Bipolar check in #45

I was very unhappy last night when trying to go to sleep. I felt like I couldn’t sleep again but also that I couldn’t take more pill because I had taken a lot during the day. It’s like i can only calm down and loosen my chest and the sick feeling in my stomach if I take like 2mg of klonopin at a time, but that makes me slur my words and ultimately pass out for a couple of hours. So that’s not feasible. Even though I don’t physically have to go to work I still need to wake up on time to jump on the conference call at 8am. And be coherent.

RS was quite worried about me because I said how unhappy and anxious I was. I was trying to turn my mind away from what I had just confirmed by focusing on my music. RS held me and rubbed my back until about midnight until I finally calmed down and didn’t feel the need to take the bottle of pills. I never confirmed with him that that’s what I wanted to do because I didn’t want to scare him. I wouldn’t have done it. I haven’t named a guardian for my son yet, I can’t leave him behind without someone I trust taking care of him.

I’m having urges to self harm but they are mild, I am so depressed that it seems like more work than it’s worth. I don’t have all the supplies either.

My therapist is checking in with me again on Friday to make sure I’m coping ok, and then I see her and my pdoc on Tuesday. I’m hoping my pdoc can maybe put me on propranolol for anxiety. Haven’t read too many people having success from buspar for anxiety. The rest of anxiety drugs seem to be ADs, which I need to stay away from.

I’m not sure how I feel. I feel kind of numb and drugged still, although it’s been almost 24 hrs since I took the meds. I just want to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

I have a pdoc appointment via phone on Monday. I just have no idea what to tell her- as usual. I don't think I've been having symptoms. My meds seem to be okay. I'm not manic like last year at this time. I am frustrated with this covid 19 whoopla. Its like a never-ending bad dream.


I finally called the section 8 people. Noah wants to know what he has to do if anything to move out. He is so gung ho on moving, but I talked with his gf's mother last night via text (she won't talk on the phone) and tried to have a conversation about his moving in with them, she just said, "I'm working overtime, I am pms-ing, and I don't want to talk about this right now" (paraphrased)! Excuses much? I mean this NEEDS to be talked about. The most she will say is that nothing is confirmed or written in stone right now. So she's just sitting there dangling living there over N3's head and he is making plans like changing jobs! To a job that is closer to where his gf lives, nevermind that he won't get near as many hours as he is right now. How will *I* be able to pay my bills if he moves out, etc.! Its a big cluster ****. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he has easy answers and thinks he has it all figured out. But he doesn't! Yes I'm grumpy about this! /rant

Are you still taking the meds listed on your signature ??? Maybe something needs tweaked?

Stay safe

Well, even they were laughing at me last night for my work failures. The voices. They kept saying how pathetic I was. That does not make me feel good about myself.

In other news, it's my sister's birthday tomorrow. I am NOT looking forward to it. Little Ms B_tchy.

@FluffyDinosaur: I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. But please be careful with your meds. A benzo OD can slow down your breathing. You might need a ventilator. The last thing you want at this time is to need medical attention. I know you are frustrated. It's a frustrating situation, C-19. Just take it one hour at a time. I'd hate to lose such a precious member of our PC family! Especially since you are so new. You will get thru this! Feel free to PM me any time.

Well, even they were laughing at me last night for my work failures. The voices. They kept saying how pathetic I was. That does not make me feel good about myself.

In other news, it's my sister's birthday tomorrow. I am NOT looking forward to it. Little Ms B_tchy.

I'm still not doing well. Just checking in. I'll try to stay off the internet as much as possible.

Hubby shocked me with something out of left field, this morning. He said that maybe we should sell my car and I should give up my driver's license. I'm not even 50 yet. The reasoning is because I've talked to him about how my driving is not really always safe.

My sister emailed me yesterday that my father's first cousin Jeanette just died. The day before, she had sent me an email mentioning one of her old boyfriend's sisters that I used to be friends with. In that same email, she also wrote that "Darlene has cancer and it's spreading". I never responded to that email because I was incredibly upset about Darlene, whom I really like. Yesterday, I asked if she had told our father about Darlene, as well as his cousin Jeanette that just died. That confused her. What happened was that she was referring to one of the sisters of her old boyfriend named "Darlene". I mistook her statement as referring to the Darlene that is my father's first cousin, on his other side of the family. So I had the wrong Darlene in mind. I was thinking "OMG! Two of his first cousins may be lost?!?!" And they were both very close cousins to him. I particularly like Darlene. Yesterday, I was even thinking of emailing my father's cousin Darlene to send get well wishes. That surely would have shocked her, since she is NOT the Darlene dying of cancer. My father lost one of his brothers only last summer.

Sorry about the mix up with family members, Many would easily confuse them..

If you were to sell your car how would you get to medical appts, Pdoc and T or doing any shopping, I know you go many places to fine correct things for meals... What if something happened to your Dad , Sister, Brother or husband.. Could you call a Taxi or Uber/Lyft service?

I dont think I could give up my license unless I truly felt unsafe to drive.. Your world will get much smaller if you have to wait until your husband had time to take you places.... Why do you feel your ability to drive has gone down? Has it been happening over time or just like now when you are not doing well with Bipolar?

I slept like 12+ hrs. voices are quieter Not as many fake bugs biting. I'm home alone for a while. No headphones today yet.

My husband is just very concerned. I agree that I'd truly struggle without my car/license. I think he said that more as a shocking way of getting me to be far far more careful. Truth is, I must try to be extremely mindful about my driving (and other things) in the future. It's not easy, though. It's sort of like telling a person to stop touching their face, when it's been a real habit for a long time.

I won't be driving very much anymore, and not far. I've had to abandon things (i.e. a volunteer job I started at NAMI a long while back) because of the driving. There are strategies I can take to make things safer, like choosing different routes or times I go out.

When I was much younger, I used to love to ride my bicycle. That eventually stopped. I started finding myself in ditches on occasion, and just got too scared to be on small roads with traffic.

Feeling a supreme failure.