Bipolar check-in #48

My pdoc is increasing my Wellbutrin to 450.

She says I should keep exercising, maybe do the cycling and some other aerobic exercise every other day. I have no idea what that could be. I can't run because of knee problems. Maybe I do a bunch of pushups or something.

Fall is nice but I think spring is my season. It has become so short now. We used to transition into summer over 2 months but now we go from snow on the ground to really warm in a couple of weeks!

I can take winter ok but the snow ugh! I HATE scraping my car clean!

You and me both! Scraping the ice off sux! How about when my windshield wipers were encased in ice!

That would make for a long night!

Flip them off the windshield and put tub socks on them. Boom !

Ha! I think I will!

All this talk about changing of seasons has me a little concerned. I’m doing much better about driving at night, especially with well lit areas or clear lines on the road, but once winter gets here I feel like I’m gonna have a serious issue. I was a school teacher in rural Kentucky. If there was a dusting of snow school was called off. I’ve never had to try to drive on snow or ice before. And getting dark at like 4pm is also something I’m not looking forward to. I don’t guess there’s a way to “practice” before time comes. I’m really getting ahead of myself— my situation may change before any of that becomes an issue; but the be honest I don’t see that happening— the change that is. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it (ironically, I cross a bridge into another state every time I go to work. Lol)

I am so sorry, Marcus.

Look, we are all in your corner. We all support you and love you. I pray for you every single night and have for weeks. You have many wonrous, beautiful people who care deeply about you. Just cuz you do not physically see us does nto mean we do not love you and do not receive valuable support.

My entire family and 98% of all friends and biz associates totally abandaned me when I became psychotic and announced I was Jesus and ruinning for president, among many other outrageous things I did and said. So, I get love and support from people who love and support me. A lot of that is here and it works for me. Yes, I would prefer more IRL pals, but, I have a very loving ex, a loving daughter, and the best dad on the planet and I am so grateful for what I do have. Hundreds of patients at our state hospital receive no calls, no mail, and zero visits, often for decades. And many are treatment-resistant and very, very sick. I was there for 5 years.

Read Man's Search For Meaning if you can. It will inspire you to see how a Jewish MD survived the holocaust and thrived. Excellent for providing a valuable perspective on our own stuff.

Hugs and peace.

I forget when you started the Wellbutrin, but it does often work pretty fast, esp. compared to all the brutally slow ones. You can go up to 450, so you have got some headroom. Stay with it. I really think this is going to help you.

Hugs.

Honestly, Scoot, the best exercise ever inented is walking. Low-impact, aerobic, lose weight, help type II DM. On and on. I would slowly start walking If I could not ride the bike.

I went thirsty all day because I was too paranoid to call for food delivery but I did stay by myself today (sounds stupid but big deal for me) and didn't want to SH for grounding and didn't text my husband and didn't hide! I was scared and did go to sleep for awhile but I was home alone for 7+ hrs . I wanted to cry I was so scared and it sounded like someone was drilling the door lock at one point but I made it through without taking my sleeping prn.

Theres no such thing as too much coffee.........

What are ur current antipsychotics? Doses? ever tried Trilafon?

another night with no sleep.

day of high pain

honestly not great..

Very sorry, vortex. Me, too. 48 1/2 hours now with maybe 90 minutes of total sleep. Ugh. Not remotely tired in the least.

My weight loss effort is still going very well. I know that my mental health is playing a major role in that. Most all of my past successful efforts were during healthier mental health periods. So, my main goal is to maintain my current stability and not overdo anything that would threaten it.

I do have a potentially stressful period immediately ahead of me, starting in a couple days. It doesn't have to break me down. I have ideas about how to manage it. Self reminders, pre-planning, and actual implementation is key.

It has come to light that my husband and pretty much his entire remaining department's colleagues might be laid off in October. This will be the fourth threat since March. People were laid off, or otherwise voluntarily left, during those times. It's a horrible feeling always feeling threatened and not knowing enough about the future for comfort. The good thing is that we have done some planning, because of the previous threats. That's more than others had, prior to this. This stressor is a different one than the one referenced in the previous paragraph. In both cases, as odd as this sounds, I just wish they'd happen already so we could work on moving on.

I told my therapist that I feel more comfortable about the future than I have for several years, despite how upending it could be. I hope that remains. Throw it all at me now, if it must be.

What are ur current antipsychotics? Doses? ever tried Trilafon? I'm currently on abilify 20 mg. I have not tried trilafon.

Just another day. Nothing seems to be going right in any regard. I know I have you all as a support, but I feel isolated and vulnerable. You’d think I’d get over the little things— like minor inequities and injustice. Or just not let negativity drive my “car”. I just don’t have the energy to fight with it anymore. At least today is the last day of my work week. I don’t think I’ll be spending it doing anything but sleeping.

Sometimes I even question why I stick around here. I contribute little and complain a lot. I either need to change that. Or change that. Lol. This place can be “triggering” for me. One bad experience and everything is seen through the light of that. Sometimes I’d do anything to have the ability to not just let go, but to forget.

Low self esteem, despression, hard times, limited support and resources, and mental and physical exhaustion. None of this is idea, but it is what it is and I have to face it head on. I talk to my pdoc tomorrow and I don’t even know what to tell him. I mean; medicine can only do so much. It’ll probably just be a “do you need refills?” Kinda thing. Call it the depression talking, but I don’t see much difference in tweaking a med I just started taking or the others at this point.

For those of you who think about me and keep me in your prayers — thank you. I don’t know any of you on a personal level yet you still show such concern for me. That’s not something I take lightly. Sincerely, thank you. I may lose sight as to the realities of what this forum is or how it works, but I won’t forget the kindness of you guys towards me.

It almost feels like a light switch went on. I feel much better mentally then I did these last few days. Yesterday I was so moody towards family and completely unresponsive towards my therapist and my Pdoc. Usually I don’t let Pdoc see that side of me but yesterday I just couldn’t really control myself. I think it was that fake PMS I get. I am not ravenous the way I have been these past number of days. So I am suspecting PMS. I went to the grocery store this morning and got vegetables and fruit and chicken and stuff like that. I’m hoping to get back on track with my diet.

I was headed 4 Clozaril but tried the Trilafon at 2 tid and it is a total miracle 4 my psychosis. No sedation.

I've written here about my trouble with getting upset playing Scrabble. Well, i've found a way to make it work for me. I play a bot, unrated with an hours time allowance. It still passes the time and exercises my mind. I get to play with no pressure. It's a lot more pleasant. And in honor of bipolar i made the play today: MOODIER!

This is my first check in. I'm going to be honest, because I rarely am about how I really feel.

I feel lost. I feel self-hatred and I feel devastated. I have such a hard time sleeping and when I eat too much I hate myself more. I punished myself with walking 15 km despite working 11 hours.

My relationship is not good. We've argued for days he even called for a break and we tried to work it out but he's being really weird.

I know I'm probably stupid for not taking meds, but I hated the weight gain and anxiety it gave me. I've worked so hard losing nearly 20 kilos (43 lbs) and it makes me feel better knowing that I look better.

I feel hopeless and lost. I just don't know what to do. I have a work therapist, but she's on maternity leave, so I have no contact right now.

I'm sorry if this is not where to post this. I'm new and I just need to let it all out

Hey, Dawn. Think I said hi on Intro. thread. Very sorry for ur struggles

Do u have bp1 or 2?

Generally, only a very few people w bipolar disorder can thrive off meds. Pretty rare. The problem is, the bipolar brain is profoundly abnormal even when euthymic. There is great difficulty handling life stressors without causing episodes. Actually. The longer u have it, the more likely little stresses cause massive flares.

Exercise is mandatory. It mitigates depression, thickens the brain, and allows damage to heal. Keep it up.

Meds that r very good and fairly wt.-neutral include Abilify and Geodon. Both good. Lithium is the gold standard and causes the brain to thicken and heal. If I were u, I wld start lithium and Abilify. Other people will have other thoughts

Gd. Luck 2 u!!

Hugs.

[QUOTE=bpcyclist;6900978]Hey, Dawn. Think I said hi on Intro. thread. Very sorry for ur struggles

Do u have bp1 or 2?

Generally, only a very few people w bipolar disorder can thrive off meds. Pretty rare. The problem is, the bipolar brain is profoundly abnormal even when euthymic. There is great difficulty handling life stressors without causing episodes. Actually. The longer u have it, the more likely little stresses cause massive flares.

Exercise is mandatory. It mitigates depression, thickens the brain, and allows damage to heal. Keep it up.

Meds that r very good and fairly wt.-neutral include Abilify and Geodon. Both good. Lithium is the gold standard and causes the brain to thicken and heal. If I were u, I wld start lithium and Abilify. Other people will have other thoughts

Gd. Luck 2 u!!

Hugs.[/QUOTE

Hey! Yes we said hi before

I'm BP 2 so it's "easier" but I've read if you've had hypomania more than a week it is technically mania? I had an episode that lasted 3 weeks and they were on the verge of hospitalise me.

I am scared of meds because I gain weight so easily. As I also have a muscle disease things in my body feels better with less weight on me. Like my acth is actually at a normal level and so is my prolactine.

But I've read a lot lately that things sets off easier the longer you have it. I've probably had it for a long time, but only been diagnosed a year and learning so much.

What is ablify?

Welcome, Dawn Miller. I'm glad you joined us.

I know that losing weight on certain bipolar medications can be extremely difficult, but there are some that are more weight neutral. I am worried that your moods will suffer even more if you don't take care of your mental health. Can you talk to your psychiatrist/prescriber about more weight neutral options? Some medication is usually better than none. I realize that some doctors are set in their ways, but we must sometimes be very assertive about what we need and what we are willing to tolerate.

Some mood states, themselves, are hard on my health and physical figure. If I'm depressed, I have a real tendency to want to fill in that hole left inside me, or think it will help boost my energy, when it often doesn't. In those cases, I must receive better treatment for my bipolar. When I do, and am on a more weight friendly mix, it then becomes much easier to lose weight and keep myself healthy.

Is there anyone at the office of your therapist who could assist you at all, in her absence? Is it possible to seek a new person for medication management?