Bipolar Check-In #38

My colonoscopy and endoscopy are scheduled for Monday but I just found out that probably isn't happening.


When I saw the GI we talked about using different drugs to be MAOI safe and he asked me to have my pdoc email him (same hospital system, exactly why I am doing this there). But then they scheduled me with a different GI for the procedures. Fine. It's in my chart we discussed this, all should be well.


I emailed my pdoc the other day to ask about what meds to take the night before so I wouldn't be too sedated to handle the 4 AM prep. I just heard back from her a few hours ago that I had worse issues. Apparently the GI I'm scheduled with doesn't think I should have this done at the regional center and won't arrange for my pdoc to talk to the anesthesiologist prior to the procedures. Nor has the GI contacted me. Apparently she was going to let me do the bowel prep, show up and maybe do the procedure.


My family re-arranged schedules to get this done. My mom cancelled volunteer tutoring. My brother called off work to petsit. My mom has other stuff going on that she just doesn't have time to re-schedule. My brother cancelled a high tip night and she is going to pay him for tips. I had arranged and paid for a nice motel (nice meaning it has a fridge for my bowel prep) that I found cheap online; the last time to cancel was midnight tonight so I had to do that. I'm sure it will be much more expensive if I can get the same place if this somehow works out.


I am so mad. I've been waiting for months and I can't believe GI wasn't going to call me and tell me they aren't comfortable. Which is also somewhat ridiculous as I had surgery last year with less upset. I absolutely can't believe my pdoc is the one to tell me my GI procedure may not happen or that I may want to check into that further.


I sent the GI that I saw a message and will call Friday if I haven't heard from him. I hope I hear tomorrow but they have 3 days to respond and if he doesn't open it he won't respond.


I'm so upset. I need this done and I had myself feeling good about doing it. And now it is just a waste of everything. My mom absolutely doesn't need a whole day blown. She has to be in the city 3 days next week along with my probably botched procedures. It's just not right to mess with people's lives like this.


I just want this over with, not strung along another month. It's my own fault, I should have insisted on the dr I saw. He was so relaxed about it through that I thought my notes in my chart and my pdoc verifying I am ok with the suggested drugs that would be fine.


What a waste.

Have you ever tried Swagbucks? You do surveys, watch ads, do various little tasks and use their search engine and you can make some money. I've made $25-$50 a month when I was really motivated at it; some people make more. You can cash out for gift cards (including amazon) or paypal. It has helped me when things were rough. It's not exactly fun but it doesn't take too much time unless you want it to.


I hope you find a way to make the $50 less painful. I'm dreading having medical bills if I ever get these scopes done. I've had dental work on carecredit forever but otherwise just was paying my co-pay for my pdoc. Now that will go up. My hospital is more reasonable than yours though. I'm sorry yours don't know they are dealing with humans.

So my grandmother, the saint that she is, said that she will pay for cobra for me until I can get proper insurance from a job. This is because I can’t get coverage for my son through the healthcare.gov for some reason. I might be able to once open enrollment starts but as of right now he’s not covered. So as long as I pay my premium for this month I will have insurance again. So I can finally go to the dr for the diabetes symptoms. I am so annoyed by them. I hate being so hungry all the mother****ing time, having to pee eighty times a day, downing bottle after bottle of water...if it’s not diabetes (which I’m hoping for) I hope we can at least figure out what it is. Now that depression is not masking my appetite, I am gaining weight again because I’m so hungry.


Mood wise I’m doing well. Seem to be on even ground again. Not too happy, not agitated, not depressed. I’m happy the med change worked so quickly. I really needed a break.


I’m looking forward to my job interview on Monday. I think it would be a good job for me. Still low paying but at least it would be full time. Right now as a sub I’m not guaranteed full time employment any time soon. Apparently there’s another person who just lost her one to one who is a full time employee with a contract so they have to give her a position first.


I just booked a hotel for me and RS in the mountains for our one year anniversary in November. I’m really excited about it. I haven’t been on a trip since a year or two before my husband died. So what, five, six years? And we will be kid free! Just us. We will drive there after worn on Friday and cone back Sunday morning. That will give us one full day to have fun. I’m hoping it won’t be TOO cold because I want to visit this monolith park and hike around. I also want to go to the antique market and then hard cider tasting. I’m excited if you can’t tell lol!

I want to cry and I want to sleep and neither of those is happening....I dread telling my mom tomorrow that she rescheduled her life for no reason whatsoever. I am this close to a panic attack; my heart is racing. But so far it hasn't grown. I just am so MAD about the scopes. I tried to be calm and pleasant in my emails but it was hard to not yell at them. I'm hoping with a slight chance that the GI dr I saw can do my scopes Monday as scheduled since he isn't scared of me.


Did I mention the irony that the Dr who refuses to work with me/my pdoc is a trained pdoc? She was a pdoc in another country and they when she moved here she trained in GI. I bet she was a GREAT pdoc......(sarcasm)...........

What goes up, must come down.

Partner mailed my nurse concerned, I mailed her concerned, saw her yesterday and she pretty much said I need to change or I am going to just go into a another depression (mine already tend to go on for months) and end up losing my job.

Not too surprising, but it terrifies me because I worked so hard for this and I'm afraid I can't change. I don't like to let things go and I'm a perfectionist, and I'm working on something that has a high impact if I do it right. I am on a temp contract, too, which also sort of hangs on this.... I can set myself up for a permanent appointment if I do this right. There's a lot at stake, I don't want to fail.

I started blocking off my agenda so people stop chain scheduling me (next Thursday I have back to back meetings the entire day), maybe this will help me get my structure back?

It can't stay the way it is, but I find it difficult to change...especially feeling the way I do, I'm already starting my spiral again.

That's just how it goes for me, something good happens and it either just ends badly by itself or I mess up.

Well, I am just not in a good place this morning. My sleep is just a joke. Fell asleep sometime yesterday afternoon and woke up at 930 pm and have been wide awake since. Mind racing, dysphoric. Just feel gross and dark and yuk. Like I am physically in the wrong place or something, whatever the H that means. Like I'm almost psychotic, but not quite there yet. Anyway, going to have to talk to pdoc because bad sleep like this usually portends disaster for me. Waiting for him to get into the office. Will somehow try to make it through the day. Hope you all are hanging in there and that everyone has at least a decent day.

I had quite a bad stomach yesterday, and when I get a bad stomach I tend to et really low energy

this morning the pain continued (along with fibro pain), and though I got rid of the stomach pain by coughing, I'm still in really bad pain with my back

I want to cry and I want to sleep and neither of those is happening....I dread telling my mom tomorrow that she rescheduled her life for no reason whatsoever. I am this close to a panic attack; my heart is racing. But so far it hasn't grown. I just am so MAD about the scopes. I tried to be calm and pleasant in my emails but it was hard to not yell at them. I'm hoping with a slight chance that the GI dr I saw can do my scopes Monday as scheduled since he isn't scared of me.

Did I mention the irony that the Dr who refuses to work with me/my pdoc is a trained pdoc? She was a pdoc in another country and they when she moved here she trained in GI. I bet she was a GREAT pdoc......(sarcasm)...........

I'd had another rough night; yet, did sleep some, off and on, in early morning.

Awakened feeling totally exhausted and dazed. Had gotten up because company was coming this morning.. Even so, had to go back to bed almost immediately.. Noise, any noise, is too much. More comfortable in quiet room, even though cannot sleep more than a few seconds / a couple of minutes at a time.

I am sorry., it took me about 30 minutes to write this (and to correct overt errors.). It's too difficult to write a note right now.

Much Love to All

Christina and Moose, and all others struggling with money issues, huge hugs. We have to hold on to our loved ones tightly. They are worth a trillion dollars.

Well, I am just not in a good place this morning. My sleep is just a joke. Fell asleep sometime yesterday afternoon and woke up at 930 pm and have been wide awake since. Mind racing, dysphoric. Just feel gross and dark and yuk. Like I am physically in the wrong place or something, whatever the H that means. Like I'm almost psychotic, but not quite there yet. Anyway, going to have to talk to pdoc because bad sleep like this usually portends disaster for me. Waiting for him to get into the office. Will somehow try to make it through the day. Hope you all are hanging in there and that everyone has at least a decent day.

I'd had another rough night; yet, did sleep some, off and on, in early morning.


Awakened feeling totally exhausted and dazed. Had gotten up because company was coming this morning.. Even so, had to go back to bed almost immediately.. Noise, any noise, is too much. More comfortable in quiet room, even though cannot sleep more than a few seconds / a couple of minutes at a time.


I am sorry., it took me about 30 minutes to write this (and to correct overt errors.). It's too difficult to write a note right now.


Much Love to All

Hubby and I had to do the monthly (or almost monthly) trip to Philadelphia for his eye appointments. His eyes (even eyes) have rather serious issues, so we go to the best eye hospital around - Will's Eye Hospital. Today he had to have the injection. That usually knocks him down for over a day. As soon as we got home, I told him to take a nap, and he has been sleeping for well over an hour. He may not go to work tomorrow. We'll see. Luckily the appointment wasn't quite as long as usual, but I still needed an Ativan to get through it.


While hubby has been sleeping, I made two homemade apple strudels. I used a different recipe, plus I used puff pastry dough instead of phyllo dough. The puff pastry dough was much easier to work with. I even braided the strudels -- a fancy touch that I don't usually do because it's less possible with phyllo dough. The first is currently in the oven. The second will go in shortly.

I'm having panic attack after panic attack. Some of the worst I've had in a long time. I didn't have any for a couple years now they're here full force again