Wondering if you feel the same way as me about decisions

I was diagnosed in January with Bipolar and my meds are still trying to be regulated. I was wondering if any of you, maybe especially early on ever wondered if you were capable of making competent decisions, even the most simple ones--if you questioned yourself, questioned your emotions. When you got mad at something, you wondered if you were overreacting from bipolar or you had a right to be. I got mad yesterday at work (I work at home doing medical transcription) and emailed the HR department about a coworker who always emails me emails that I think are rude. My husband reads them and says he doesn't think so. So, therefore, I wonder, am I "sane" enough to be making decisions like emailing a boss when I feel harrassed, calling a business to complain, buy something, or any of the other things I might do.

I am even wondering if maybe I shouldn't work anymore!!! I am scared. BTW, I am a mixed bipolar with rapid cycling.

Hi DKBear,

I am also a new member,but I was diagnosed with bipolar last May 2006 and I am still struggling to find the right meds to work for me without severe side effects. I don't currently work due to my severe symptoms and numerous hospitalizations since last year. However, when I was working last year it was horrible. I couldn't keep up with all my paperwork, I was isolating from everyone, deeply depressed and hyponmanic from day to day, Currently my pdoc says I'm hypomanic due to problems with my current meds. I do tend to get more aggravated easier, lots of bursts of energy, then melt down to do nothing. He also has diagnosed me with mixed and rapid cycling as well. It's pure hell to live like this and have feelings of disgust that I feel at times. I get so overwhelmed and feel hopeless about my illness since no meds have really made me stable yet. I've been hospitalized over 6 times since Feb 2006, first due to depression that is until they correctly diagnosed me with bipolar I. He says my type of illness is the most hard to treat because it is treatment resistant. I just want to get better and feel pride in myself again. Iunderstand how even working at home could cause problems because it's so easy to be so irritable, which is the start of my hypomania. Hang in there.

Justpassingby:

I have to ask you, since we sound so much alike in our symptoms and have the same diagnosis, do you ever feel paranoid? I think people are staring at me in stores and judging and I get scared here at home alone during the day and am afraid someone is going to break in. I even think people at my virtual workplace are all talking about me.

I have been tried on several different medications, I can't remember a lot of them, but some are Lamictal, Geodon. I think the Geodon caused nervous tics and the Lamictal caused me to be really angry and aggressive, we have a new house and one day for no reason I had a strong urge to kick a hole in the wall---thank goodness I did not do it. Right now I am on Depakote 2000 mg a day (upped from 1500 mg yesterday) and Zoloft and my psychiatrist seems to be at a loss. I am afraid of trying new medicines because of those experiences. I was once on Cymbalta for 2 days before i was diagnosed and had these almost voices or suggestions saying go ahead and kill yourself, do it. I told my husband and got off of that fast!!!

I like my psych very much though and my therapist, but it is frustrating because I will be fine for a while and then I will be a different person each day or from minute to minute, which is why I wonder, should I be making decisions?

My husband doesn't understand. He never was around mentally ill people or grew up in a household of abuse like I did, so it is hard for him to sympathize with me. It hurts that he doesn't want to learn more about bipolar and it seems a lot of times like he thinks I could change the way I acted if I really wanted to. He often looks at me like I am insane, and he makes me feel insane and that doesn't help things at all.

I appreciate you all and am so glad I found PC, as there are no support groups where I live.

Hi DKbear,

Please bear with me no pund intended. However, I am probably very hypomanic right now so what I say may sound screwy. I was on Geodon for about 3 weeks and had to get off due to I thought it was making me sick to my stomach, then to find out I had some kind of stomach problems which I now take Reglan to help. I also just two days ago had to stop taking Lamictal due to having a rash with bumps and extreme itching.This is the second time I have used this med. the first time it worked great, then when I went to a treatment facility in Sept they decreased it and by the time I came back home I decided to go off all my meds for 2 weeks to see if I would feel better, i told my pdoc and although he didn't like it he knew something had to change. He put me in the medical section of the hospital and weaned me off all my meds. Now he is titrating me back on them slower to see if I can withstand them better. so far not working too good. I just called him and told him how I am manic or hypomanic and he said to increase the Trileptal to 300 mg in the am and 300 in the evening, plus take 6 mg of Invega and to see him next Friday. I hope this works because I can't keep still and the hypomania isn't feeling as great as it did this morning. I am worn out from cleaning everything I can find to clean, and my heart beat is way to fast at 128 beats.

I agree we have alot of similar symptoms including some paranoia and I have even in the past saw things that weren't there like shadows and dark animals passing real fast in front of me especially when I was driving. Those hallucinations lasted when I was in a manic phase and I haven't had anymore thank God. However I do from time to time become paraoid about certain things like if my hubby is flirting or having an affair with his boss. I hate her because he told her about my illness and she also knows how I think about their relationship is too friendly for employee to boss. It's a small company and my hubby has a small part of ownership so he feels entitled to work all kinds of hours. It's been a little better lately since he knows how I feel.

Oh I don't want to forget to say that perhaps I have been hearing voices in my head, but they are my own telling me to hurt myself and take overdose of my meds, which I did in Sept. I don't really want to die, but all of a sudden when I am in the throes of severe depression, which always comes after a manic episode, I those voices make me do things I would never do on my own. My husband also doesn't quite understand this illness, and feels sometimes I could get better on my own even without any meds. He blames the meds on my worsening condition and this gives him proof that there are not working. He is ashammed of my illness as I know from the way and the things he says to me. He is insensitive about my past suicide attempts and said a few days ago that since he hates our African Grey parrot, that i should teach him how to commit suicide. I was very offended and upset and told him a few days later and he said it was a joke, no harm by it. so I do understand your predicament and hope that we can chat more often as I also need support since he is not giving me the support I need.

Just Passing By:

I see stuff too, shadows, sometimes flecks of stuff. I am afraid to drive a lot of times. I also hear things I think. Just brief little noises in the house when it is quiet that sound like a voice. I try not to tell anyone because I don't want to be labeled as someone who hallucinates. Once, I thought I saw a hand outside the glass by the window reaching for the doorbell, but no one was there!

I am just beginning to be able to tell manic from depressed. I don't know what hypomanic feels like so I call it manic. When it is full-blown it feels like you are high on something. Everyone is great and the world is wonderful. Then all the sudden you are angry.

I can relate with thinking your husband is cheating. In reality, I know my husband would not cheat, but for two days I have been thinking he is cheating on me. Why? Because he was in the bedroom and came out and put his cellphone in his pocket and looked around and yesterday he came home and then suddenly decided to go to the store to get some lunchmeat. (He was gone an appropriate amount of time and had lots of stuff.) He always goes to the gym early in the morning and I watched the clock to see when he would come back and wondering if he was going to see the fictional girlfriend that I know I made up but have been thinking about. He is not supportive and in fact, he makes my bipolar a lot worse. My therapist says he is in denial. I am also an embarrasment to him and I can't talk to him about my feelings, he doesn't understand them and gets irritated at me for interrupting his TV show. That is why I came on here.

I also can relate with the suicidal thinking with this. I have been in bouts of really bad depression and having to get my meds switched around and HAVING that voice tell you to go ahead and do it, no one loves you, you don't matter. My husband took all the knives and weapons out of the house, even the scissors away from me for a couple of weeks, it got so bad. No one understands that.

Do you ever just not trust yourself though because you have so many highs and lows? Afraid of what you might do? I don't mean something criminal, but just something stupid. I feel almost like I need a guardian, and I don't know if it is because my husband makes me feel like I am crazy and everything I do is wrong or it is a normal feeling.

I hope to talk with you again soon. Maybe we can chat sometime or something.

Yes I also don't trust myself when I am in the lows because they get too low before I realize it and then it's too late for me to ask for help. I just told my husband what's going on with me as he came home early from work with a migraine. Great timing. I could see the disappointement in his eyes as I told him that I could possibly be manic and then as history goes, I tend to go into a spiral of depression. I think I should also be aware of this and have him take away my Ativan and old bottle of Klonopin which I overdosed on in Sept. I don't trust the voices in my head that are sure to come one day soon. I guess I need to get prepared for that if it comes so I won't be left off guard and end up in the hospital again. I'm sorry that your husband is not supportive, but mine isn't supportive emotionally, but we are in therapy (not Working) to learn how to have fun with each other again. We have so many issues can't write them all down. A lot has to do with the way he was raised and his own values. He doesn't know the concept of unconditional love. That should desribe it all to you. I am working on not letting it botter me so much since I depend on him for everything especially financially. We have a 10 year old son and I want to make my marriage work no matter what it costs me. They adore each other and I don't want to break up even an unhappy home life. I hope through these chats we can both help each other out and be the support we need for each other.