[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

My eating disorder is back. I’m drinking solely water and eating a very small meal. I’m depressed and hoping I make it to my husband’s birthday. I wouldn’t want to ruin that. He’s depressed too. He’s thinking of dropping out of school again. Our car died today there’s no fixing it. So we have no car for the foreseeable future. Lucky there’s public transportation. However my son’s classes are at night So I don’t know what we’ll do. My son has huge open wounds because of his picking. There each the size of a cigarette burn and it’s all over his face, his arms, his legs, his back just everywhere and he’s bleeding all over the place. I’m at a loss of how to help him. I recently went up to 200mg of lamictal. Hopefully it’ll help me. I do recognize my family needs me even if it’s just financially. I’m in a dark place with no help out. I may end up IP and I don’t really care if I do.

So sorry. I am getting out of that state just now, still working on it. Luckily, H doesn’t have those issues though I think he is situationally depressed and anxious due to our financial problems and tons of stress right now. But if you have reverted that far into ED habits, I think you need to get help ASAP. Maybe even going IP? It sounds to me you need IP now, and should start getting it set up through your pdoc. Surely if there is no public transportation, you might know someone who would give you a ride to IP?

Hang in there The ED has been the toughest of my mental struggles. My first recovery from anorexia is still the hardest thing I have done in my life.

If the 200 mg Lamictal doesn’t work, would your pdoc raise it? I take 400 mg, 200 in the morning, 200 at night, and I am pretty small for being an adult. Don’t remember how long it took to notice a difference though.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by TheSeaCat

Hi Moose, I'm not so sure about the heart pounding but the achey limbs, sleeping all day, and the exhaustion sound very much like depression. I hope you get to feeling better.

I agree with the above. The heart pounding though sounds like anxiety or even panic.

[Blueberrybook]

I have been so,so tired all day. Can just 25 mg Trazodone do this? I am sore all over, which I think is the fibromyalgia, definitely need to talk to the rheumatologist about the fibromyalgia meds next month. Guess the exhaustion could just as well be fibromyalgia as easily as depression. Multiple diagnoses suck so much. But God, I hurt so bad all day and still do. The gabapentin is not helping. Prior to the ulcer stuff, I took fibromyalgia meds that tended to be NSAIDS, and I cannot now, limiting the choices I have there.

Sigh...I thought I might be heading towards depression but think unfortunately I am still mixed. I hate being mixed so much.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I have been so,so tired all day. Can just 25 mg Trazodone do this? I am sore all over, which I think is the fibromyalgia, definitely need to talk to the rheumatologist about the fibromyalgia meds next month. Guess the exhaustion could just as well be fibromyalgia as easily as depression. Multiple diagnoses suck so much. But God, I hurt so bad all day and still do. The gabapentin is not helping. Prior to the ulcer stuff, I took fibromyalgia meds that tended to be NSAIDS, and I cannot now, limiting the choices I have there.

Sigh...I thought I might be heading towards depression but think unfortunately I am still mixed. I hate being mixed so much.

I’m sorry you are in pain. It’s got to be really tough handling multiple diagnoses. I hope you feel better soon.

[yellow_fleurs]

Got a cubicle mate who is really nice and I think I will enjoy having her there. I am glad for the social interactions at my work and the stability it is providing me. I have my appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist so trying to prepare to make the most of it. I am usually so spaced out and caught up in my mood they might be surprised by how organized I can be haha. I also plan to ask my psychiatrist directly if they have updated my diagnoses or not or have any other suspicions. They keep mentioning bipolar without actually saying I have an official diagnosis of BP2 or anything. And my GYN is convinced I have PMDD as it's own diagnosis, not just an exacerbation of my mood disorder. So, just hoping to get some clarification.

Possible trigger:

Also, no suicidal or self harm thoughts for days! Usually they have just been quieter, now I have no desire to harm myself. Thank goodness! Put this in a TW just in case but really it is good news

[Victoria'smom]

Maybe even going IP? It sounds to me you need IP now, and should start getting it set up through your pdoc. Surely if there is no public transportation, you might know someone who would give you a ride to IP?

I'm thinking real hard about IP but I don't think I can do that with this mess we're dealing with. I think my son's stress from me being away caused his "picking" to be worse. I'm still functional and just have to give the lamictal time. I don't see my pdoc for another 2+ months so we'll see. I just have to keep trying and pushing my expiration day back. Reminding myself Miguel would be so much worse without me around. If everything goes to hell when I leave for a week and I can't go IP because of them they wouldn't survive if I was gone. Besides I like my medication. I actually take it.

Today I ate better even had a glass of choc. milk. I'm between feeling stuck and not caring.

[Pookyl]

Woke up half an hour ago at 10am. This extra Seroquel that I’m taking is really zonking me out.

[Unrigged64072835]

Hi--I'm doing okay for the moment.

We bought a new range and was supposed to get it today. Lowe's did not have it. Our HOA decided to schedule repaving the whole complex this entire week and didn't tell anyone until Monday when they were taking up the old asphalt. No street parking until next week, so no range delivery either. My husband is getting a CT scan tomorrow afternoon, then will try to fit the new stove in our SUV afterwards. He thinks he can do it.

The installer has started installing our new shower door but started another project much further away so don't know when he'll finish it--that is if he puts the door on the right way. I just hope it's done before we go camping in 1 ½ weeks.

Like I said, I'm okay...but the hits keep on coming.

Love and hugs to you all.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm thinking real hard about IP but I don't think I can do that with this mess we're dealing with. I think my son's stress from me being away caused his "picking" to be worse. I'm still functional and just have to give the lamictal time. I don't see my pdoc for another 2+ months so we'll see. I just have to keep trying and pushing my expiration day back. Reminding myself Miguel would be so much worse without me around. If everything goes to hell when I leave for a week and I can't go IP because of them they wouldn't survive if I was gone. Besides I like my medication. I actually take it.

Today I ate better even had a glass of choc. milk. I'm between feeling stuck and not caring.

If you are considering IP, I think you should do it, despite your son's picking issue and your H's birthday and MI. He won't have much to celebrate if you have to go to the ER, if your electrolytes crash, or your heart. Don't know about you, but the ED was very hard on my heart, and that was when I was 19, 20 years old. Your family can and will survive on their own. Is there no way to see your pdoc sooner? That seems like a long wait when you are not doing well. But if you get sicker, it will take longer to recover, affecting your family even more negatively. All you need is to pass out somewhere or something.

Even the not caring is concerning. You say you don't care but then you do about your family. If you want to care for & be there for your family, you have to care for yourself too, even if it means IP.

[xRavenx]

I had a bad morning. Had some really self-destructive thoughts (I don't want to trigger anyone). Basically, a lot of anger, self-hatred, thought a lot about my regrets and past mistakes. The anger and sadness were so intense, and I almost had a panic attack while driving or some kind of a meltdown.

Mid day, I thought things were a little better, but a few things happened at work, and the clonazepam that I took no longer worked. I talked to a friend and calmed down a little bit, but then found out from my mom that my grandma is in the hospital, who I am very close to. It's been a rollercoaster of a day, and the self-defeating thoughts and anger directed towards myself is all still there. However, I'm going to have hope that maybe tomorrow will be a little bit better? It doesn't seem like it though.

Hugs to all who need them.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I had a bad morning. Had some really self-destructive thoughts (I don't want to trigger anyone). Basically, a lot of anger, self-hatred, thought a lot about my regrets and past mistakes. The anger and sadness were so intense, and I almost had a panic attack while driving or some kind of a meltdown.

Mid day, I thought things were a little better, but a few things happened at work, and the clonazepam that I took no longer worked. I talked to a friend and calmed down a little bit, but then found out from my mom that my grandma is in the hospital, who I am very close to. It's been a rollercoaster of a day, and the self-defeating thoughts and anger directed towards myself is all still there. However, I'm going to have hope that maybe tomorrow will be a little bit better? It doesn't seem like it though.

Hugs to all who need them.

Those types of days are the worst. Try to be kind to yourself--maybe some extra self care even if it feels counter-intuitive. When feeling self hatred is probably when we need it the most.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm having a lot of anxiety the last week or two. My sleep is messed up and I think I'm fighting some depression. I need to start my SAD lamp.

I am supposed to cut my klonopin dose a bit on Sunday. I'm nervous about this, partly because I'm going into it anxious (for no reason that is enough to stop my attempt at tapering) and partly because I am concerned how my body will react to the change if I'm already fighting anxiety to start with. Last time we tried to cut my klonopin dose I lasted 2 weeks but my pdoc told me to stop a week before I did. I have PRN gabapentin and it helps but I'm just unreasonably anxious about the whole thing. I felt confident the first time I tried and much less so this time. (In the past I've dropped benzos without consequences and stayed off for a while before circumstances put me back on.

Tomorrow my cat starts his allergy-proof food. I really hope this works for the price. The cat is the source of most anxiety. How can a 1 year old cat who has been taken care of with good quality foods, attention, etc. be in such a position? It's sad.

Hope others are having a calmer evening.

BP-wise, fine. But my BDD got particularly triggered this afternoon and has been consuming me. I hate it so much. Hate myself so much. All I want is to be normal. It seems utterly intractable. Decades and it's actually worse. Doesn't seem to matter what I do. Been on the edge of tears it overwhelms me so much.
Heavy defeated sigh.

Did I mention that chaos is order yet undeciphered?

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm having a lot of anxiety the last week or two. My sleep is messed up and I think I'm fighting some depression. I need to start my SAD lamp.

I am supposed to cut my klonopin dose a bit on Sunday. I'm nervous about this, partly because I'm going into it anxious (for no reason that is enough to stop my attempt at tapering) and partly because I am concerned how my body will react to the change if I'm already fighting anxiety to start with. Last time we tried to cut my klonopin dose I lasted 2 weeks but my pdoc told me to stop a week before I did. I have PRN gabapentin and it helps but I'm just unreasonably anxious about the whole thing. I felt confident the first time I tried and much less so this time. (In the past I've dropped benzos without consequences and stayed off for a while before circumstances put me back on.

Tomorrow my cat starts his allergy-proof food. I really hope this works for the price. The cat is the source of most anxiety. How can a 1 year old cat who has been taken care of with good quality foods, attention, etc. be in such a position? It's sad.

Hope others are having a calmer evening.

It's time to start my SAD lamp, too. The days are getting short.

I have recently tapered of my klonopin. I have used gabapentin. I could not believe how easy it was. However, I have tapered off other benzos and have had a terrible time. (I am still on a night-time benzo: temazepam.)
Everyone is different.

It was very helpful that my pdoc was very flexible when tapering klonopin and I knew I could go back up on a dose if tapering caused too many difficulties.

I hope the taper goes well for you.

I am very sorry your cat has been "ill." I think it's amazing your vets have figured out what's wrong and have an idea as to what your cat needs. I am also sorry about the expenses. You are a wonderful guardian to your pets. I am very impressed!

When do you start your taper?

Thinking of you.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

BP-wise, fine. But my BDD got particularly triggered this afternoon and has been consuming me. I hate it so much. Hate myself so much. All I want is to be normal. It seems utterly intractable. Decades and it's actually worse. Doesn't seem to matter what I do. Been on the edge of tears it overwhelms me so much.
Heavy defeated sigh.

I am so very sorry.
You have been through a lot lately.

Thinking of you.

WC

BeyondtheRainbow, I hope your kitty's food works out and the benzo reduction doesn't exacerbate your anxiety. I had to recently go back on a little Ativan after two weeks off of it, and yet years ago when I had been on a much higher dose, a small reduction oddly seemed to improve my overall situation.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Hi--I'm doing okay for the moment.

We bought a new range and was supposed to get it today. Lowe's did not have it. Our HOA decided to schedule repaving the whole complex this entire week and didn't tell anyone until Monday when they were taking up the old asphalt. No street parking until next week, so no range delivery either. My husband is getting a CT scan tomorrow afternoon, then will try to fit the new stove in our SUV afterwards. He thinks he can do it.

The installer has started installing our new shower door but started another project much further away so don't know when he'll finish it--that is if he puts the door on the right way. I just hope it's done before we go camping in 1 ½ weeks.

Like I said, I'm okay...but the hits keep on coming.

Love and hugs to you all.

Wow! Lots of trials!

I hope your husband's CT scan is okay or somehow helps.
Good luck with the new stove and the shower door!


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Have been awake since 1 a.m. I am jacked up on asthma meds. The virus has totally irritated airways, so asthma meds are needed to calm things down.

It's been raining most of the night and is expected to rain all day. We might go to a movie.

The weather -- it is October -- is exacerbating my Psoriatic Arthritis. My feet are screaming! Happens every October.

I hope everyone has a good day!
Love to All!

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Have been awake since 1 a.m. I am jacked up on asthma meds. The virus has totally irritated airways, so asthma meds are needed to calm things down.

It's been raining most of the night and is expected to rain all day. We might go to a movie.

The weather -- it is October -- is exacerbating my Psoriatic Arthritis. My feet are screaming! Happens every October.

I hope everyone has a good day!
Love to All!

Awwww, no fair this should all pile on! Now where's my magic wand to shoo it all away? (You know I would if I could!) Hope things ease soon.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Awwww, no fair this should all pile on! Now where's my magic wand to shoo it all away? (You know I would if I could!) Hope things ease soon.

Thanks, you are so sweet!

I've been hoping to read a review of the recent concert.

I have seen mostly local performances this summer.

Thanks again!

Since my psychiatrist lowered my Seroquel XR, my hypersomnia has eased. I'm now getting the normal eight to nine hours of sleep. I also feel my mood is starting to lift a little bit.

Hubby will be home this weekend, but we will be repairing our deck. It will be a lot of work. My brother is supposed to help us, but he has yet to call me to say which day he can come. I'll have to call him tomorrow if I don't hear from him today. I don't want him to forget about it.

Last weekend my dad called and said he wanted to visit me for a couple of hours this week. I told him to call me early in the week to let me know when to expect him. Well, it's Thursday and I'm yet to hear from him, as well. Last night I confess I got angry (there's been a lot of anger towards him for a while for justifiable reasons) and left a message sort of scolding him. Maybe he won't call back. Too bad! He seems to think his cafe and bar buddies, and new girlfriend are more important than his children and remaining grandson. I've gone to Al-Anon a few times, but never in consecutive weeks. They pretty much suggest I stop wishing for his behavior to change. My psychiatrist says the same. Pretty much it's like accepting a sort of death.

[Blueberrybook]

The morning has gotten cooler here; I love it. The 25 mg trazodone worked again, but I am still very tired.

I went on a walk but an actual normal length/time walk of 45 minutes.

I am hurting a lot from fibro, and (not from fibro) a bit along my ulcer scar which is a good 4-5" long, which is a little concerning. I was going to vacuum today, but I will wait until tomorrow.

I am going to soak in an Epsom salt bath and then maybe infuse one of my essential oils for relaxation or stress and try to finish the book I have been on the last 50 pages of for awhile now. It is harder to read, the pages and paragraphs are long...ironic since I write long posts.

Maybe look for simple, cheap craft ideas on Pinterest and start writing down ideas of things my daughter wants to do with me.

I am so relieved my daughter just doesn't want to shut me out. When she was receptive, I told her I want to spend more time with her, just doing things the 2 of us. She seemed to be happy about this idea, so my new goal is to keep my end as promised.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I agree with the above. The heart pounding though sounds like anxiety or even panic.

Thanks to both of you. Its no wonder. Im at my case manager's to go over this paperwork. Ill mention this although pdoc just raised my wellbutrin.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Since my psychiatrist lowered my Seroquel XR, my hypersomnia has eased. I'm now getting the normal eight to nine hours of sleep. I also feel my mood is starting to lift a little bit.

Hubby will be home this weekend, but we will be repairing our deck. It will be a lot of work. My brother is supposed to help us, but he has yet to call me to say which day he can come. I'll have to call him tomorrow if I don't hear from him today. I don't want him to forget about it.

Last weekend my dad called and said he wanted to visit me for a couple of hours this week. I told him to call me early in the week to let me know when to expect him. Well, it's Thursday and I'm yet to hear from him, as well. Last night I confess I got angry (there's been a lot of anger towards him for a while for justifiable reasons) and left a message sort of scolding him. Maybe he won't call back. Too bad! He seems to think his cafe and bar buddies, and new girlfriend are more important than his children and remaining grandson. I've gone to Al-Anon a few times, but never in consecutive weeks. They pretty much suggest I stop wishing for his behavior to change. My psychiatrist says the same. Pretty much it's like accepting a sort of death.

I am glad you are sleeping better.

I understand at least some of how you feel. I had spent years in Alanon. It's not easy to give up hoping some people in our lives will change. I have had to do this with several people. I am deeply saddened by their choices and their priorities; yet, their choices seem to be their preferences. They seem more happy than not. Sometimes I think I know better than they do as to what will make their life happier; I truly do not know. I want them to "shape up" and to show they care. They don't want my perspectives, concerns and definitely not my advice.

Live and let live is one of the mottos. It can be a tough one to live by, especially when we care. It's very hard to let go sometimes. I had to learn it is possible to let go and still care about people

Father-daughter relationships are very important. It sounds like you want to see more of him? Maybe you two can firm up plans in the future? Would he be less apt to cancel that way?

I hope the deck repairs go smoothly.


WC