Bipolar check in #45

Thank you all. It's so good to have people who really understand what it is like to be desperate for a med and trying to doing anything to make it last.

It's funny but I'm so relieved that i can feel some of the depression I've been making myself ignore drifting up to the surface. Too bad as the Emsam won't be here for a while. I may treat myself to 2 days of new patches though. I'm fine, just noticing I've been forcing myself to ignore reality.

I do wish that the hospital were closer and psych open so I could get them a little faster but that's just the way it is.

Mostly I"m just SO RELIEVED. We need to have a party.

:Pepsi: :dancingchili: party!, *throws pillow*

Wow I got really behind on here lol

I think my husband is making a very slow improvement, hes getting very frustrated, rants on about how he was in his 20's and had walking Pnuemonia and just kept working... and then I remind him hes not 20 something anymore and hes got copd .. He usually gives me a mean look LOL

I have been keeping myself busy with stuff.. Beautiful day out, we had rain Wednesday night, so a nice break on the pollen hell season that has started too soon anyway. So I threw all the windows open.. Worked some more on my flower beds, I hope most of our plants made it through winter.

Ok so Masks ! Looks like they will be around for a while... I am certain that high end designers are going to start churning them out ! Rich people are not going to want to be seen in cheap made at home masks like the rest of us are going to be using... anyway I predict we will see them advertised soon

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I am fine .i think nothing about future.i am reading michio kaku.i am watching an anime called death note. I am playing with balzak (my cat) . I am hugging snowball (another cat).i am eating and eating .i am talking with my friends on the phone.sometimes i am here.actually i am happy.life is beautiful

I watched some YouTube videos last night about Elon Musk. I can't help but feel that we have a special connection. I believe we know each other from an alternate universe.

Anyway, I slept from like 12:30am until 6am. Meh. Not great. At least I didn't wake up in the middle of the night...? However, I think I might go back to bed because I'm exhausted. I just hope I wake up in time for my therapy appt @ 10am. hmm...

I hope everyone else has a lovely day.

Been stable over a week, though kinda miss some of the mania. At least the good parts, like the energy, creativity and elation. Still trying to come to grips that I will seldom feel that way going forward.

People like your neighbour suck. Grrrrrrrr

I really wanted a particular ingredient for a baking project (plus a couple other things) so went to a grocery store I haven't been to for a while. It's just as close as the big Shoprite near me, but in the other direction. First I parked in the smaller lot and headed to the door and a woman told me that entrance is closed, so I had to go to the main entrance. I got what I needed, but it did feel so odd seeing everyone wearing a mask (required now in my state). I hate the mask because it steams up my face. I can't wear my glasses with it, so I wandered around with nearsightedness.

That store also has the plexiglass shields at the cashier aisles. I think all do now. I wonder if they will remain even after this pandemic has passed. I started to bag my groceries into my own canvas bags, then the cashier quickly said I had to bag directly in my cart (not put my bags on the cashier counter). I forgot, momentarily, when bagging my second bag then realized and apologized. A customer behind me heard my apology and practically yelled "What happened?" at me. Gotta admit that shocked me. I simply replied that it was nothing to be concerned about.

As if unloading groceries isn't annoying enough, we are wiping them down in the garage before bringing them in. I just hate all of this! I hope it eases significantly soon.

Easter is this Sunday. What a sad day that will feel like! I'll have a fancy torte for it. Not sure what I'll make for dinner...for just hubby and me. In the past, I invited my dad and brother for a feast.

"Nother long ride yesterday where I saw nobody at all on the trail. Got back into town and had maybe 6 miles along the river. 73 degrees. 8 zillion people out, holding hands, taking pictures. No social distancing whatsoever. Posted my concern about this on a biking site and got screamed at for being an"********e." Wow. Just, wow. I guess, according to her, as long as we can hold hands, it does not matter how many vulnerable people die. What a b***h.


I am observing a lot of short-tempered, pissed-off people in my world. Guess it is understandable, on one level.


Terrible sleep last night. A next door neighbor couple is either on meth, Adderall, coke, Provigl, or both have untreated bp 1, because they are very quiet, almost silent, during the day, and wide awake and insanely loud all night long--every night. Music, super loud laughter and talking. And this building is built like an Abrams tank. It is pretty much totally silent. I never hear anyone ever. Except them.

We have no complex staff really working right now, except for emergencies. Guess I will just have to write a pleasant note and see what happens.

Very sad that someone I love has left PC.


Hope everyone is hanging in there. Love and hugs!!

@bpcyclist, who's left PC?

I've don't a fair bit to get/keep myself moving this morning, but I still have this quiet, nagging insistence that I've failed the people around me.

...and my sculpting yesterday was crap. I threw it out. That's a bit of a drag on the spirit.

Oh, Daonnachd--she should probably speak for herself, I guess, just as far as confidentiality goes and stuff.

Just keep doing what you're doing. You are doing awesome. We can't think in terms of letting other people down. Let them worry about them. What other people think about me is actually not any of my business. We just need to try our best not to let ourselves down. You are doing great!!!

I used to write a lot, even when I was depressed. What I learned after coming out of those depressions is that I am not neurologically capable of accurately assessing the quality of my artistic work while depressed. My assessment skills are impacted by that depression, usually, in a rather negative manner. Not terribly surprising.

I have since learned not to discard such work until after I am euthymic, as a result of all this. It turns out, some of my best writing ever was done while I was horrifically depressed. It captured the detailed essence of the horror of my depression unlike anything else I have ever done. No question about it.


So, I would suggest maybe just taking the art you feel is trash and setting it aside for another day, rather than tossing it just yet. You may be surprised how you feel about it later..

Sending strength, support, and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Sorry to hear you threw out your sculpting. I 100% agree with bpcyclist that you should take it out of the trash and keep it! Even if it does suck, it would be kinda cool to see your progress over time, no? Like, in 1 year from now, you can look back on your sculpture and see how far you've gotten. Also, maybe you can fix it later when you get better at it. You know, just revisit it and see if there is anything you can do. Lots of artists in general will go back to an old piece of work and either remake it or improve upon it.

How are you feeling today?????? I hope your Ok

Well finally the meds are breaking up the crap in my husbands lungs !!! But due to coughing hes got a hellish headache, But we are both relieved..

I wanted to make potato salad today to have with Burgers tonight.. Well I cooked the damn taters and way over cooked them.. So I mashed them. Started peeling more.. I was keeping a close eye and O M G they were ok and I thought 2 more mins.. Freaking over cooked AGAIN... So I added those 4 to the already 9 meals worth of frozen I have...

So I said Okay one last damn time.. I peeled more.... Peeling so many had my hands just aching .. I stood right in front of the stove and FINALLY they are okay for Potato salad

Im going to share something that I just don't talk about ..... I love love love green olives.. But the pimento they stuff in them is one of the grossest things on the planet

So I had bought a large jar and I dumped them all out and pulling the pimento out of every single one after 3am

Youre so funny Christine! I've had green olives stuffed with garlic and some stuffed with jalepenos. I had a thing for the saltiness of green olives back when I was about 21. I kept alternating between those and mini crunch bars- can anyone say PMS? ROFL

Had a good day overall, especially since it's a holiday on my work calendar, but I wish I could've been productive in cleaning my place instead of spending most of my day on YouTube.

Also, my therapist doesn't seem to understand my special connections to specific people, but oh well. She's not me and probably doesn't have that innate ability.

I'm going to try to get more sleep instead of staying up until midnight or whatever. I'm trying not to burn myself out by staying up all the time. I mean, I'm not tired or anything, but I can imagine I'll burn out at some point.

I think more sleep will help with my focus too. Right now, I'm just thinking about a million things I want to do, need to do, should do, or could do. It's overwhelming me to the point I'm just staring at the ceiling and not doing anything.

Your commitment to the potato salad is duly noted and admirable.


As for olives, I was in Greece on Corfu with some pals in 1986. Had not been to Greece before and so decided, when in Greece, you know... So, I found a local stand and bought two pounds of fresh kalamata olives. Delicious. My friends mocked me and said I had bought too many olives. But they were cheap, like everything there. And I ate every last one of them, sitting on the beach, watching the water lap up again and again...

Well, the modafinil isn't working anymore... we're falling asleep in IOP again. During check in while people are talking. We try to fight it, and we just can't. We called our neurologist this morning and talked to the medical assistant and she was gonna ask the doctor but we didn't hear back today... they do close at 1 on Friday though. So hopefully Monday. At least it's the weekend and we can sleep if we need to...

Mood wise, we could be a little better but it's not awful. We don't get our Abilify for another week which will be the 5 week mark. A week late. We're a little nervous about that. We're already having some psychosis, hallucinations and delusions. Hoping it doesn't get too bad.

We relapsed over the weekend on alcohol. The PTSD stuff got really bad... We haven't had any since Tuesday.

Well, that's our current life in a nutshell.

Im watching MASH on my new free tv antenna!

Im sorry that your still struggle so hard I hope you can get medical care come Monday first thing.

Can you get rid of all the alcohol in your home? Pour it all down the drain. If you dont have it there , you wont be able to drink?

Stay safe

Already got rid of it. Our mom doesn't drink so she doesn't have any here. It's only here when we have some. So there isn't any in the house now.

So much anger. Why do I have to nag? all I want is a picture!! It's not like I'm asking to spend hundreds of dollars on pictures, just one nice one so I can finish the graduation announcement.

@bpcyclist: I was in Corfu in 1987! Just missed you!

In my own news, i got a little boost today when i re-arranged some furniture to get more light in here. I know things are improving when i re-arrange the furniture! It was the third day of my withdrawal from Lamictal yesterday (with doctor's agreement of course) and i was so tired and sleepy i slept for 12 hours. Good times!

The news continues to be troubling. I only watch a national one-hour program on our public broadcaster as it's so well-done. My IRL support group has set up a "warm line." This is a mental health support number you can call to chat for half an hour with a peer-support worker when you need connection but are not in crisis. I really should call. It's got limited hours tho and isn't available statutory holidays which is when i need it most, but i guess they're doing what they can. They've started a Facebook lounge and several online events. It's really a good organization!

I am wondering if COVID-19 will change the world permanently? Like if even after a vaccine is found, we will still continue to conduct more of our lives online? It's fine with me!

Well, doing better today, thank you for asking. Last night was VERY rough. It started ramping up and I jumped in the shower and put on "well sufficient" jammies just in case I had to go to the hospital, though I was DETERMINED not to. As long as I could take it, minute by minute. Was working my mind HARD doing my little amateur version of biofeedback. It went on for hours like that. Ugh. Shockingly, eventually I was able to get some sleep, though I couldn't bear laying down. That area still isn't right, but hopefully it won't go nuts again like last night.

I LOVE THIS!! (Black olive fan here...)