Bipolar Check-In #38

It's often amazing when we can rally and can push our way through.
I do think most of us end up paying a price for pushing our way through; yet, there are circumstances under which we have not much choice.

It sounds like you push your way through a lot. I have been amazed; yet, I knew you were truly not well and were pushing to the max. You have accomplished a lot, overall. I hope knowing this helps to offset any price you might pay for having pushed through.

I do hope things are going more smoothly at home. You deserve understanding and support.

I am glad you have been cleared for classes.

It can take a lot to get thorugh a panic attack. I used to have them several times a day. It was just horrible. I do not have them very often now. I hope you have relief !

I have had some good results with intermittent fasting. There are many variations now. I am going to try it again, soon. I did much better by increasing my protein, it kept my blood sugar very stable during the fasting hours. I hope you find it works well for you!

Rainy,
First of all, we could not copy and paste your post (above) and then I could not find it. I eventually found it here. I did copy it into your thread, as you had been trying to move it there. Much Love

I really feel for you. You suffer a lot. You rarely get relief.
I have interacted with you on various forums and you are such a great person.

I often read your posts, stop and think if there is anything I can suggest that might be helpful. I have not yet thought of something you have not tried.

I am going to keep thinking though, as I am VERY hopeful for your healing and your for your future.

Much Love

I'm currently sitting in the middle of the mall having a coffee I shouldn't've spent my last 2 cents on. (Well it feels like it!) Its very depressing in here: the lighting- the skylights projecting a dreary sky yet the electric lights in thin "X" shapes are almost too bright. The temperature is a little too cool but I have my coat off. I just wanna crawl into a hole and never come out. Closest I can come is getting in bed with my million pillows and my weighted blanket under my comforter. But the hole would be dark. The mall is boring. Its also big. Im glad there's enough light to go around.

I’m glad your feeling even a tiny bit better! I really admire how Proactive you are

Im sorry you are needing to take another trip , especially when your not on totally solid ground. She’s lucky to have you and your husband in her like. I hope she realizes.

I dealt with a cheating tow truck years ago, it’s such a pain , the companies do it because unfortunately most people won’t take them to court. Sad what goes on in our world now.

Please keep taking good care of yourself

So glad you got some stuff done !!!

I worked from home today so I didn't have to interact with anyone other than my son. It was good.

So today was better than yesterday - not as strange because I didn't have to force things as much.

Thanks everyone for your support it's nice to be among people that understand.

I'm feeling mentally tired because work is stressful but I'm managing for now. I'm hoping I can continue to manage the stress because it's not going to get any better for several months.

I'm still feeling depressed but I'm hopeful that the Mirapex will start working in the next couple of weeks.

I slept maybe 5-6 hours today after an all-nighter last night. Hoping I can sleep tonight as I have therapy tomorrow.

I met with my T today. It was mostly about what I'm reading, or would like to be reading. We also talked about my recent foray into journalling and how I can use it to identify triggers and process the stressors that come up during the day.

Well we had our court date this morning about a hospital bill my husband had from 4 years ago. Pneumonia! He couldn’t work and had no insurance at the time. He had applied for SSDI but we all know how long that can take.

The hospital it’s self requires all balances be paid off fully in 3-4 months.. ummm sorry I don’t have 400 +bucks extra sitting around each month.

So the attorney pushed for 100.00 a month . I’m like we are BOTH on disability.. here’s my husband with his portable oxygen, we have to pay monthly for him to even breath. So he said .. well the lowest I can go is 50.00 if not we will put a lien on your home and the interest will just increase forever.

So we agreed to 50.00 a month and I know that’s probably not a problem for most people but for us it’s just another bill we have to count pennies for.

My husband and I would have never thought in a million years we would both wind up unable to work and have to live off SSDI, it just slams you into a hard poverty. I’m just beyond grateful that we own our home outright. Huge blessing.

I’m just feeling defeated. In the next month I have to see my Pdoc, T Rhuematologist and also see TWO different specialist so there is more medical bills to find a way to pay, I mean.. I need my liver and lungs but damn! Ugh !

We didn’t plan to get so ill I’d love. to be able to go back to working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week in a nursing home.

Once again this bubbles up in me feelings of shame, being a burden, my self worth seems to literally be draining right out of my body as I type this.

We live a quite life, we might grab dinner or lunch out at most twice a month... and we are talking a local diner. Burger and fries with a drink and tip 18.00 And the food is served in a basket not even on a plate ! I don’t go “ shopping “ but I had to buy one decent looking shirt this year and 2 bras because mine literally broke and they were at least 5 years old. I don’t by makeup, my razor is probably 6 months old , I use shampoo that’s a dollar.. we saved for months to buy a dvd set we really really wanted. I drink one soda a day then it’s all water.. we don’t go out to the movies. I plan out our meals with a very strict budget and portion controlled.. We never throw out food. We schedule trips into town to take care of multiple things at once because we just can’t afford to make even one extra trip with our gas budget.

Sorry guys I’m just very discouraged, having a pity party for myself right now...

@~Christina I can relate. We are getting to that point. We need to find food banks, etc. The only thing saving us is my daughter and her job but she's moving out in February so....

~Christina I am so sorry. $50/month is rough.

Christina I am so sorry. I know what it’s like to not have two pennies to rub together, and that’s when both my husband and I were working full time. Unbeknownst to me he was spending all our money on drugs. So I tried very hard to budget, I’d get up early to make him breakfast and lunch, then he would say he ate it all by ten am and was hungry again for lunch...50 withdrawn...why does lunch cost 50...I was so naive.

Anyway this is about YOU, not me. I understand how just one more bill can seem impossible. You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. Try not to get too discouraged. You may never get to live the high life but you’re getting by with what you’ve got. That’s something to be proud of!

So my grandmother, the saint that she is, said that she will pay for cobra for me until I can get proper insurance from a job. This is because I can’t get coverage for my son through the healthcare.gov for some reason. I might be able to once open enrollment starts but as of right now he’s not covered. So as long as I pay my premium for this month I will have insurance again. So I can finally go to the dr for the diabetes symptoms. I am so annoyed by them. I hate being so hungry all the mother****ing time, having to pee eighty times a day, downing bottle after bottle of water...if it’s not diabetes (which I’m hoping for) I hope we can at least figure out what it is. Now that depression is not masking my appetite, I am gaining weight again because I’m so hungry.

Mood wise I’m doing well. Seem to be on even ground again. Not too happy, not agitated, not depressed. I’m happy the med change worked so quickly. I really needed a break.

I’m looking forward to my job interview on Monday. I think it would be a good job for me. Still low paying but at least it would be full time. Right now as a sub I’m not guaranteed full time employment any time soon. Apparently there’s another person who just lost her one to one who is a full time employee with a contract so they have to give her a position first.

I just booked a hotel for me and RS in the mountains for our one year anniversary in November. I’m really excited about it. I haven’t been on a trip since a year or two before my husband died. So what, five, six years? And we will be kid free! Just us. We will drive there after worn on Friday and cone back Sunday morning. That will give us one full day to have fun. I’m hoping it won’t be TOO cold because I want to visit this monolith park and hike around. I also want to go to the antique market and then hard cider tasting. I’m excited if you can’t tell lol!

I'm so tired. We cancelled what we could this week. My sister's family is coming over tomorrow. Money is running short this month. I don't know where I ****ed up. Today was nice and relaxed. My dog loves when we're home for most of the day.

Clearly that lawyer has never had to pinch pennies and has no idea how far $50 breaks the budget. Yeah SSDI is poverty living. I'm so sorry they wouldn't just forgive the debt.

(((((( Christina )))))) :

I do not understand why some must go through so much.

I am more than willing to do whatever I can possibly do to help you through.

Love ya!

My colonoscopy and endoscopy are scheduled for Monday but I just found out that probably isn't happening.

When I saw the GI we talked about using different drugs to be MAOI safe and he asked me to have my pdoc email him (same hospital system, exactly why I am doing this there). But then they scheduled me with a different GI for the procedures. Fine. It's in my chart we discussed this, all should be well.

I emailed my pdoc the other day to ask about what meds to take the night before so I wouldn't be too sedated to handle the 4 AM prep. I just heard back from her a few hours ago that I had worse issues. Apparently the GI I'm scheduled with doesn't think I should have this done at the regional center and won't arrange for my pdoc to talk to the anesthesiologist prior to the procedures. Nor has the GI contacted me. Apparently she was going to let me do the bowel prep, show up and maybe do the procedure.

My family re-arranged schedules to get this done. My mom cancelled volunteer tutoring. My brother called off work to petsit. My mom has other stuff going on that she just doesn't have time to re-schedule. My brother cancelled a high tip night and she is going to pay him for tips. I had arranged and paid for a nice motel (nice meaning it has a fridge for my bowel prep) that I found cheap online; the last time to cancel was midnight tonight so I had to do that. I'm sure it will be much more expensive if I can get the same place if this somehow works out.

I am so mad. I've been waiting for months and I can't believe GI wasn't going to call me and tell me they aren't comfortable. Which is also somewhat ridiculous as I had surgery last year with less upset. I absolutely can't believe my pdoc is the one to tell me my GI procedure may not happen or that I may want to check into that further.

I sent the GI that I saw a message and will call Friday if I haven't heard from him. I hope I hear tomorrow but they have 3 days to respond and if he doesn't open it he won't respond.

I'm so upset. I need this done and I had myself feeling good about doing it. And now it is just a waste of everything. My mom absolutely doesn't need a whole day blown. She has to be in the city 3 days next week along with my probably botched procedures. It's just not right to mess with people's lives like this.

I just want this over with, not strung along another month. It's my own fault, I should have insisted on the dr I saw. He was so relaxed about it through that I thought my notes in my chart and my pdoc verifying I am ok with the suggested drugs that would be fine.

What a waste.

Have you ever tried Swagbucks? You do surveys, watch ads, do various little tasks and use their search engine and you can make some money. I've made $25-$50 a month when I was really motivated at it; some people make more. You can cash out for gift cards (including amazon) or paypal. It has helped me when things were rough. It's not exactly fun but it doesn't take too much time unless you want it to.

I hope you find a way to make the $50 less painful. I'm dreading having medical bills if I ever get these scopes done. I've had dental work on carecredit forever but otherwise just was paying my co-pay for my pdoc. Now that will go up. My hospital is more reasonable than yours though. I'm sorry yours don't know they are dealing with humans.

I so agree with you!

I used to get harassed a lot, between my private disability insurer and my main coverages. In some cases, i've just asked for names . in many cases, I'd asked their names and wrote letters to their supervisors, etc.

I'd often asked hospital staff, investigators and others, "tell me, just how do you sleep at night?"

it's so very stressful!l

My heart goes out!

Thanks I hope you can get something figured out for when she moves out

Thanks

Yes ... yes we are lucky.. we were able to sell our home in Florida and with my inheritance when my Mom died we decided to just buy our home and acreage outright here , I refused to have a mortgage ever again.

Thanks The Lawyer honestly wasn’t a jerk about it .. it was just option 1 or 2

If we didn’t own our home ? The judge would have dismissed the entire balance..

I dunno how I got so lucky having you in my life