Bipolar Check-In #38

Thanks WC! I'm glad my mom is taking me too. I'm sure we'll have fun .

I just want it over with. I really want to eat an apple! Of all the stupid things in the world I woke up wanting an apple, something I usually wouldn't eat until evening.

I did accidentally drink chocolate milk today so I'm expecting to have some "clean out" all of my own any minute. I was just stupid and thought chocolate milk sounded good and forgot totally I can't drink milk. Duh......... Although I wouldn't be too upset if bowel prep started on it's own; I want it to be complete. I remember having a patient sent back to do prep all over because they got in there and couldn't see. I've also seen reports saying they couldn't see everything but what they saw was ok. I intend to have a spotless colon

Normally, in the recovery room they do offer juice or water, but today they didn't for whatever reason. The espresso did help get the brownie down. After that my friend who was driving me today had a bottle of water for me. He's quite thoughtful.

Spring is here it its full glory. A beautiful 32`C here. My partner and I visited my sister and kids this morning. My partner has rarely had a chance to spend time with my nieces and nephews due to his anxiety/PTSD. He had a wonderful time, as did everyone else. It made me so happy to be all together (although it was minus my Dad, and sisters husband). After that I dropped my partner home and then went for a short swim/float in the ocean. My hip is flaring up bad so I have to be careful. I am guessing I need a cortisone injection. Due to this the rest of today and all of tomorrow I am staying off my feet as much as possible.

I reduced my Lithium dose by ~56mg starting yesterday. All good so far. Yesterday I spent 4 hours with my 15 year old niece. She had come back from school camp Wednesday due to social anxiety so my sister (who works f/t) didn't want her to be alone much. We had a great time dying her dogs white chest blue, baking cookies for the dog, walking the dog (can you tell she loves her dog!), and talking and playing music. She even asked me to be the photographer for a dressage competition (horses) she is in next month. This all made me so happy. It was an exhausting, but great week. Time for couch and Netflix.

Hi Wander! Sounds like things are going exceptionally well! You so deserve this! Enjoy!!!

feel depressed.

while everyone is out preparing for a nice spooky halloween, I am sat here, in terrible fibro painm watching something I don't rweally want to watch and posting on here

urg life sucks

We mainly just chill out tbh... rarely do we go out. I'm still feeling miserable but on top of that I'm run down I have cold like symptoms. I get like this if I'm stressed out. Think the crying has took its toll

I finally went out to hang out with my friend last night. We got a pizza and watched a movie, it was a lot of fun. It's been like 3 months since I've spent time with anyone, I had barely left the house for a long time and was having major anxiety over it any time I had to leave even to just go to the store. I'm really proud of myself

I'm glad you had a lovely time, Blue_Bird! I assume your anxiety was low?

Nice! Way to go Blue_Bird. I think it was brave of you and pushing through it paid off. Now you have an excellent positive experience to lean on and return to in your mind the next time you're feeling anxious about getting out.

Thanks! My anxiety was pretty high going out but once I was with my friend it went well I think the hardest part is really just getting out of the house and to wherever I want or need to be/ usually once I'm where I need to be I'm fine but I had been avoiding things for so long that I would panic at just the thought of going anywhere and that turned into and endless cycle.

Hope you're doing well

Thanks hopefully the more I push myself to do things the easier it gets. It usually does, I just got into a rut for a long time

That's great! I assume you had low anxiety? What movie did you watch?

I’m not sure how I’m feeling today. I am having urges to self harm and to cry but I am not depressed. I feel anxious, I guess, or something. Not sure. I do feel upset about my weight but I’m always upset about that to varying degrees. I’m also upset that RS went to a truck show today and is working tomorrow. My son wants to get a pumpkin but my back is tweaked so I don’t think I can lift one. I was hoping RS would be able to go with us but now he won’t.

I have to do a lot around the house today. Laundry, cleaning, etc. I’d really just like to go lay down but I really can’t, I’ve got too much to do. I have to go to the store and get cat food as well as the picky *** cats don’t like what I got them last week.

I hope I feel better as the day goes on.

hope all the best. Sorry, I didn't go back and read this time...
Quick update
Saw new t on Friday. It was a good talk.. but, I am still feeling out things, I am "shy" as some say but in some ways, I'm reserved due to trust issues In person a lot of times.. then anxiety to talk and show self. I do like this t so far. She reads others well. I am going to ask if the last 5 to 10 minutes we can work on grounding before endings sessions. .. Hoping that's not too odd of a request.

Today I've "reran" some moments in my head. I wrote them out. Tried to challenge some feelings and thoughts. This is old stuff with me doing, new t didn't know I already do this till yesterday. I took in one of my journals.

Today
I ended up canceling my float (float tanks) session this morning because I just.. I push myself a lot to get out of bed for work and go, especially this last week.., no one else is going to ever take care of me so I must, and I know I have issues living under others rules so again. I must ... this "activity for me" the float, I didn't seem to find important enough to push myself out of bed and I was running out of time to decide... simply laid in bed wondering why and do I really want to go, it's dark and not sure if itll help today. I can always try to squeeze something in.. I have an appt booked for next week already.

My goals today atm are simple
Take a shower, get dressed.
Go to grocery store with my friend.
Will see where the day goes.
I've been mixed a bit the last few days on "up but down" ... meh- this morning, just want to take a break from pushing and doing and going if that makes sense.

I will try to make apple pancakes once I get milk too... that's a good goal

Taking a break from pushing and doing and going makes complete sense. And apple pancakes sound spectacular.

We watched Men in Black: International

The day started out nicely, but as I was preparing for lunch, I accidentally cut my finger. I was reaching into the cooking utensil drawer and somehow sliced my right pointer finger badly, on the tip. Whoa, was blood gushing out! It sprayed all over the place. [Sorry, I know that is gross.] Luckily hubby helped me with it. A veggie peeler was the culprit. I knew I likely needed stitches, but I was so hungry, so I ate lunch first with just my left hand, with my injured finger packed in paper towels against a bag of frozen peas. Three Band-Aids didn't cut the mustard. We then went to urgent care. It only needed two stitches.

It's hard typing without my right pointer finger. I'm right-handed.

The finger doesn't hurt. Maybe it might a little, eventually. I get the stitches taken out in 10 days. These are the first stitches I have ever had in my life. Getting the stitches was no big deal.

Ouch! I am grateful you are ok. It sounds like you handled yourself like a real trooper. I had my first experience with stitches this week. I got squeamish watching the doctor poke around in my son's wound with tweezers before she closed it.

Thanks, fern! I'm sorry to read that your son needed stitches this week, too. I didn't watch. Really the long needle (for the numbing) was the worst of it for me. When I saw it, I couldn't imagine where the doctor was going to stick that thing. He shoved it from the bottom of my finger up my hand and then left it there for what seemed like forever. The stitches were nothing. All the while, the doctor and I were debating whether algebra was more interesting than calculus. I won't go into how that came up. I voted for calculus with statistics as an honorable mention. He preferred algebra. He said algebra was more a scientist's favorite, while calculus likely appeals more to creative types. I found that interesting.

Thanks! He fainted at school and got the injury as a result. It was a scary day. I was worried they would have to numb him up with a needle, but to my surprise they used a gel and it worked great. He didn't feel a thing. He was very brave.

I'm with the doctor on your debate. I'm a scientist at heart though. I loved algebra. Calculus made me mad. I kept asking my professor 'why the heck would I ever need to know xyz scenario?' The answer was always theoretical and annoying I tend to sway toward the more practical applications of mathematics although I realize there is great value in both.

@BirdDancer I'm glad that your stitches weren't that big of a deal.

We are extremely low on $ right now- I bought eggs and that moldy peanut butter and bread. I had a smoothy this morning. Then my friend asked me to lunch. She mentioned a few including Red Lobster! She had a gift card and I ordered the cheapest steak they had which was delicious! She got steak too even though her allergy is to mustard. So yay! Now its a gorgeous fall day- 60s and sunny- and Im a bit sleepy. I dont even have to take Sharlene home as her dad picked her up already. That means an early night reading and/or watching a movie! I think Ive perked up some since last weekend but my increase in Rexulti started Thursday morning and its only increased by .5 mg. Or even since I wrote that dark post here about wanting to be in a dark hole. A full belly can chanhe one's mood, and being freshly showered/dressed. I am a little dozey since eating. Just like a newborn.

Got some sleep last night. Interesting dream but barely remember it now. I read up on stomach stuff and think I might have GERD. So yesterday I avoided all the foods they said to avoid and laid down to read for a half hour first to make sure I didn't throw up, I didn't so I took my pills and presto magico I slept. It was very broken sleep but it was sleep. For that I'm grateful. I'm thinking now my doc might just agree with me and I won't have to do any of those horrible tests. Today I've only had rolls and water, I'm so afraid to eat anything. But I'm starving. I was even throwing up the salads and they are supposed to be safe foods.

That does sound like a scary day! Do you know why your son fainted? He was brave. I think a lot of kids are brave. I'm glad he was spared the needle. I have heard that fainting as a child is not uncommon. I fainted a few times as a child, but didn't get hurt. They never seemed worried about the fainting itself.

It's a beautiful thing that we are all different. I admire you and that doc for liking algebra. Algebra, especially Algebra 2, was painful for me, but I had a great teacher. I took Pre-Calc with him, too. Calculus and Statistics were in my freshman year at university. I specifically recall one night having dreams about solving Max/Min problems. When I woke up, I felt I finally learned them. It was an amazing feeling! Do I remember how anymore? Heck no!

We aren't sure yet what caused the fainting. His bloodwork was normal. He's not anemic and it wasn't low blood sugar. He has had a couple of strange episodes in the past, so the doctor wanted us to follow up with a neurologist. We go in for an EEG later this month as it is possible he has epilepsy.

That's funny how you worked out the problems in your dreams. I work out my best solutions there or in the shower