[wildflowerchild25]

I had a god awful day today. I was irritable as all hell from the moment I woke up. Like PMS level rage, except I’m not near my period. I was ready to throat punch my son and I yelled at him all morning. And then I felt guilty which made me feel worse which made me feel
More irritable which blah blah blah.

I tried to relax but I couldn’t. My son was just pissing me off so much.

Ughhhh. I’m having a vodka nightcap to chill out. Not a good coping mechanism, I know. But I’m just having one because NV is coming up too. I hope he will help calm me down.

I also missed my meds this morning by accident so maybe that had something to do with it.

Yesterday I received my APA Aggressive Psychopath classification, which comes with a tastefully framed certificate and a permanent position on the No Fly List.

[Eribrite88]

Having a really rough night, rapid cycling, feeling reckless

[bizi]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I also missed my meds this morning by accident so maybe that had something to do with it.

I think this hits the nail on the head.
sorry it is so hard to hold it together.
bizi

[bpforever1]

I slept all day yesterday and feel much better after a busy week at work. I am not as irritable and feel much calmer. I am still taking my medication daily so this helps too. I am still talking to the man I thought I would stop seeing. He is doing ok and is happy. I'm happy for him and hope to survive myself. I am saddened by by the suicide death of Anthony Bourdain. It came as quite a shock. But, I realize he must have had some deep dark issues that were not dealt with well. May he rest in peace now! I feel depressed too at times but realize it is mostly due to stress. Thus, my taking a day off sleeping and resting helps me tremendously. I feel a whole lot better now. I feel refreshed. My mind is not rambling either. I can think more clearly. I am happier now. I have nobody near me who can help me. I have to help myself to survive. It is hard living alone in a foreign country. But, I am doing ok and surviving so far.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by bizi

I think this hits the nail on the head.
sorry it is so hard to hold it together.
bizi

I have such a hard time remembering them on the weekend for some reason. Probably because my routine is thrown off.

Got 4 hrs of sleep last night and tonight I'm all wound up (hyperactive specifically). I'm not manic, though. I'm an idiot. I took my 2nd dose of Ritalin yesterday at 2:30pm and couldn't fall asleep until 4am, since it makes you not tired. Then this time I took the 2nd dose at 3pm. You think I would've learned my lesson after yesterday, but no, I'm a dumbass. I'm supposed to take that 2nd dose around 11am.

In other news, I feel like giving up at work and quitting. I have so much to do with so little time. I might even work tonight and tomorrow even though it'll be Sunday. I physically and mentally can't do it all in one work week. And I'm presenting everything in 1 week from Monday when I don't have anything done. So this job is becoming more and more stressful by the day.

At least I won't have to finish my simultaneous, stressful interview process for the new job, so that'll help a bit stress wise. It just sucks that I have to back out of it because of the whole me not wanting to move to Seattle thing. It was a fantastic opportunity until the location was changed. Damn...

[bizi]

I am sorry blue, I hope you get some of your work done so you can sleep.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by bizi

It is hard being hospitalized then come back home to the same stressors.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thanks Bizi.
I feel like leaving my husband at the moment. Not because of anything being awfully wrong with him. It’s just that marriage is such a lot of work. And I’ve always had high expectations of my life.
He’s an eeyore aka the rain cloud to my silver lining. I want him to be froth, lightness and bubbles. He’s not and in 24yrs of marriage never has been.
And my bipolar memory forgets how exhausting it is must be for someone to live with someone who has a constant episode after episode after episode...

[liveforsummer]

Sitting, eating breakfast. Mentally all over the place, really don’t know how I feel. Lost sight of what my sense of normal is.

On a positive note I forced my sorry butt out of bed at 7am in an attempt to motivate me to be more productive today to make myself exhausted by bedtime.
Will weed the garden (yuck) vacuum the car, go for a walk, grocery shop and whatever else I can stuff in the day.

Thanks, bizi.

-----

Grandma is still not doing well, but is doing better... slightly. I'm just glad the doctors were wrong when they said she might never make it through the night. It seems the stent is helping tremendously.

I'm going to visit her today to see how she's doing. I'm not sure if she's still hooked up to oxygen or not, but I guess I'll find out. I'm just hoping she'll get better and discharged soon. She deserves happiness and healthiness.

[RainyDay107]

Had a full night’s sleep, which resulted in my chronic pain escalating to a 7-8/10. I could barely get out of bed, yet movement is what I need. It’s exhausting and I don’t feel well.

[giddykitty]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I took my 2nd dose of Ritalin yesterday at 2:30pm and couldn't fall asleep until 4am, since it makes you not tired. Then this time I took the 2nd dose at 3pm. You think I would've learned my lesson after yesterday, but no, I'm a dumbass. I'm supposed to take that 2nd dose around 11am.

.

If you forget a doze is it better to take it and not sleep or better to skip it? Experience? Doc's recommendation??

might cook something later, but doing sod all else today.

feeling indiffrent. okay on my own, but get the feeling I'll see someone and blow up in their face

fibro pain is better than yesterday

[251turnaround]

WIred and tired! I got three hours of sleep last night before waking up with an adrenaline rush again. That said, I think I'm a little more level today but the day is still going on. I tend to escalate in the evenings. I'm upset that I have to work tonight because I really need just a day off to let my neck stop hurting and my mood to possibly stabilize; oh who am I kidding I need a hefty dose of SEROKILL before that'll happen, haha. I e-mailed my therapist to see what she thinks. I'm ruining my relationships with friends, and I'm scaring people. I want it to stop, but I don't want to stop feelin gooooood. I can't wait for therapy this Wednesday HA. It's going to be a wild ride. "OH YOU ARE MOST DEF HYPO MISS 251TURNAROUND". "DAMN RIGHT". Then it's new med time and the monotony returns. I hate that. I feel like taking this to the extreme despite the impending devastation. I don't care if I end up psychotic, no I do, but idk. It's terrifying, psychosis. REALLY SCARY. I hate it. But is it worth feeling good? Who knows. I think things will work out in the end, so there's no worries there. There's a 50% chance that I'll NOT crash from the mania. I can sometimes just float back to normal with the help of meds, but normal sucks, am I right? I know I've done some things these past few days, but I'm SO much more creative and thoughtful. I've been improvising on my guitar like mad (literally). (My username is a reference to my favorite kind of chord progression). I love music. It's one of my biggest passions and mania let's me fulfill my goals. I can make things, despite me beinga novice. I know I can do better than this if I keep at it. If only there were some way to switch this on and off at will. Yeah I'm doing great!

Grounding.
Here.
Now.

Very rough morning. Need hopessness meltdown reset. Hold phone. Breathe.
Exhausted. Will see if I can knock out a bit and start this day again later.

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by cln1812

I think I found the source of my balance problems is coming from Protonix,a med I don't have listed below, a proton pump inhibitor I was given for my stomach after suffering a perforated ulcer on Valentine's Day (worst Valentine's Day EVER!). At my last appointment with the gastroenterologist (after he had done an upper endoscopy & biopsy results came in, all of which looked good), he said I could continue to take it or discontinue it; it was my decision. I figured I'd finish out the bottle and then stop taking it. After reading about the side effects, it seems once you are on that med for longer than 3 months, some people develop more severe side effects. It has been just over the 3 month mark for me. Also curious is that all my falls happened in the morning, often before taking my morning psych meds because Protonix is to be taken on an empty stomach, so I'm discontinuing that and see if it helps with my balance issues.

I've been on Prilosec for a long time. I don't have balance issues, but more cognitive stuff. I'm taking extra B12 but need to manage taking magnesium around gabapentin.

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by RainyDay107

Had a full night’s sleep, which resulted in my chronic pain escalating to a 7-8/10. I could barely get out of bed, yet movement is what I need. It’s exhausting and I don’t feel well.

I hope you feel better, Rainy.

[Unrigged64072835]

Not too bad of a day.

Got four loads of laundry done, cleaned the kitchen, helped with breakfast and lunch, packed up cooked sausage to freeze for later, did two rounds of dishes in the dishwasher, and helped the kids pack for next month's move. In other words, not a whole lot. LOL

Doing better with the meds. ¾ of the muscle relaxer works well. I only had a little bit of jitters before I took my afternoon med.

Cats are pestering me to feed them, so I will do that.

I'm in a good mood!

Your favorite Soviet checking in as a condition of my parole. My face has abruptly transitioned from affectation to scandal. Yesterday the HPD issued me a citation for irresponsible grooming. I claimed religious freedom under Leviticus 19:27 but the City and County of Honolulu inexplicably refuses to recognize the Old Testament after the Book of Exodus and now I have to pay a $318 fine.

[pirilin]

Present.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by pirilin

Present.

Ditto
.....

I just want this to be over with. Clozaril is definitely not helping, I think it's making it worse because now even more thoughts are being put in my head and I'm having nightmares and they can take thoughts out too. If I killed myself it would be murder not suicide.

[wildflowerchild25]

I had a better day today. I got up at 9:30 and cooked my son some eggs so I didn’t spend any money eating out. I got the dishes washed and put a load of laundry in/ I also went to my brothers and spent some time with my niece. She’s so cute. They made lunch so no money spent there either. Then I came home and was exhausted from staying awake until 2:30a last night (not by choice) so I ended up falling asleep for like four hours which I think is gonna screw me over for tonight. I hate that I do that. It would be better for me to just stay up but the boredom gets to me.

I’m hoping to start gardening again. Our gardens are atrocious. The neighbors must hate us. I couldn’t because of my back but it’s getting better so I hope I can at least try to hack through the weeds. I’m gonna start at the side and then work my way around the front and finally the other side. It’ll take a few weeks probably because I won’t be able to do it every day.

My therapist told me I need to make a list of things I can do so that I’m not just sleeping all day during the week once group ends, which I think it does for me on Tuesday. Then we will block out a rough calendar of things to do. I love her, she’s so helpful. She’s so concrete. We don’t just talk, we do. It’s really helpful to me.

There’s a Nami connections group in my town that meets twice a month during the day that I might go to. It makes me nervous to think about going due to my social anxiety but I did go to the dbsa meeting that one time and I didn’t die lol so I might be able to do it. It would be something to do anyway.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Supreme Soviet

Your favorite Soviet checking in as a condition of my parole. My face has abruptly transitioned from affectation to scandal. Yesterday the HPD issued me a citation for irresponsible grooming. I claimed religious freedom under Leviticus 19:27 but the City and County of Honolulu inexplicably refuses to recognize the Old Testament after the Book of Exodus and now I have to pay a $318 fine.

I am confused by your writing.
why were you fined $318???
bizi