Bipolar check in #37

Thank you, Scooter9! I am sure she will be extra lame in the morning. I hope that will be the most of it, for her sake. Thanks again!

Congrats on the showers. Do you attribute the increase to anything specific?

Any chance the Wellbutrin is kicking in?

I hope you get the rest you are looking forward to!

I love humor. For no reason I can't think of I thought of Dave Barry tonight and Googled new books, yup two of them this year. He's got a book on age ing happily, lessons he learned from his dog, Lessons with Lucy. Got two of his books on my library list now. Looking forward to laugh out loud fun. He should pay me to read his books in public cause I do laugh out loud and everybody wants to know what I'm reading.

I had a big day. I've been dogsitting while my mom was helping a friend in the hospital (more on that to come unfortunately). I got her house cleaned up, changed sheets for her to have clean when she got home, took care of the dogs and my cats, got a haircut (after a year of wearing it long and braided despite loving my hair long and allowed to curl wildly), deposited some money in the bank (always good), got my new glasses and figured out how to not feel the reading part of the progressive lenses (my first) were blurry and weird, went to the store and walked the dogs around the yard. I'm LOVING seeing clearly for the first time in a long while. I'd been having to remove my glasses and hold things away to focus on them so this was definitely time.

Now I'm trying to calm down despite not having had my usual calm evening to help. I also stupidly closed up the windows because it was very hot and humid and then I forgot to turn the AC on for 4 hours. I just noticed when I went to lower the temperature because I was too hot and thought I must have it set up high. Nope, I'd just let it get really hot with no breeze or anything. Oops.

My therapist used to prescribe Dave Berry when I was depressed. He's really funny.

I am going to look him up!
Thanks for sharing!

My boyfriend is visiting from out of town. It's been nice having him around to spend time with. We went to an improv show tonight.

I got really overwhelmed in a sensory sense at this one loud place we got dinner. I am really having a hard time with sensory sensitivity (light, noise, touch) and I am not sure what to do about it. It seems to go beyond just something that happens due to anxiety, and it actually feels mentally painful at time. I feel scared almost too.

Sending compassion to everyone

I forgot to take my evening meds until 12:15 am. Usually, I always take them at 7 pm. The predictable is the case. I'm wide awake at 2 am. I may just take an Ativan to get me to sleep. I may suffer the consequences with a Seroquel XR hangover later in the morning, something I never otherwise have when I remember my meds at the right time.

Nowadays, Seroquel XR "hangovers" don't make me feel tired as much as have a headache for part of the day. That's a bummer because I have already been having sinus headaches. The pain usually isn't as bad as the upset stomach.

Yellow fleurs, Have you tried a weighted blanket? I've had mine since long before they were trendy (I knew about them because they came from OTs and I'm an OT with training in that aspect of it). It helps calm down all that sensory overload and helps you relax and feel better. When I've been somewhere that is too much I crawl under my weighted blanket and after a while I can be myself again. They are so important to me that I have my usual one (22 lbs), a travel one (10 lbs) and a wrap thing that I think is 8 lbs. The recommended weight is 10% of your body weight up to about 22 lbs. I'm sure that's advertised differently but that was what I was taught in school and I'm sticking to it .

I fell asleep and when I woke I thought I'd actually been sound asleep for a few hours. It had been 20 minutes and I'm now wide awake again. I took 200 mg of my gabapentin PRN and I think I'm going to have to take 200 mg more. I have to be able to get out tomorrow; I need to go to Walmart which is located as from my house as you can get and still be in the same region (I live way outside of town and it is diagonally opposite on the other edge of town). I'm surprised I'm not just sleeping after not sleeping in my own bed the last 3 nights. I missed my memory foam.

But I think I"m still hypo and that's not helping things. Plus I have 2 big stressful things. One I can't say yet and the other is that I committed to 3 weeks of classes at my new church to learn how they do small groups and eventually become a small group. It's a big step for me but I promised my therapist I'd try a small group and this class is needed so I guess I'm taking it. I'll at least meet some people for real which is good.

This morning I spent a couple of hours at my sisters house. It was great. My 11 year old niece and 13 year old nephew were much chattier than normal so I got to spend time with them. I’m still exhausted though. It is so debilitating at times.

With a reduction in Lithium over the last few weeks I have been amazed at how deeply, and passionately I feel both emotionally and through my five senses. It had dulled me. Still a long way to go before I’ve stopped Lithium so it will be interesting to see how I am then.

My laptop keyboard needs to be replaced, but fortunately, there is a free replacement program with Apple because their MacBooks from 2016 and 2017 had flawed keyboard designs. Otherwise, it would have been $480 to replace it!! All because one of my keys snapped off. I get it back Sunday.

Also bought a movie that's coming in the mail today w/ amazon same-day shipping, so that should be nice to watch w/ my parents.

Anyway, doing pretty okay this morning and had a pretty okay day yesterday. I think my rexulti has finally kicked in.

Not going to do much the whole day, except just hang around my parents' place. At least it'll be relaxing. Might watch Endgame since I haven't watched it yet. I just dislike how it is soooo long. I have a hard time sitting in place for long movies. I may need a break mid movie.

Is it wonderful you are feeling better. You were able to ride this last wave using your own good sense of how to cope. I'm so glad you were able to stay safe and that things are turning around for you.

Enjoy the day with your parents. It sounds like you'll have a relaxing and enjoyable time which is much deserved.

I actually woke up this morning in a decent mood...until my kids started screaming. I have 2 and a half year old twins their screaming triggers my PTSD really badly. It could ruin my entire day instantly. It's bad enough to be a parent who is bipolar but with PTSD added, I sometimes think that maybe I went down the wrong path in life. I love my kids but i have to wear headphones on my ears or at the ready around my neck almost all day. My wife doesn't get my reaction either and why I get so upset amd angry when they scream, it'w causing issues in our marriage to be honest.

I guess I just have to survivr a couple more years until they stop this high, shrill screaming.

Thanks. I had reached out to the crisis textline and talked with my therapist, and both of them helped me feel a little better.

I'm still not 100%, but it's a work in progress, I guess. But these things take time, so I am optimistic that my mood will further improve within the coming weeks.

I am majorly behind at work, though, so I am stressed about that. If my boss knew that I wasn't doing my job, I would likely be fired. Ugh. So I have no choice but to catch up on work at some point, by putting in extra hours.

I had to do something about the showers because I was down to 1 or 2 a week. It took a long time to get back to 6.

Wellbutrin reduced my body pains from the depression so I guess it helped a little.

I think I've gotten as far as things are going to go with wellbutrin so the next thing is Mirapex. I think I'll start it some time next week.

I had a hard time when my son was young because he was so needy. I must be the only parent alive who doesn’t want to go back to when he was little! Now that he’s almost nine it’s a lot better. He can get his own snacks, entertain himself, etc. I can’t imagine having twin toddlers! That must be so hard, even without BP and PTSD. I commend you for finding ways to cope!

Thank you for mentioning not wanting to go back to when he was little. Everyone tells me "you'll miss when they are this age" but I know I won't. I think it will be better for me qhen they are a little older and a little more independant. I think some people look back at infant and toddler stage with rosw colores glasses. Or maybe its just because I have twins but this age isn't enjoyable for me. Neither was infant when both my wife and I were up every 3 hours to feed, not really able to take shifts since there were 2.

Everyone also told me I'd miss High School. they were wrong, I despised High School and the memories of it. I do miss college though, mostly because I was manic without knowing I was bipolar, felt amazing and I had plenty of disposable income from my job at the time so I never got into financial trouble.

Oh how I can relate! Loud noises set me off, too. It can take hours to recover and much longer if it repeats. In general, people do not understand.

My pdoc helped me with an example to share with people: Tell them how abused animals (often Greyhounds from race tracks) have to have quiet environments and are very startled if there is unexpected and/or loud noises introduced into their environments. For some reason, people tend to understand what animals might go through. This approach may or may not help?

If someone slams a door, slams anything, I am toast for hours.
Additionally, some days, any noise is overwhelming and also sets me off.
It must be very difficult to live with the noise.

I think it would be very important to help your wife to understand. Otherwise, your "avoidance" might well be misunderstood and may cause some resentment within your relationship.

It can be so very challenging to live with the many effects of PTSD. I am sorry you must deal with these effects. I hope you can find a way to cope and a way to educate your wife in a way that helps her to truly understand.

My best to you ~

You have done an outstanding job!

My artwork was accepted to madinamerica, it will be posted in their gallery within a few weeks, super excited!

Wonderful!
Is there a way we can go there and see your artwork? I guess I am asking if you use the same screen name there? I am not asking you to disclose your identity. Just interested in making sure I see yours. Maybe there is not a way. I am looking forward to visiting the site.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Yes, they will put it up within a few weeks as they have a que they have to go through first, I will definitely post a link to it when it's up. In the meantime it's on my blog , thank you!

The Daily Blue Bird | My journal where I discuss living with mental illness. I also post about art, video-games, food, and books!

I am so wiped out today. I am not sure as to why this is the case. I have respiratory sx,; yet, I think they are allergies. I am exhausted an am having cognitive difficulties. The only thing I have changed is the Seroquel; last night was my second night of decreasing it by just 25 mg, which is a 50% decrease.

I have a lot on my "to do" list today. So far, I have to scrap the list. I will have to take it up tomorrow. They are all tasks with immediate deadlines.

There was a big mix-up with my Enbrel today and the pharmacy was asking me for an over $600.00 co-pay today. It took an hour or so to get is squared away. Luckily, it was no more difficult than that. I am very fortunate, in that Amgen (the drug manufacturer) pays my monthly co-pay for now, as a part of their "good will" program.... or something like that. When you see Enbrel, Humira and similar meds advertised (as wonder drugs), please note these drugs cost $5500. to $7000. per MONTH! Outrageous! Luckily, Amgen is picking up the bill for co-pays in some instances. My current co-pay is $642./month. . I would never be able to afford it otherwise. I have not been on Enbrel for very long and I do not yet know if it will work for me.

I am having very difficult nights. I hope they improve soon.
I am hopeful!

Much Love!

That's a good example, maybe it will help my wife understand. I hate how startled and angry I get from certain noises. It also seems to be worse right now from me actually having to process what gave me PTSD for the first time instead of hiding from it. Right now, music has been my best coping mechanism, it does heko me calm down but sometimes it could take a long time.

I can see how being in the midst of processing the cause(s) of your PTSD might make things worse right now..

It can be very frustrating and demoralizing to not be in control of our responses to the stimuli.

Yes, in addition to feeling like I am going to collapse, I also get agitated, which is somewhat demoralizing because I am not normally an agitated/angry person. Yet, when I get triggered by noise, I just cannot help myself and find I have to isolate. It can get lonely when so misunderstood, so often, and having to isolate in order to "survive" the insult(s) to our nervous systems.

I hope you can find a way to help your wife to understand. I also hope she is open to understanding. Don't give up!