Bipolar check-in #46

Mountaindewed · Apr 30, 2020, 06:07 PM

I’ve been all over the place these past 3 days. Tuesday was a really good day. Yesterday not so good. Today was a mixed day. I feel like **** right now. I guess this virus is just really ****ing with me. And also my PMDD. I haven’t emailed my therapist. I guess the whole “I don’t have time” thing she said about my emails is just kinda sticking with me. Even if it’s not against me. It just seemed like it was.

Moose72 · Apr 30, 2020, 06:23 PM

@Mountaindewed I don't blame you - if my T or pdoc told me they didn't have time for me, I'd feel terrible. Talk about ouch!

Apr 30, 2020, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’ve been all over the place these past 3 days. Tuesday was a really good day. Yesterday not so good. Today was a mixed day. I feel like **** right now. I guess this virus is just really ****ing with me. And also my PMDD. I haven’t emailed my therapist. I guess the whole “I don’t have time” thing she said about my emails is just kinda sticking with me. Even if it’s not against me. It just seemed like it was.

I think it's good you're able to recognize that your therapist's comment was not aimed at you. Many, many therapists are overwhelmed right now because people are needier than normal: people are leaving more emails, texts, and voicemails than they typically do, and they are requesting more frequent or additional appointments. So, to be honest, she probably has certain clients overloading her inboxes, and it's gotten to the point where she has no choice but to say, "I don't have the time," to every one of her patients. She just cannot keep up if certain people are blowing up her inboxes. So, the problem is not you yourself, but the combination of many factors that have nothing to do with you. But on the upside, I think it is best she tells you she cannot respond, as opposed to just outright ignoring your emails or "taking too long" to respond.

Scooter9 · Apr 30, 2020, 07:38 PM

I had my pdoc appointment today by phone.

No med changes. She acknowledged my anxiety and depression but said there's not much else she can do for me at the moment.

I'm waiting for an appointment with a special mental health clinic. I've been there twice before and it's where I got my bipolar diagnosis. They do research there and it's where I got my treatment plan from. So my pdoc just follows that treatment plan and we've reached the end of the last one I got so now I need a new plan.

The Wellbutrin is partially working. We'll wait another 2 weeks to see if it's affecting my sleep.

I'm still feeling depressed and generally quite low. Lots of negative thoughts and the anxiety isn't helping. My pdoc did say I'm coping well so that's good news.

The Wellbutrin is reducing the body pains I have from the depression. It's just a small reduction at the moment but it's better than it was.

A friend is coming over this weekend for lunch. We'll meet in the backyard and the weather is supposed to be warmer by then.

~Christina · Apr 30, 2020, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I had a fraudulent charge for $447.64 on my bank statement today. It was for Bestbuy.com. The bank said it could take up to 5 days to resolve. I said I’m on disability and need that money promptly. Some people just suck. I didn’t need that today as I was already down.

In good news, I’ll get to see my daughter on Mother’s Day which is also my birthday. Really looking forward to that.

I’ve been busy and things are hopping around here. I’m doing well except for today and ongoing panic attacks. I’m going to bed early to reset.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Oh No ! Im sorry about money troubles .. Its insane how easy it can be to take someones money. Yes waiting for the bank to get it back in your acct just takes too long, Hopefully it will be done quick

Going to be a fabulous Mothers Day seeing M

wing · Apr 30, 2020, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Thanks for starting us out again, BeyondtheRainbow!

I had a video session with my psychiatrist this afternoon. The main thing we talked about is Wednesday, May 6 (next week). That's the day hubby and I will know if my husband has a job or not. Most everyone in his company will know about their jobs that day, too. I told my psychiatrist about our very initial steps in emergency planning. 1) Health insurance. Who will have what and how much will it cost. I told pdoc that I'm leaning towards my Medicare rather than Obamacare or any Cobra cr*p thing my husband could buy. I think the Medicare would be cheaper, even with a supplemental addition.

My psychiatrist really is concerned about me. He even gave me an extra appointment for next Wednesday. It'll either be after the news or right before. I kind of hope it's after.

Pdoc has known of my husband's and my possible move to Europe for a long while. We had all been thinking it would be two to three years from now. Now with the possibly lay offs, it could be much much sooner. Pdoc said that now that he's used to this whole "video session stuff" that we may be able to continue our appointments via video (even if he's since gone back to face-to-face) for a little while even after a potential move to Europe. He'd set me up with plenty of medication supplies for at least three months (thanks to 90-day supplies) along with PRN stuff. Then after three months of residency, we would qualify for the national insurance coverage (applies in both Czech Republic and France). I like the idea of staying with pdoc through a transition period. I may even ask my therapist if we could do similar. My pdoc is the most significant, though. That's why I was so relieved when even he brought it up. Honestly, the thought of having to leave my pdoc completely, in a very short time, would add to the extreme stress of such a major life change.

For such a huge life change you are so calm! And it sounds like you’ve got a plan in place to make a smooth transition. Good on you!

May 01, 2020, 06:38 AM

I slept fine -- 10pm until 4am, then 5am until 7am. However, when I woke up (like 15 or 20 mins after waking up), the lady and the man were making fun of me, but not the same lady and man as in the past. These two people were in their 20s like me, unlike the other man and woman who were much older (man in his upper 60s and woman in her 50s). I don't know why they kept insulting me. I didn't do anything?

I have a therapy appt today, so I will let my therapist know that people are talking about me in secret. It happened on Wednesday too, but it was only one person, not two talking about me in front of me.

Otherwise, same ol' same ol'. Fortunately, it's Friday and I can escape the world after 7pm! (That's when my work day ends and I can go watch TV or something.) However, why people choose to work until 7pm on a Friday is beyond me. Everyone is on the east coast, so it makes no sense. Whatever floats people's boats, I guess. I'm going to start work late on Monday morning, then, to make up for the excessively long day today.

251turnaround · May 01, 2020, 10:21 AM

After years of being in the dark, my mother told me that there actually is a family history of bipolar. Some of my relatives that I suspected have it do in fact have it. This kind of blew my mind because I had been questioning my diagnosis so much based on that. Now it's all starting to make sense. My aunt and cousin have gone through some serious mental health difficulties that I attributed to the BPD which also is common in my family. I was told my aunt had a bit of a psychotic episode when she was in high school. I should've figured it out then.

Having this knowledge may finally allow me to stop questioning everything and put that energy to better use somewhere else, though I doubt it's going to be that simple. I don't think there's anything a doctor could say that would convince me I actually have bipolar. I think they're all wrong.

Blue_Bird · May 01, 2020, 11:05 AM

My doctor increased my AD and told me to start actually taking my prn anxiety medication (klonopin) since my anxiety has been so bad (I have a habit of not taking it no matter how bad things get and then things just end up getting totally unmanageable, so she had me promise I would take it)

Things are going pretty well. My mood is good, I'm feeling positive. Doing better with fighting off/re-framing negative thoughts. I feel pretty hopeful now, I think things will continue to get better. Mindfulness and meditation are very helpful to me.

Cleaned some of my apartment today. Doing it a little at a time so I don't get overwhelmed. Will do some more tomorrow. My sister is dropping off my money and some McDonald's today. Looking forward to that, I've been craving a Big Mac. Was gonna go grocery shopping this weekend but there's too many people in the stores on the weekend and it causes me to panic so I'm gonna try going early Monday instead.

I made a big purchase yesterday, something I've wanted for a very long time, I figured I would treat myself since I've gone through such a rough time for the past several months. I ordered an Xbox One. So hyped about getting that.

Played my ukulele a bit today, trying to get back into my hobbies.

Anyway.. I hope everyone is hanging in there

Blue_Bird · May 01, 2020, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I had a fraudulent charge for $447.64 on my bank statement today. It was for Bestbuy.com. The bank said it could take up to 5 days to resolve. I said I’m on disability and need that money promptly. Some people just suck. I didn’t need that today as I was already down.

In good news, I’ll get to see my daughter on Mother’s Day which is also my birthday. Really looking forward to that.

I’ve been busy and things are hopping around here. I’m doing well except for today and ongoing panic attacks. I’m going to bed early to reset.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Sorry to hear about the money issues, that would be extremely stressful, I hope it gets resolved soon. Hope you find some relief from your panic attacks and have a great Mother's Day/Birthday with your daughter

Wild Coyote · May 01, 2020, 12:41 PM

A warm hello to all,

Today, I was reminded that I have not posted here in awhile.

I have been experiencing an exacerbation of illnesses since discontinuing an immune suppressant medication. I have chosen to discontinue the med because it puts me at a rather severe disadvantage should I contract COVID. I have had such severe pain and fatigue that I am now reconsidering this decision.

I have not been able to be here very often. I am way behind on responding to PMs. My apologies.

I hope my tardiness has not hurt anyone on any level. My failure to respond in a timely manner is nothing personal. I have had an incredible number of PMs to read. I have been trying to get though as many as possible and have been trying to respond as well. I have also been trying to contribute to the forum by responding to one or two posts a day and have fallen short of that goal recently.

I hope to be around more in the near future.
I miss you all when I am away.

Love and Good Health to ALL

"Socially distanced. Spiritually connected." ~ Andrew Cuomo

~Christina · May 01, 2020, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

A warm hello to all,

Today, I was reminded that I have not posted here in awhile.

I have been experiencing an exacerbation of illnesses since discontinuing an immune suppressant medication. I have chosen to discontinue the med because it puts me at a rather severe disadvantage should I contract COVID. I have had such severe pain and fatigue that I am now reconsidering this decision.

I have not been able to be here very often. I am way behind on responding to PMs. My apologies.

I hope my tardiness has not hurt anyone on any level. My failure to respond in a timely manner is nothing personal. I have had an incredible number of PMs to read. I have been trying to get though as many as possible and have been trying to respond as well. I have also been trying to contribute to the forum by responding to one or two posts a day and have fallen short of that goal recently.

I hope to be around more in the near future.
I miss you all when I am away.

Love and Good Health to ALL

"Socially distanced. Spiritually connected." ~ Andrew Cuomo

Do what you can when you can. Never feel bad about keeping up with PM's and on the forum...
Love ya

wildflowerchild25 · May 01, 2020, 01:20 PM

I feel slightly calmer. Still very agitated, but not like I NEED to harm myself RIGHT NOW or I will explode. It’s thundering out so I can’t take a walk. I could clean, I guess. That might be useful. I’m getting tired of my winter stuff. It might be nice to bring out my spring/summer clothes.

The weekend is supposed to be nice. I will have to poke around in my garden to see which veggies survived the frost and the onslaught of rain. I’ve already forgotten what is what. I did put the stakes in so hopefully they are still there.

I just took another 5mg haldol since I am technically supposed to take 5mg twice a day, not ten at night. Hopefully it will help curb the agitation throughout the day.

~Christina · May 01, 2020, 01:33 PM

Well yesterday while I was out to see my rhuemy.. We had the talk about the Pro/Con of staying on a medication that lowers my ability to fight off infections.. The only times I go out is to buy groceries, Meds or a Doctor appt he feels that since my pain is so awful Fibro wise that stopping my Xeljanz that is helping with the joint pain might put me on a ledge.. So I am beyond careful and stay away from people...

Monday my husband went to the hospital for a chest xray, labs and culture.. they flipped him from Doxicycline to Augmentin and yesterday the cultures grew out and now he is flipped onto Bactrium ! 3rd antibiotic

3 times the charm right ????

Hes been really sick 3 weeks now.. He truly needs a break, I need a break. Ordered a new Stethoscope so I can monitor his breathing daily. It should arrive Monday.

So the Saga of my husband being ill continues

Hope everyone is having a good Friday

Fuzzybear · 03:48 PM

ANP’s and EP’s... something I read (on a blog? Not on pc) last night.. could be relevant to me

ETA this is just “my stuff” ..And something I read last night. I have not, personally, found the professionals irl to be enlightened or supportive re bipolar (or any other mental health dx either

. Only last night I was reading another blog which confirmed my opinion. Not that my opinion is necessarily “right’`... yet it is my truth and my experience (over years in this forest irl)

Maybe I “should” have put it in a journal, right now I don’t have much of a functional journal. I’m working on it

ETA I have a headache. And I have interrupted Papa bear’s TV again and given him a headache.

He is watching Monty Don

bpcyclist · May 01, 2020, 02:32 PM

Hopelessly behind on these posts. Been quite symptomatic, obviously. Just had pdoc. I am about to go to pharmacy and pick up Trilafon? Whatever that is. He says I need full dopamine something or other blockade, or something like that. Sometimes Abilify can actually make psychosis worse, he said. Long story I do not really grasp. Something about agonist/antagonist?

He says he does not believe I am refractory yet. That there are several thing to try, still. So, that made me feel better. Looks like the Provigil is probably history. We will have to go with something else once the psychosis is under control.

That is it from here. Made myself leave the house yesterday for first time in over a week. So paranoid. Did 52 miles. Took forever. But it was good for me. Saw some cute dogs and bunnies and pretty azaleas, which made me happy. I know I am still capable of feeling good, somewhere inside me. Maybe try to go for a quick ride today, since I have to leave to get that med.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

Love and hugs!!!

Blue_Bird · May 01, 2020, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Hopelessly behind on these posts. Been quite symptomatic, obviously. Just had pdoc. I am about to go to pharmacy and pick up Trilafon? Whatever that is. He says I need full dopamine something or other blockade, or something like that. Sometimes Abilify can actually make psychosis worse, he said. Long story I do not really grasp. Something about agonist/antagonist?

He says he does not believe I am refractory yet. That there are several thing to try, still. So, that made me feel better. Looks like the Provigil is probably history. We will have to go with something else once the psychosis is under control.

That is it from here. Made myself leave the house yesterday for first time in over a week. So paranoid. Did 52 miles. Took forever. But it was good for me. Saw some cute dogs and bunnies and pretty azaleas, which made me happy. I know I am still capable of feeling good, somewhere inside me. Maybe try to go for a quick ride today, since I have to leave to get that med.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

Love and hugs!!!

Trilafon is a first generation antipsychotic, I take it and it’s been really helpful plus no side effects, hope it helps you

May 01, 2020, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Hopelessly behind on these posts. Been quite symptomatic, obviously. Just had pdoc. I am about to go to pharmacy and pick up Trilafon? Whatever that is. He says I need full dopamine something or other blockade, or something like that. Sometimes Abilify can actually make psychosis worse, he said. Long story I do not really grasp. Something about agonist/antagonist?

He says he does not believe I am refractory yet. That there are several thing to try, still. So, that made me feel better. Looks like the Provigil is probably history. We will have to go with something else once the psychosis is under control.

That is it from here. Made myself leave the house yesterday for first time in over a week. So paranoid. Did 52 miles. Took forever. But it was good for me. Saw some cute dogs and bunnies and pretty azaleas, which made me happy. I know I am still capable of feeling good, somewhere inside me. Maybe try to go for a quick ride today, since I have to leave to get that med.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

Love and hugs!!!

I hope the Trilafon serves you well, bpcyclist! I have a small amount of experience with it and it worked beautifully at leveling my mood (then manic) and I recall it even made me feel truly normal again, in a very good way. The reason I stopped is not worth mentioning. I would definitely try it again if I needed to.

Mountaindewed · May 01, 2020, 04:53 PM

I emailed my therapist about 40 minutes ago and told her I wanted to end therapy until we could get back to her office. I just think these video sessions are hurting more then they are helping. She gets distracted, I get distracted. I can’t say what I want to say. I shut down. I have to go into the closet to get privacy. She says stuff like she did last session that puts me in a funk all week. I just cannot keep doing it. I like her a lot I just don’t want to keep doing it on video chat.

She hasn’t replied yet. If she replies to my emails it’s usually within 10 minutes. but I’m sure she will because that email needs to be replied to for business reasons if nothing else.

Moose72 · May 01, 2020, 05:54 PM

@~Christina, I hope the third time's the charm! I worry about you guys. And your med making your immune system weak! Someone reboot your (current) lifealready!

Spent almost $1000 today on bills. Got my $1200 from the government. Im going to try to save that for moving.

I am feeling some better. Still bleeding with bm's. But I FEEL better.

Victoria'smom · May 01, 2020, 06:07 PM

I didn't crawl out of beds until 5 pm. I was curled up in a ball wishing I am able to cry [trigger] maybe dead [\trigger]. I don't have the energy to put towards anything but don't care. I feel like such a screw up not getting the curriculum out on time. enough to beat myself up about it but not enough to work on it. I can't decide if I'm painfully empty or just numb or if this is "normal". I'm nauseous. feel like I'm about to cry. I know this is temporary maybe tomorrow will feel better. Yesterday I was fine. My nephew got into a bad accident but nothing is broken and he's home. I want to feel better even temporarily and I know how to but I can't. IDK,

May 01, 2020, 06:23 PM

I'm sorry I haven'tbeen reading posts or responding much. Trying to make it through the minute is really tough for me right now. I hope you can understand.

Daonnachd · May 01, 2020, 06:53 PM

We do understand, spikes. No need for an apology. We wish the best for you. Take care of yourself first.

I'm here to report my wife's COVID test came back negative. That means we can go ahead with my ECT next Friday.

BeyondtheRainbow · May 01, 2020, 06:54 PM

I'm so glad to hear that Daonnachd. Are you ok for another week?

Daonnachd · May 01, 2020, 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm so glad to hear that Daonnachd. Are you ok for another week?

Thank you for asking. Will I feel good? No. Will I survive? Yes. Will I resist slicing my skin open again? I don't know. My T is keeping close tabs on me so I think with her help I should make it.

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Bipolar check-in #46

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