Bipolar check-in #48

Hi all. I have not been on a walk in over a week! I will go tomorrow morning! I just have to!

Sleep is still messed up. I shouldve gotten up when I first woke up instead of lazing in bed! I really need to change this. Seriously. But at least I'm not short on sleep and I went to bed at a decent hour last night. Having my first cup of coffee at almost 2 pm? Not so smart but not the worst thing ever.

I’ve been feeling pretty stable all day today. I’ve had a good amount of caffeine. A Mountain Dew, an iced coffee, and a Diet Coke, and I haven’t had any anxiety meds yet. I’ve noticed a difference in my anxiety and my moods. I wondering if it’s the increase in Geodon. I may have to go to my primary tomorrow because I have all these painful red bumps on my back and chest. But I’m trying not to stress over it. At least I don’t feel like guzzling melatonin anymore.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life (God, I hope not. Lol!). Today IS however my first day working at amazon. I have mixed emotions about it but a paycheck is a paycheck. I gotta do something until a teaching position comes available. It’ll all work out. Besides, I expect to be in the best shape of my life soon with all the walking I’m expecting.

I woke up this morning and realized how many days I've been in this dysphoric/depressive mixed episode and its really just taken all the energy out of me. I just wish I was getting some hope at some point of this. I just feel like I'm scraping and the SI is so vivid and almost like I'm outside my body. It really sucks.

Sending what little vibes I have out to those who need it

I'm so glad things are starting to look up for you, Marcus Aurelius!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Polibeth Husband and I had a productive talk tonight regarding his outburst over me not working and him not appreciating what I do around the house/for him. I think we really made some progress but we need to keep the lines of communication open.

I'm so glad that the two of you were able to have a talk. I'm not sure there's anything meaner than telling someone that they are not being productive.

Well I woke in a rage-y mood right off the bat, I told Steve yesterday I am calling Lawyers on Monday to get an idea of cost of a will and medical POA's . Second marriages always make wills tricky, he has 3 boys and I just have my daughter. I think if we both were to die next week that his boys should get 50% and my daughter the other 50% . No he feels it should go 25% to each. Then the will its self will get messy, If he dies and I stay here until I die is fine but he mentioned in the past that I should give the boys there 75% of what I get out of the place if I sell I may not be able to stay here and fix anything that needs repaired myself or be able to pay someone to do it and maybe one day I cant live alone.. So yeah I will have to live off my SSDI and he does have a very small life insurance for me ... This is going to be a giant cluster F !!!

Today we found our hot water tank is leaking and has to be replaced, We have decided to go with a tankless unit. so 350 and up and up and up

I dropped my phone and despite have the tempered glass on it it shattered my screen so I found a well reccomended guy local that can fix it Tuesday 90.00

It feels like there is something in my throat blocking things, It always feels like there are like a bunch of pills stuck, Same whether I eat or drink. This has been going on for a while, getting worse tho, I have a nodule on my thyroid and have for years that we monitor yearly, But with COvid everything is on hold for non emergent testing since our numbers doubled since yesterday. maybe there is a turnip or potato growing in there.

So from the first day of this god awful year its been one thing after another and another.. I'm exhaused mentally and physically, I want to throw my hands up and walk away from my life.. I'm just so done with it all... I'm safe so noone worry.. I am just so over Every God Damn Thing

I love you. A lot. And I’m terribly sad about how life is treating you right now. I’m here anytime.

I think I'm having a mixed episode. Totally normal for the time of year but ugh. It's hard because I have reason to be sad and even situationally depressed. But this is going over the top. I missed a night of sleep and couldn't nap 2 days ago which is never, ever a good sign but last night I slept very soundly. So I don't know.

My clothes washer is broken and my cat had an accident and I'm just not coping well with those simple things.

I talk to my pdoc and therapist tomorrow. Hopefully they can help. I'm hoping that I don't have to do a few day pulse of clozapine. It makes me so sleepy, even with a tiny dose. But it's my best bet if I am cycling. Which I am. I'm just hoping to stop it without meds.

I am sorry, swimmer. You should tell the pdoc about that SI, he may want to add something.

Hugs!!!!

Struggling with anxiety today. I was supposed to meet up with my community nurse this morning but I just couldn’t leave my apartment. 😕

Yesterday I managed to leave my apartment to attend my niece’s 15th birthday party. I hadn’t seen my sister since COVID -19 so it was lovely to see her. I did find my anxiety difficult to deal with so I spent the party avoiding most of the people attending.

I really need to get a grip on this anxiety. I’m supposed to meet up with my pdoc on Wed morning so I just HAVE to be able to leave my apartment. It will be the first time I’ve seen her in months. I’m looking forward to seeing her whilst dreading going out.

Hugs to those who need them.

Today has been a difficult day. My swings into depression are getting worse. I just realized that I am out of CBD tablets, so this is not helping. I had a few espressos and cigars, which helped. I am thinking of getting a marijuana card. I am not interested in getting high. There are different strains of marijuana, that includes different amounts of CBD and other chemicals. I understand that if I get the right strain, I can benefit from it. So it is worth a try.

I was feeling lonely so i went outside to visit with my one close neighbor but she wasn't there. There was another woman around my age that i haven't met before. I was undecided about what to do but she was alone and i thought 'maybe she is lonely too.' So i went up and introduced myself and we chatted for a few minutes. Turns out we moved into the building the same year! It wasn't really satisfying tho. But i am glad i took the initiative. I rarely do. Glad i met with acceptance. The problem was mostly a third woman showed up and they knew each other and talked to each other and cut me out. Well, i tried.

It seems like it's not enough just to have some random chat. I don't feel connected with just that. It's pretty rare that i feel connected. I guess you have to start somewhere tho?

Hugs to all who struggle!

I know you are overwhelmed, Christina. I hope you got some sleep last night. Inheritance crap is just a huge PITA. Do what you believe is right. The end.

Love--

Hey, Pooky--anxiety is rough, so sorry about that. Does the Seroquel help? You are on relatively few meds--what about having some Klonopin around for emergencies?

I urge caution with the MJ, it isa quite comon cause of psychosis in us.

Good job, whatever!!

Having to be careful about bedtime, since Albert is ready to party at first light--super early here.

Okay day yest., not hideous, so, thankful for that. Baby steps. Need to try to work some today, if possible. Hopefully, my tube comes today, so I can ride. Perfect day out there.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!

Just FYI cbd without thc is actually anti psychotic in nature....

So, I started my job at amazon. Well it’s like you’d expect. It’s not hard but it’s boring. 10 hours of walking around, finding an aisle, finding a bin, finding an item, put it in cart; repeat. Last night I played a game with myself to go as fast as possible but realized little time passes that way. Nothing counts against me right now and for 2 weeks (that is, time, accuracy etc) so I really should just take my time. I talked 7.1 mi yesterday according to my phone. I’m not exhausted but 10 hours of work exhausts my mind lol. I hate thinking about it but I’m 1/4 done with my work week!

I saw my doctor today. It wasn’t my regular doctor and they didn’t tell me that on the phone. Which annoyed me. There I was in the exam room and a totally different guy just comes in and introduces himself to me by his first name. It took me off guard and I felt like he was a bit uncomfortable by me. But he said I have folliculitis. Not caused by the Wellbutrin. And he gave me a prescription. He just irked me a bit. It’s like he was acting professional and friendly because he had to be. Also I was annoyed that I wasn’t told on the phone that I’d be seeing a different doctor.

Having a very rough day at work. Cried (I was the only one there at that time). I felt set up for failure. Which very much bothers me. Don't expect me to do something with NO room for error that I have a lot of trouble understanding and have very, very little experience with!!

REALLY hoping it improves....

Sigh.

therapist at PHP tested positive for covid

Hope today was a one and done and tomorrow will get back on track

Just read my township’s plan for reopening schools. They will most likely be doing a hybrid reopening, meaning that they will split the student body into thirds and each group will go on a different day of the week. So only two full school days a week. Where does that leave me? I can’t afford full time care for my son for the other three days. I don’t have any family that doesn’t work, except my grandmother who lives 35 mins away and is uncomfortable driving long distances. If I took him up there I’d have to get him there at like 7am in order to get to work on time. I mean it could work but only if she keeps my grandfather in long term care, which is not currently the plan.

Ugh. This on top of all of my other discoveries/self reflections have just made my head feel like it’s imploding. I have my therapist tomorrow and I’m going to try to work with her to figure out which issue to tackle first. It’s just too much too fast.