[bizi]

Originally Posted by giddykitty

I apologize I just can't even read another post right now. Does anyone even read mine? (I wouldn't :P Oh! don't listen to me!) I'm just having a very stressful day. I WANT to catch up and read like EVERYTHING, partly because i want to stay distracted... I did something that risks getting my heart broken again...and I'm on edge waiting the news. I came on this site because of the "internet addictions" thread, and I'm afraid of getting that again, just because I'm using it to pacify my pain...I'm gonna try to take advantage of the home company I have though now, but...

well, can I ask a kinda personal question?? Does anyone else struggle with "intimacy"-like, does anyone get anxious because their partner wants to...you know...but you just don't feel like it or are afraid to make a commitment and well, frankly be disappointed or disappoint them?? I mean, the literal intimacy was getting better in recent weeks, was getting that spark back, but I guess I just still have this habit of fear...plus, I'm just so out of my mind, forgetting **** a lot lately, that I feel like it might distract me. Silly me though, it probably would clarify things for me. ha! *sigh* Anyone else struggling?? thanks for listening!

Oh yes I struggle with intimacy issues.
hubby and I have a nice relationship, non sexual. I love him but do not want to have sex with him.I get sexual with myself so I know that I am capable...It has been years , poor husband.
I am in therapy for trying to figure out how to get more emotionally connected to my husband.
I hear your pain!

bizi

[jacky8807]

Hey everyone! Still been reading but not posting this month. Hit a major depressive episode and im going back on meds to save myself. Really not functioning right now at all.
((((Sigh))))) its exhausting judt to breathe

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

Hey everyone! Still been reading but not posting this month. Hit a major depressive episode and im going back on meds to save myself. Really not functioning right now at all.
((((Sigh))))) its exhausting judt to breathe

Hey there! So glad you have stopped in!
Very sorry about the depression.
Miss you!

WC

[liveforsummer]

Had a cup of regular coffee the other day (have had decaf past 20 years) anyway other than feeling jittery it totally lifted my mood and gave me much desired energy! I should drink it daily if that’s all it take me to feel a bit better.

[Zigy]

I've been sweating a lot at night, while asleep. It doesn't matter how warm or cold it is, it doesn't matter what I wear. I always wake up drenched in sweat. Pdoc says, it's anxiety.

But I feel better overall, for over a week now. Mild anxiety, still kind of low though.

[pirilin]

Present. Feeling good. Enjoying at least one of my four hobbies. Flashlights. I'm a flashaholic. My second hobby is knives. I did put them all in the cases, althought not organized or sharpened.The other two will come in time.

(((((((((jacky))))))))) Good to see you. Sorry you are having a rough time though.

Feeling rather raw. Well, undercooked maybe... Teary, with anxiety and dread through the roof. Been up for hours. Still glued to the bed. My life just feels like such a hopeless mess and so do I. I just want to disappear or hide under a rock or something. I want all the **** to just GO AWAY!!

I've had so much numbness and was recently thinking that was a bad thing. I take it back. I forgot how much intensity can suck.

[giddykitty]

Fyi, I read all the posts today. I quoted a few, but my response is for everyone.

Originally Posted by Tucson

I read your posts, giddykitty. I also have problems with intimacy. I functioned the best in a relationship that does not much involve intimacy. Quite frankly, I do not fully understand what is intimacy, and what kinds work in a relationship. I know this is a sad commentary on myself. You know? This is the first time I have thought about this. Enough discussion on this topic.

Lately I have been going to a restaurant for coffee or water while surfing the Internet. I do this when I feel a bit lonely. This also gives me something to do , and somewhere to go. Sometimes I meet a person there who I have seen there in the past. So I talk to him.

Thanks and thanks for the reply. I don't expect everyone to reply or this every time, but it helped today. I'm sorry if I triggered something for you. Don't be sad though. It's a journey.
I think I understand intimacy, it's just it's hard to maintain this feeling when you are with someone for so long. I want to and have expectations that all of my "intimate" moments (by "intimate" in quotes, I mean sex, or intimate sex rather-passionate kind, but I usually speak of this with discretion, fyi. But yes sex and intimacy are two different things.) I struggle with maintaining the "intimate" part with my one and only, all the time, and it is hard when our times of needs don't always line up. But again, it does happen sometimes and for those times, I'm truly grateful. But last night was another moment where it didn't line up again, and so we will have to try again. I won't be sharing my love life, but I will say that I had a promise of hope the other day and am hopeful for the future...hopefully near future. But yes, intimacy doesn't have to mean sex, and that is what I'd been craving from my partner. I think he at least recognizes that now and I am working on myself and how I can APPROPRIATELY express how I need and want intimacy. I hope you can figure it out too. And anyone else struggling with this. Sorry to hear it, but nice not to feel alone. <3

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I am simultaneously exhausted yet hyped. I’m sitting here yawning but at the same time I want to dance. Definitely on the hypomanic side of things today but probably only for a few hours, Then I’ll Calm down. Tends to be how it goes, especially if I’m working or cleaning or whatever. But I’m happy hypo today bc it’s Friday and I only have to deal with work for 5.5 more hours! Then I get to go home and do whatever.

I’m really tired of the mood swings though. I just want to be consistently stable like I was in January and like I was for a year and a ****ing half before I had to stop invega. Swinging back and forth so wildly is exhausting.

I'm with ya! I feel like today might be a bit more balanced, although I'm still "worried" and sick to my stomach in anticipation for news from an old friend, or closure if it's not meant to be. I hate this feeling-mix of hope and dread. Not sure what's worse, the mix or the dread. Seriously, I don't know...much like mixed bipolar episodes, that I had been having for the past week or so. I do agree the exhaustion is, well, exhausting! Bleh!

[giddykitty]

One more quick post, forgot to connect this thought....

What brings me here today is this sad realization that my anxiety/worry over this old friend thing is actually affecting my love life. Like, it shouldn't. I don't feel guilty about the relationship. It's just that being in this mixed hopeful/dreadful state is affecting my ability to relax and you know, be intimate. This old friend thing only involves me, it's not a friend my partner and I share, so I can't like share my feelings about it with him really...or I mean, if I did, he wouldn't understand. He'd think I was being selfish or I should just shrug it off. If only it were that simple. I mean, I AM trying! I DO try to push away the thought, the overthinking, but it is just my nature. Ya know?
Ok, I'm done venting.
Happy Friday folks! *hugs*

[leomama]

At work, having a good day, started early, been on my favorite position.

[Moreta]

I wish I could order what I need from dollar tree and it'd be delivered from my local store, same day. I just need some splenda and candy. Probably something else I'm forgetting right now. Dollar tree is just a mile down the road, but I don't feel like getting dressed or getting out of bed today. I didn't sleep last night. Too much caffeine. Been sleeping on and off since 9:30 this AM. Got about 3 hrs of sleep total. Will sleep tonight. It's ancient alien friday, so have been watching since 10 between naps.

[jacky8807]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hey there! So glad you have stopped in!
Very sorry about the depression.
Miss you!

WC

Hey wild coyote missed you too! How are your struggles as of today? Are you finding any relief?. Im going to my pdoc tomorrow to try and get something to pull me out of this deep dark hole. I cannot sustain a life in sweatpants in bed unshowered and stuffing gummi bears into my mouth by the bagfull...wondering how did i get here again? I hope somethinhg is working for you

[LadyShadow]

I am flying on cloud nine right now.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

Hey wild coyote missed you too! How are your struggles as of today? Are you finding any relief?. Im going to my pdoc tomorrow to try and get something to pull me out of this deep dark hole. I cannot sustain a life in sweatpants in bed unshowered and stuffing gummi bears into my mouth by the bagfull...wondering how did i get here again? I hope somethinhg is working for you

Hi jacky!

You've just described my life!
Well, today was busy.
I just keep trying. The meds are not working the best. I may try a different stimulant? I don't know. I have mostly rough days. I guess the important thing is to keep trying?
I hope your pdoc can help you out!
Keep us in the loop?

WC

[BPQuestions]

Feel like a million bucks. Its amazing what happens when you take your meds.

[hopeless2015]

Still struggling with my gambling. I tried gamblers anonymous one time but in my area there were only 4 other people and it didn't go well. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. In glad it's Friday, I had lunch with my son and that was so nice.

Hugs everyone!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

Had a cup of regular coffee the other day (have had decaf past 20 years) anyway other than feeling jittery it totally lifted my mood and gave me much desired energy! I should drink it daily if that’s all it take me to feel a bit better.

That's great!
I hope it's a helpful stimulant.
It's great to have you around again!

WC

[scatterbrained04]

I was such a klutz today. I kept tripping and nearly fell on my butt at least 3 times at work. Then I hit someone's bumper on the way out of work. Fortunately there was no damage to either vehicle. Just one of those days. Will get a good night's sleep and start over tomorrow.

Mood has been consistently pretty stable for several weeks now. I'm so happy about that. I'd been all over the place for over a year! Fingers crossed it continues to last. Anxiety has been a bit of a struggle the last few days though.

[wildflowerchild25]

I was still hyped when I left work but it quickly turned to rage when I picked my son up. He got two check minuses on his homework for what I consider to be minor mistakes that any first grader might make (not using a punctuation mark and misspelling a word). This combined with the fact that he hasn’t had his vocabulary folder for three fridays (I was only aware that this was the second week, not the third) led her to write, on his paper, WHERE HE AND ANYONE ELSE COULD SEE IT, “is there a problem at home?” F*CKING WHAT???? How rude and inappropriate is that??? I would NEVER do that as a teacher. If I had concerns I would reach out to the parent privately, not where the student could see it. I don’t care that he’s only in first grade, he can read and understand things really well. He was upset by that comment! And I am livid!!! I haven’t like this teacher at all this year and I really don’t like her now.

To her point, though, I do think it’s time to get my son into therapy. He’s been talking a lot more about death and dying, and in particular about his dad. He’s also been giving me absolute hell over doing his homework whereas previously he hadn’t had an issue. I’m hoping that I will still have energy on Monday to get this **** done. I WILL get it done, I have to for him. I want to try to prevent him from going through what I did as a teen/young adult. But now I’m afraid that I won’t be able to

Of course this makes me even more angry at my stupid ****ing husband. He is SUCH an ***hole.

[jacky8807]

Wildflower....i am beyond insanely angry about what that teacher did. So carless and innapropriate and...just wow. I qmwould confront her if i was you. That was way out of line and she never took into account how that may make your son feel???
We cant predict their futures and he has a solid loving mother by his side. He may be totally fine and if not he has you to guide him through his troubles. I worry about my kids so much but so far things are ok.
Hoping you get some peace soon

[Wild Coyote]

Wildflowerchild, I'd be livid, too!

Thinking of you and your son.


WC

[Standup2me]

A new city, a new job in a new industry, and a new house
A two hour a day commute (used to be 20 minutes total), on ugly roads in an dirty grey city
No p.doc, no T, a lousy GP
The death of an abusive parent, and the reappearance of an abusive sibling
I hate it here
I want to go back home

[VerMOZZica]

I went to an art class this morning at the mental health center. It was good to get out of the house and everyone there was very nice to me..Then it was to the post office and then we picked up lunch and went home. It was mostly a nice quiet day. I hope everyone not feeling well feels better and I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.

[Pookyl]

Still trying to stay one step ahead of this episode. It’s awful when you can see the crash coming but aren’t able to prevent it. I feel like I’m fighting the inevitable.

[Tucson]

I am thankful for what I do have in my life. There is my daughter, her caring mother, a new (but older) car, my son-in-law is tiling my house, and as long as I watch my spending, I am doing not good, but still financially manageable. This financial picture of mine is *much* better than the not too distant past. I have new glasses that I can see better with. My unstable next door neighbor who had been treating me very poorly in a mean and sometimes volitile way started to behave himself when my step-son had a talk with him. Now that long standing problem with him has apparently gone away. I am crossing my fingers and throwing salt over my left shoulder that this continues.

Half a year later, I am just beginning to miss my mother. She passed back then with advanced stages of dementia, suffering from emotional angry outbursts and psychosis. I guess I have been numb all this time. Perhaps I was better prepared for her passing than I thought I was? I do not know. I was so overwhelmed taking care of my mother that I spent much of my time suffering from extreme depression. As a consequence, even though I did my best, I treated her poorly near the end. I simply was not able to deal with this. It was all out of control. I was the only one taking care of her 24/7 for over three years. I remember losing it and spanking her due to her sitting down on me with a shyt ladened butt. I feel so guilty and I am not able to forgive myself. I guess I am no caretaker. However, after this had happened, I am glad I was able to find her a nice place to live the last couple months of her life. This meant allot to me.