Bipolar check-in #42

Oh okay, I understand. I hope you can get some answers.

If ER doctors are told the story, why would they think "brain injury or blown pupil?"

As far as talking to someone else's doctors,

Under HIPPA, anyone can talk at a doctor about anyone; the doctor can listen ,but cannot respond to anyone other than his/her patient.

I have been advised to let my H's pdoc know what is going on when he was in an episode. I could call the doctor and talk ("report"); the doctor could use the info I gave; yet, could not tell me anything.

I hope he will agree to check in with doctor though!
I am sure you are very concerned!

So I had a hell of a day, but managed to get everything done. Couldn't get back to sleep this morning after posting here and was being plagued by intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Then it hit me that my friend had last posted that they were done with life. Like explicit plans. And so I started to panic. I had already posted on their blog, but I decided to email them too. Waiting started driving me crazy. So I basically vented my fears and helplessness to everyone and anyone (except decided to give PC a break on this one). Folks gave me suggestions of what I could do and meanwhile, I finally got in like a 2hour nap (honestly, I don't remember exactly when I slept because I thought it was after 1p but I woke up and went back to sleep. Would I have done all that in only two hours? Not typical.) Anyway, so when I woke up and read the advice, i felt better...but I still didn't stop there. I tried contacting anyone I knew who knew my friend. Some can get a hold of the friend better than I, but it's all just a waiting game at this point. It's really sad to think about losing this friend. They were my very first online friend so we've known each other for like 5 years now. For me that's a long time.

Anyway, feeling better and like I said, got stuff done, ie some house cleaning and went to the pharmacy for meds and a bday card for my Dad, so now I'm just going to relax. Still sore from my workout yesterday, but debating doing some light yoga and stretching. At this point, I really don't know what's best going to help me to sleep tonight. Hopefully I can though.
Good wishes to all!

I am so sorry you are going through this, Wander.
I have endured FMS, too. it can be so debilitating and very demoralizing.

how log have you had FMS?

I am asking because some people report the intensity lessening as they age.

I had started having FMS over 30 years ago. In the beginning, I had a flare 24/7, with no break for many months. As time has gone on, The episodes are not as frequent, nor as severe.

I am hoping this will get better for you in time and as your maybe learn what types of activities tend to aqgravate you more and/or may cause longer periods of an exacerbation.

I don't think people can understand the level of pain and fatigue involved until they go through similar . it's always a helpful move to try to educate people!

I hope you can feel much better very soon!

Thanks so much for openly sharing! !

Please keep us posted.
Much Love,
WC

@Wander: I'm so sorry you're suffering.

@Jennifer 1967: I hope your test goes well. Try not to worry. I've had a couple cancer scares and they both turned out to be nothing.

In my news things are going not bad. I read about silencing my inner critic today and am hopeful. I got a nice haircut. I felt pretty miserable about a couple Scrabble losses online but i focused on the positives about them and feel a bit better. My hours are whack, going to bed at 2:00am, getting to sleep over an hour later and waking up at 1:00pm. It makes the day messy but i'm always stuck with this problem at this time of year so it's not a surprise. I'll be up before dawn in the Spring! Onward!

Edited: I had a moment of realization yesterday. We had a fire alarm (false) and i saw one woman had come down in her robe. She is an odd woman, a senior, very friendly and always on the go out and about town. I find her so appealing and charming and i noticed that we look alike! She's also got short grey hair and a soft round body. I've been condemning myself for my looks and yet i think SHE looks fine! I mean, we're not sexy or beautiful but she's pretty enough and i thought, why can't i extend the same compassion i feel for her to myself? So i've been feeling better about my looks. We're not winning any beauty contests but we're still good folks! There is more to life than being thin and sexy and i for one am glad!

I saw my therapist today and am officially depressed. I think it is a mild mixed episode because I can't fall asleep but once I am asleep I do sleep so maybe he's right. He did do something funny that made me really laugh and that was good. I like reminders that I am going to be ok.

I did manage to run one load of laundry tonight. Well, it needs to go in the dryer but at least I washed it. I'm totally out of clean clothes so this was desperate.

I did find out the cost of joining the Y and confirmed they have exercise machines, they just don't mention them on their web page. I don't want to pay money but it will make me go and I need exercise to fight this pre-diabetes thing and help me lose weight. Plus exercise is good for other reasons. I did find out that I can stop and swim at another Y on my therapy days as my Y doesn't have a pool but the other one does and I drive fairly close to it on the way home. So that would mean 2 days minimum to go use machines. This is a good thing, I just don't feel like doing it. I'll get there.

At least I'm getting some nutrition. I haven't had a bowl of rice in 2 days. That's a huge relief. I am so sick of rice.

For anyone who has seen my recent posts, I still am craving pizza so badly. Maybe in a month or so.

You've been through so very much since having become "ill" with GI difficulties. You've been a real trooper and I truly admire your fortitude.
I'm not surprised you'd experience some depression; although I am sorry such is the case.

I also admire you for getting out to your church and now to the Y!

Just an FYI: the Y in my area grants free memberships to the disabled on fixed incomes. Our y was just rebuilt and is beautiful! I just wish it was closer!

I hope you thoroughly enjoy your membership!
I'd love to take you out and buy you your favorite pizza when you are ready!

Love and Prayers!

I really enjoy this realization.

I'm leaving in about 10 minutes to go to therapy. I really don't want to go. I already took an ATivan just to chill out because I'm still rage-y.

edit: Therapy wasn't that bad. Not helpful, but not terrible. She said I was in a mixed state. I'm at the library now. It's kinda my safe space now.

Hi, just dropping in to check in. I have been depressed and feeling low for about 5 weeks now and didn't have much to say.

The body pains have been back for a while and feeling withdrawn and insecure. But I continue with work and life as hard as it is at times.

Looking forward to Remeron doing it's thing. My pdoc recently upped the dose. My sleep is much better.

I'm staying busy learning and writing when I'm up to it.

Haven't checked in in awhile. Doing essentially alright. Been in a lot of pain (vertabrae/nerve/arm issues) and feeling run down, but holding more or less tight mentally. I'm freaking out about opening a couple pieces of mail that are likely tax-related. I'm afraid that a former employer is sayin something untrue insurance-wise that could prove catastrophic, and I would react VERY badly to that. So I am putting off opening it because there *is* no "good" time to do so. I'm figuring maybe I'll tackle it Weds. so I can go read the riot act at their HR should that prove necessary. (I'm already in trouble tax-wise for underestimating my income, unintentionally of course.)

I’m actually looking for other people who got themselves off SSI/SDI and went back to work. Can you direct me?

Have had a fab day. It's my Birthday today. Went to the cinema with my Twin to see 1917 brilliant film. Chilled out and then we went out for dinner with my parents, Brother, his Wife and my Nephew. Back to my parents house for some Birthday cake. Now home and chilling out.

Still unwell with dizziness, sore head and feeling sick but hey I managed to enjoy my Birthday so that's all that matters

Happy birthday Miss Laura! I wish good health for your birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Much Love to You!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hi!

I thought I was the only one sometimes delaying opening mail due to my anxiety level. I definitely try to limit any triggers for anxiety by 4 pm or so; it helps me in getting some sleep.

If I think a letter or something in the mail might be triggering. I try to wait until Friday, if possible. Then I have the weekend to deal with it.

It's always great to have you posting, IZ!

Happy Birthday, Miss Laura! I'm glad your day has been nice, despite the sore head and dizziness. I hope you wake up tomorrow feeling much better.

Alright, so today I woke up promptly at 8am from sleeping at midnightish. It's been a looong time since I've slept less than 10-12 hours (well, besides the 2 hours the night before last. sigh! but i needed a nap.)

um, I've also been experiencing racing or ruminating thoughts (night before last and yesterday) and today I've been SUPER productive. am I experiencing a high???

I did not sleep well at all last night. Too much on my mind. In too much pain.
Very tired today. Dropping off, repeatedly, just writing this.

Love to All!

i'm also feeling very good about myself right now, but my husband still likely won't be impressed. And that adds pressure and anxiety for me to do more/finish all these undone tasks...but i'm also physically tired. I do have to eat lunch still though! omg, i forgot! (sorta). just so much to do!!! and even if I do get all that done, I'm sure he'll still find something to ***** about. I'm really getting bothered by him. Oh yeah! I wanted to contact my doctor again too? but is it enough that i noted some thoughts in my journal that he reads. ugh! i'm pretty sure he said to tell him if I get high again. Did he? ugh! i dunno! so much to do!!!

I saw my T today. She worked me in early. We talked about me being a waste of her time and lots more that went around with that.

Not that she sees me as a waste, but that I feared it was the case.

That song Never Enough is in my head right now, because my life is never enough, never never, never enough!
This is me banging on myself this time, not my husband.

I am very worried about my cat. Yesterday he was acting normal but today when I got home he was very lethargic, kind of pacing around slowly with half open eyes. I thought maybe he was in pain so I gave him his pain medication. He’s been laying on the back of the couch ever since. Now the pain med is sedating so he’s probably just groggy but I am worried nonetheless. If anything goes wrong, I will have to put him down. I have no more money to save him. I have already poured $7000 into this cat. I’m already going to have to stretch my budget wire thin to pay for it. I hope he’s ok.

I saw my pdoc today. I told her I stopped the haldol and she was fine with it. So that’s good.

I am having trouble eating lately, which is probably due to stress. I am hungry, but I absolutely do not want to eat. Nothing is appetizing to me. So I’m forcing myself to eat something that I really don’t want just so I have something in my stomach. This usually happens when I am in an episode but I don’t think I am. I think I’m just stressed out about money and my cat. Hopefully it will ease as my cat recovers.

Wildflowerchild I am sorry about your cat! I really hope they are okay. Did this cat have diabetes (excuse me if I am confusing things)? If so, I would wonder if his blood sugar is stable at the moment? If that's not this cat than nevermind!