Bipolar check-in #43

I also thought one assistant was let go for this same reason?
I just cannot understand a pdoc putting his patients (and his license to practice) at such severe risk.

Much more importantly, we are very concerned about you, Blue.

Do you think your primary care doctor can/might help?

I am sorry you are in pain.
How did you hurt yourself?

I have a hip and a knee injury of some sort, both on the same side. I had to buy a pair of easy slip on (a bit loose) shoes.

I hope you recover quickly! After all, you have a bike to ride and just the weather for it! I am jealous!

I have such a varied reaction/tolerance to meds. It's frustrating.

I can take 150mg Seroquel for a month or two and then, suddenly, I cannot function at all on just 25 mg.
The same happens with gabapentin.. Can take 1200mg for awhile. Cannot tolerate even 100mg later on.
It's safe to say this happens with most prn meds.

I think this must be do to a change in mood?
Anyone else have this in an ongoing manner? Uggh!

I've experienced similar in the past. A couple years ago I was given a Zyprexa injection in the ER and it knocked me on my butt for three days, and a few months ago they gave me TWO of them and it did absolutely nothing. I was severely psychotic and agitated for both of them. Same thing happened witha few other meds too like Klonopin.

Thanks Christina.

It's only been a week on the higher Remeron dose so I have another couple of weeks to go before I know whether it's working.

I went for a walk again today and tried to focus on the walk instead of the low thoughts. It worked for about 30 minutes or of the 45 minute walk so I call that a win. Some relief during the day is always welcome.

I feel I can cope with my losses but am having a hard time with it because I'm depressed. I know intellectually that I can do it but when it comes to it, I find I cannot because I feel so bad, if that makes sense.

Little steps I guess.

I am sorry to hear that. Working in any state hospital system is inherently dangerous, but if you throw in a bunch of people who become dangerous when unmedicated, well, that just sounds like a complete cluster. I personally knew a fellow while I was in the hospital with schizophrenia who is a complete gentleman when properly medicated. Harmless. When not medicated properly, he kills people, because he believes everyone is trying to harm him. So, he stays medicated--needless to say. He is doing great.

That's the way it is for some folks.

I was unfortunately in our state hospital for a very long time. Long, sad story. The staff on the maximum security side live in terror. One was killed a few years ago during a takedown. Had a heart attack and died there on the floor in Harbors. So sad. As a result, staff often don't provide very good patient care there now, because their fear rules their actions and creates a huge barrier between them and their patients.

At the end of the day, both staff and patients must be protected. It is the only way those hospitals have a chance to do any good.

I think my pdoc is just lazy and wants someone else to do the easy part of his job.

I have not had the opportunity to discuss this with him, no. However, I did get a call back from his assistant, who said she talked to another pdoc in the office who said I should try increasing the propranolol from 20mg twice a day to 40mg twice a day. They don't want to change my meds up too much because my pdoc is out of the office and this other doctor doesn't know me at all. I guess he will write me a script for 40mg if the two 20mg tablets work.

Mine tends to go the opposite direction. I gradually need more and more and then, after awhile, it just doesn't work anymore and then, we have to start all over again.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this, WC. It must be very frustrating for you. Everyone's personal medication journey is different. Hang in there!!! You will figure it out!!

This has been my experience as well. We hit maximum dosages frequently. Quite frustrating.

Well, this is very ironic and strange all ths talk about state hospitals, because I was planning on posting today about a terrible nightmare I had last night about my stay at OSH. For some strange reason, I do not often have these. I probably should, since it was a singularly horrible chapter in my life. But last night I had one and it was so realistic. I woke up in a panic. The baics of it were that it was my day for release and they somehow magically decided to keep me for another 4 years. Just awful. Hertbreaking for me.

Oh well. I calmed down quickly enough. I am fine now. It was a difficult time. But I survived and I am stronger now for it. I need to just keep moving forward and not let it rule my life. Try to make something positive out of it, Lemonade. That's why I am writing the book about it. Maybe it will help someone else.

I really appreciate your sharing. I know it can be a very tough place for both staff and patients. I was a Human Rights officer in a huge state hospital many years ago. I had no friends, lol! (No alliances.)

I am sure many people who have had the experience of an admission to a state hospital system are quite likely to live with a lot anxiety / PTSD. I am very sorry you, too, suffer from these types of experiences.

@bpcyclist: I'm sorry you had this awful dream about such a terrible time in your life. I think it's very wise of you to decide to not let it rule your life. I had tough times in my early thirties and i often have nightmares about it: not being able to get food, sub-standard housing and being lost. I think once we've gone thru long times of suffering we are never the same again.

My brain is messed

Sigh. The new minimum payment on my credit card is $120. The minimum payment on the loan I had to take out to cover my cat’s surgery is $157. I don’t know where I’m going to get an extra $277 a month. I can’t take a second job because it will only be in retail, and I would end up leaving my son with RS for most of the week and weekends. I’d never get to see him. I haven’t found a reliable way to make money online that doesn’t require me to be up for all hours on my computer. I could save $50 by only paying $50 on my other credit card instead of $100, which would be ok as it has a low balance. But that’s only $50. I’ve already stopped smoking (though I do still use a juul, which is about $20/wk for the pods), I’ve given up eating breakfast and lunch out. I don’t buy Starbucks anymore. I make an effort to cook all week and shop at the discount grocery store. RS has significantly more money than me, but I don’t feel right about asking him to cover a bill or pay more on rent. He buys groceries too for us, and he usually pays when we go out.

And now I have a $1200 deductible with my insurance, so I’ll have to pay out of pocket until I hit that deductible. My pdoc sent me a bill for $125. Thankfully I only see her once every three months. But my therapist isn’t even in my network. Even when I hit my deductible I will still have to pay her 25% of the total cost of the session. We have reduced sessions to once every two weeks instead of weekly, but I may have to part ways with her entirely. If I do, I will not be looking for another therapist. I feel as though I’ve gotten all I can out of therapy. I certainly don’t want to start over with someone new.

So, in summation, I have no money.

@OliverB any chance you can see your therapist before May? Sounds like you need to talk to someone sooner.

Dealing with headaches again, I will mention them the next time I see my GP. Work training is fine. I do feel like all I do is sleep though. I don't know what's going on with me -- I guess I'm just moderately depressed.

I'm feeling pissed off...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I have no money this month either. Stupid me spent it all! N3 has money so we wont starve. Speaking of not starving, n3 and I applied for foodstamps today. I have two more proofs to turn in then Im done. I hope we are approved and its more than $15. (Trump's fault!)

At least it’s knocked that psychosis out , hopefully it will keep working and improve things

Any idea why the back pain ??? Glad you and your son had some fun.

@wildflowerchild25 and @Moose72: I am sorry to hear you are having money troubles. I've struggled with that too in the past and i remember how desperate and vulnerable it made me feel. But i hope you won't mind if i comment that you all have family and that must be a comfort. At least you're not all alone like me, except for my sweet dog. I guess we all have areas of our lives where we are doing well and ones where we are not. I just mean that i hope you will take some joy in your families and i will remind myself to be grateful for my relative financial ease.

Thanks. Unfortunately right now I'm still adding foods back to my diet and I can't have wheat, dairy or tomato products so pizza is way out. I have a recipe for safe banana pancakes that I need to try soon. I will look into the Thai and Mexican choices; we don't have Thai locally but Mexican might have something I can eat.

So I decided to skip Bible study. I just am not ready to feel deprived and I'm scared I would. I'll make it back soon and until then I can keep up with the study at home. I miss it but I think I'm better to miss it than to struggle through the whole 3 hours. Next week or the next maybe I can take hardboiled eggs and rice cakes which are nice, safe, portable things I can safely eat (assuming eggs stay good for a few more days). Thanks to those who gave input.

Yes .. Thorazine 100mg IP knocked me out for like 14 hours.... but when tried a month later , I used it last ditch attempt to sleep.. slept a few hours , months later ? I didn’t even get a slow blink and I’m blind as a bat the day after

I have no idea why meds and our bodies have such differing reactions