I feel pretty good today, but hubby and I haven't done much. He's napping and I'm typing this. I can't nap during the day. I'm not tired during the day, anyway. When I have somehow fallen asleep during the day in the past, I would always wake up totally discombobulated and not feeling well. I have no desire to nap.

Though I have not been tired during the day, lately with the change of season I have wanted to sleep more at night. I've started to get tired earlier some nights and have a bit harder time getting up. I'm going to ask my psychiatrist to lower my Seroquel XR. I think he might as long as I'm acting reasonably. I say that because despite my longer sleep at night, I have found myself acting a bit super charged at times during the daytime. He knows not to lower my Seroquel XR to much too fast. It's really my Seroquel XR more than any medication that keeps my hypomanias and manias away. It's so difficult to find a perfect balance in my moods and energy levels.

[~Christina]

It’s too damn hot for Fall

Another day of cleaning, I enjoy cleaning daily... I know don’t throw rocks at me lol

I think I might be inching towards some depression. Just staying in bed to long , early to bed late to rise. I just lay in bed staring at the wall , yes must pay closer attention.

Making Pasta for dinner.... sure don’t need the carbs but have been craving them for weeks.

I have zero fun plans for this overly hot weekend !

[scatterbrained04]

Just a good lazy Saturday. Have mostly just been reading today. Going to have a Walking Dead marathon with my son later since last season is now on Netflix.

[rwwff]

Saw my pdoc today and talked about the depression and hallucinations, basically gritting my teeth that she might suggest going to a hospital; but everyone was right, nothing so drastic came up. Just an adjustment to my AP and a fast followup date. Wonder how long it'll take for them to go away, but otherwise much relieved.

I worked sixteen hours yesterday and four hours this morning, then spent most of my earnings at Costco and an absurdly expensive farmer's market. It's almost as if the dollar is destabilizing and will soon lose its status as the world reserve currency.



(Frank Crankshaft not pictured)

I filled in my PC profile, which was exhausting, especially because I accidentally deleted it and had to write it again. First World problems. My strategy for the rest of the day has degraded into antipsychotic-induced paralysis, Netflix and a shower, but I can't decide in which order. I suspect the paralysis should come last.

[TheSeaCat]

I'm feeling meh ever since I gotten back from the trip from hell. The side effects refuse to go away, I'm having to eat a tums for a bowl of cereal. I've also been having weird headaches and night sweats. I know I need to see the doc for it, but I'm sick of the medication go round. My anxiety has also snowballed out of control since the three panic attacks, and I have started to bite my nails again after three years of not biting them. I assume it's due to extreme stress and panic.

[Blueberrybook]

Today was OK though I think my mood is headed down. I slept 12 hours last night, and I had been getting around 7 hours sleep a night all week. For once, anxiety was not so bad to cause a panic attack. I need to start walking or doing some exercise again. It helps the anxiety, and my weight is up enough to not cause extensive drama should a doctor weigh me.

My daughter has Monday off from school though H has a teacher training day. I’ve made plans to go to my sister’s house with my daughter. My 2 oldest nieces do not have the day off from school, but my 4 year old niece will still be there. She’s very cute and wants to paint nails and do pedicures with my daughter as well as play board games and watch a movie on DVD. It will give me a chance to talk with my sister again. My daughter is happy about it. She loves my sister and seeing her girl cousins. (My other sister has 2 boys, both older than my daughter.) H has no nieces or nephews on his side of the family.

H replaced the garbage disposal in our kitchen sink today. Hopefully that takes care of the leak down there. I am going to give it a day or two before moving all my cleaning supplies and dishwasher detergent back under the sink just to be sure there is no more leaking water. That was a mess.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Today was OK though I think my mood is headed down. I slept 12 hours last night, and I had been getting around 7 hours sleep a night all week. For once, anxiety was not so bad to cause a panic attack. I need to start walking or doing some exercise again. It helps the anxiety, and my weight is up enough to not cause extensive drama should a doctor weigh me.


My daughter has Monday off from school though H has a teacher training day. I’ve made plans to go to my sister’s house with my daughter. My 2 oldest nieces do not have the day off from school, but my 4 year old niece will still be there. She’s very cute and wants to paint nails and do pedicures with my daughter as well as play board games and watch a movie on DVD. It will give me a chance to talk with my sister again. My daughter is happy about it. She loves my sister and seeing her girl cousins. (My other sister has 2 boys, both older than my daughter.) H has no nieces or nephews on his side of the family.


H replaced the garbage disposal in our kitchen sink today. Hopefully that takes care of the leak down there. I am going to give it a day or two before moving all my cleaning supplies and dishwasher detergent back under the sink just to be sure there is no more leaking water. That was a mess.

You should feel very relieved your CPS case is closed and no more leaking sink.

Spending time with your daughter is wonderful, they grow up so quickly.

When do you have some time to play games or something one on one with your daughter ?

[bizi]

getting back to reality. video of klimt exhibit we experienced in paris last week. fantastic!
www.atelier-lumieres.com
bizi

[pirilin]

Busy. Selling at a show. Happy. Making money. Life is good.

[Moreta]

I haven't talked to my mom since january 2017. She sent me a letter saying she had breast cancer, that she was sorry, and she wished I was around to help her. Ofc she's "sorry" she needs something. Still not going to talk to her though. She probably doesn't even know what she's sorry about. I feel super pissed off. She. just. doesn't. get. it. and never will. I don't think my aunt is talking to her either. One can only take so much emotional abuse.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

You should feel very relieved your CPS case is closed and no more leaking sink.

Spending time with your daughter is wonderful, they grow up so quickly.

When do you have some time to play games or something one on one with your daughter ?

Believe me, I am so relieved the CPS has been closed. I was pretty sure they would close it without finding any grounds as it had been a month, maybe more, since the investigation had started, and they were not making an effort to remove either my daughter or me from the house, which I figured would occur if they had grounds for it. Luckily, they are not requiring me to go to extra CPS counseling stuff (they can if they feel it's warranted or if they have insufficient evidence of child abuse), mainly because all their facilities are in Houston, close to downtown, a driving nightmare for me (which I told the CPS caseworker), especially at rush hours & lunch. I think that, along with the fact that I have been seeing a pdoc for so long, was the main reason they let me skip the CPS psych assessment if I went to therapy on my own; they didn't have an assessment place in the area I felt comfortable driving to. Also, the psych assessment was so long, I wouldn't be able to pick my daughter up from school and would either have to use childcare or beg one of her best friend's mother to let my daughter walk home with hers, their home being less than a 10 minute walk from the school as the friend has both a grandmother and teenage (maybe around 17, 18 years old) sister at home or H would have had to have to take an afternoon or whole day off (to drive me) and/or get my daughter from school.

I have no more leaking sink, but unbelievably (or perhaps not, the luck I've been having), my dryer stopped heating to dry laundry. Completely no heat. Since I don't have a clothesline, I've had to hang clothes off shower/bathtub curtain bars to dry. I think my husband may have figured out the problem, but he can't get the part until Monday or Tuesday. There is a supply store near the school where he teaches, but it is closed on Sundays. He can perhaps go Monday after teacher training, though I am unsure whether the training is at his high school or one of the other high schools in the district or a meeting building the district owns & uses, sometimes for training, and none of those are close to his school. Tuesday he has another professional development day (with students off again), and I believe that one is at the school where he teaches. He could order the part off Amazon, but that would be 2 days for delivery. Also, I am not 100% sure he has found the problem. I had taken my night meds last night then gone to the dryer to fold clothes before bed as the medication can take 20-30 minutes before the full effect hits me, and that is when I discovered the dryer wasn't heating at all (it does not have a pilot light). H did think it was one of 2 possibilities based on Youtube (an ignitor or something else), but I got too tired before he could get the dryer apart and determine an actual cause. Now, I've got laundry hanging everywhere in the house to dry mostly on the shower/bathtub bars, and that is going to be going on a few days now, which is a bit of a pain (as well as thicker items drying much slower and perhaps needing ironing too, most don't from the dryer).

I woke early this morning, maybe because of sleeping 12 hours yesterday. Today, I have curbside grocery pickup. Also, I have to stop by 2 other grocery stores to get one thing at each that my daughter likes to eat but are not sold anyway else. I'll ask my daughter if she wants to come along. She likes grocery shopping. We can stop at a Starbucks (I have a gift card with plenty of money on it), so she can get a frappucino. She likes coffee flavor a lot; I am not sure why unless it is because I drank a lot of coffee (especially Starbucks) while breastfeeding; maybe the taste came through a bit in the milk. I remember also one day as I was trying to load stuff into the car, holding my daughter as a toddler (maybe close to 2 years old, but she was in the a very low weight percentile, around 3, 5% for her age/height), and when I looked over, she had sipped (from the straw) and swallowed a bit of my mocha frappucino and had the hugest grin on her face once I noticed. We haven't gone to Starbucks together in awhile, so it would be a bit of a treat for her. Starbucks is near the bank where I have a check around $25 to deposit (from a stock dividend my grandmother gave me as part of college graduation, though the stock has not increased or decreased much in value since then), and bank has a drive through ATM that takes checks and deposits them. I only use that function when the bank is open or if the check is a smaller amount, under $50 or so. And my daughter works hard at school; her grades are very good. Even when she has 20 not-so-clear Spanish words to spell and translate such as last week, she gets good grades. Her last test was very hard, with the the Spanish words starting all starting with "e" or "a" and containing either "r" or "rr", so they were harder to remember English definitions, and she still made a 98. Not bad considering we are Anglo and speak no Spanish at home. She has quite a bit of allowance/tooth fairy money, so maybe we could stop at Target or someplace like Michaels or Barnes & Noble or the dollar store if she wants to use a little for a treat for herself. It is a bit tedious as she takes awhile to make a decision, but that is OK. The worst that will happen is I'm late home to start dinner, and I always have the breakfast for dinner option ingredients for that case.

Weather is cooling off (not much, just a little), but we still have lots of mosquitoes outside and frequent rain. I'm thinking of asking H to find a new game on the computer or for the iPad which 2 people can play and that he thinks my daughter will enjoy & the rules will not be so complex, I am lost right away, so we can play together as a 2 player game. Also I remembered my daughter seems to like making collages (did them in GT camp over the summer several years in a row), and that is something I wouldn't mind doing. One year they based it on a short story they read first; another year they had a topic such as things they enjoy/love. I get plenty of free magazines from signups I find online, not to mention occasional free newspapers or catalogs. Last camp, the GT kids (daughter has been in the GT program since kindergarten) mixed ingredients into the paint to create texture before painting, and she liked that too. It was simple stuff, like flour, glitter, sand, cornstarch, etc. And I did do 2 easy adult crafts at the library (sadly, the librarian running the crafts retired and they are not doing them any more), one being a soap craft with scent (I've got essential oils, lavender or lemon would work), adding a food coloring to the soap and placing a plastic fish in the middle of the soap, but you could add any small plastic toy there, and tying them off with clear plastic if you lack a soap mold. We also did a thankful tree for last Thanksgiving. I have the vase from last year, most of which you fill with are dead leaves, interesting grass (i.e., weeds), fallen acorns, small fallen pinecones you collect off the ground, small sticks, then you punch out round bit of paper, write down things you are thankful for, and add them to the small branches like a tree. That would involve some walking around the neighborhood and local park, but it's not that tiring, especially if you stop at the park and sit or swing (my daughter's favorite activity on the play equipment); the park also has one of those free book exchanges (give a book, take a book) though it tends to be hit or miss, you never know. For some reason, the park has less mosquitoes than elsewhere in the neighborhood; maybe the city sprays more often there due to baseball games, scrimmage football (football is king her), and soccer games & practice. Maybe a picnic at the park one weekend or look for shells or at the local beach, even rocks as a lot of nearby gravel roads/road shoulders here are made of rocks that can contain fossils or bits of petrified wood, gemstones (not super valuable but interesting or pretty), and my daughter has an interest in that. H has a good book on roads to look for these things in Texas, some of which are nearby. Not sure if it is do-able today with having to get groceries and rain chances at 40%, which here means very likely rain, unlike when they predict 40% in Long Beach, CA, where H grew up, and his dad & sister are still out there. Not too likely for rain in that area of California unless it is around the end of December/early January, even then not a given.

So I've thought of a few things to do with my daughter. Also, there is drawing with sidewalk chalk (our front yard having fewer mosquitoes than the back yard) and even doing simple dumbell weight exercises (might have to refresh myself some on YouTube though) with her as she likes lifting dumbells, and we have 2 sets. She also likes jumping rope, which I used to be very good at in P.E. when we'd jump for as long as we could without messing up to raise money for a cause, but we'd need to get better jump ropes at home for that, and right now the outside activities would have to being early morning or evening. I wish we had some money as a local bayou does night hikes with a limited amount of people so the guide can keep count especially as some areas are very dark to search for various nocturnal animals/insects with a small lecture/question session beforehand; once we did a bat hike, and I know they have an owl hike and in the spring a hike for viewing fireflies. I just can't remember how expensive it is; not awful in my recollection, but maybe too much money, I'd have to find out the cost and discuss it with H and see if she wants to go on another night hike (she seemed to enjoy it in for the bat hike, and it was neat as fireflies were out later than usual for the time of year due to excessive rainfall from Harvey). So maybe some things to do with her as well as getting her a music playlist for her iPad. We have family sharing on iTunes purchases, and there are some songs she really likes listening to that I already own. And there is a doll game she likes to play with me, even though it is tedious. H can't stand it at all, but in the right mood, I can do it 30-45 minutes, take a 20 minute break or so and then continue it.

Some possibilities at least after thinking about it though I should probably write these down lest I forget them, which is a good possibility. Maybe cooking, but she is paranoid about raw meat, eggs, and knives though she will use a potato peeler to peel cucumber, carrots, etc., and I told her my mom had us using farm eggs without sell by dates (I learned in food microbiology that uncracked eggs are one of the toughest foods for preventing bacterial growth inside until cracked (though the shells can contain bacteria such as Samonella (so it's a good idea to wash the shells first), and Samonella can get in through shell cracks or very rarely in the U.S. hens with infected ovaries, but it is much rarer than people think, and I told my daughter that I ate dough/mixes with raw egg all the time coming from my grandparents (both sides) and never once got sick. I did order a no-bake dessert recipe mix for grocery pickup this week, and maybe she will help with that, assuming the store is not out, though I did give them the option to sub things if they can (usually they can sub but sometimes not). And she would definitely help with things like putting together salads (excluding potato salad, which I don't make anyway). She does like jigsaw puzzles or used to, so that is another choice. We have a lot of puzzles I've done before & taken apart and a couple undone puzzles, maybe making Thanksgiving or Christmas cards to give to family/extended family when we next get together. She doesn't tend to do that in December between celebrating both her birthday (usually 2 celebrations (one for school friends, one at home on her actual birthday; we have to do the school party early in December before school friends go on vacation or to spend Christmas with family even though my daughter's birthday is not until Dec. 14, 3 parties if my mom does one at the extended family Christmas) and Christmas (usually 2 events, extended family (we only exchange gifts for the kids under 18 & under to keep costs down; still my daughter has 5 cousins.) She can definitely make cards for my mom, grandmother, her aunts & uncles - my sisters - (only the aunts are blood relatives, none of the uncles), even her great aunts/uncles (again only the great-aunts are blood relatives).

So I have realized there are plenty of things I can do with my daughter, and maybe even looking at crafts/ideas on the computer or Pinterest can help with more inexpensive ideas. I really need to make a list and ask my daughter how she feels about each activity as right now her interests have changed a lot even from 1 year ago. I see her trying different hairstyles in the mirror, and she never did that last year, for example.

We have to go clothes shopping for her too; she has gotten much taller than she was before school started at the end of August, making nearly all her dresses too short, but she hates clothes shopping though it has to be done. I can't be having the school calling regularly needing me to bring new clothes because her dresses are too short (though still within the school dress code, maybe it is her proportions or something as she is growing).

Now I've got a lot of actual ideas of things she might be willing to do or try, I'm feeling more positive about spending time together we both will enjoy. I just have to put these ideas into effect.

[Sunflower123]

I had a lot of fun with my daughter yesterday. We went to an Apple house located in the middle of an apple orchard and had hot cider and hot apple dumplings with vanilla ice cream. After that, we went to a pumpkin patch and took a wagon and clippers and cut our own pumpkin. Finally, we went to a movie. Going to hang out today carving the pumpkin and baking pumpkin seeds and casseroles and then she’ll head back.

I’m doing exactly as my pdoc recommended. I get out almost every day even if it’s just to run errands and actively seek out activities and opportunities to build a more meaningful life (I just signed up for a 6 week drum circle). I write down each day everything I’ve done that day to reach that goal. This has been really hard and I’ve forced myself to do it. I don’t want to do anything.

I see much improvement during the times she is at college. The leaving after she has visited home, however, leaves me with crushing depression and everything seeming meaningless for several days and sometimes weeks. It’s frustrating and frankly embarrassing that I can’t get a better grip of the situation. So is the fact that I only sleep well when she is at home. Why can’t I get over this? I am very grateful that we have such a close bond...just frustrated with myself.

Best wishes to everyone on this Sunday.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Believe me, I am so relieved the CPS has been closed. I was pretty sure they would close it without finding any grounds as it had been a month, maybe more, since the investigation had started, and they were not making an effort to remove either my daughter or me from the house, which I figured would occur if they had grounds for it. Luckily, they are not requiring me to go to extra CPS counseling stuff (they can if they feel it's warranted or if they have insufficient evidence of child abuse), mainly because all their facilities are in Houston, close to downtown, a driving nightmare for me (which I told the CPS caseworker), especially at rush hours & lunch. I think that, along with the fact that I have been seeing a pdoc for so long, was the main reason they let me skip the CPS psych assessment if I went to therapy on my own; they didn't have an assessment place in the area I felt comfortable driving to. Also, the psych assessment was so long, I wouldn't be able to pick my daughter up from school and would either have to use childcare or beg one of her best friend's mother to let my daughter walk home with hers, their home being less than a 10 minute walk from the school as the friend has both a grandmother and teenage (maybe around 17, 18 years old) sister at home or H would have had to have to take an afternoon or whole day off (to drive me) and/or get my daughter from school.


I have no more leaking sink, but unbelievably (or perhaps not, the luck I've been having), my dryer stopped heating to dry laundry. Completely no heat. Since I don't have a clothesline, I've had to hang clothes off shower/bathtub curtain bars to dry. I think my husband may have figured out the problem, but he can't get the part until Monday or Tuesday. There is a supply store near the school where he teaches, but it is closed on Sundays. He can perhaps go Monday after teacher training, though I am unsure whether the training is at his high school or one of the other high schools in the district or a meeting building the district owns & uses, sometimes for training, and none of those are close to his school. Tuesday he has another professional development day (with students off again), and I believe that one is at the school where he teaches. He could order the part off Amazon, but that would be 2 days for delivery. Also, I am not 100% sure he has found the problem. I had taken my night meds last night then gone to the dryer to fold clothes before bed as the medication can take 20-30 minutes before the full effect hits me, and that is when I discovered the dryer wasn't heating at all (it does not have a pilot light). H did think it was one of 2 possibilities based on Youtube (an ignitor or something else), but I got too tired before he could get the dryer apart and determine an actual cause. Now, I've got laundry hanging everywhere in the house to dry mostly on the shower/bathtub bars, and that is going to be going on a few days now, which is a bit of a pain (as well as thicker items drying much slower and perhaps needing ironing too, most don't from the dryer).


I woke early this morning, maybe because of sleeping 12 hours yesterday. Today, I have curbside grocery pickup. Also, I have to stop by 2 other grocery stores to get one thing at each that my daughter likes to eat but are not sold anyway else. I'll ask my daughter if she wants to come along. She likes grocery shopping. We can stop at a Starbucks (I have a gift card with plenty of money on it), so she can get a frappucino. She likes coffee flavor a lot; I am not sure why unless it is because I drank a lot of coffee (especially Starbucks) while breastfeeding; maybe the taste came through a bit in the milk. I remember also one day as I was trying to load stuff into the car, holding my daughter as a toddler (maybe close to 2 years old, but she was in the a very low weight percentile, around 3, 5% for her age/height), and when I looked over, she had sipped (from the straw) and swallowed a bit of my mocha frappucino and had the hugest grin on her face once I noticed. We haven't gone to Starbucks together in awhile, so it would be a bit of a treat for her. Starbucks is near the bank where I have a check around $25 to deposit (from a stock dividend my grandmother gave me as part of college graduation, though the stock has not increased or decreased much in value since then), and bank has a drive through ATM that takes checks and deposits them. I only use that function when the bank is open or if the check is a smaller amount, under $50 or so. And my daughter works hard at school; her grades are very good. Even when she has 20 not-so-clear Spanish words to spell and translate such as last week, she gets good grades. Her last test was very hard, with the the Spanish words starting all starting with "e" or "a" and containing either "r" or "rr", so they were harder to remember English definitions, and she still made a 98. Not bad considering we are Anglo and speak no Spanish at home. She has quite a bit of allowance/tooth fairy money, so maybe we could stop at Target or someplace like Michaels or Barnes & Noble or the dollar store if she wants to use a little for a treat for herself. It is a bit tedious as she takes awhile to make a decision, but that is OK. The worst that will happen is I'm late home to start dinner, and I always have the breakfast for dinner option ingredients for that case.


Weather is cooling off (not much, just a little), but we still have lots of mosquitoes outside and frequent rain. I'm thinking of asking H to find a new game on the computer or for the iPad which 2 people can play and that he thinks my daughter will enjoy & the rules will not be so complex, I am lost right away, so we can play together as a 2 player game. Also I remembered my daughter seems to like making collages (did them in GT camp over the summer several years in a row), and that is something I wouldn't mind doing. One year they based it on a short story they read first; another year they had a topic such as things they enjoy/love. I get plenty of free magazines from signups I find online, not to mention occasional free newspapers or catalogs. Last camp, the GT kids (daughter has been in the GT program since kindergarten) mixed ingredients into the paint to create texture before painting, and she liked that too. It was simple stuff, like flour, glitter, sand, cornstarch, etc. And I did do 2 easy adult crafts at the library (sadly, the librarian running the crafts retired and they are not doing them any more), one being a soap craft with scent (I've got essential oils, lavender or lemon would work), adding a food coloring to the soap and placing a plastic fish in the middle of the soap, but you could add any small plastic toy there, and tying them off with clear plastic if you lack a soap mold. We also did a thankful tree for last Thanksgiving. I have the vase from last year, most of which you fill with are dead leaves, interesting grass (i.e., weeds), fallen acorns, small fallen pinecones you collect off the ground, small sticks, then you punch out round bit of paper, write down things you are thankful for, and add them to the small branches like a tree. That would involve some walking around the neighborhood and local park, but it's not that tiring, especially if you stop at the park and sit or swing (my daughter's favorite activity on the play equipment); the park also has one of those free book exchanges (give a book, take a book) though it tends to be hit or miss, you never know. For some reason, the park has less mosquitoes than elsewhere in the neighborhood; maybe the city sprays more often there due to baseball games, scrimmage football (football is king her), and soccer games & practice. Maybe a picnic at the park one weekend or look for shells or at the local beach, even rocks as a lot of nearby gravel roads/road shoulders here are made of rocks that can contain fossils or bits of petrified wood, gemstones (not super valuable but interesting or pretty), and my daughter has an interest in that. H has a good book on roads to look for these things in Texas, some of which are nearby. Not sure if it is do-able today with having to get groceries and rain chances at 40%, which here means very likely rain, unlike when they predict 40% in Long Beach, CA, where H grew up, and his dad & sister are still out there. Not too likely for rain in that area of California unless it is around the end of December/early January, even then not a given.


So I've thought of a few things to do with my daughter. Also, there is drawing with sidewalk chalk (our front yard having fewer mosquitoes than the back yard) and even doing simple dumbell weight exercises (might have to refresh myself some on YouTube though) with her as she likes lifting dumbells, and we have 2 sets. She also likes jumping rope, which I used to be very good at in P.E. when we'd jump for as long as we could without messing up to raise money for a cause, but we'd need to get better jump ropes at home for that, and right now the outside activities would have to being early morning or evening. I wish we had some money as a local bayou does night hikes with a limited amount of people so the guide can keep count especially as some areas are very dark to search for various nocturnal animals/insects with a small lecture/question session beforehand; once we did a bat hike, and I know they have an owl hike and in the spring a hike for viewing fireflies. I just can't remember how expensive it is; not awful in my recollection, but maybe too much money, I'd have to find out the cost and discuss it with H and see if she wants to go on another night hike (she seemed to enjoy it in for the bat hike, and it was neat as fireflies were out later than usual for the time of year due to excessive rainfall from Harvey). So maybe some things to do with her as well as getting her a music playlist for her iPad. We have family sharing on iTunes purchases, and there are some songs she really likes listening to that I already own. And there is a doll game she likes to play with me, even though it is tedious. H can't stand it at all, but in the right mood, I can do it 30-45 minutes, take a 20 minute break or so and then continue it.


Some possibilities at least after thinking about it though I should probably write these down lest I forget them, which is a good possibility. Maybe cooking, but she is paranoid about raw meat, eggs, and knives though she will use a potato peeler to peel cucumber, carrots, etc., and I told her my mom had us using farm eggs without sell by dates (I learned in food microbiology that uncracked eggs are one of the toughest foods for preventing bacterial growth inside until cracked (though the shells can contain bacteria such as Samonella (so it's a good idea to wash the shells first), and Samonella can get in through shell cracks or very rarely in the U.S. hens with infected ovaries, but it is much rarer than people think, and I told my daughter that I ate dough/mixes with raw egg all the time coming from my grandparents (both sides) and never once got sick. I did order a no-bake dessert recipe mix for grocery pickup this week, and maybe she will help with that, assuming the store is not out, though I did give them the option to sub things if they can (usually they can sub but sometimes not). And she would definitely help with things like putting together salads (excluding potato salad, which I don't make anyway). She does like jigsaw puzzles or used to, so that is another choice. We have a lot of puzzles I've done before & taken apart and a couple undone puzzles, maybe making Thanksgiving or Christmas cards to give to family/extended family when we next get together. She doesn't tend to do that in December between celebrating both her birthday (usually 2 celebrations (one for school friends, one at home on her actual birthday; we have to do the school party early in December before school friends go on vacation or to spend Christmas with family even though my daughter's birthday is not until Dec. 14, 3 parties if my mom does one at the extended family Christmas) and Christmas (usually 2 events, extended family (we only exchange gifts for the kids under 18 & under to keep costs down; still my daughter has 5 cousins.) She can definitely make cards for my mom, grandmother, her aunts & uncles - my sisters - (only the aunts are blood relatives, none of the uncles), even her great aunts/uncles (again only the great-aunts are blood relatives).


So I have realized there are plenty of things I can do with my daughter, and maybe even looking at crafts/ideas on the computer or Pinterest can help with more inexpensive ideas. I really need to make a list and ask my daughter how she feels about each activity as right now her interests have changed a lot even from 1 year ago. I see her trying different hairstyles in the mirror, and she never did that last year, for example.


We have to go clothes shopping for her too; she has gotten much taller than she was before school started at the end of August, making nearly all her dresses too short, but she hates clothes shopping though it has to be done. I can't be having the school calling regularly needing me to bring new clothes because her dresses are too short (though still within the school dress code, maybe it is her proportions or something as she is growing).


Now I've got a lot of actual ideas of things she might be willing to do or try, I'm feeling more positive about spending time together we both will enjoy. I just have to put these ideas into effect.

I’m not able to read your entire post , much too long for me , sorry .....

I think you posted some things your daughter might like ..... that’s all that matters.

[Wild Coyote]

Still under the weather with this respiratory virus. It has been a week. I know some people are having this for up to 2 weeks.

H has been ill, too. He has been worse off.

It's getting very boring, so I hope things clear up soon!

Am still adjusting meds.

Love to All!

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I had a lot of fun with my daughter yesterday. We went to an Apple house located in the middle of an apple orchard and had hot cider and hot apple dumplings with vanilla ice cream. After that, we went to a pumpkin patch and took a wagon and clippers and cut our own pumpkin. Finally, we went to a movie. Going to hang out today carving the pumpkin and baking pumpkin seeds and casseroles and then she’ll head back.

I’m doing exactly as my pdoc recommended. I get out almost every day even if it’s just to run errands and actively seek out activities and opportunities to build a more meaningful life (I just signed up for a 6 week drum circle). I write down each day everything I’ve done that day to reach that goal. This has been really hard and I’ve forced myself to do it. I don’t want to do anything.

I see much improvement during the times she is at college. The leaving after she has visited home, however, leaves me with crushing depression and everything seeming meaningless for several days and sometimes weeks. It’s frustrating and frankly embarrassing that I can’t get a better grip of the situation. So is the fact that I only sleep well when she is at home. Why can’t I get over this? I am very grateful that we have such a close bond...just frustrated with myself.

Best wishes to everyone on this Sunday.

I am so happy to read you are getting out daily!

It's wonderful you and your daughter can spend time together!

Drumming circles can be fun and can also be very cathartic!

So nice to have you around!


WC

[Sunflower123]

You are so thoughtful and positive!! Thank you for helping me focus on what is going right in this situation. I really appreciate you.

I hope you and H feel better soon. It sounds like a real bear. It’s good your mom didn’t catch it.

[Nammu]

Sold my car today so I'm officially Car-less again but drive mums everywhere. Gotta call the insurance company tomorrow and cancel. Went to the store picked up groceries, they had a sale on tomatoes so made homemade tomato soup, no recipe just ad lib. Turned out good, squeezed a lime into it for fun. My sister said it tasted Mediterranean.

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Sorry for the long response! But I don't blame you for saying it "doesn't change anything." It sounds like he was abusive a good chunk of the time. I don't know if he was physically or emotionally abusive, but using your bank account etc to pay for porn and hook up with women is one form of abuse. (My grandfather, from 5 years before he died up until his death, used my GRANDMA'S bank account to pay for clothes, makeup, etc. for other women. He also used it to buy moonshine when he used up all his money. And well, my grandma had dementia, so she didn't understand until we caught him ourselves. )

I don't mean to be offensive at all when I say this, because I want to be helpful, but in my experience, a lot of people are "regretful" only when it's too late. That's how my grandfather was. I don't think he would have been so sorry if he didn't get caught, because he did it for at least 5 years, possibly more. He wasn't sorry the entire time he did it, but suddenly he was "sorry" once he was caught. Maybe your bf is different, though. Just giving you something to consider if you ultimately decide to get back together.

But, for giving ourselves closure, sometimes (but not always) the best thing we can do is forgive but not forget. If we cling onto the abusive behavior etc. (and believe me, I was abused myself), it only drags us down and hurts us further. I'm not saying it is an easy road to travel at all, because even things severe like PTSD and severe C-PTSD take years and years to overcome, if at all, but when we are finally ready to give ourselves closure -- perhaps through years and years of therapy? -- we, for the most part, find ourselves at peace. We may have flareups from PTSD or C-PTSD, but we must work to find closure somehow, however that may be, even if it doesn't involve forgiving.

I know some people here will disagree, but for me personally, forgiving helps give me some closure. Sometimes people do very stupid, careless, or innocent things without thinking, which is why I forgive them. But if forgiving is too difficult, perhaps because someone did something so evil, we should consider finding ways to release that frustration and anger.

My grandfather was possibly also responsible for my grandma's early death. He ignored doctors' suggestions to get her evaluated for "possibly dementia." He ignored it for years (since 1999) and hid all the paperwork from her because he thought they were wrong and a bunch of money grabbers. (We found all this paperwork after my grandfather's death when cleaning out their house.) Then only when my grandma "lost it," in his words, did he tell us to do something about it. (And yeah, he told US to deal with it, not him. Nice, right?) We could have possibly extended her life by a few years if she could have taken Aricept (which is a med that slows down brain degradation due to dementia and alzheimer's). By the time she started taking Aricept, though, it was too late. Wasn't effective.

At the time, it f***ing pissed me off that he would do that, and I felt that way for a while after my grandma's fast decline, but the best I could do was forgive him for his asshole behavior because he obviously didn't realize what a terrible thing he had done. I know that he would have NEVER wanted her to die an early death, so I call that ignorance and stupidity. I know I sound angry right now, but I'm currently just expressing my feelings at the time. But I've forgiven him for his stupidity, selfishness, carelessness, and ignorance. That's what it really was. It was not evil behavior; he just thought he knew better when he obviously didn't. Though again, if you have PTSD, your form of closure may be different.

Sorry to take so long responding, bluebicycle. I needed to do it on a computer for easier reference scrolling (plus I've been pretty busy). Yeah, when I say it doesn't change anything, I mean along the lines of: my mind, what happened, the consequences. You perceive correctly, there was off and on emotional abuse (some quite extreme). His regret... I believe what he regrets the most is that what he did led to screwing himself over royally (i.e., consequences). Promises to do better I've heard before. They are so much yada yada to my ears. He may "mean" them on a certain level, but follow thru never really happens. Actions vs words. He's good at words. Not so much on actions. If they happen, they are short-lived. Getting back together? HIGHLY unlikely. Friendly, ok, but not a relationship relationship.

I agree on forgiving. At first, I was rightfully PO'd. But, perhaps surprisingly, forgiveness was relatively easy. It helped that the charges were able to get reversed on account of unauthorized activity. I view what he did as profoundly stupid, not evil. And I've known for quite some time that the relationship wasn't good for me, and this was a clear-cut ticket out. I'd be crazy to say I'm "glad" he did it, but it has worked out very well for me (I'm loving my new life, and it doesn't bother me that he is still in it a bit)

They have me down for a dx of PTSD (c-PTSD I'm sure). I'm guessing that's based on my childhood, but I was definitely re-traumatized over these years. Closure confuses me a bit. I feel like I was drawing back mentally for a long time (so was already well on my way(?)). I gave up a long time ago on the wishful thinking of going back to the initial golden days (when I was unknowingly being love-bombed). I feel really strong and ready for this new time. I've been reading books to reinforce, even though I don't particularly feel like I need it. I'm already opening the new chapter and not looking back (except to learn from). So do I have closure? Pretty close, if not.

I'm really sorry about your grandfather -- that's pretty obnoxious stuff(!! )

[bizi]

Hubby is installing the new toilet paper holder...mine broke.
It is an elaborate system. I hear pounding and drilling.
I took off the old one and it was very difficult to do by hand.
But I did it.
I did my continuing education courses on line for my RN license.
I have to do 10 hours of course work every year.
And I am doing laundry from our trip. I had a shirt that has billowing sleeves that some how got dirty. So I used special cleaners to get the stains out. Not sure if it did or not. We'll see.
bizi

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Still under the weather with this respiratory virus. It has been a week. I know some people are having this for up to 2 weeks.


H has been ill, too. He has been worse off.


It's getting very boring, so I hope things clear up soon!


Am still adjusting meds.


Love to All!



WC

I disapprove of this illness invading you and your husband!!!!!!

I hope it lifts soon, very soon

Fluids and rest to you both in mass amounts

[yellow_fleurs]

Thinking about adopting 2 kittens. Was just going to adopt a cat, but then my friend has these kittens that were rescued and they are supposed to do better in a house with another cat or kitten, so I might end up with two. I guess it is a good sign I am thinking about taking care of something as that implies I have plans to be around.
I am not feeling very well today. Irritable and my mood feels low at the same time. Not terrible, but my thoughts are bothering me again. Trying my best to use CBT style techniques to keep them from getting out of hand. Also stressed about some situational stuff. It is making me feel alone because that is the kind of nature of it.

[Pookyl]

With the extra AP my head is now quieter.
I do have a major case of the poops for no reason at all. This too shall pass I guess.
I’d really like to be back to my baseline before I have to see my pdoc.

I feel good. It's just my third day on Wellbutrin so it's probably not that? I ate lightly today for the first day in a while and i feel a lot better. I've also decided to attempt to give up Coke Zero as it was destroying my digestion. I've tried rationing it before and it never lasts. I haven't had any for 36 hours and feel so much better! I'm not getting the caffeine headache i got before when i tried to quit. So grateful!

I think it really helped me to talk things out with my doctor and such a relief that he was so concerned and caring and thorough. It was a relief to talk about my suicidality (which has passed) and a relief to find him to be an excellent doctor, as was my old one.

I feel a fragile hope for the future with the Wellbutrin. My doctor said if it doesn't work we'll just try something else. Feeling better at the moment and looking forward to feeling even better in the future! Depression be banished!!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I feel good. It's just my third day on Wellbutrin so it's probably not that? I ate lightly today for the first day in a while and i feel a lot better. I've also decided to attempt to give up Coke Zero as it was destroying my digestion. I've tried rationing it before and it never lasts. I haven't had any for 36 hours and feel so much better! I'm not getting the caffeine headache i got before when i tried to quit. So grateful!

I think it really helped me to talk things out with my doctor and such a relief that he was so concerned and caring and thorough. It was a relief to talk about my suicidality (which has passed) and a relief to find him to be an excellent doctor, as was my old one.

I feel a fragile hope for the future with the Wellbutrin. My doctor said if it doesn't work we'll just try something else. Feeling better at the moment and looking forward to feeling even better in the future! Depression be banished!!!

I hope the Wellbutrin lives up to your expectations.
I feel hopeful for you!

WC