[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Still having a very rough time.

Constant debilitating panic attacks.

Saw pdoc and she put me back on clonazepam and gabapentin.

Can't eat. Can't sleep.


Love to All!



WC

((((((((((((( WC )))))))))))))

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by Wander

After two weeks of hypomania I’m heading down fast. My brain feels weird, like it’s been crushed in a vice. I’m irritable and confused, and so scared of a mixed state. My thoughts are odd and all over the place but I’m really down and want to hide. Going over my sisters house today to see her and her four kids. It’s going to be 39’C(over 100’F for you guys). It’s 7 am and I’m heading to the beach for a swim. Maybe that will clear my crazy mind.

These hot days are sending me up in the opposite direction. Beach swim sounds great.

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Still having a very rough time.
Constant debilitating panic attacks.
Saw pdoc and she put me back on clonazepam and gabapentin.
Can't eat. Can't sleep.

Love to All!

WC

Those are horrible. I take gabapentin for mine and it helps take the edge off. Do hope you can eat and sleep soon.

Lots of gentle, soothing love to you as well.

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Still having a very rough time.
Constant debilitating panic attacks.
Saw pdoc and she put me back on clonazepam and gabapentin.
Can't eat. Can't sleep.

Love to All!

WC

Thinking of you WC.

I remember gabapentin worked really well for my anxiety.

Just focus on one minute at a time if you must.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Still having a very rough time.
Constant debilitating panic attacks.
Saw pdoc and she put me back on clonazepam and gabapentin.
Can't eat. Can't sleep.

Love to All!

WC

I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you feel better soon. ((((((( Hugs )))))))

struggling a lot with anxiety today

depression and self distructive thoughts

[Blueberrybook]

I'm having a bit of a rough time. I'm on temporary insurance, and they want to me to jump through all sorts of hoops to fill my Adderall prescription, which will run out tomorrow. The pdoc, pdoc's staff, the pharmacy have all tried to help to no avail. Now it will be Tuesday before anything gets done since Monday is a holiday. I might have to try loaners from the pharmacy, though I am doubtful the pharmacist would give out Adderall loaners. They do know me there though and have my prescription history and so can see I will be out, maybe it will help and not make me look like a drug seeker. I know this is the first prescription I have the new insurance filling, and it is a controlled substance, but ARGH! that's the one I'm out of though I will soon run out of Lamictal, but I don't think I will have any issues filling that. I know there are drug seekers out there, but I just want my prescription so I can read, finish my book for the library book club meeting on the 28th. I can't even concentrate to watch shows on TV. It gets bad.

I'm exercising too much and not eating for it, but my weight is pretty stable, maybe it's the Seroquel, I don't know. I had part of a tooth break off at an old amalgam filling, but I won't have dental insurance until Feb. or March. I guess at least it doesn't hurt and is a back molar and not much broke off. I'm sure I'll have to get another crown. It's like repeating last year all over again. I got a crown in late Jan.; I remember the temporary crown was still in there when I had my ulcer surgery on Valentine's Day because the surgeon asked if I had anything in my body that could fall out or get misplaced during surgery, and I mentioned the temporary crown. I hate having bad teeth. Some of it is from the eating disorder, which caused me to start clenching tightly at night (half the time, I take out the nightguard in my sleep), the other just bad bacterial inheritance from my mom.

My birthday is tomorrow. I turn 41. I am getting so old. Today, we are having a surprise birthday party for my mom, who is turning 60 (birthday on Jan. 23). It's at my grandmother's house, about a 1.5 hr. drive. My daughter now gets super bored on this drive, which is not easy to deal with and tends to need the bathroom all the time when it is difficult to pull off the freeway. I am not looking forward to the trip though one of my sisters and my nieces will be there, and it will be good to see them. My other sister just had knee surgery, lives in the Dallas area, and just can't make that drive yet.

Sorry for the saga. Guess I had a lot to get out.

[beauflow]

I am doing ok.
I know I could write this some where else, but I've wrote there before and I don't really need a reply back.... but
I put on a patch yesterday-for stop smoking.. I am one of those that fit in the group of "you may quit a thousand times before your last time"... I worry but am going to try to stay positive. I already know from the past I may get more emotional for the next few weeks. But I am hoping since I am living alone I can use the coping skills that I've learned along the way.
I was doing well in last August but September I feel off the wagon.. and holidays I knew myself enough to just try to keep steady. I had been pretty good with not going back to a pack a day.
I quit for almost a year one time, then I started to get stressed out and started smoking again.
From that time I've quit for months or weeks... but always get to a point of "need a cig to calm down".
I remember one therapist, a bipolar specialist, mentioned the first five minutes after smoking a cig is like an antipsychotic, she had an article on it... I am going to try hard this time.
I will still have a vape, but even with just the vape - it's not enough for me. The patches helped me in the times where I quit months or weeks, ...
I know exercise will help just getting back to it

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Still having a very rough time.
Constant debilitating panic attacks.
Saw pdoc and she put me back on clonazepam and gabapentin.
Can't eat. Can't sleep.

Love to All!

WC

Awwww, sweetie!! I'm so sorry this is happening. Oh for a magic wand. Hope everything settles down soon!

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I've spent the last 3 (it feels like so many more) days preparing for my father's death. We are waiting for his do not resuscitate order to come through from the state's guardian and then they will remove life support. It should happen mid-late next week.

I've been trying to make arrangements to donate his body. The medical school couldn't take him because of some of the tubes he has so they referred me to another place. It took my siblings until tonight to decide on this place so I haven't called them yet. Hopefully they take Saturday calls.

I've spent a lot of time going back and forth between my siblings who don't speak to each other. I feel like I'm doing everything twice. Sometimes I need to involve my younger brother's mother and then it is 3 times. But I need to know everything is as done as possible so that I can relax. The first night I didn't sleep. Last night I fell asleep with my glasses on and slept so hard they bruised my face where they pressed into my forehead.

I need to feel like I'm doing things though so it helps me to feel like I'm in control. So far I can't cry. I know that will come but right now I need to stay focused on what is happening and I'm not ready to grieve yet. I'm ready to say my good-byes but that is the next step and I'm not ready to think of the one after that. We were going to see him tomorrow but the snow storm delayed that so we're going Wednesday. Unless they are removing life support that day. I don't want to be there for that. The social worker thinks he'll not live long without it and I don't want to have that be my last memory.

Next I have to find a way to convince my brother that we are not going to my father's house. Apparently it is in horrible shape with nothing salvageable but he won't believe the social worker about this. I do and I don't want to go to the house. I don't even have an address so that makes it pretty hard to go and it would add 2 hours to a 12 hour drive (plus time in the hospital) just to get there. And I don't want to see. So I'm hoping the guardian will send me the pictures he took so I can send those to my brother. Not sure how to handle that. My brother has Asperger's so sometimes he fixates on things and this is one of them. Maybe my mom can help.

I don't know. I can't believe this is happening; a week ago I had no clue I'd know a lot about donating bodies to science by tonight. Or that I'd have called a bunch of funeral homes or have partially written an obituary.

I don't know what to feel. This is so weird.

My heart goes out to you, BeyondtheRainbow. What a difficult situation. I hope things go as smoothly as possible. What a nuisance that your siblings won't speak to each other. I totally understand your not wanting to see his house (my mother is a hoarder and I told my sister I'd try to help when the time came, but I really, really don't want to deal with any of her mess. We don't speak and haven't for years.)

Extra hugs. I hope you can get some better sleep.

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

My heart goes out to you, BeyondtheRainbow. What a difficult situation. I hope things go as smoothly as possible. What a nuisance that your siblings won't speak to each other. I totally understand your not wanting to see his house (my mother is a hoarder and I told my sister I'd try to help when the time came, but I really, really don't want to deal with any of her mess. We don't speak and haven't for years.)

Extra hugs. I hope you can get some better sleep.

Yeah, BeyondtheRainbow, I understand where you're coming from. When my dad died in November there was so much to take care of. I guess you'd say he was a hoarder as there was only a narrow path through the junk piled up in his place. Fortunately, my sis and I were on the same page. We got a large dumpster and tossed the vast majority of it.

Innerzone, a simple solution like that might also make it easier to interact with your sister when you need to. Of course, for both of you I hope it's not soon.

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Innerzone, a simple solution like that might also make it easier to interact with your sister when you need to. Of course, for both of you I hope it's not soon.

Ooops, guess I wasn't very clear there.... it's my mother I have no contact with. My sister and I get along great. And my sister's thought ahead and we'll probably do a dumpster too. She said they are surprisingly expensive. As far as time, I truly don't care. (There is one thing I sometimes fantasize about blasting my mother about, but other than venting my spleen on that particular issue, I basically refuse to waste time thinking about her. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but she did a lot of damage, won't own a single iota of it and doesn't deserve the energy.)

Guess I'll check in before my shower. (Procrastination? Why, yes! )

Went to a concert last night, meeting up with some people from one of my MeetUp groups. It was fun. Another event (different group, that I've never attended) on Monday(!) Glad for the activities. Good to stay busy. Mind's still messing with me in missing ex-BF, which is pretty messed up. Had a couple of voicemails earlier in the week (he apparently got permission to use a phone). I didn't respond. Still, didn't stop me from thinking. That is so messed up!! So... working hard to counter remembering the few good bits by remembering all the horrible. And trying to remember that the good were very likely an illusion anyway. (Play nice to manipulate kind of thing.)

Got a preliminary dx on my foot and got referred to a specialist.

Job search sluggish. That's not unusual. I'm not exactly chock-full of marketable skills.

Well, off to the shower!

[Nammu]

Got about 8-9 inches of the white stuff, but today is sunshiny and cold. We do have someone come and plow the driveway but the road plow went past after that and left a huge hump on the end of the drive way. With my back I can't do much. It took three different times of going out there to clear it away but it got done! Feel like I climb a mountain getting that done. Thank goodness we got the fluffy snow I don't know what I would have done had it beet the heavy wet snow. But hey! I feel accomplished. Something that would probably take 5-10 minutes for a physically abled person took me four times that but yeah, I did it! Now where did I put the aspirins?

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Got about 8-9 inches of the white stuff, but today is sunshiny and cold. We do have someone come and plow the driveway but the road plow went past after that and left a huge hump on the end of the drive way. With my back I can't do much. It took three different times of going out there to clear it away but it got done! Feel like I climb a mountain getting that done. Thank goodness we got the fluffy snow I don't know what I would have done had it beet the heavy wet snow. But hey! I feel accomplished. Something that would probably take 5-10 minutes for a physically abled person took me four times that but yeah, I did it! Now where did I put the aspirins?

We’ve only had rain so far here. Rather disappointing. But the silver lining is I didn’t shovel—I was preparing my taxes instead.

[Wander]

Woke up feeling very low. Went for a early morning swim at 6 am and now, 7.15 am, I feel much better. The power of the amazing ocean. It is going to be very hot again so I will hide inside and maybe even clean my flat. I was so depressed the last few days after coming out of two weeks of hypomania so I’m hoping this cheerful mood will last and not go up of down. Stability would be nice for a change. It’s been nearly 5 months since I was stable.

[Daonnachd]

Wander, I'm glad the ocean gave you a lift.
I still feel so bad I can't talk openly about it. My T wrote me back to say rather than canceling my appointment, let's move it up to Monday morning. So I was in correspondence with her but afraid to share thoughts and feelings lest she call the police for a wellness check. I'm hanging on.

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Wander, I'm glad the ocean gave you a lift.
I still feel so bad I can't talk openly about it. My T wrote me back to say rather than canceling my appointment, let's move it up to Monday morning. So I was in correspondence with her but afraid to share thoughts and feelings lest she call the police for a wellness check. I'm hanging on.

You're in my thoughts, Daonnachd. Hold tight.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Wander, I'm glad the ocean gave you a lift.
I still feel so bad I can't talk openly about it. My T wrote me back to say rather than canceling my appointment, let's move it up to Monday morning. So I was in correspondence with her but afraid to share thoughts and feelings lest she call the police for a wellness check. I'm hanging on.

Keep on hanging in there. Be honest with your T. Maybe she/he won’t put you in hospital but instead offer extra support through this time. Keep us up to date on how you are going. Take care.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Today has been harder, I think because there was less I could do. I found a place that will accept the donation of my father's body if they can find a funeral home that will work with them. They are supposed to get back to me today but I'm beginning to think that won't happen. A telemarketer keeps making me jump for the phone and then they hang up after one ring. No funny.

Then all my siblings have to give consent, which includes my 22 year old half-brother who has no memory of even meeting our father. I hope he is ok with this because it is the arrangement the rest of us feel best about. He doesn't want to be involved and the easiest way to do that is to sign the form so I hope he sees it that way. I'm really anxious about that though.

Anxiety has been high all day. I took a PRN dose of gabapentin but it's only 100 mg and it only made me tired but not less anxious. My pdoc said she's up the dose of my PRN but didn't get back to me before the weekend so I'm trying to stick to just the 200 mg I'm allowed, although if I have to I'll take more as I'm pretty sure she won't care.

I think I'm getting through this by doing things and I'm running out of things to do. At least Monday I can call the social worker again and I also finally see my therapist that day. I need to talk to him. I'm holding things together too well. I still haven't cried or even felt sad for more than a few minutes because I don't want to.

It still doesn't feel real. I haven't seen him in 20 years; how could it? But real it is. I need to get used to that.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Yeah, BeyondtheRainbow, I understand where you're coming from. When my dad died in November there was so much to take care of. I guess you'd say he was a hoarder as there was only a narrow path through the junk piled up in his place. Fortunately, my sis and I were on the same page. We got a large dumpster and tossed the vast majority of it.

Innerzone, a simple solution like that might also make it easier to interact with your sister when you need to. Of course, for both of you I hope it's not soon.

I don't think we're going to claim his stuff. My brother might choose to but I'm leaving that one totally up to him. I want nothing to do with it.

I asked the guardian if he was a hoarder and he said no but it was just trash with broken furniture, evidence of animals living there (wildlife), filthy walls, floors ready to give out, etc. He suggested letting the landlord deal with it. I don't like leaving someone else the mess but it's not my mess. The landlord will at least have insurance to cover it all and the guardian said nothing is in condition to be saved.

I think I can cope to a point but that's the point. I haven't seen him in 20 years; nothing in there is going to have anything to do with me. Now to convince my brother....

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by beauflow

I am doing ok.

I know I could write this some where else, but I've wrote there before and I don't really need a reply back.... but

I put on a patch yesterday-for stop smoking.. I am one of those that fit in the group of "you may quit a thousand times before your last time"... I worry but am going to try to stay positive. I already know from the past I may get more emotional for the next few weeks. But I am hoping since I am living alone I can use the coping skills that I've learned along the way.

I was doing well in last August but September I feel off the wagon.. and holidays I knew myself enough to just try to keep steady. I had been pretty good with not going back to a pack a day.

I quit for almost a year one time, then I started to get stressed out and started smoking again.

From that time I've quit for months or weeks... but always get to a point of "need a cig to calm down".

I remember one therapist, a bipolar specialist, mentioned the first five minutes after smoking a cig is like an antipsychotic, she had an article on it... I am going to try hard this time.

I will still have a vape, but even with just the vape - it's not enough for me. The patches helped me in the times where I quit months or weeks, ...

I know exercise will help just getting back to it

If the patch doesn’t work, try Chanix , you smoke the first week you take it , by day 3 I gagged down a cigarette and that was the end of them, I stayed on it for almost a month and have never craved another one

I am one of the worst hypocrite non smokers ever , I can’t believe I use to smell so terrible , if I walk past someone smoking I literally hold my breath. Disgusts me. Told you I’m a bad hypocrite lol

I swear by Chanix, I just took half the prescribed dose.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Guess I'll check in before my shower. (Procrastination? Why, yes! )


Went to a concert last night, meeting up with some people from one of my MeetUp groups. It was fun. Another event (different group, that I've never attended) on Monday(!) Glad for the activities. Good to stay busy. Mind's still messing with me in missing ex-BF, which is pretty messed up. Had a couple of voicemails earlier in the week (he apparently got permission to use a phone). I didn't respond. Still, didn't stop me from thinking. That is so messed up!! So... working hard to counter remembering the few good bits by remembering all the horrible. And trying to remember that the good were very likely an illusion anyway. (Play nice to manipulate kind of thing.)


Got a preliminary dx on my foot and got referred to a specialist.


Job search sluggish. That's not unusual. I'm not exactly chock-full of marketable skills.


Well, off to the shower!

Sounds like a fun life !!!!!! Enjoy it all you deserve it

Hope your foot trouble turns out to be a easy fix.

Glad your avoiding the phone , no need for that crap !!

I wish there were meet ups where I live. I’d love a book club but alas I live in bfe and cows don’t like to read lol

Maybe a perfect job is just around the corner for you ( fingers crossed)

Hugs !!!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Got about 8-9 inches of the white stuff, but today is sunshiny and cold. We do have someone come and plow the driveway but the road plow went past after that and left a huge hump on the end of the drive way. With my back I can't do much. It took three different times of going out there to clear it away but it got done! Feel like I climb a mountain getting that done. Thank goodness we got the fluffy snow I don't know what I would have done had it beet the heavy wet snow. But hey! I feel accomplished. Something that would probably take 5-10 minutes for a physically abled person took me four times that but yeah, I did it! Now where did I put the aspirins?

My winters are mostly rain and freezing temp.

I can’t imagine having to shovel snow. I don’t think I could do it to be honest. Glad you were able to manage it. Taking your time was the smartest way to go.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wander

Woke up feeling very low. Went for a early morning swim at 6 am and now, 7.15 am, I feel much better. The power of the amazing ocean. It is going to be very hot again so I will hide inside and maybe even clean my flat. I was so depressed the last few days after coming out of two weeks of hypomania so I’m hoping this cheerful mood will last and not go up of down. Stability would be nice for a change. It’s been nearly 5 months since I was stable.

Ohhhh a swim sounds wonderful.

Here’s hoping you find stability very soon