[yellow_fleurs]

Feeling more depressed today, but also moving along and not letting myself dwell on it too much. Also feeling more anxious. Financial stress is real right now. Despite the way I am feeling I do have a sense that my mind is a little clearer and I can stop myself from impulsively doing harmful things to myself. I honestly feel like these meds make me feel possessed or something. Such a weird feeling.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Feeling more depressed today, but also moving along and not letting myself dwell on it too much. Also feeling more anxious. Financial stress is real right now. Despite the way I am feeling I do have a sense that my mind is a little clearer and I can stop myself from impulsively doing harmful things to myself. I honestly feel like these meds make me feel possessed or something. Such a weird feeling.

Sorry about the way the meds are making you feel. Can you talk to your pdoc about it? Keep strong and keep resisting those self-harm thoughts. I can tell you honestly, years later, I am grateful for the times I resisted, the thankfully little scarring I have.

I understand the financial worries all too well. It is a huge burden.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by cln1812

Sorry about the way the meds are making you feel. Can you talk to your pdoc about it? Keep strong and keep resisting those self-harm thoughts. I can tell you honestly, years later, I am grateful for the times I resisted, the thankfully little scarring I have.

I understand the financial worries all too well. It is a huge burden.

Thanks for the response. I did tell him the other day and he doesn't think it is from the meds, but is letting me taper off them. The thoughts are a bit better already, but maybe too early to be sure because it fluctuates. I am just freaked out that I don't even feel in control sometimes, like when I look back and realize it wasn't me in the driver's seat and it was worse than maybe I realized. I am usually glad that I resisted, and will continue to try.

Also sorry you are experiencing the financial burdens, too.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Still no word. Been pacing my livingroom in circles 90,000 times.

I am sorry, sounds so unpleasant! I hope you heard back by now. It is hard to wait on those calls when feeling terrible.

[Standup2me]

I think that our washer has gone to washer heaven
My emergency $5 stash will be well used
I save $5 bills so that I have money when something like this happens

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I am sorry, sounds so unpleasant! I hope you heard back by now. It is hard to wait on those calls when feeling terrible.

Pdoc finally called at 5. Bottom line: its mania plus akathisia plis some wild emotions since I burst into tears today. She raised my Ativan from .5 mg to 1.0 mg 2x/day and changed my seroquel from 300 to 500. Both of these changes mean i need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow. I took my last 2 .5 Ativans today as directed and i felt so much better. Same with the new seroquel.

[Polibeth]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I am so frustrated. I have 2 cats who are 16 months old, so adolescents. They are sweet, generally good cats but they also go on streaks of misbehavior that I do not understand. In 2 days they've pooped on my couch cover twice and peed in my laundry basket. They also scratch things like my wall. Days go by without problems but when they are bad they are very, very bad.

I don't know which cat is doing what, except for the scratching. They have 3 clean litter pans in the basement and scratching posts in both rooms of my house.

They are due for vaccines so I'm going to see what the vet suggests but I feel like I'm a failure in teaching them to behave. My previous cats never did this kind of thing aside from incontinence at a very old (20 years) age and that was from a physical problem.

I love them but this stuff makes me feel like I have no bond with them and never will. Not true but I just don't get it. I'm so embarrassed about it; I am mortified to tell the vet that I have failed in training them apparently.

Anxiety soaring.

Hmmmm.....I have two 18 month old cats (brother and sister pair adopted from rescue after one of our older cats passed away). My husband was insistent that we get kittens after our other cat passed. I told him that kittens are tornadoes with claws but he still insisted.

We haven't had any litter box issues except when our young female had a UTI but we got that cleared up pretty quickly. However, we have lots of scratching and destroying furniture (despite scratchposts, etc).

I do not look at it as a failure on my part but the result of having two young cats. I'm not sure you can train cats - they pretty much train their humans.

You are doing fine - take them to the vet for a check-up to make sure there's nothing you are missing but I think they'll outgrow it.

Astonishing disclosures and threat and retaliation signaling have run rampant in my sad little social circle.

Turns out a consortium of a cryptosexual, an East German, a yakuza daughter, a Texan and a Jew was a bad idea. What could have gone wrong? Seriously, who knew? The cryptosexual is an unabashed sadist, droning on endlessly about disemboweling one of us or the other. Brazenly unsafe. They'll say we'd been ignoring warning signs when he takes a scalpel in each hand and gets started.

[Tucson]

I am here. I have an interview at 11:30 AM which is about 2.5 hours from now. This is for a call center with Humana. I will see how this goes. I have been turned down for the previous four interviews.

I weigh 170. I keep dropping in weight for some reason. I should weigh closer to 180, which is where I was not so long ago. I have be exercising, but I have been offsetting this burn of calories by significantly increasing my calories for those days.

My daughter is pregnant. I think I may have said this before. She is clueless and not ready to have a baby. Her mother and I will have to help in the raising of our grandchild.

[NathanNake]

Paid rent! Also ordered some things on Amazon. A guitar pedal, two books, a tuner, and some piezoelectric pickups for when I order a mandolin and violin. Decided every month I'm going to order 1 musical instrument, two books, and a video game to try and combat this terrible lack of interest in things. Anyway, TGIPD (Thank God it's payday) : P

[Moose72]

Got meds. Feeling a lot better since I took them last night. Ativan on hand....

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I got a letter from Social Security saying that they had previously sent a letter that they would be reviewing my case but have now decided not to do so based on a form I filled out. So that's good although I didn't understand from the first form that they were going to do a review. So it's also a surprise, but a pleasant one.

Now I have no idea when I'll come up again. My last one was in 2016 which was 4 years from starting and I'm supposed to be on 3 year reviews. So I expected 2019. Maybe not now. Not going to complain about that one though.

Yay!

It's weird. I had a preliminary form last year and this year. I think putting "trauma therapist" may have shocked them. Mine was supposed to be 5-7 years.

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm sitting on a cushion that's supposed to relieve pressure off the tailbone. Not helping. Ice not helping either. I don't know what my liver is doing until labs come back so I can't take pain killers. Pushed the labs until next week because my husband is worn out and he needs a break. I see my pain management doc in two weeks. If my daughter actually starts working then I can try for sooner but not before then.

The rep for the contractor company is really pissing us off. The job supervisor came back for more measurements. They were expecting to redo the entire ceiling in both rooms! We were like no, it's only patch repair. Called the rep back; he's supposed to call the actual repair folks. I did notice that nowhere on the paperwork did he say patch for the ceiling. If no resolution by Monday we're calling his manager. So tired of this from everyone really.

We have the steam cleaners tomorrow. My husband wants extra work done so I hope he's home to tell them. I don't feel like having to wrangle people at the moment.

I'm just tired of this crap.

FINALLY, I stopped vomiting. Thank God. I've had to take too many days off at work, and today was the absolute worst day to take off because I was supposed to get my performance review and get told my raise. I had also been prodding my boss for a fun project to do at work and now I feel like my boss is thinking, "ok, so you've been pushing me to let you do this, and now you're not even working? Yeah, ooooooookay."

I hate vomiting. Today was the first day I was able to hold something down.

I ate a frozen cheese pizza from Lean Cuisine, which is not too bad since it isn't laden with fat and doesn't have excessive grease. I would've eaten something else, but I literally have nothing else, not even cereal. I need to go grocery shopping. So it was either Lean Cuisine or some greasy/oily fast food delivery. Thankfully I'm okay... so far?

In other news, I have to get my eval results back tomorrow at 1pm. Let's hope I don't vomit tomorrow too. That would add to my "days I have ruined" streak.

[Wild Coyote]

Very tired. Still having sleep issues.
Met my niece for lunch as she was in this area today. Nice to see her.

Love to All!

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

FINALLY, I stopped vomiting. Thank God. I've had to take too many days off at work, and today was the absolute worst day to take off because I was supposed to get my performance review and get told my raise. I had also been prodding my boss for a fun project to do at work and now I feel like my boss is thinking, "ok, so you've been pushing me to let you do this, and now you're not even working? Yeah, ooooooookay."

I hate vomiting. Today was the first day I was able to hold something down.

I ate a frozen cheese pizza from Lean Cuisine, which is not too bad since it isn't laden with fat and doesn't have excessive grease. I would've eaten something else, but I literally have nothing else, not even cereal. I need to go grocery shopping. So it was either Lean Cuisine or some greasy/oily fast food delivery. Thankfully I'm okay... so far?

In other news, I have to get my eval results back tomorrow at 1pm. Let's hope I don't vomit tomorrow too. That would add to my "days I have ruined" streak.

(((((( HUGS ))))))


WC

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Very tired. Still having sleep issues.
Met my niece for lunch as she was in this area today. Nice to see her.

Love to All!

WC

So sorry about the sleep issues. I hate it when I can't sleep.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm doing OK, starting to think I am having more & more issues with the eating disorder. Would the ED push me to run 10 miles in the morning when I don't need to lose weight (need to gain, actually) or would bipolar hypomania convince me it's a good idea to run that far? Not sure I know. I'm getting a lean distance runner's figure, and I like it, but that's not for the best because I'm not eating right for it. My legs look great, but the rest of me is heading into the bony/see all your vertebrae area. My weight has been stable and has fluctuated within a 1-4 lb. range for several months now. It's just very low. My husband isn't very bothered by my weight since it's stable, and the exercising lets me take less Klonopin for anxiety and does lift my mood. Plus, I do get some early morning sun from it, but not too much since I burn very easily. So I have a part of me that likes it and doesn't see it as a problem and another part of me telling myself I need to get into doing cognitive behavior therapy. Even if I can't afford a therapist, doing it on my own. That was what worked the best for me, for a lot of people with eating disorders. Though the biggie is you really truly have to WANT to recover, and I am not sure if I am there yet because otherwise, nothing works.

Today I took my daughter out on a few errands, read a little. She was happy; she got to pick up her final prize from the local library summer reading program.

[liveforsummer]

My memory lapses of the past month have increased and it’s totally freaking me out and raising anxiety, a vicious circle. Very distressing.
Otherwise it’s a beautiful day out!

[yellow_fleurs]

Feeling a bit better today. I hope this means things will improve, and is not just a temporary improvement in a cycle. Keep thinking it is getting better then getting knocked down again. Getting more sleep which I think is crucial. Also replacing my coffee with tea. Have plans to see friends tomorrow. Fingers crossed...

Actually just got worried I am feeling good and that it will just turn hypomanic or something. Like what if I am just on my way to being unstable and that's why I feel better? Darn it, wish I could trust myself. :/

[Scooter9]

I occasionally take the phq-9 questionnaire to see if there's any progress in my depression. Looks like I've gone backwards - I'm back at severe depression.

I know these things are not always accurate but it at least provides some info. Plus my pdoc agrees that I'm depressed.

I did some painting today. As in painting a room. It took so long to get the room ready removing everything and taping. Now my wife doesn't like the colour so back to home depot tomorrow.

I mentioned a couple of times that I'm seeing things occasionally. My pdoc says it's part of my depression and will clear up as the depression gets better. I was out driving on a major highway when I saw a rabbit hopping across 5 lanes of traffic! Of course it wasn't really there but I was really taken aback by it. My pdoc and I are waiting for an appointment with a research hospital so there's no point in calling her about it.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

I'm sitting on a cushion that's supposed to relieve pressure off the tailbone. Not helping. Ice not helping either. I don't know what my liver is doing until labs come back so I can't take pain killers. Pushed the labs until next week because my husband is worn out and he needs a break. I see my pain management doc in two weeks. If my daughter actually starts working then I can try for sooner but not before then.

The rep for the contractor company is really pissing us off. The job supervisor came back for more measurements. They were expecting to redo the entire ceiling in both rooms! We were like no, it's only patch repair. Called the rep back; he's supposed to call the actual repair folks. I did notice that nowhere on the paperwork did he say patch for the ceiling. If no resolution by Monday we're calling his manager. So tired of this from everyone really.

We have the steam cleaners tomorrow. My husband wants extra work done so I hope he's home to tell them. I don't feel like having to wrangle people at the moment.

I'm just tired of this crap.

Sorry, I probably zoned out reading these posts. What did you do to hurt your talibone?

I broke my coccyx (tailbone) a couple years ago thinking I could just get right out there and roller skate when we took my daughter skating. Yeah, I was never good at my prime, and I hadn't touched a pair of skates in nearly 20 years, did an airborne flying fall and busted it right there. My sister studied physical therapy and told me even if I had broken it (which she suspected I had from the symptoms and force of the fall), there is really nothing you can do to heal it but ice and wait it out. I remember I sat on a yoga ball a lot. That seemed to help some. Probably also another time I overdid it on the NSAIDs.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Feeling a bit better today. I hope this means things will improve, and is not just a temporary improvement in a cycle. Keep thinking it is getting better then getting knocked down again. Getting more sleep which I think is crucial. Also replacing my coffee with tea. Have plans to see friends tomorrow. Fingers crossed...

Actually just got worried I am feeling good and that it will just turn hypomanic or something. Like what if I am just on my way to being unstable and that's why I feel better? Darn it, wish I could trust myself. :/

It’s very hard but try not to analyze your moods too much. Just enjoy feeling better while you have it and don’t worry about it turning into hypomania. Maybe practice some mindfulness meditations? There’s hundreds of them on YouTube and a couple of apps like headspace.

[wildflowerchild25]

Went to my spine dr today. I have two herniated discs. That’s why I’m having so much pain. I’m not surprised and I’m happy to finally have an answer to what’s going on. I’m scheduled to have epidural injections next Friday. I’m hoping they help; I’m really tired of being in pain all the time.

Filled out paperwork for my job today. I never heard back from my supervisor as to whether he would be a reference but I had to complete the paperwork today so I hope he agrees bc I already put him down. I had no choice. So hopefully he won’t be a **** and will give me a good review. I’m very anxious about it though.

Other than that I’m good. Disappointed because I was hoping to see my boyfriend today but he has his son so he can’t come over. I might see him Sunday but probably not. Next chance will be Tuesday. So let’s hope! I miss him. Haven’t seen him since last Friday.

[Moose72]

Pdoc called today to check up on me. She want to delete lithium and trileptal and raise seroquel to 450/500 but eventually replace it with Haldol. Im still hyper. All day today even with the new doses. Right now im calm after ativan and seroquel but theyll wear off by morning and i have to go to judo. Pdoc says to check in with her nurse monday since pdoc herself wont be in the office. She still says its hypomania with akathisia. What do i have to do to get diagnosed with mania- run down the street naked screaming??