Bipolar Check-In #38

Not doing massively great but can fake it to get through the day. Been self harming a lot recently, crying a lot, thinking life would be better without me (then on the other hand I don't want to upset my family). My counsellor asked me to write Who I Am.... she was sad to hear how I view myself. She read me her list of how she see's me. It touched me but I'm not worthy of it.

Managing to do my routine through the days then I'm wrecked by 6pm. I vegetate on the sofa from 6-12am when I go to bed well sleep on the sofa as I'm still paranoid this has been an on going issue for me for 6 months now.

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I hurt myself on Thursday night so much it hurt like a beep. But I continued to do it. Wish I understood my emotions the way normal people did

(((((( Miss Laura )))))))

You deserve so much more than you allow for yourself!
I agree with your therapist!

Oh, no! I am so sorry. I know this group has meant a lot to you. Is there a way to clear the air with them, or is this it? No need to answer. Just thinking of you, hoping this can be salvaged somehow IF it's what you'd like.

Jennifer,

Ive gone through several churches and denominations in my life as my exhusband was studying to be a pastor when we were married. Its too bad that there are clicks there. A place that is supposed to show love to their fellow men and women but they turn around and do the exact opposite! I found this to be true for my ex and me. They kicked him out of seminaryschool because they said my husband wasn't into it enough basically. Pastors would be one way at church and the opposite at home! We had the choir at one church decide that they didnt like the interim pastor. So they raised a stink and he got fired. Unfortunately for my family, we were living in the parsonage with the interim pastor so we got booted out in short order too! I could go on... I feel bad your bible studyfor you. You thought they were friends and they hurt you. Im sorry.

Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling fine.
Possibly a bike ride tomorrow? Easy does it!!!

Wow! Sounds like great fun! Would you stop and pick me up on your way?
I'd love to go! I do hope you will have some fun! EnJOY!!!

The lecture sounds so exciting !!! I bet your hair looks amazing

Hopefully you can keep using self grounding skills and ride this wave.

What process do you use to make your worry stones ?

Lots if things to keep you busy for sure

Ahhhh the early seasons of Greys. Love it ! Denny and Izzy , gosh yeah that was so emotional to watch.

Greys has really gone down hill in my opinion over the last few years. Shonda stopped writing the shows and Krista Vernoff who took over cant seem to find her footing. *sigh*

You are going to be loving Greys with what’s coming up lol

Awww I’m so sorry, of all people to act this way I know for me this is why I’m not actively involved with a church.

Part of me would want to go back and be blunt and give them a give 3 min over view of Bipolar to educate them.

I’m sorry this has happened. Maybe a new group would be a fresh start??? take you time thinking about it

Take good care of yourself

I’m glad even tho your depressed you are still trying your best to stay present. I’m glad you have RS

I’m sorry your still struggling. I think that it was a great exercise your T gave you.

As someone who use to self harm daily . I’m over 6 years safe, amazing to me , it’s been life long. I spend many times in my journey to stop but grabbing ice and gripping it in my hand. It freaking hurts , but it’s a safer option.

Try and go easy on yourself. Make small obtainable goals each day. Maybe keep working on that exercise every few days with a fresh set of eyes maybe you will see changes in that writing that you might not otherwise notice ?? Worth a shot

Well fooey.. I did sleep some last night but legit spend most of the day laying in bed pondering life and my place in it often today.. nothing major, since my husband and I had a very productive talk about some things mentally I’m feeling less stressed.

I had my planned to finish my monthly grocery shopping today... ahh tomorrow.

I actually was surprised tho my husband had to run to town to pick up a part he needed and remembered we were down to a days worth of dog food left, I feed them 99% of the time so he doesn’t notice. But I must have mentioned it lately. So that’s one trip to Tractor supply I won’t have to make. Woo boo

My wrist arm split was painful to wear all night.... but it’s stretching that tendon so it can heal, but was annoying for sure. Rheumatologist said 3-4 weeks should take care if it, if I’m still having trouble the he will send me off to see Ortho so yes I’m certain this brace will do the job ! I do not have money for yet another damn specialist.

My prednisone is truly on track for side effects. Tin foil flavored Dr Pepper and water, yelch !

Dinner was simple ... rub a tablespoon of mayo all over a chicken breast shake lots of oregano on and bake , comes out so moist, rice and a veggie. I love easy quick simple meals.

Now I’m vaguely watching Captain America movie , I’m such a Marvel nerd!

Loved captain America. Surprisingly I slept well last night, funky dreams about high class apartment buildings getting washed away by revolting pools that want to be left alone. Yeah, no sense at all.

Glad you're doing as well as you are Christians I watched Mad About You, the first 4 episodes

I'm kinda bored, and I didn't sleep well. My sister started screaming last night at like f_cking 10:55pm because she had a trash bag in her room. The truth is, she was using the trash bag to throw out all the trash in her bedroom and then she put the trash bag in MY room because she didn't want it in hers. Nope. I took it out of mine and put it back into hers.

She really is a b_tch sometimes. I don't know what her problem is.

Also, we didn't actually eat Indian last night because she was being b_tchy again and said that she didn't want to do it because my mom was going to leave work 1 hr later than normal. It HAD to be at 5pm or she wouldn't eat it. Like wtf?

Anyways, I'm hoping today will be a good day. Just relaxing at my parents' house.

Oh, and I had a dream that I got back to my apartment complex at 10pm and everyone there had their doors open. I could see all their messes! It made me feel better about mine.

Lol! Yes, we might feel better knowing our messes are the norm!

I am very sorry your sister continues to experience uncontrolled bouts of hysteria.It has to be hard on you and hard on your familly, in general. Has she ever gotten any psych help?

i hope you do have a peaceful day today!
I hope you are able take your meds, at least at night.

I've been seeing my family every day which my counsellor says is a good thing she thinks I need it right now as I'm "vulnerable". I try to not hurt myself but being physical seems to be the only way right now. I mean I don't cut or anything. But I injure myself in other ways. No one would know I hurt myself no marks external maybe internal though

I just need to stop crying its frustrating

No, she hasn't gotten psych help. She doesn't want it. She thinks she's fine and that everyone else is the problem. *eye roll*

I'm obviously not qualified to diagnose her, but she seems kinda like someone with extreme BPD. She is also manipulative. She doesn't come across as someone with bipolar since she's highly emotional all the time, but who knows since I'm not a dr.

I love simple meals too. I like to cook, but somehow food tastes better when I can whip it up quickly and still feel the comfort of something that takes much longer.

Hi Miss Laura,

I hope spending time with your loved ones will be helpful to you.

I am saddened for you. You don't deserve to be harmed physically or otherwise.

I hope you can find enough self-love to want to stop harming yourself.

Have you ever just sat with paper and a pen and listed your good attributes, the reasons you deserve love, esp. self-love?

You might make a different list of ideas of how to practice self-care, self-love?

Might you ask members of your family to list your good qualities? This might help you to see your worth?

If you can make a list on ways to love yourself, you then might look at the list when you feel like self-harming and do the opposite. Don't self-harm externally or inwardly, instead take an action which expresses self-love.

Do you have some fun hobbies? Hobbies which do not put you further at risk, but hobbies which leave you feeling better about yourself? Maybe hobbies which help you to express yourself? Art work/ccreativity of some type?

What do you do for fun?

I hope you will discover reasons to celebrate yourself and your life!

Much Love to You, Laura!

Great advice in your last post WC. You're very supportive and kind and I'm glad you're here.

I met a friend last night and we sat around at a restaurant for a few hours, talking over a nice dinner.

Work is busy but it'll be like that for the next several months. There's a big company wide project going on. That's ok, I just need to take things as they come and not stress over it. It's just work.

I'm feeling the same so far on Mirapex. It hasn't started working yet because I'm titrating up. I'll be at my target dose on Tuesday.

Today so far I'm feeling low but not so low, which is good.

I might have time to work on my book today and tomorrow. It's about 80% complete. I have some chapters to write and then I need to do lots of diagrams and add pictures. Hopefully I'll make headway on the chapters.

Hi Scooter,

Thanks for the compliment. I truly love being here and love all of our friends here. . I enJOY seeing others grow in their lives.

Many give me advice and hope, too, for which I am very thankful!

Initially, I had found I had felt similarly on Mirapex. I was not feeling total relief, yet was not feeling as down as I had been. A few days later, I was having more energy and was starting to feel bettter. I hope it all works out welll for you!

I have been wondering about your book so thanks for the update!
Always great to hear from you!
I hope you have a FUN weekend!

Hey Wild Coyote,

I'm not artistic at all my bipolar powers don't take me that way unfortunately. I'm not creative with writing either. I start writing in a style then I digress onto other topics my attention when writing is poor.

I like volunteering but I only do it on a Mon and Fri for 2 hours. I don't have it in me anymore to volunteer at different organisations. I'm done with volunteering

I've tried ignoring the feeling, sitting with them, writing them down, punching a cushion, listening to loud music, listening to heavy music... nothing works with me. My anger??? just comes out. I'm worried I'm gonna do more damage to myself though think my head is bleeped up

Hi Miss Laura,

I am sorry you are feeling so down and so defeated.

In mentioning writing to you, I was only mentioning writing lists, which does not take the ongoing concentration of writing sentences or paragraphs.
You would not have to make a complete list all at once. You could start a list in a notelbook, for instance, and later return to the list and addo to iit?

I am not creative, either. Lol! I am an artistic moron!
Yet, I could find classes in things like "Water Color Painting," "Jewelry Making," etc. It helps me to surround myself with others who are more creative and those who are willing to teach me if I need it.

My grandmother never saw herself as "creative," in any way. I had not known her to be artistic, at all. In her 80's, she took classes on oil painting. She painted truly outstanding paintings immediately! It was amazing! It was something she could have enJOYed her entire life, if she had been open to trying sooner. She had painted a limited number of paintings before she has passed on. It would have been wonderful to have had a painting in each home, which I am sure would have been the case had she lived longer.

I'd wanted to share this story with you, so both you and I might realize we might not know where our talents might flourish until we give it earnest effort. I am guilty of feeling much the way you feel, convincing myself that I have no creative talent at all. This is likely not entirely true. We must try things in order to find our talents.

Volunteering can be a very rewarding activity! you say you like it and also say you are done with it. I find this confuising. Can you clarify?

You mention your anger.
Have you ever been able to take anger management classes?
Is your anger always there and ready to explode or does it change at times?

How does your counselor talk about your anger? Does your counselor help you to identify reasons/triggers for your anger?

What does help, even a little bit when your anger is starting to surface?

Do you know if your anger is related to a change in mood?
Some people with BP almost always feel agitated and , often angry, when they become hypomanc, for instance. Are you usually in a certain place with your mood when you feel the most anger surfacing?

Why can't you work on doing something different, or opposite, when you feel your anger surfacing? I think we can all work on doing the opposite of how we feel. We just need to be willing to try this with the true intention of following through.

When I read your post, I feel like you are giving up. I hope you will be willing to try something (again) to help yourself, out of self-love. I am sure your family does not want you to give up. The PC family wants to see you succeed, too.

I hope both you and I will try to find our creative sides. I also hope you will invest in yourself by simply listing some healthy activities you can do if/when you are feeling self-destructive..

I can only encourage you, You have to be willing to help yourself. I do hope you choose to explore more healthy actions, Miss Laura!

We are here for you!