Home is stressing...I'm unappreciated

I work full time and I guess I can't really complain about my job. They are flexible with my hours and I get to work from home 1 day a week. Trying to manage a full time job with this disorder is tough as hell, but I get by.

I work all week waiting for the weekend, and then I spend most of the weekend wishing I was at work. Work is sometimes my escape from my real stress. I don't usually get too upset or worked up by my job as I don't care deeply for my co-workers. Their opinion means relatively little to me which is why it can be an escape.

The real issue for me is my home.
I have 2 kids and a great wife who is as supporting as she can be. I'm not the easiest person to deal with and I get that. Our oldest has Bipolar also (which I sometimes feel is my fault since it is genetic) and OCD. This causes a lot of tension at home as he's 17 and really difficult to deal with. On Friday, he was in a bad place, and was basically looking for trouble. He was being verbally abusive towards his mother so I came into the room. He went in to attack mode and hit me. I took him to the ground and held him there until he calmed (relatively speaking).

What happens then is I get partially blamed for 'making the situation worse'. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in that situation. Do I ignore the fact that my 17 year old son is shouting obscenities at his mother and pushing her? I don't know what is the right thing to do (I just know it's not what I'm doing )

After the fight, my son decided to leave the house (it was 20 degrees f outside, and he left without a coat). My wife insisted we go look for him which was probably a good idea, but he was essentially making fun of us because we went looking for him and wouldn't tell us where he was. He finally agreed to come home if my wife picked him up by herself without me. I get the **** because I don't give in and pander to him.

It's so damn frustrating because no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I always seem to be the bad guy. I have enough trouble keeping myself somewhat well and on track (I have Bipolar I disorder) without all of this other drama. I try to get him help. Took him to a very good OCD clinic in our city. After 1 session, he decided he had cured himself and won't go back. This is an intensive outpatient program which has a waiting list. I can't force him to go...how do you drag a 17 year old boy into a car and make him do anything.

I'm really frustrated and nearing the end of my rope. I end up depressed and angry. Hating everyone I see. Self-injuring. I have no solid coping mechanisms.

Anyway, if you're still reading, thanks for the therapy session.

That sounds very difficult to go through. I unfortunately can't relate to this situation, just wanted you to know I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I hope things get better for you and your family.

It sounds to me like you are doing the best you can. Parenting is hard. Kids don't come with manuals. Throw bipolar in the mix and its just that much harder. You're doing good. I'm sorry its tough. Hugs.

You’re doing a good job and doing the best you can.

Time to acknowledge that and give credit where it is due, instead of beating yourself up for your perceived failings.

I hope things improve soon

I would have done the same thing. Keep doing the best that you can.

That sounds like a really tough situation. I don’t have any words of advice just know that you are doing the best that you can.

Your son may do that because he's closer to your wife (for this). I see more behaviors and looking for advice then his dad does, even about boy things. Not saying he's not close to his dad he is but just in a different way. If you can get him to a therapist. Is he on meds? I know when my husband gets involved with a situation I'm handling it's just adding fuel to the fire because then no ones on his side, everyone hates him, or his paranoia spikes. Plus it undermines my authority which causes more issues later on.

What a tough situation. While bipolar has genetic components, it's important to remember that a significant percentage of people have no family history and still get diagnosed with it. How old is your second child?

The important thing is to be aligned with your wife on how to handle the 17 year old. One thing that may help- is remind your wife that you too have the illness but you have been able to work and be a part of your family. Along the way, you've learned to take accountability and made an active decision to accept that you are bipolar. It doesn't sound like your son has made it to the acceptance stage just yet.

So what can you do? You've done an admirable job in trying to locate help and resources for your son. What is your son passionate about? How does he see his future? Have you and your wife talked about what will happen when he becomes an adult?

Your struggle with not enjoying weekends really reminds me of when I had bipolar states where I couldn't shift to a relaxation mode- I was just trapped in my work persona. What helped me was to carve out some time each weekend where I had some me time, got to do something that my daughter wanted, catch up with friends, and let myself sleep in.

In answer to some of the questions: my daughter is 13 and shows no signs of mental illness. Parenting tactics that work with her, have no impact on my son. What Miguel's mom points out is probably on the money. My wife wants me to let her handle the situation, but it's very hard to stay back when I hear the names he calls her. And especially difficult when he gets physical. She says he has boundaries with her and won't go beyond getting in her face, or a small shove. I'm not willing to find out.

My wife and I seem to have different opinions on how to handle things. She tends to give in to him as it's easier to avoid conflict. He hates me because I tend to not give in. It doesn't do him any favors. I really try to do the right thing, but seem to get crapped on for my effort.

He does have an interest in studio wrestling and has shown a good deal of initiative. He devotes a lot of time to it. He has created trading cards for some of the local talent (very professional looking cards too). He is involved in designing sets and merchandising. He works with and is known to the owners and local promoters. This is all unpaid, but is good experience. Is there a future with it? Who knows. I hope so for his sake as he really doesn't have anything to fall back on.

All of this is double-tough as I'm dealing with my own issues at the same time. I'm in a **** place right now and feeling a bit hopeless. I'm having a little pity party for myself. Thank you all for your positive comments.

Hi. I hope you're doing better. I can't properly relate, since I don't have kids, but I did grow up in a home of 8 siblings. When I was 17, all I wanted was to do whatever I wanted. The only way my mother successfully reached out to me was only by being there, listening to me without judgement, trying to counsel me the best she could. Fear of judgement was one of the things I feared the most from my family. I wish you well, and know you're not alone.

Parents need to be on the same page with a child, young or old. Your son is going for the soft spot (your wife). If you're not together as a team, he's going to use whoever gives him what he wants.

My daughter was a hellion as a teenager, but my husband and I worked as a team. She did wise up and admitted she needed help. She's almost 21 and going back to therapy for her anxiety and depression. I can't say that we wasted a lot of money for therapy and meds for her, because it at least planted the seed that she needed to get help for herself. Working, going to college, and living with her boyfriend has matured her quite a bit.

I don’t think your wife’s giving you enough credit. We’ve just come through the same situation with our youngest (now 20yrs old). My heartfelt commiserations. If you would like to know how we survived I’m more than happy to let you know.

Any advice you can give is appreciated.

Ok. Here goes in no particular order.

Sit down with your wife and get on the same page re your son and his behaviour:
If she trusts your judgement to be rational enough to work full time and contribute/provide financially then she should trust your judgement to think rationally when it comes to your son.
Bipolar and OCD don’t equal violence. You both should agree on that. You wouldn’t tolerate your son being violent to strangers in the community. It’s not ok to be violent to either of you. If your wife thinks you shouldn’t intervene when he’s verbally violent to her, when does she want your intervention? After she’s been hit, shoved, the police have been called?

Me and DH weren’t on the same page initially. He was tough. I wasn’t. Our DD’s behaviour just got worse. It took me being put on blood pressure medication and a 3rd mood stabiliser to say ‘I’ve had enough’. Once we were on the same page our DD’s behaviour slowly improved.

Sit down together with son:
Tell him violence towards mum or anyone is never ok. If he wants to be violent you will call police and have him charged (good deterrent we found)
Tell him that if he wants to take off in the middle of the night that it’s his choice but he is to make his own way home.
Confiscate whatever you need to. Our daughter had to hand in laptop, phone, wallet each day and they would be locked in the safe (she got up to a lot of mischief online). We also had to lock up our wallets so she couldn’t steal from us.

Our DD is now 3 yrs older and a little wiser. And feeling consequences.
She opted to move out of home when she became ‘legal’ at 18yrs rather than live with house rules. She learnt after being kicked out of 2 sharehouses that others also had house rules. Lol.
She didn’t study for her final school exams so missed the cut off to study medicine. So now instead of finishing uni in her mid 20’s she will be in her 30’s. She didn’t attend her uni exams and prolonged uni by another year.
She had her driving license suspended for speeding.

Sorry it was such a long story. All to say that things are finally settled. Hang on for the ride. Im sure it’ll be ok in the end.

I think as the father, you set the right example by not allowing your son to curse at and threaten his mother. Maybe the physical pinning him down was too much.

Now that he’s 17, he’s pretty much set in his ways IMHO. He is who he is. Hopefully, he’s graduating HS and off to college or a job and becoming independent.

You said he hates you because you tend not to give in. I guess that's being a parent.

I have absolutely NO idea why your wife is letting your son call her names and get physical with her. And why is your son defining the boundaries? This seems so dead wrong. What is this teaching him about respecting all women???

He is out of control. Totally.

Let him hate you. You are his parent not his friend. You have a responsibility to raise him up in the best way possible.

Yes. I went through this with my son to a lesser degree. We actually went through the worst times when he was older and would come back for visits. It just took a very long time for us to establish an adult child/parent rapport. And learn authentic both-ways respect.

I can empathize here. What if your wife and you can't get on the same page? You have to ask yourself, "Will I look back and believe I did what I thought was right?" Slowing down, walking away, benign neglect. It's a tough time, a tough situation, and you need to keep calm.

My son's father and I divorced while he was a teen and his father remarried. A lot of my son's acting out had to do with that. It was a terrible time. His father and I were not on the same page. I just had to do what I thought was right.

And don't beat yourself up about it. If you do something and it seems over-the-top...well, short of actual abuse...you are the parent. If you felt your son needed to be physically restrained...and then later decided it wasn't the best move. Okay. It's okay to make mistakes. You are in that hellish territory of trying to bring a person (who has their own unique problems) into adulthood. In my mind toughest job on earth.

Probably no one is going to consider your needs because everyone else is too busy trying to get their needs met in the middle of a lot of drama. You just have to take what you need.

You're in a war zone! You need to keep yourself grounded and refreshed. You can walk away...literally and figuratively...to figure out what you need...you know...like every once in awhile. Like every day. Maybe more than once a day. I walked my dog a lot when my son was a teen. I just needed breaks. Teens are so dramatic.

I feel for you. Sometimes one wonders...will there be love at the end of all of this? Yes, there will be, if you stay authentic and true to yourself. Hang on, friend, hang on.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Some of my own thoughts have been reinforced, but I’ve also been given different perspectives which is what I was hoping for. Lots of food for thought. I’m really trying my best but I’m in a no win situation I think. Not going to give up though. Again, thanks for all of the input. I really appreciate it.