Bipolar check-in #43

Awesome news Jennifer. Thanks for keeping us posted. You've been in my thoughts.

Thanks. I know you’re not being mean or dismissive. They are good tips. I’ve been trying to prepare my mind and body for the extra load by studying some days (catching up on old material), and driving then walking a bit. I get discouraged because I crash too quickly. I have two days a week at university. Three hours each day of classes and 30 minutes drive each way. It will be tough. On top of that will be around another 12 hours of study a week. I will give it my best shot. Just having a bad week. Hopefully things will ease up soon.

Thanks. I don’t think I’m depressed. Just stressed past my limit. My T agrees. Of course, if it worsens I will talk to my pdoc about Meds. My mood is normal most of the time, I laugh and enjoy things. At times though I get overwhelmed and snap into SI. Having a body that won’t allow me to do all, or even most, of what I’m so motivated to do is crushing.

Thanks. I can call my T during working hours or the hospital I’ve been to at any hour should I become a danger to myself. Today I’m going to ask my partner to stay with me for a few days to keep me company. I pushed him away yesterday but this morning I’m feeling a bit better and don’t want to be alone all the time. I binged-watched Netflix last night. Thanks for your concern. I’m safe right now.

Thanks. I will have to attend my classes but I do have accomodations in place for extra time on exams, extra breaks in class, and extensions on assignments if needed. I’m just scared I will get sicker by adding the extra physical and mental load. I know you understand. You are right, this flare-up may pass soon and I could be worrying over nothing.

I didn't have my Seroquel with me and did not take it last night. It felt terrible. I tossed, turned, had racing thoughts, a few dreams (but the kind when you are half awake), but was only half sleeping for a very small part of the night and could never go back to sleep. It has been a very long time since I went without Seroquel. Luckily, I have my bottle tonight, so at least I did not lose that!!

I am writing from my desktop. Usually, I use my phone. I figured out my password to here and changed some other passwords online. Its time for me to take my meds and get into bed. Five a.m. comes early! I'll be back with you tomorrow- and fair warning: I'll be more verbose when I'm typing from here. Passwords! Gotta revamp 'em every so often!

Some of you are aware that we live in a small, close-knit college community and that my wife was let go late last year. Members of our community have taken up a collection and anonymously given us two postal money ordes worth over $850.

Daonnachd, that's wonderful. It's always good to have tangible proof people care.

Wow! What a beautiful gift and opportunity to experience gratitude and humility. How precious. Thank you for sharing this story.

Oh, that's wonderful!

I forced myself to do laundry since I am in my last clean shirt right now. Two loads. I need probably 2 more but we'll have to get there gradually. This depression is not that bad but it is still kicking my butt when it comes to things like this. I also need to change my sheets and a bunch of dishes that stuck together in the dishwasher (my new dishes don't fit in there well).

I've been randomly googling my former assistants and have found that the worst of the worst are no longer practicing. I'm glad for this, not because I wish them ill but because they were truly bad therapists and nobody should be treated by someone incompetent. I can't remember the name of one of them but I wouldn't be surprised if she too has moved on.

It's weird to see how few people from my past are still practicing. I would have done it forever so it's hard for me to understand quitting for another other reason but being forced into it. One of them probably was forced by a medical issue; he is working in another job now that he's probably more suited for. My favorite assistant ever isn't practicing now and that's sad; he was excellent. I wish I knew what happened to him. I heard rumors but not about work and I didn't believe the rumors.

Anyway, I need to put those dishes in to soak so hopefully tomorrow I can get the gunk off more easily. Unfortunately I've been eating a lot of oatmeal and that turns into concrete when washed stuck to another bowl.

I’m glad your feeling better.. just watch your sleep....

Daonnachd, thanks for sharing about the caring of people in your community. That's is heart warming. I'm glad their support will help you and your family ❤️.

My sleep is good. It's a little broken (I woke up 4 times), but I'm still getting an adequate amount.

I think I slept from 9pm until 4am? That's a solid 7 hours, which is good for me. I dislike getting 10 hours a night on rexulti. It's too much!! I used to get 7 a night prior to starting meds, so 7 is my "actual" normal. (I would go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 4am sharp without an alarm. Did that everyday since I was 9... Then it all changed when I started meds at 24. )

My therapist insists that I am sometimes hypomanic/manic even when I have "normal" sleep (like 7-10 hours), but I don't know about that. I'm sure she'll tell me today if she thinks so, though. But I guess there was one time I was getting 11 hours a night and I was speaking rapidly and tangentially, in a manic but almost psychotic manner (according to her). She said she couldn't follow me at all and that I was saying bizarre, nonsensical things. I had no idea at the time. She told me at the end of the appt that she was "concerned," and I was like, "concerned about what? huh???" (I was talking about how I wondered what would happen if a cow and a goat had a baby, and I made cheese out of the baby's milk... should I open a pizza shop? Yeah, I was not well... lol.)

So I dunno. Sleep might not mean anything. We'll see today in about an hour and I'll update this thread.

Hi bluebicycle. Before I was on a good medication mix, I would indeed have notable issues with my sleep, for the length of my hypomanic/manic episode. However, on my current mix, I can have what I call "mood upswings" during the daytime, and then after taking my sedating evening medications sleep a reasonable amount of time. If my "mood upswing" is quite severe, maybe my sleep goes down to 3 to 5 hours at night, but during milder ones, I can often still get 7 hours. I don't necessarily call these experiences hypomanic or manic episodes because they don't always meet the full length criteria, but occasionally they do. My morning medications aren't very sedating. It is usually between 12 noon and 6 pm that I sometimes have these "mood upswings" that I referred to.

I don't know if what I describe applies to you, but maybe.

I rarely notice any mood upswings, so my therapist or pdoc usually have to point them out to me. During those times, I literally think I am behaving normally and do not suspect a thing wrong. So, unfortunately, I cannot say if I relate to your upswings that last between 12 and 6. But I do have my therapy appts in the morning (10am) and pdoc ones in the evening (6:30pm), and when I have both appts on the same day and I appear (hypo)manic, my pdoc and therapist say the same thing, so I am inclined to believe it lasts all day when it does occur.

The problem with me is that I get psychosis regardless of mood episodes, so the psychosis can impact my behavior as well and possibly make me appear "manic," which makes things confusing (to say the least). Fortunately, though, I have not had psychosis in a while.

My Birthday went fine-- all plans fell through, which I as grateful for. That sounds weird, right? I wasn't up for a party. I didn't want to be around a bunch of family and friends and force hours of "fun" to happen. I just didn't want to deal with it. Well, lots of them couldn't come because of sickness so I spent a birthday with my mom and we went out to eat, came home, ate some cake and went to bed. It really was all I was wanting all along. It may be partially depression but the added stress of that situation just was too much. I truly am glad nothing happened in the end.

I came home early from work today. I got a bad quality check on a phone call. Well, it's my second one. I am very stressed out today and I was afraid of failing another monitor due to my major anxiety. I know leaving isn't a solution to the anxiety, but it's something I could afford to do and I needed it for my health. Before I continue let me explain to you the circumstance. I am in a period called "nesting", this is for my second round (new level of service) of training. Nesting is on the production floor "training"-- actually taking calls and assisting etc. Neither issue raised is major or much more than "coaching" required. But the reason they get "red flagged" is because my test scores in training were good. I had an 100% average so the higher your score, the less you're allowed to "pass with". Someone with a lower score is expected to make a few more mistakes and get graded a bit more leniently (that is -- maybe one minor mistake won't "red flag" them) It's kind of a crazy system but the idea is to help you. I'm not upset about being red flagged -- issues are issues, but I'm upset with myself that I keep making issues for myself. This job is hard enough and if I keep making mistakes they could result in major issues. Payouts or termination. Now we are nowhere near those two things right now. The issues were minor but had to be addressed but it strikes the fear button in my heart that I'm gonna end up making this situation worse than what it is. I just have to get through Monday and Tuesday next week before I see my psychiatrist. Maybe some med tweaks is whats in order to help with both depression and anxiety. We will see how that goes I guess. I don't currently take anything for anxiety, just a mood stabilizer, antidepressant and anti-psychotic.


I just hope I find peace this weekend. I feel so stressed and all I want to do is sleep. Maybe that's the best solution for me - sleep.

I see. What you refer to in your second paragraph makes total sense, to me. I can't relate to that, because I only experience psychosis during severe bipolar episodes.

I used to lack insight into my mood elevations. I still do sometimes, to a degree. But nowadays a light does eventually go on in my head and I realize I'm super charged. Like what you experienced, sometimes someone clues me in. It took me a while to understand what "normal" was. Growing up (and before medications), I saw my "normal" differently than I do now.

When I have my "mood upswings", no one seems to panic anymore, unless it persists or escalates.

It's a sunny day today, but chilly. A "good" me would go and take a walk in a little while, but I dislike taking walks by myself. Doing adequate exercise has been a real issue for me for a number of years now. It's odd, considering how much of an exercise enthusiast I used to be in my youth. I did take a short walk with my sister yesterday after our lunch together, which was very pleasant, I must say. I do take short walks with Hubby on weekends. I still love dance, but the closest I come to it is "car dancing". When I try to dance in my living room, I tend to peter out.

I don't quite know what I want to do with my hair. It hasn't looked as good as I would like. Yesterday, I was looking at photo albums and saw hair cuts I had that were wonderful. The problem is, that my hair has gotten curlier and curlier over the years. A friend suggested that I let it grow longer. I'm not sure how that would work out. Plus, I don't know if long hair on me now (in my late 40s) would look like I was trying to be younger than my years -- in a negative way. Though I know many women even older than me look great with long hair, but their hair isn't a curly mop. It would be way too expensive to get my hair straightened. Trying to do so with a blow dryer and flat iron is now impossible. Even my hair stylist refuses to try. When I wear it pulled back, my husband says I look like a child. Not what I'm going for!

A week to go on this higher Remeron dose before I can say whether it's doing anything.

I did have a good day on Monday. I managed to get a lot of stuff done and the depression wasn't so bad, so I call that day a definite win.

Since then the body pains and negative thoughts are still there. I'm trying to think my way out of this with the help of some online CBT my pdoc suggested (it's a free course ordered by the health department. It's targeted at younger people but it's still relevant). I know most of what they are covering and have done it before but I'm doing the exercises anyway.

I got out for a walk at lunchtime a couple of times this week. I focused on the walk instead of my usually negative thoughts. I felt better during the walks so that's also a win.

A couple of wins this week is pretty good, although the depression and body pains are still present.

I had my therapy appointment about 2 hours ago. My therapist insisted that I set up an appointment with my pdoc instead of waiting until next Friday to see him, but I said, "that's the problem. He doesn't want to set one up for me." So I'm going to wait until next Friday to tell him that I've stopped taking my rexulti. It's not worth arguing with his useless, idiotic assistant over the phone. I've done enough of that already.

I also told my therapist that I couldn't take the akathisia anymore. I said there is nothing that is going to change my mind about this med. It's a helpful med for sure, but I don't want to have to take meds to handle side effects of other meds. I'd rather switch meds instead of increasing the size of my cocktail.

If my therapist wants to tattle tale to my pdoc, then she can go ahead. Maybe it'll make my pdoc realize that I'm just going to do what I think is best for me if you continue to ignore me.

Other than those things, my therapy appointment went pretty well. We talked about work stressors and such. I felt the whole session was productive.

Ha!!!! You're too funny, BirdDancer. Thanks very much for the support.

That is excellent news!!!!

Thanks, fern--I appreciate the support. When I joined PC, I couldn't even get out of bed, I was so suicidal. You guys saved me. Thanks to each and every one of you!!!!!