[Wander]

Was really 'up' yesterday. Saw my pdoc at 8.30pm (I am IP) and he noticed I was elevated. He said he didn't want to hit me too hard with meds in case I crash. He instead wants me to come in for a safe landing...I like this guy.

He reduced my Ritalin (now 20mg a day) with the goal of being off it soon. It helps me study but increases the hypo, so I guess it has to go. Lithium has been increased to 2000mg a day, OMG that is high, but apparently my blood levels have only been 0.7 on 1500mg. I refused to increase Sodium Valproate due to weight gain. In fact I want off of it. On too many drugs as it is. Haven't talked to pdoc about this yet, but will soon. Abilify is 30mg a day and has crushed the psychosis thankfully,

Only major issue is the Seroquel or Chlorpromazine I am given at night to sleep (I am hardly sleeping even on the meds) is that I get SEVERE muchies and they have free cookies. I eat heaps of them. Then am hit with guilt and worry over weight gain. What do I do? Fruit doesn't cut it, I NEED sugar and fat. I drink heaps of water too but am not full.

Finally, just then I saw my pdoc in the lunchroom. We were both getting some food. He said 'Hi' and I excitedly replied, 'HELLLO!'. Think I may have overdone it but hey, I guess he can add it to his list of observations. Today I feel awesome. SO good to be so happy for almost two whole days.

I send HUGE HUGS to all who are suffering right now. There is hope. And we are all here to support you as best we can while we all deal with out own ****.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I am going f_cking nuts. I don't know how much longer I can take this b_llshit

I'm severely depressed. I need help... really badly... but I've got a therapist appt tomorrow morning at 7:45am. I really can't take this sh_t anymore. I'm hanging on by a thread, man.

but what the f_ck is my pdoc going to do? f_cking drug me up on more f_cking seroquel?? i'm on the f_cking max lamictal dose, and he won't increase my f_cking lexapro dosage. so what the f_ck?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. When do you see your pdoc again? Maybe since you are seeing your therapist, they might provide some relief. Best wishes

[Sunflower123]

Feeling calm, content with no depression that I notice. I have bad social anxiety and am going to my women's bible study which has 180 members then on to the country club to eat with them. Yes, I sound like a child but I'm glad my mom is going with me. She's the extrovert.

[Naynay99]

So I am a fuuckiing rock star afterall- I FINALLY did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen! Yah. Seriously, I have had the same dishes in the sink for 2 weeks and a messy kitchen and a fridge full of old spoiled food. Not anymore! Okay so perhaps it is not normal that it is 3 am and I am awake, but I've got to grab on whatever motivaton comes my way bc it is few and far between lately.

I think I'm gonna do my laundry at a laundromat tomm so I can do 6 loads at once... Then my house will be picked up and declittered enough to be able to actually be able to clean it!

I will say that although my mood is still kind of shiit I do feel a little better, maybe. At least energy wise. And less si. Why I am awake so late I'm not exactly sure? I tend to get caught up with doing something and lose track of the time- I think I was amazed i was actually able to accomplish something that I was afraid to stop lest the ability to function decodes to disappear again.

Anyway, gonna go to bed now, basking in the glory of my kick asss achievement (yeah im being sarcastic here- doing dishes shouldn't make me feel like I just got the bronze medal). But considering how long since I have been able to do anything besides go to work, I am gonna fuucking celebrate clean dishes and a clean kitchen and fridge.

Have a good night. Peace out.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

So I am a fuuckiing rock star afterall- I FINALLY did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen! Yah. Seriously, I have had the same dishes in the sink for 2 weeks and a messy kitchen and a fridge full of old spoiled food. Not anymore! Okay so perhaps it is not normal that it is 3 am and I am awake, but I've got to grab on whatever motivaton comes my way bc it is few and far between lately.

I think I'm gonna do my laundry at a laundromat tomm so I can do 6 loads at once... Then my house will be picked up and declittered enough to be able to actually be able to clean it!

I will say that although my mood is still kind of shiit I do feel a little better, maybe. At least energy wise. And less si. Why I am awake so late I'm not exactly sure? I tend to get caught up with doing something and lose track of the time- I think I was amazed i was actually able to accomplish something that I was afraid to stop lest the ability to function decodes to disappear again.

Anyway, gonna go to bed now, basking in the glory of my kick asss achievement (yeah im being sarcastic here- doing dishes shouldn't make me feel like I just got the bronze medal). But considering how long since I have been able to do anything besides go to work, I am gonna fuucking celebrate clean dishes and a clean kitchen and fridge.

Have a good night. Peace out.

Way to go!!! It feels good doesn't it?

[Sunflower123]

Feeling intense panic and anxiety. Won't be going to bible study and out to eat after all. That's ok though. Slow, easy steps. I went out yesterday and I'm proud of that. I'll just work my way up slowly. Coming from a background of agoraphobia I'm doing pretty good all and all. Probably good I'm staying in. They're letting all the schools out right now due to severe thunderstorms.

[AmandaBroken]

Just getting up... My head is foggy but I feel more relaxed.

[hopeless2015]

Skipped the gym, had a rough night of coughing last night and wanted a little more rest. Feeling guilty already for that! AT work though, hopefully it will be a productive day.

[bioChE]

Got up and came to work. Feeling motivated and getting things done.

[Nammu]

Let my daughter down this am. Was to get to her house around 10:30 am so we could drive over to a town with a mall so my grandson could get pictures taken with the Easter bunny. Last night I took two of the ambien so I would fall asleep.....ha. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:25 am! The alarm went off at 8 and I must have turned it off. Sigh. Woke up at 10:15 to call and say I wasn't going to make it. I'm such a disappointment as a mum.

On top of that my back is killing me from the lack of sleep....thinking of staying awake all night tonight and going to bed early Thursday night to see if I can reset my sleep patterns.

The ongoing saga with getting my sleep meds is to depressing to write about

[AmandaBroken]

Just got back from the doctors. I hope we solved the issues...

[Sunflower123]

In the midst of a mixed episode. Gggaaahhh!!!

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

In the midst of a mixed episode. Gggaaahhh!!!

Hi Jennifer...

May I offer you a gentle hug and a soft embrace. I'm praying for you...

Amanda

[hopeless2015]

An hour left at work, I think I've hit my wall, my brain has shut down for the day. I wonder if I can get away with blowing off this last hour....lol. I have plenty of work to do though. I just need to push myself through.

[Unrigged64072835]

Hoping to go back to school this summer. Did some back-to-school shopping, basically buying a backpack for my stuff. Tomorrow I go to the college to register. I'm really hoping my agoraphobia will not come up.

Otherwise a quiet day. Took a shower, wrote a poem, will be making dinner shortly.

[Wild Coyote]

Sleeping through Adderall.

I've recently started experimenting with prescribed Adderall as I am desperately seeking some relief from a paralyzing depression. It was looking like the Adderall was helping. A little spark of hope.

Now I have a confirmed bladder infection and have been given a strong antibiotic. (I am very sensitive to antibiotics.)

Yesterday was a busy day. Started the antibiotic last night. Had gotten up at a reasonable hour this morning, showered, dressed and went to an appt. Could not focus at appt.
Came home to meet DH so we could go get errands done.
I laid down for a minute and could not get back up. Slept for 4 hours.

Both DH and I are very disappointed. Such a productive day yesterday.
We are both weary of the paralyzing depression.

It appears maybe the cystitis and/or the strong antibiotic are currently overriding the Adderall.

It wouldn't feel so disappointing, except we'd just caught a glimmer of hope -- and today I sleep soundly despite 20 mg (2xday) of Adderall.
It feels like the same old drag of bottomed out depression.

I may need to be patient until the antibiotic is finished (7 days), I realize. Right now, it feels like something always gets in the way of optimal (even acceptable level of) functioning. (I just got over a prolonged bout with a nasty bronchitis).

I will try to find another 7 days of strength with which to be patient.
I've been desperate for relief from the paralyzing depression.

Thanks for letting me whine a bit.


WC

[hopeless2015]

Hugs WC!! I hope you feel better soon!

[AmandaBroken]

Just an update...

Just got home from seeing my doctor. I was given Ativan for panic, up to 3 pills a day that my sister will hide from me. But she will leave out for me the 3 pills to take as needed. I abused Ativan at one time. I also was given Valium by injection for major episodes of panic/anxiety also administered by my sister. Also locked up in her room. I was anemic and had low blood sugars for not eating enough. Which is another issue of mine? When I am stressed I don't really eat. Or eat enough. I am not drinking enough so they want me to drink a measurable amount of water each day. The doctor, Karen, gave me an empty gallon jar and said everyday empty one of these. I know... I deserved to be spanked. Any volunteers?

I had a lot of tests done and I need to put this stuff into practice. So Anna volunteered to push me in these areas. Funny, she won't spank me though.

So that's the story. I had a good breakfast after the appointment and drank 3 glasses of water so I'm going to do this. Just got home and Anna and I showered and kicking back the rest of the day.

All my love to everyone who is encouraging me. I appreciate the kind words and loving support both from here and in real life. I could never do this alone.

Halfway through day 31... looks like a new record breaking day for me.

Had a leak under my kitchen sink last night. Was a mess. Used lots of towels. Took everything out. Called for maintenance today. They just came and fixed it. So happy that's over with.

Mood is still on the depressed side. It sucks. Need to clean but have no motivation.

Hugs to all others who are struggling.

[Moose72]

Talked with my friend on the phone for quite a while this afternoon. Thought about our weekend in a few days!

Cleaned the kitchen and took out the trash.

Visited with a girlfriend at Salvation Army and Whole Foods. I got a couple pairs of jeans. Yay!

Kids are still on vacation and we are slowly getting the apartment cleaned. (Though my daughter needs to do her corner.)

I see Pdoc (finally) on Monday morning. I hope she lets me reduce the zyprexa to 5 finally. FINALLY! Next is 2.5 then I'm DONE DONE DONE!!!

[scatterbrained04]

Have been anxious much of the day. My mood was ok earlier but it started tanking a few hours ago. Not doing well with loud or sudden noises this evening. I feel stuck between wanting to lay dead in bed and a jumpy/crawl out of my skin sensation. Feel a bit irritable and just done with mental illness in general. It can seriously **** off.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

Have been anxious much of the day. My mood was ok earlier but it started tanking a few hours ago. Not doing well with loud or sudden noises this evening. I feel stuck between wanting to lay dead in bed and a jumpy/crawl out of my skin sensation. Feel a bit irritable and just done with mental illness in general. It can seriously **** off.

(((((( scatterbrained ))))))


WC

[JustJace2u]

Just barely holding on right now after a 5 day stint in the hospital, again. Things are better, but not where I want to be.

[Daonnachd]

Went to the pharmacy to pick up meds, ...$1102 for one month!

[Altarian]

my mood cycling is getting bad enough that i broke down and called behavioral health to get an appointment to talk to someone. have to wait until may 16th to get in because they are that booked up.... wish there was another place i could go but town is to small for that.