Bipolar check in #45

Hi all! I have wanted to check in, but just been tired and busy. My job is busier than normal. Not to complain, I am very fortunate to be working at all. I had an appointment with the psychiatrist who specializes in women's health issues and she basically told me I need to get in contact with my gynecologist about all these symptoms and try birth control again. It might make me more unstable, but looks like I am out of options. Can't even do acupuncture right now (I do hope my acupuncturist is okay and all financially). Fingers crossed it helps!

My friend sent me a gift card so I can get some house plants in an effort to cheer me up. It was thoughtful. I have been feeling down (like everyone) including because my grandmother is in a nursing home with a lot of cases and I may never see her again I realize. Just makes me sad to think about her being alone.

I am playing games with my siblings virtually tonight. I might play some music virtually with a friend soon, too.

Hope all are staying healthy. Sending compassion.

I just typed out a long-ish post on my phone (one finger typing) and then when I went to post it it gave me the "press the back button and try again after reloading the page". BOO!

I'm just sitting here listening to Libera – Discover the celestial sounds of these international boy singers They're nice. Relaxing. I've also been reading the Disney World Secrets book. Each entry is only two pages so front and back and that's it.


Had another dream that N3 was little again- about 2. This time, he was in a hospital. I actually was the one IN the hospital, he was in the day care. (Never sent him to daycare in real life.) He was happy and cute.


Speaking of N3, he was supposed to go to his repetoire class today. They were doing it via Zoom I think. His teacher had asked if he was going to be there and he said no. And she still texted him (and me) about what was going on, including a screen shot of her computer. N3 is so damned stubborn, that I'm sure he just ignored her. I didn't see any replies from him. She had him on the list of who goes in what order. And guess where he is? Sharlene's! Of course. I'm beginning to hate her because of how disruptive she is.

My aunt made me and N3 each a mask! His is more basic than mine, but they're both very nice. Pleated and adjustable. I can take mine down without taking it all the way off. Its a little clausterphobic, though, in terms of breathing in and out- you breathe in some of what you just breathed out. But I guess all masks are that way. My friend Karen said she has a mask on order, but has been using a bandanna. I don't know that a bandanna is that great, as it doesn't "seal" the bottom to your face. I think my aunt also made N1 and N2 a mask each.


Michigan extended the stay at home order until May 15th, yesterday. My friend says he won't be able to pay his lot rent if he can't go back to work on the 16th.


I went on a walk yesterday for an hour. When I got home, I got a shower and washed my sheets so I was all fresh last night. I stayed in my pajamas until 11 or so this morning, then felt cold so I got dressed. My scale also is messed up. I stood on it yesterday and it said I weighed 40 pounds less than I actually do! I WISH! Today, I will do push ups again and sit ups. But, I have lost 40 pounds since my highest so I have to keep that in mind.


I ordered a book a few weeks ago off Amazon and I knew it seemed familiar. Well, now I looked in an old purse and there was my original copy! So now I've got two copies. The old one has a bookmark in it but I have no idea what came before the bookmark! So I'll have to start at the beginning again.

Well-wishes to all! I hope your Saturday is a good one. I'm all alone at home, but I'm going to continue to read my book and listen to music.

So happy to hear your hubby is on the mend. That is fantastic! Good for you on the plants, that severe weather down there, oh man... I have no terrace in this little apt., so, no plants these days. But I can get out and look at other people's stuff, which I do, because I know it always makes me feel good. Western OR and WA are, indeed, extremely wet maybe 8 months of the year. The upside of that is that, when the sun does finally come out, this is without a doubt the best place for gardening I have ever lived. You can grow almost anything here. Hawaii is also outstanding. I was too busy too busy ever to garden when I lived in Nash Vegas.


This pandemic has brought the best in us as Americans. Healthcare workers, bus drivers, grocery and pharmacy people, all selflessly risking their lives to serve all of us. These are the people that make my country and the world great. Sadly, the crisis has also brought out the very, very worst in us, particularly in the United States. I do actually personally believe that there is evil in this world. And I have been seeing and hearing an awful lot of it lately.

Stay strong!!! Onward!!!!

I haven't driven since 2011. Maybe it's time to drag that bicycle out again...

What do you think is triggering this? Do you ever do CBT? I find it very useful when I am in that place, which is often. I started feeling like a total loser while falling asleep last night. Blown up career, blown up family, blown up life. Etc, etc. But the, I checked my facts. I did not have them right. The facts are, I got really, really sick with a brain illness that is not my fault and was not caused by my actions. I did not request it.


I immediately got myself out f that negative loop and felt much better. Just a thought.

Strength and support!!!! You are not a failure. You are a hero!!

I learned about the utility of headphones for voices when I was in the hospital. They really can help me with that.

What about trying to distract with something? MOvie, cooking, cleaning, a walk, drawing, music, journaling. Getting your brain off onto another set of neural pathways entirely.

I felt awful yesterday. I am currently paranoid and afraid to leave my apt. But I made myself get out for a few minutes. I heard some birds singing right away. It was so beautiful, so calming. I smiled. I felt better right away. Sometimes, it is the simplest, littlest things that may help.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hello to all

I have been very busy and have not had much time to post here

I just want to send warm thoughts and much respect to all

Hello! Checking in. My county is not opening up May 1 when the rest of the state does. Yay! We have it under control here (few cases and no new cases or deaths) so I’m relieved.

We had a visitor again last night. I wrote about the first visit over on the cool insomnia club. We called the cops this time and they came immediately and drove straight to the back of the house. It must have scared the unwanted visitor off. The cops said they’d put us on their patrol route. This is messing with my sleep (besides scaring me witless). Mom says let’s get a gun. Uh, no. Really bad idea. It’s a safe neighborhood so I’m surprised. Must be the times.

Most days I do really well and stay productive. Other days the weight of everything gets to me and I get stressed and overwhelmed.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

I made the mistake of messing with my thorazine dose (cutting it down) and have had really bad mood swings and increased paranoia. So I'm going back to my original dose tonight.

Nothing really going on otherwise. Same as usual, just trying to get through each day. Not feeling good tonight

I checked in with my therapist on Friday. She asked me about what I thought happened with my husband, and I couldn’t say it. She said it and asked me what I thought, to which I replied I don’t know, maybe. I wish I had never brought it up, tbh. Not sure why I felt the need to go there. After 20mins on the call with her I just wanted to hang up. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

I am still feeling incredibly depressed and anxious. When I get depressed I feel the tears behind my eyes but they never fall. I’ve been feeling that for a couple of days. I’ve been feeling trapped and distressed. I got rid of Facebook and I don’t check the news anymore. I just can’t handle it. I’m sure I’ll hear from someone when our state opens back up.

I took melatonin to sleep last night and I did sleep but I had intense nightmares all night. In one I was fighting off my cat who had become possessed and other animal like demons. I felt like I was getting scratched and bitten. I kept waking up and then going right back into the dream. I finally woke up for good out of breath and terrified. The rest of the night the nightmares were nowhere near as intense, but definitely upsetting. I’ve never had that happen with melatonin before.

Today we found a park in a neighboring town was still open, so we went there and walked around. It’s not like a playground or anything, just a paved path around a big man made lake. I didn’t want to go initially, I just wanted to stay in bed, but I knew RS wouldn’t understand that so I got my *** up and went. It was nice to get out. I haven’t left the house at all in over a week, not even to just go outside in our yard or anything.

Well I see therapist again on tues and see pdoc then too. Hoping to get something for anxiety that I am less likely to abuse.

Sat outside in the sunshine today. It was only in the 60's but so nice in the sun. Lots of neighboring people outside today. No socializing but did wave at them. That's enough for me.

When to do expect to hear about resuming your ECT ???

Im sorry your feeling so awful You are not a failure.. Is your art working helping distract you ???

DO you feel you can stay safe until Monday? You can call your Pdoc and T as soon as they open? If you can not stay safe then going to an ER might be needed.. Lots of Pdoc are trying to keep people out of IP by basically snowing them under with meds and you will spend most of your time asleep, which will give you a mental and physically break...

Stay safe

A little down but mostly due to life struggles. Attempting to curtail the zyprexa as it makes me feel depressed, lethargic and blah. I'm still on risperidone so we'll see how it goes. I've been taking it once every 3 days (zyprexa). I'm not discussing this with the pdoc because I'm switching doctors soon. After all, the medication is my choice and I have a long history with it, enough to do a risk-benefits analysis. No where near manic or psychotic, so that's a good thing.

I think My Gov is being reckless with opening, But I still plan to stay home unless I must go out . I am just tired of people who think people that do choose to stay home are being ridiclous... It stomps on my last frayed nerve..

Stay safe and try out some coping skill and see what sticks

Well my husband had a temp of 99.6 last night and admits he really felt really bad yesterday,, Today 99.2 temp, oxygen 89-90 on room heart rate 120 130 -.which is in line with lower oxygen level.. Today temp is 99.1 ... Temps of 99 do not always mean something terrible, I did tell him to skip Tylenol -or any OTC pain meds.. as low grade temps is your body fighting infection... His blood pressure is still running to high but he isnt getting enough O2 so he is struggling to breath increase heart rate... so its typical to run higher...

Im going to watch him closely if need be I will take him for a chest xray, he "might" have Pneumonia, again altho that was 5 years ago roughly and there was no doubt he was so sick, high temps and could barely stand up ... Im sure our Doctor will want chest xray and sputum sample to see what is actually growing so the right meds can be started, Maybe Doxicilian isnt enought altho he needs a month of that since he had the tick bite....

I also had him take a HCTZ today, its a mile water pill/ blood pressure med. But might help lose a bit of excess fluid, that might help

So yeah this my life right now... Keeping him alive and out of the hospital is a must !

Today I feel stupid. My books came in and I couldn't even organize the books. I was right. Some of the books suck for that age. So I pack those up for later use. I have a week to get this done. it's so daunting. I know I'm half way through the project. I've been told to lower my voice today. I just can't concentrate today. The voices aren't even that loud. No bugs. just to confused to participate in life today.

I straight up do not feel the need to sleep. I may just get up and watch TV.

I don't know why I take off my headphones. I can actually read and function now. I may be able to get some work done.

My heart goes out to you. It must be so anxiety producing and stressful. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope everything turns out ok.

You are the greatest wife your husband could ever have and a wonderful nurse. I hope your husband's temperature goes down to normal quickly so he feels better. Hugs to you both.

Christina, I really hope your husband gets well soon.

So, like a prowler or something? Spooky. Do you have any cameras? They are really cheap now. I hope this all calms soon!!!!

What were you trying to achieve with the Thorazine tweak?