (regular startup effect I'm supposing.)

In some ways, I can't believe that it was that easy. I've put up with this BS in my head for a very long time. Honestly believed only catastrophic chains of events would allow this hope to happen, but all it required was the conversation.

Though.. .whats up with the retail price? Some pharmacies are $900+ and others are $60 or so for the same generic. "with coupon". My insurance covers it fine so not really a personal impact, but the retail price on these things is just weird.

I do realize its to early for that thing to have much effect, but just the act of "crossing the Rubicon" has really boosted my motivation.

That's so cool!

[AmandaBroken]

Having a good day...

[MobiusPsyche]

Got my taxes done today. Disappointed in not getting as much back as part year, but it's because I got a raise so I shouldn't complain. Got several things done today, so need to do grocery shopping. Had a bad headache so I took a nap. Depression is manageable right now.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Uggh!

Paralyzing depression continues.
Not feeling optimistic about reversing the severe depression.
Trying to find a helpful stimulant.


WC

It sounds like a few of us are in the same boat. It gives me some comfort that I'm not alone. I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Moose72]

I'm starting to wonder why I'm never depressed. Last time I was was two years ago. I live bipolar life in hypomania and mania and anxiety (related to depression?).

[xRavenx]

I get little pangs of panic...kind of like all of the sudden feeling my heart race when something makes me nervous. It comes and go. I took Klonopin on top of my other meds, but I don't want to take too much of it, or I will get too sleepy when at work. One more day until I'm off until Tuesday.

I'm trying to look "normal" and presentable. It's like I have two options: 1. look over-medicated/very tired at work, but no feelings of panic or 2. do not take any of the PRN meds, appear more alert as a result, but suck it up and deal with the feelings of panic until I am back home and can take more Klonopin (if I can pull this off). I'm wondering if I can find a balance between option 1 and 2 when working, where I don't look zonked out.

Well, at least it's just one more day.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I get little pangs of panic...kind of like all of the sudden feeling my heart race when something makes me nervous. It comes and go. I took Klonopin on top of my other meds, but I don't want to take too much of it, or I will get too sleepy when at work. One more day until I'm off until Tuesday.

I'm trying to look "normal" and presentable. It's like I have two options: 1. look over-medicated/very tired at work, but no feelings of panic or 2. do not take any of the PRN meds, appear more alert as a result, but suck it up and deal with the feelings of panic until I am back home and can take more Klonopin (if I can pull this off). I'm wondering if I can find a balance between option 1 and 2 when working, where I don't look zonked out.

Well, at least it's just one more day.

could you take half a dose of the anti anxiety med?
bizi

[Sunflower123]

Just gave my cat and dog their flea meds. About to shower and get ready for therapy. Maybe I'll get some relief.

[hopeless2015]

Woke up early today. Had my coffee and watched lucky dog on tv, love that show and now watching Dr Chris pet vet. Husband has a side job to do and I'm hoping to try and at least get the bathroom cleaned, ad run the dishwasher....lofty goals for me. Depression does seem to have lifted for now

I finally understand everything and everyone. I finally know my place, station, reason for being. No matter how safe I try to make things, I will live in constant fear and hopelessness. I will always have my life threatened by those who claim to love and care for me. I am a living, breathing punching bag. We don't make it. Not people like us. Who am I fooling by telling people it gets better. Why do people lie and tell me it will? Then kick me when I'm down over and over? I'm not even acceptable to the lost souls.....I'm acceptable to no one and accepting myself makes no difference when your constantly kicked, beaten, punched, robbed, ridiculed, ostracized, not forgiven for even the tiniest thing when I forgive anything. I do no good, I take up space and make everyone suffer. I don't mean to and I used to think intentions matter but they don't. Not in this insane world of pain and hurt and attacks. It's normal to be threatened constantly. It's absolutely normal.....for people like me. And people who aren't blame me cause I really must deserve it in all their eyes. I will write my letters and people will know what they did to me. I've got far more than 13 reasons to feel like this. More years means more reasons and I will soon turn into everything I hate about others. I can't watch this decline continue. I have one thing left that I'm proud of myself for but it's dying. I can't watch this. I can't be here for this. I'm hurting, in pain, sick, insulted, insulting, angry, hurt, hostile, docile, screaming and silent.

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I finally understand everything and everyone. I finally know my place, station, reason for being. No matter how safe I try to make things, I will live in constant fear and hopelessness. I will always have my life threatened by those who claim to love and care for me. I am a living, breathing punching bag. We don't make it. Not people like us. Who am I fooling by telling people it gets better. Why do people lie and tell me it will? Then kick me when I'm down over and over? I'm not even acceptable to the lost souls.....I'm acceptable to no one and accepting myself makes no difference when your constantly kicked, beaten, punched, robbed, ridiculed, ostracized, not forgiven for even the tiniest thing when I forgive anything. I do no good, I take up space and make everyone suffer. I don't mean to and I used to think intentions matter but they don't. Not in this insane world of pain and hurt and attacks. It's normal to be threatened constantly. It's absolutely normal.....for people like me. And people who aren't blame me cause I really must deserve it in all their eyes. I will write my letters and people will know what they did to me. I've got far more than 13 reasons to feel like this. More years means more reasons and I will soon turn into everything I hate about others. I can't watch this decline continue. I have one thing left that I'm proud of myself for but it's dying. I can't watch this. I can't be here for this. I'm hurting, in pain, sick, insulted, insulting, angry, hurt, hostile, docile, screaming and silent.

ElsaMars--(I hope I am not tormenting you--please feel free to tell me to back off) but you are quite acceptable to me. You do sound very anxious and anxiety breaks us down but I have read many of your posts and you do have many reasons for hurting so much. You have been suffering physically, been attacked, etc and I know it has been extreme since at least November, December -- maybe for years. I don't think you deserve it. This world is not fair. I hear you.....

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I finally understand everything and everyone. I finally know my place, station, reason for being. No matter how safe I try to make things, I will live in constant fear and hopelessness. I will always have my life threatened by those who claim to love and care for me. I am a living, breathing punching bag. We don't make it. Not people like us. Who am I fooling by telling people it gets better. Why do people lie and tell me it will? Then kick me when I'm down over and over? I'm not even acceptable to the lost souls.....I'm acceptable to no one and accepting myself makes no difference when your constantly kicked, beaten, punched, robbed, ridiculed, ostracized, not forgiven for even the tiniest thing when I forgive anything. I do no good, I take up space and make everyone suffer. I don't mean to and I used to think intentions matter but they don't. Not in this insane world of pain and hurt and attacks. It's normal to be threatened constantly. It's absolutely normal.....for people like me. And people who aren't blame me cause I really must deserve it in all their eyes. I will write my letters and people will know what they did to me. I've got far more than 13 reasons to feel like this. More years means more reasons and I will soon turn into everything I hate about others. I can't watch this decline continue. I have one thing left that I'm proud of myself for but it's dying. I can't watch this. I can't be here for this. I'm hurting, in pain, sick, insulted, insulting, angry, hurt, hostile, docile, screaming and silent.

Just wanted you to know that you're acceptable to me and I am here for you if I can provide any comfort to you.