Bipolar check in #45

sorry to hear that.

how many millipedes are you seeing? not to scare you, but when I lived in Boston, one of my friends had a silverfish (which looks a lot like a millipede) the size of a football crawling in his tub. I had even seen some myself that are like a good 6 inches.

just making sure it's not a real bug because those bugs eat paper and wood products, and they can grow to a foot long I've heard. or at least it was a kind of bug that looked like a giant millipede/silverfish. you live in an area where they are common.

they don't really lay eggs, so the presence of one does not necessarily automatically mean an infestation, but yeah... just be careful to make sure it's a hallucination and not a real bug. they are scary as f_ck. they look kinda like this: https://www.sciencesource.com/Doc/TR...g?d63644140452

anyway, I hope the other stuff subsides

I've seen three so far today, and they don't look much like the picture you posted. They were during my walks so I'm not really scared of them being on my house

ok, that's good. just making sure they're not those scary things. they really are terrifying because they start off tiny (length of your pinky nail) and then keep growing by eating wood, etc..

glad that they're not in your house though. sounds like a hallucination then.

Thank you very much, fern.


I relate to a lot of what you say. It really is so hard for people in our position to know how to approach this sort of thing. I am quite sure you will locate your truth and follow it. You seem quite adept at that...

If I may be so bold, is this a memoir? Something else? Sorry if I am being pushy, but was just curious.

Maybe you need to put more structure into your day ?

Leaving soon to head into town for my phone session with my T... and call my daughter.. Its a beautiful sunny day......Windows down and my Rent soundtrack blasting

BirdDancer... I will get back with you later about Medicare, I have some info to share.

Thanks for the support I have faith the right answer will come forward.

It is no problem for you to inquire. No, not a memoir, but I'm sprinkling in some personal stories as they help support my points and make the experience more personal.

I'm attempting to shift some of the outdated 'dog eat dog' mentalities that are prevalent in the business world. I'm helping people understand why working more holistically, authentically, and transparently with their teams helps to generate more value for their businesses and for themselves. I'm using science, psychology, technology best practices, and business strategy principles of back up my claims. In essence, I want to teach people how to speed the forming, storming, norming and performing phases of team development along and to do it in a way that leaves people feeling happier overall.

Here I am at home again. I just turned on a Libera CD. (I put up a few links about them on the What kind of music helps you? thread.) They are very relaxing yet upbeat music. They're a boy band, basically, but also a boy choir. I'm trying to not be bored here alone. I just filled the dishwasher but didn't start it because I need a shower. I tried paying my bills today and I got all of them paid, but my electricity/gas bill couldn't be paid at the time- they were having difficulty with the software. I'm still reading "The Gorilla and the Bird".

Had a good appointment with my therapist today, first time via phone, it went well We talked about my anxiety related to things going on in the world and how I'm coping with that. And also the situation last week with the police/swat team/shooting in my building. It was a very good conversation, it was nice to talk to someone too because I live alone and the only other person I really hear from now with the social distancing going on is my sister, so I sometimes go a week or so without any human interaction whatsoever, neither in person or over the phone. I have a friend I normally hang out with but obviously we can't right now. And I don't have my cats anymore so there's no company. I'm very thankful for PC because I have a lot of good friends here.

Have to go grocery shopping tomorrow. That always makes me nervous even without this whole situation going on, so now it's like ten times worse. But I'll get through it.

Meditation has been helping me a lot. To let go of things I can't control, stop stressing 24/7, to stay in the moment and enjoy little things. Breathing and grounding myself to stop panicking. And just thinking about other things than the virus constantly.. cause doing that really wears on my mental health, and anybody's really.

Getting back in touch with my faith/praying is helping as well. I think that's one good thing to come out of this whole ordeal, I was struggling with my faith for quite awhile a year after being baptized and confirmed in 2018. It's been strengthened during this though, so I'm happy about that

Found my other CD I thought I'd lost! Listening to it now. Making fettuccine for dinner.


I'm getting a little bored. At least I don't have my CDs memorized yet! That would be terrible. I talked with Caleb for hours today. That was fun. But that's over now. BTW, I went back on my normal dose of Seroquel. (What's in my signature.) I had weaned it down to 100 over many weeks, but then I just said, Oh screw it! And started back on the normal dose. I may feel differently at some point. I don't even have a pdoc appointment until the end of this month. My case manager called today though and said to call her if I have any issues, so that's nice that she reached out. Time for dinner!

Well, I don't have much to update that I didn't already say in my update thread.

I am more relaxed right now, but it's not easy. I am trying to clear my mind.

Also, I started working out today after being a lazy bum for so long. I never realized how weak I actually am!

I tried to buy more workout supplies online today, but it seems that everyone else bought out almost everything because of the virus situation (i.e., no one can go to the gym). I did manage to find a kettlebell, medicine ball, and pull-up bar though -- albeit at weights that are not ideal. The good news is that I already have two sets of dumbbells (5lb and 8lb) and a jump rope. I just wish i had more of a dumbbell variety (e.g., 2 lbs and 12.5 lbs), but everywhere is sold out of dumbbells. Bummer.

Working out is helping me a bit though... even if I am weak. It's distracting me and giving me something to do. I wouldn't mind being more toned, so I suppose that is now my goal. I am just kinda lanky as it is.

If your profile is anything to go by, with all those sports you play, you aught to be in good shape! My big goal is to walk more. Sounds easy- its not always! Especially if I have to try to keep up with N3!

yeah, I'm not in good shape. I'm not overweight or anything, but I'm certainly not toned. I used to be in good shape when I would bike all the time and do some jogging, but long gone are those days...

I actually haven't biked since 2018 despite my username. I just had no place to put my bike in my apartment, but now that I have a garage, I can actually bring my bike over and keep it in the garage. I just haven't done that yet because, well, we were still kinda getting snow up until recently and I didn't feel like getting it. (I just got the personal garage back in January.) I also impulsively bought a car in 2017 and no longer have a bike mount/rack... because I had an SUV and I put the bike rack in the tow hitch. my current car is a sedan. but you did remind me to bring it, so thanks. (it's not exactly an "expensive" bike -- it was $400 -- but some of the expensive bikes are $2000-5000. I mean, obviously $400 is a lot of money, but not like those elite bikes.)

if I'm honest... walking IS kinda difficult though depending on your pace and if you're going uphill or not. heck, even going downhill can be challenging if the hill is really steep (because you obviously don't want to fall flat on your face). and of course, everyone has a different physiology. I actually even think that power walking can be more intense than jogging in some cases.

Finally got my medicine for narcolepsy today. Gonna see how tomorrow at IOP goes with taking it. I fell asleep in IOP this morning, but I didn't have the medicine yet. I took it after IOP and I was still a little tired, but not as bad. I didn't end up napping today.

(Copied from another thread)

I did a quick read to catch up and I wish you all the best.

Today I did my 5 mile walk, finished sculpting and painting a monster from a trilogy I read with my sons, and met with my T via telephone. Some other stuff too, but nothing worth mentioning.

I guess it is worth mentioning the ECT coordinator contacted me to say that my pdoc responsible for ECT is doing virtual meetings with patients now. I finally came out to her with the suicide plan which evolved over the past couple of weeks, but reassured them that my T is making an heroic effort to keep me safe. So, as things stand, I will probably still need to wait until the COVID surge dies down at the hospital. That's my choice now - or at least the repercussions of my choice. I can handle that.

sorry to hear that, daonnachd. i really wish they would allow you to get ECT. the COVID-19 crap is expected to stay around for a while, with some people predicting it'll disappear as late as august! I don't get why they are cutting people off like this, especially if COVID-19 ends up taking all the way until august to disappear.

anyways... I'm sorry that you're feeling so low, but you should be proud of yourself for sharing your suicide plan and working hard with your therapist to cope with all this crap going on. it takes a lot of courage and strength to share something so personal with them.

and of course, I'm glad you're actively trying to stay safe. that's the most important thing right now. keep on keeping on.

Im so glad you had a good telephone session... I also had my first session today too..

Im sorry you dont have your your fur babies Your working on staying stable

I decided to screw with my pancake batter. I wanted light and fluffy pancakes. After I mixed it up from the box, I added an egg, 1/4 tsp baking soda, and a squeeze of a lemon. I then let it rise for a couple hours. It turned out fine, but the flavor told me that there was soda left in the batter. So I will use two squeezes of the lemon next time.

I have been depressed over the last couple weeks. So my house is a mess. I need to spend tomorrow cleaning it up. I am getting used to my new job. I am working about 20 hours a week. The company also provides a profit sharing check every quarter. Yes! Between this and the check from the government from Trump, I should be in a better financial position. Lately, I have been sick. So I had to take a couple days off. I called my doctors office who told me I do not have the coronavirus. This is good news! I am thinking of putting one of my antiques up for auction. This would prove to be a fun experience. I have a new cappuccino machine. I push a button, and it does the rest, including a macchiato latte. Nice!

Thank you, @bluebicycle, for the detailed and attentive response. I hadn't heard August as a possible end to this, but with my studies of statistics, demographics, and biology I'm not surprised. I've been expecting much later than Easter all along.

It was so hard to open up about the plan. And it wasn't until afterward that I realised they have my address and could contact someone to come "look in on me." Nervous chills. I wouldn't want that to happen with my whole family home. By myself I think I could just talk things through with police or EMTs, but I don't want my family worrying about me having a plan.

a'best...

A guy i used to work with 25 years ago texted me last night. He's super smart and handsome and lots of fun. Pretty sure he's married now. It seemed like he just wanted to say hi. Perhaps he was just bored due to the virus. Things were going okay until he said he's gained a few pounds and has more grey hair. That scared me right off because i've gained 100+ pounds and am totally grey. I don't really want anyone from my old life to know what a mess i am now and how sad my life is so i didn't reply and he didn't persist and that's that. Still nice to know that he remembered me and took action to contact me. That i exist for him.

Insomnia again today and all i got done was take my dog for a walk. So disabling, not sleeping well.

some websites predict this will blow over in july, like this one (which has an awesome interactive graph feature!): COVID-19

my dad sent it to me.

but some other health officials suspect that the bell curve displayed on such sites may be "flattened" a bit as people isolate more and more and thus cause the virus to leak from july into early to mid august. but pretty much everyone is on the same page of "this virus isn't going away until sometime during the summer."

anyway, I'm glad you were able to open up about your plan. what helped me feel better was when people on this site said that pdocs and therapists are trying to keep people OUT of the hospital as much as possible, for their own (coronavirus) safety. it does make a lot of sense when you think about it. also, some people on here are even saying that when they call a local mental health crisis line, the mobile crisis team doesn't even want people going to their offices, and they don't want to go out. so, doctors and therapists are more willing than usual to let their patients talk things out before automatically involuntarily committing them to the hospital.

I do understand your fear though. it makes sense to me why you would be concerned about your family finding out. I'm sure it would be hard on everyone involved.

but yes, I think doctors and therapists are giving people "a little more slack" than usual... so it's probably best to be completely honest and not hold anything back. they want to help, but they can't help if they don't know. I mean, I was personally afraid that what I said to my therapist over the phone this morning was going to get me committed... but since I'm not an immediate danger to myself, I guess she didn't do anything.

That sounds like it will be hugely popular and very unique. Good for you!!!!

So sorry again about your cats. How painful.

I really relate to you on the prayer and meditation thing. When things get really, really out of control for me and the meds aren't working very well, as has been the case recently, prayer and meditation are what save me. Literally. I also practice my breathing. I don't think I am very good at it, but ti really helps.

I lost my faith after I was abused. I never stopped loving my HP, but I concluded that He had most certainly stopped loving me. That was in error. I am so glad you are reconnecting!!!!

Good for you, blue!!!!

Do you mind my asking which one?