Bipolar check-in #47

I'm doing PHP which is similar to IOP. Everyone has to sanitize their hands multiple times a day, they wipe down the chairs, and everyone gets their temperature checked.

Not sure if its' the same near you but I imagine so!

I hope your day turns out better than you are anticipating, blue.

Feel okay so far, just getting going. No coffee and that blows.

Got not a single thing accomplished yesterday. Maybe today.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Cool!
Sorry I was offline for awhile there and didn't see it sooner. It's fun to mess around with, isn't it? Hope you enjoyed doing it and hope you play around with it again. (I've got to check out this SUMOpaint...)

I’m trying to psych myself up to get a brain mri. My prolactin is still elevated due to what I thought was haldol. So I figured when I came off of it again it would regulate. But it’s not. I skipped my period again (not pregnant, took a test this this morning to confirm). I still can’t lose weight. I might have a pituitary tumor at this point.

But I am deathly terrified of enclosed spaces. I’ve seen pictures of mri machines and there’s just no way. Unless I was completely sedated. Not even klonopin or Ativan will cut it. But if I’m completely sedated I need someone to drive me home and everyone is working. I’m going to make an appointment for an endocrinologist and see if I can get a brain mri in an open mri instead of a closed one. I did an open mri for my back and it was fine. So hopefully I can because I absolutely cannot get a closed mri.

I know there’s medication that can help too. I’m hoping he’ll just give me that and send me on my merry way. But probably not.

I had a friend that had elevated prolactin from Invega, when he got off the med it didn't fix it, he had to have meds for it.

Hi wildflowerchild. I've had about four MRIs in my life. I won't lie and say they are "pleasant" experiences, but they need not be THAT bad. They can be loud, unless they've since made them quieter. Sometimes they can give you ear plugs to cut down on the noise and I believe some can pipe in music, upon request. As for a claustrophobic feeling, I find the easiest way to cut down on that is to keep your eyes closed the entire time. If your eyes are closed, it could seem as if you're not in there. Well, you know, but you kinda sorta don't know. Just don't open your eyes. Imagine you are on a beach or somewhere else that is nice. I would play my favorite songs in my head. Every other aspect is pretty easy. They may or may not put in an IV for contrast. That's really no big deal, unless you dislike needles, but I imagine you've had an IV before. It's not much worse than getting a blood draw, for say Lithium levels. Actually, not even as bad as blood draws, since they can get the IV in pretty quickly.

My only concern about those "open MRIs" is that they may not always yield as detailed/reliable results as the others. You wouldn't want to get an open MRI only to have them recommend you get the regular, soon after. I would see the open MRIs only being mandatory for people that truly utterly have claustrophobia, and would have extreme panic attacks otherwise. Just a thought.

I had a very high prolactin level from the medication Invega, and a pituitary microadenoma (micro not macro). When I was taken off that medication, my prolactin level did normalize within not too many months, unlike falcon's friend's. Also, over about a 6 to 8 month period, the tumor also miraculously disappeared. That did sort of surprise the endocrinologist, but it is known that sometimes tumors do just disappear. I had yet another MRI (for a different reason) even after the one that showed the disappearance. That last one also showed no signs of any pituitary tumor return. All it showed was that I had sinusitis, which was sort of funny and not exactly news to me. I'm glad my pituitary microadenoma was discovered early on, so I was taken off Invega when I was. I'm not sure what issues I might have had, if it hadn't been.

Yes, it first happened when I was on invega and as soon as I stopped invega it normalized in a few months. It happened again on haldol and when I stopped taking haldol back in January I suddenly got my period back. But I assume it’s still elevated now because I stopped taking haldol about a month ago I’d say and still no period, although the lactation has stopped as well. So maybe I just need to give it more time. Nevertheless, I’d like to go to an endo just to get checked and maybe get on some meds for it. I know I won’t lose weight until it’s back to normal and I can diet. Even with strict counting calories I don’t lose any more than five pounds.

Last night I slept with a ton of Vick’s Vapor Rub on my chest and under my nose and I got a lot of rest, and I feel better today. I’m not sure if I had a cold, or allergies, or if my body was reacting to the severe stress I’ve been under since getting the news my therapist gave me on Tuesday. Today I was very anxious until about 2:30 and now I feel better.

I have been working this week on getting my mother and brother set up for when I’m on vacation next week and by today I was mentally and physically fatigued. I talked to my therapist this afternoon and feel more energetic now. Pretty excited to be going. It will be a nice break and seeing my daughter (when she’s not at work) will be a bonus. I’m planning on spending lots of time in nature away from crowds.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

I hope that you have the best vacation, and that you get lots of rest and relaxation!

Hey everyone , Sorry I am not around much Just needing time for Steve and now myself to get better, I am sooooo sick

I hope all of you are doing okay and being kind to yourself

Hugs and more prayers...

Well, somewhat tragic discovery for me this afternoon. I am now confirming that some real depression is back. No question about it now. Had a tiny amount of my old "miracle" anitidepressant, which I cannot take due to side effects--hypertension, akathesia. Decided I needed more information because I just have not been able to figure out what is going on with me lately with all this fatigue and feeling like I am high and no ability to get anything accomplished. So, I took what I had. It is an almost immediate onset of action. An hour later--presto! Feel completely euthymic. Motivated to work. Even laughed at something on the TV. Feel totally fine. Better than in weeks.

Already on a pretty good dose of Wellbutrin and two mood stabilizers. Not sure where else to go. Cymbalta is the only other AD that has ever worked for me. Even MAOIs were worthless for me. I've been on maybe 12 or 13 ADs over the years. So, probably will just have to ride this out. Never had it in summer before, I don't think.

Pretty sure I would do awesomely on ketamine, but I am self-pay, so, not an option. You can buy it on the black market for super cheap, kids use it to get high, which it just insane. Who in their right mind would want to dissociate and get serotonin syndrome? That's like, fun?

So, more exercise. Meditate. Pray. Try to make myself do things I don't want to do. It always helps me to take some kind of action. Clean, dishes, laundry. Actually, am doing laundry right now for first time in week. embarassing.

The laundry thing is nothing to be embarrassed about. If there weren't others in my household, I'd be flippin' sides to my undies about now. I know... that was gross.

I just wanted to say that I don't have a lot of experience, except with the depression... I feel like that's been my whole life in training. I'll be here if you want to hit my PMs. Don't be afraid to reach out, even if you just feel like you need to vent. I'll be happy to listen. You've done enough for me so far!

Thanks a million, swimmingly. I just might do that.

In the last two days I saw my T and pdoc. My T helped me understand what might be happening to me emotionally. My PTSD has been triggered. It was an intense conversation, but I felt better for it.

My pdoc explained how some people with long-term severe PTSD end up with illnesses like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as I have. He thinks my bad flare-up that has lasted nearly six months so far will ease with time if I rest, pace myself, and avoid stress where possible. He just can’t say when that will happen. He explained the physiological mechanisms behind the physical illnesses. Basically, high stress and trauma for prolonged periods wrecks your nervous system and endocrine system. I knew most of this but it was encouraging to hear some people have improved after being in my position.

On the plus side my emotions are calming down and I don’t need a med change. Unfortunately, I need to have blood tests for Lithium levels plus thyroid, liver and kidney function. Just another thing to add to the to do list. I feel more peaceful today, and a little more hopeful. I’m lucky to have such good professional support. After decades of crap support I know how important it is to have the right T and pdoc. They’ve saved my life.

A little bit of hope and some support are wonderful things, Wander. I am glad things are looking a bit upward.

My mild depression continues. It's set in for the Summer. I won't feel "up" til Fall. Lots of days relaxing ahead. Plenty of time to wallow in my home and my bed with my dog.

I felt unhappy and ordered a dinner. I didn't like it so i ordered another dinner! A fool and her money are soon parted.

@bpcyclist: I'm in the same boat with laundry. I do it eventually but i sure am good at procrastinating. I call it "The Laundry Crisis." I used to have "The Dishes Crisis" too but i use disposable when depressed. It's wasteful but it was getting to be a health hazard. I'm overdue for a shower also but i have a nice sunhat and don't socialize so it doesn't matter that much.

I lost four out of five Scrabble games today. I played okay, i was just outscored. I'm actually doing well with my goal of "thinking" in the game and playing higher-scoring common words rather than just knee-jerk slapping down my lower-scoring obscure words i've studied and memorized. So i'm not unhappy with the day's play. I'm probably the only player whose game has improved as she's studied LESS. I got NOSHING for 83. GRANNIES for 80!

I feel like my life is virtually over.

last night I found out that my online support group for incontinence sufferers was closing, meaning that I have lost over 90 percent of my friends (most of my friends I made through that group), and I am now back to a laughing stock- rather than having people that understand what I go through, people look at me now and are like.. wow, really?. that's gross!. and I'm actually feeling really bitter about it I just want to lie their and smell. but I showered today (even though it caused me great pain), and I had a fresh fruit salad- which like I've said before I try to eat more to have a healthy start to the day. but I am doing nothing today, I have no plans, and I generally feel like a big part of my life has just been ripped away

Depressed still. I wish I weren't so depressed. It's been 2 weeks on this med and... nothing. However, the med does take approx 2-4 weeks to kick in, so I have to wait at least another 2 weeks before I ditch it. But man, I thought yesterday was a good day because I was feeling less depressed, but now it's even worse today than it was all week.

Sorry for whining. I just don't feel well and wish there were something I could do about this stubborn depression. I know I need IOP, so thank you, @wildflowerchild25 and @falcon09, for letting me know about virtual and in-person IOP programs. I think I'd be more comfortable with virtual even though I know in-person would be more effective.

While I research different IOP programs here, I will ask to see my therapist 2x a week in the interim. I hope she doesn't get pissed for wasting her time though. Or taking up appointment slots that other people could use.

I don't know why your regular therapist would mind you continuing sessions while you attend an IOP/PHP. I'd think it would be helpful. You don't know unless you ask. In my view, I would see that as a favor to her, too. You pay her.

I didn't see my then regular therapists when I was in IOP/PHPs, mostly because I never felt the benefit/comfort in doing so. I did, however, continue seeing my regular psychiatrist now and then, while in IOP/PHP. That may seem strange since he wouldn't prescribe during those times (to create a conflict with the IOP/PHP pdocs), but I felt seeing him, despite, was still valuable. I really adore my psychiatrist and felt keeping him in the loop was helpful. Seeing him was a comfort to me. Probably most psychiatrists wouldn't go for that arrangement. I don't believe that most people have such a bond with their psychiatrist. I think many do, however, with their therapist.

My therapist works at the PHP place I go to that's how I met him

Before IOP I was “seeing” (virtually) my therapist 2-3 times a week. She’s very accommodating to me, we’ve been together for five years. I can also text her to ask for an appointment or so she can remind me of skills I can use. I texted her in a panic the day before I went into IOP that I was very suicidal and I didn’t know what to do. She made an opening for me to discuss a safety plan. She pushed me to go to psych emergency but I refused because I knew they would hospitalize me. Honestly if it weren’t for covid I would have gone. But thankfully I didn’t really need to because RS was holding my meds which was the only viable plan.

As for it being more helpful in person, I don’t necessarily think that’s true. The only difference I see is that people talk over each other more because it’s hard to read facial expressions to know when someone’s about to talk. I call in from my phone rather than video chat because I hate how fat my face looks lol.

Anyway definitely do some research.

I feel a bit hopeless and discouraged right now. I don’t really know what I need. I’m just worried about the covid test coming back positive and I’m worried about some other things.