Are you saying that size matters?
If so, that's very hurtful.

Went to a concert over the weekend. It was awesome. I have four cats now that I'm taking care of my grandma's. Fall is here. I've been doing well in my class. ECT is going well, but I'm hungry and can't eat until after. Maybe I'll go out to eat afterwards.

[MJLouise]

Im not okay. Im really really sick and hangin in there till my new psychiatrist gets me back on medication. Im trying to avoid interacting with my kids friends parents because I dont want to be weird and its too hard to act normal right now. Luckily i dont get ragey- when i was younger my mom suffered with this too but used to rage and rage and it was very hurtful and damaging I just get sad and go to a very dark place that leave my chest hollow. I'm pretty good at giving myself space when im not right but this is the first time my depression has been this severe in over a decade. I feel like an idiot for thinking i wasnt bipolar when for years i had accepted it and told myself I'd never go off meds. My husband was home and did a lot with the kids and luckily their teens now so their very self sufficient but Im reading in my room in bed and on the computer distancing myself. letting them watch more TV and do more video games than usual. I have a psyche apt tomorrow but im doubtful she'll let me start meds she wanted an eeg first but they couldnt get me in till oct 18th. I feel very stuck and mad at mysellf. So im sick. If anyone asks I have the flu- a 18 month long flue. Im not suicidal i think ive hit the bottom of how low this is going but its hard.

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry for the lack of posts/responses lately. I have been running late with everything. I slept a ton over the weekend (depression? not sure). I couldn't fall asleep on the meds from the pdoc and had to result to a small trazodone dose (have a lot of trazodone from previous pdoc). It was only 50 mg of trazodone, but it still did me in. Trazodone tends to make me so tired in the morning.

I overslept both yesterday and today, which was not good (turned off alarm, went back to sleep). I always wake H and my daughter up for work and school. Yesterday, it affected H more as he had a teacher training day, and my daughter was off from school. Today, though it affected both of them; H with another teacher training day (he's in a different school district than my daughter), my daughter running super late for school. We only got her to school 5 minutes before the tardy bell. Luckily, we are just over a 5 minute drive to school; it was be 5 min. or less, but most of that drive is 20 mph school speed limit, which the local police enforce to a T.

My daughter was very good at the rushed morning considering she really hates things like that. I promised her I would play her doll game (super tedious) for 2 hr. on either Friday, Sat., or Sunday, her choice, though I might have to play 30 minutes, take a 10 min. break, then 30 minutes again. I told her we wouldn't count the breaks as part of the 2 hour period. We've got lots of kitchen timers that work well (I might be putting on by the bed, considering). I didn't realize how much my daughter wanted to play that doll game with me as she hadn't asked in ages, but when I told her we'd play it over the weekend because she was so good this morning, she got a giant smile on her face, kept telling me thank you, had a lot of excitement in her voice the entire (though short) drive to school. I feel very good about that, that she wants to spend time with me.

I don't think H was too sad if he'd be late to teacher training; he feels it tends to be useless & a waste of time, but tomorrow he teaches & has morning duty so no time to prep especially as yesterday they were supposed to get their classrooms ready for SAT testing after lunch, but all the science classrooms were filled with teachers district-wide doing special ed training all day, which really got to H, as all the other teachers got to work on their rooms, numbering desks, etc. and preparing for the SAT except the science teachers, and admin insisting he & all science teachers with morning duty on Wed. morning that they to it. I think in prep for the SAT, the teachers have to cover certain posters, calendars, etc. for the exam, number desks, have a seating chart, pick up exams that morning, giving him only 5 minutes for all of this tomorrow.

I am seeing the pdoc again late this morning, so I will mention the sudden sleep issues to him; really, it's been about 2 weeks, just getting worse & worse. I can't take the trazodone regularly right now; it is making me oversleep though in the past I could take 100 mg OK and do fine in the morning. And also it takes about an hour to work, so after over an hour of not sleeping, I will take it. Ugh. I texted my T as well, asking if she'd want me to sign a consent to get pdoc's notes, and she said yes. I usually wait longer to sign that consent, but I feel comfortable with this T having them though I told her I do not yet want a 2 way consent, where he can get her notes on me just yet, only her to get mine from him. That's what I'm comfortable with. I also let her know when we meet on Friday that I will need suggestions on how to get closure from seeing my wonderful old pdoc. The old pdoc is still working part-time there, so maybe the new pdoc will pass along a thank you card as it is a small clinic (3 pdocs, one child therapist). Maybe that will be my closure, maybe he will have ideas today too as he has worked with her as a colleague many years. I missed my last appt. with her due to being in the hospital with the ulcer stuff, so I thought I'd be able to say good-bye then originally as I in no way predicted the ulcer stuff, especially as I had an ulcer I didn't know about with no symptoms. It's tough. The new pdoc is good by most standards of other pdocs out there, just not as good as she is, and I'd been seeing her over 10 years, which is a long period of time. Plus, she is the pdoc who finally clued in to the fact I was bipolar and did not have major depression and took me off SSRIs, except on occasion Effexor, which doesn't give me side effects and tends to work well 3, 4 months short term before driving me towards hypomania. But I always get the horrid Effexor withdrawal symptoms, which is hard to deal with. Effexor works the best for me during depressive epidoses though Wellbutrin and Cymbalta also help. But I've been more depressed, maybe still mixed since the pdoc had to lower my Wellbutrin dose from 300 mg to 150 mg as I started to get severely forgetful, and he suspected the Wellbutrin; he was right.

Looks like it will rain again today. As long as I don't have to drive in heavy rain. At least, I finally got a new pair of windshield wipers as the passenger one was falling apart. Had the store guy put on the passenger wiper (they do that free), and since we are pinching pennies, saving the driver's side wiper for when that rubber starts breaking. Since both last wipers were put on at the same time, it is likely the driver's side one maybe start breaking all the rubber too soon, especially given the super hot summer we've had.

Yesterday, my daughter & I went to my sister's house. My 2 oldest nieces did have school yesterday, but my 4 year old niece was home, and we have been doing cousin days with my nieces, where only 1 niece at a time plays with my daughter. We will have to do the oldest niece next month on a weekend as my sister's husband is super busy all weekend; he is a band director, has to watch marching band things at both high schools, have the band at football games even though he only teaches grades 6-8. Football is big here. And he gets some extra pay as he is the music minister at their church; fortunately, this position also makes it easy if I super need confidential talking if he has time. Now, though, I have a T, so hopefully that will change. Anyway, we watched Moana, which my sister owns but my daughter & I hadn't seen, ate popcorn, the 2 played together, we had lunch, then they soaked their feet in a bathtub with a fizzer, dried their feet and then painted their toenails. Both of them painted their nails with as many colors possible, so they had rainbow toenails in the end. Then, the 2 played games and made obstacle courses, and both had fun; I got to talk with my sister as well. Both girls seemed to have fun as my 4 year old niece often gets talked over by her 2 older sisters when all 3 girls are there (she is quieter and super small for her age, doc suspects something genetic, but they can't find it and stopped all the testing as my niece is normal developmentally and the tests worried my sister to no end until the results came back always negative). I do suspect this niece may never get a cycle or be able to have kids, but she tends to be healthy otherwise unless most of the family is sick.

Sorry for the extra long post. Also positively, my H fixed the dryer yesterday, which had blown & fuse & was not heating (cleaned the lint out & that is a common cause of a dryer fuse blowing).

Heading to the pdoc now. Hugs to everyone needing support right now.

I was supposed to go to the phlebotomist yesterday and couldn't get myself to go. Then I planned to go this morning and didn't. I should definitely go tomorrow morning, but I'm afraid it will be tough because I have to stay up later than usual tonight. Thursday will be the latest I can go. It has to be in the morning because they are fasting tests.

I've not been that well for a while. I have good moments or hours, but overall I've been debating whether I'm just "blah so-so" or actually mildly depressed at times. That's what I'll say to my psychiatrist when I see him this afternoon.

I'm supposed to go to the first class of an adult school class tonight. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm only going to satisfy my husband. He has some idea for future work that I'm totally not into. This class is supposed to help me with one aspect of his idea. Who knows. Maybe it will be better than I think.

I've lost interest in just about everything except eating. And my eating has mostly been unhealthy eating. My blood test results will likely be bad.

My hair looks horrible. Not just because I haven't washed it or tried to make it look better, but because the last two hair cuts weren't good, and my hair quality has gotten worse. I also spend much of my day lounging in bed, so I have bed head, but when my hair was better I didn't get bed head, even lounging an equal amount of time.

Should I push myself to shower and wash/style my hair before seeing my psychiatrist? Or deliberately let him see my usual physical appearance?

[Moose72]

My case manager finally set up a meeting time.

today can go under the category " awake, only because I can't sleep"

nothing got done and the day was pointless

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Should I push myself to shower and wash/style my hair before seeing my psychiatrist? Or deliberately let him see my usual physical appearance?

Go as you are. There's nothing to be gained by presenting a false appearance.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I was supposed to go to the phlebotomist yesterday and couldn't get myself to go. Then I planned to go this morning and didn't. I should definitely go tomorrow morning, but I'm afraid it will be tough because I have to stay up later than usual tonight. Thursday will be the latest I can go. It has to be in the morning because they are fasting tests.

I've not been that well for a while. I have good moments or hours, but overall I've been debating whether I'm just "blah so-so" or actually mildly depressed at times. That's what I'll say to my psychiatrist when I see him this afternoon.

I'm supposed to go to the first class of an adult school class tonight. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm only going to satisfy my husband. He has some idea for future work that I'm totally not into. This class is supposed to help me with one aspect of his idea. Who knows. Maybe it will be better than I think.

I've lost interest in just about everything except eating. And my eating has mostly been unhealthy eating. My blood test results will likely be bad.

My hair looks horrible. Not just because I haven't washed it or tried to make it look better, but because the last two hair cuts weren't good, and my hair quality has gotten worse. I also spend much of my day lounging in bed, so I have bed head, but when my hair was better I didn't get bed head, even lounging an equal amount of time.

Should I push myself to shower and wash/style my hair before seeing my psychiatrist? Or deliberately let him see my usual physical appearance?

I hope you fell better soon!
I am always freshly showered when I see my pdoc.
I do admit to showering difficulties if I am having them.
It's an individual choice, I guess?


WC

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I was supposed to go to the phlebotomist yesterday and couldn't get myself to go. Then I planned to go this morning and didn't. I should definitely go tomorrow morning, but I'm afraid it will be tough because I have to stay up later than usual tonight. Thursday will be the latest I can go. It has to be in the morning because they are fasting tests.

I've not been that well for a while. I have good moments or hours, but overall I've been debating whether I'm just "blah so-so" or actually mildly depressed at times. That's what I'll say to my psychiatrist when I see him this afternoon.

I'm supposed to go to the first class of an adult school class tonight. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm only going to satisfy my husband. He has some idea for future work that I'm totally not into. This class is supposed to help me with one aspect of his idea. Who knows. Maybe it will be better than I think.

I've lost interest in just about everything except eating. And my eating has mostly been unhealthy eating. My blood test results will likely be bad.

My hair looks horrible. Not just because I haven't washed it or tried to make it look better, but because the last two hair cuts weren't good, and my hair quality has gotten worse. I also spend much of my day lounging in bed, so I have bed head, but when my hair was better I didn't get bed head, even lounging an equal amount of time.

Should I push myself to shower and wash/style my hair before seeing my psychiatrist? Or deliberately let him see my usual physical appearance?

I’ve been both ways depending on how I’m doing. Sometimes it is all I can do to make it there (I wear a hat) and others I am showered and have my hair and makeup done. The important thing is that you make it there. I hope you feel better as well. Best wishes.

[Faltering]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Should I push myself to shower and wash/style my hair before seeing my psychiatrist? Or deliberately let him see my usual physical appearance?

I would recommend going with your usual appearance to give your pdoc an idea of your current functioning. No point in pushing yourself when he's there to help.

Thank you, Innerzone, Wild Coyote, and Jennifer 1967!

I think I will go as is. I will be wearing clean clothes. I may shower, but I'm not going to wash my hair as it is a real task. I will brush it and try to cut down on the frizz.

I'm almost crying at the prospect of going to the first adult school class tonight. I'm afraid of it.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Thank you, Innerzone, Wild Coyote, and Jennifer 1967!

I think I will go as is. I will be wearing clean clothes. I may shower, but I'm not going to wash my hair as it is a real task. I will brush it and try to cut down on the frizz.

I'm almost crying at the prospect of going to the first adult school class tonight. I'm afraid of it.

Sending best wishes and supportive vibes for your first class. You can think of us cheering you on. Good luck!!

[Sunflower123]

Yesterday, I had really bad chest pain and a stomach bug. Today, I’m exhausted and achy from that but emotionally ok and hope to go to the movies with friends if I can get my body to move. The latter is great! The plan might just be working.

I am concerned about the chest pain. I almost called 911 several times but decided I was being silly. This was something different from panic attacks. I think I’ll get it checked out after I get my cast off tomorrow. Yay!!! One more day!!!

Best wishes to all on this Tuesday.

[Moose72]

I got 95% of all the paperwork done! Need some proofs still. And i have a meeting with my casemanager on thursday to go over it all.

I picked up my med packs for the week. Only difference is my AD is increased.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I got 95% of all the paperwork done! Need some proofs still. And i have a meeting with my casemanager on thursday to go over it all.

I picked up my med packs for the week. Only difference is my AD is increased.

That’s great news! What a relief.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I was supposed to go to the phlebotomist yesterday and couldn't get myself to go. Then I planned to go this morning and didn't. I should definitely go tomorrow morning, but I'm afraid it will be tough because I have to stay up later than usual tonight. Thursday will be the latest I can go. It has to be in the morning because they are fasting tests.

I've not been that well for a while. I have good moments or hours, but overall I've been debating whether I'm just "blah so-so" or actually mildly depressed at times. That's what I'll say to my psychiatrist when I see him this afternoon.

I'm supposed to go to the first class of an adult school class tonight. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm only going to satisfy my husband. He has some idea for future work that I'm totally not into. This class is supposed to help me with one aspect of his idea. Who knows. Maybe it will be better than I think.

I've lost interest in just about everything except eating. And my eating has mostly been unhealthy eating. My blood test results will likely be bad.

My hair looks horrible. Not just because I haven't washed it or tried to make it look better, but because the last two hair cuts weren't good, and my hair quality has gotten worse. I also spend much of my day lounging in bed, so I have bed head, but when my hair was better I didn't get bed head, even lounging an equal amount of time.

Should I push myself to shower and wash/style my hair before seeing my psychiatrist? Or deliberately let him see my usual physical appearance?

Definitely think you should shower & wear clean clothes. Taking care of your appearance is self-care, and you definitely sound like you need some self-care.

Sorry about the blood draw. I hate the fasting ones, but can you get there as soon as they open so not have as long to fast? I tend to delay blood draws, but that is because it is 50/50 whether I faint or not. Strangely, the phlebomist lab my PCP/insurance uses has no areas to lie down for blood draws, always much easier for me.

But if your bloodwork isn't great, you should know it, in case you need medication or a change of meds and start fresh working toward a good reading next time

Feeling lousy today. Lots of annoying things happened that ruined my day, on top of me missing my morning meds doses.

Basically, sink in my apartment is f***ed because someone from upstairs is flushing orange sponges down the drain and it's clogging mine because I'm seeing orange sponge pieces bubbling up. Also, car took nearly 3 hours to get done (when they said it'd be under 1 hour "for sure"), so I missed ALL my meds. Now everything is just "off" today. I'm having a bad day.

[Moose72]

Someone is knocking on my door. Or was. I dont answer unless i know youre coming. All they are is creepy crooks. Why do they stay for so long knocking? N3 looked out the blinds and said he had a clipboard.

[TheSeaCat]

Saw the doc today more pills yay. He upped my Buspar to three times a day for a grand total of 30mg a day. Still on Seroquel 200mg and in order to combat the indigestion Prilosec. My pulse rate and blood pressure were also rather high so I now have a referral for a Cardiologist. Yippie exactly what I wanted another doctor and more doctor visits.

[Pookyl]

Well decreasing my Seroquel yesterday morning turned out to be a stupid idea. By mid afternoon my head was so chatty. It was going places where I’d be IP pretty quickly. So I’m back to taking extra Seroquel.
The annoying thing is that my new temporary dose will invariably end up permanent.
I’ve now been unwell with back to back episodes for 4yrs. I’m feeling battle fatigued.

[Scooter9]

Saw my pdoc today - she's increasing Modafinil a little.

Modafinil I think has had a small positive effect during the month I've been on it. I went from being moderately or severely depressed for 20 days of the month in August to 15 days of September.

Might be a move in the right direction so maybe the increase will help. I hope to get to baseline someday soon.

[yellow_fleurs]

Today was pretty decent, although I am having back pain and really need to get to the doctor. Also feeling a little nervous about needing to get a breast US although my GYN thinks it unlikely that it is anything serious. Got prescribed birth control to possibly help stabilize my moods with my periods, but I am also scared to try that because of bad experiences in the past with my moods.
I am going to see my psychiatrist in 2 day and I am kind of excited that I will be in a good mood for once and feeling well mentally. I was in a "good" mood once when I saw him on the lamotrigine, but also super irritable and feeling impulsive and unstable so it wasn't really my baseline. I think it will be good to be able to talk to him while doing well so he kind of knows what we should be aiming for haha. Too bad I will probably be doing awful again in like 10 days, but at least this is a break.

[Moose72]

My freaking daughter wont sign the paperwork!!!!!!! Says she wants to move out but she has no concrete plans.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Yesterday, I had really bad chest pain and a stomach bug. Today, I’m exhausted and achy from that but emotionally ok and hope to go to the movies with friends if I can get my body to move. The latter is great! The plan might just be working.

I am concerned about the chest pain. I almost called 911 several times but decided I was being silly. This was something different from panic attacks. I think I’ll get it checked out after I get my cast off tomorrow. Yay!!! One more day!!!

Best wishes to all on this Tuesday.

Oh no!

Please be careful. Don't hesitate to go to the ER.

Hope you have fun tonight.


WC