Pulling away when depressed

I'm pulling away from here, and everywhere. I want to say **** therapy and meds. I haven't completed my mood chart in about a week. I'm not suicidal but I'm not happy. I just have this I'm done feeling. Does anyone else get that? How do you push through it?

I am sorry you are struggling. Yes, I have had this feeling a number of times where I just had reached my limit. Problem is, what am I going to do? Stop all my meds in protest to prove to the world and God how unjust this has all been? I did that once and it was a disaster.Am I made my life has been so hard? It has, but what about 4 year-olds who have to have bone marrow transplants? Is that fair or easy for a precious little girl to deal with? Of course not.

So, I usually pull myself back. Blow off some steam. And try to identify and then address specific issues. Is my depression inadequately managed? Am I hypomanic (Yes, I am right now, actually). etc. Then, I try to ask for and get help approaching these very specific issues with a very specific plan. Med change, more aerobic exercise, even if just walking, which is terrific. Add a group, add more therapy, add more time on PC. Paint, write, blow glass, whatever. Meditate more or harder, I just added that a month ago. Really helping me. I also decided to start running again, even though I ride the bike up to 800 miles a month. I think it will help me with my depression more. exercise is my elixir.

I find taking the perspective of other human beings very helpful when I am at the end of the rope, as it usually reminds me I have a lot to be thankful for. I don't live under the Taliban. I am not a woman in Iran or a Uighur in the PRC. I do not have MS. On and on. That perspective helps me turn my negativity around and then proactively tackle my issues, one by one, best I can. Has it been super, super difficult for decades? Yep. But my dad always said, "Cyclist, nobody ever said life was fair."

All I got. Hugs.

I am sorry you are going through this. What I do is get up everyday and make it through as much of my day as possible. So for example, with going to work, my rule for myself, even when I have FMLA, is I can’t access whether I can make it through the day (Mentally not physical illness) until I am there. I do this for two reasons. Sometimes once you get going it’s not as bad and my other reason is when you lay in bed all day it gets harder and harder to stay awake. Even if all you can do is get out of bed and go sit in a chair, it’s a start. In regards to being around others, I try not to cut people out completely but I also don’t make elaborate plans to cancel. With meds, I did go off those for a while. It wasn’t a great plan but it did get me on something that is working better. I hope you start feeling better soon.

I have definitely had such experiences, too. I even wrote about it in my blog, in the past. It is a frequently visited post people find through search engines, because the topic is so relatable not only to people with bipolar disorder, but also their friends and family members.

Quitting meds is usually a pretty risky action, but just stepping away from the disorder, in a sense, has been restorative for me, at times. Some alone time, and distance from the disorder, can help us realize life we've been missing out on. That's not to say I would recommend always being "off the map", but it can become a positive reset sometimes.

If you are taking a break from others and thinking about bipolar disorder, I hope you find a rewarding activity to enjoy that you hadn't been before. I wouldn't recommend quitting meds without a discussion with your psychiatrist. Taking meds can be just a 30 second moment. It doesn't have to encompass a day. Also, if you think this "break" will concern others, you might consider sending a simple email or text explaining your need for this type of "vacation" or period of quiet self reflection or other alone time. People do worry.

When my own depression gets bad (worse than it normally is anyway) I just want to be left alone. (Actually I mostly want to be left alone anyway.) It's actually a fairly serious bone of contention, so to speak, between my spouse & I because she can't stand to leave me alone during those times. I suppose she's afraid of what I might do to myself... which probably isn't an irrational thought on her part given my history.

I've also gradually pulled away from PC somewhat over time. Some time ago I closed my public message board on my profile page. Then more recently I locked out my private messaging system. And, most recently, after losing our beloved Schnoodle to a combination of kidney disease & old age, I stopped frequenting the Games forum here on PC. I just don't seem to have any enthusiasm for it now. I am making myself keep up with some of the posts in the other forums though. I just make myself do it. That's my only strategy. I just make myself do what I need to do.

Best wishes...

Is my depression inadequately managed? I don't think it is I have this numb, I'm about to cry feeling. I don't see pdoc for another month and honestly I don't think he'll care. If anything He'll be mad I didn't call when but I wasn't a danger to anyone. It kinda just comes with the territory for me but he doesn't know me. I kinda want to sink into comfortable sleepy depression not this insomnia, anxiety ridden, negative thoughts,,, kind of depression. Semi psychotic thing I'm in now.

I see T in a week and even though she says she doesn't deal with meds I need to have a serious conversation with her, I don't remember why I bothered getting back on medication. Pdoc will want me on the shot again if become noncompliant again. I don't want long times between appointments even if not medicated because if/when I decide I'd rather take meds then go to the hospital I'd rather it not be an appointment months way. At the same time if I'm not on meds I'm taking the spot of someone who needs their meds adjusted.

It's not just pdoc/meds I want to ditch but T too. even though we're close I wont tell her unless really bad what I'm experiencing. She doesn't know why I went off meds or why I went back on meds. now I don't either. I don't think she knows when I'm alone I hear things and want to ground using SH. because I call it anxiety. She does constantly remind me I have a very serious/ severe mental illness. So I think she's prepped to hear anything from me.I just don't feel I'm making progress. My husband can't be around 24/7. Hell the only break he gets from me is when my family is around and when I'm hospitalized.

Yeah, I do that a lot. I'm a pretty solitary person by nature but even more so when depressed. It's a combination of reasons I think. A need to be alone but also a lack of energy to interact with other people. I also just get really tired of trying to convey how I'm doing, and besides I don't think anyone cares and they'll just get sick of my bs if they aren't already. Even my wife gets annoyed with the mood episodes and I don't think people who haven't experienced it truly believe that it's out of my control. I don't believe they truly care no matter how much they pretend they do. Everyone's too caught up in their own crap. The only person I really talk to is my therapist, but she probably doesn't really care either, she's just paid to pretend. When I do try to talk to someone else and I can see that uncomprehending look, it's worse than not saying anything at all.

I don't think pulling away is unusual when we feel "done." I feel done a lot of the time, especially since I've been in my 50's. And pulling away is my instinctive reaction and frankly, it feels better to me. I don't tend to pull away from online interaction, but having talking, moving people in my presence can be grating.

What do I do...I make a conscious decision not to dwell on feeling done. I just notice it: Hm, yeah, there it is again; I feel done. Well, the floor needs to be mopped, then I'll lie on my bed, turn some music on, and do some reading. I'll be sure to practice at least 5 minutes of mindful breathing, even though I don't particularly want to, or not want to; it's just something I need to do.


By then it'll be early evening and my husband will be here, I'll spend a couple of hours visiting with him, he'll leave (we don't live together). And then the night will be here and I'll look out my window and see the beautiful moon. I'll be glad I'm alone with my cats, and I'll relax, read some more, and sleep.

That's about it.

I thought the shot worked really well for you. Why do you want to avoid it? Or am I remembering wrong?

Everyone pulls away when depressed , thats just the way it works.

You have been struggling hard for a long time, Meds can help but your always struggling to take consistantly. So you have to put structure in your life, Force yourself to do XYZ daily. No excuses and not just for a week or two, but every day.

As for feeling suicidal which is bad enough but feeling homicidal ??? How can feeling that be okay in any way shape or form ??? Well If that doesnt get your attention that you NEED medication for your own safety but for those of your family .....then I dont know what to say????

I really hope you find a way to feel better but meds can only do so much

I completely agree with @~Christina that structure is important. I always make a protein shake when I get up. Call my friend and chat for a bit. Make my bed. Do something related to housing. Tomorrow I am going grocery shopping. My problem, though, is that I need to get up at a regular time. I have alarms set but my internal body clock just doesn't hear them- it says "Nope! Not six. Twelve!" And that's my biggest problem.

I'm currently on medication consistently for the past 3-ish month. thought the shot worked really well for you. Why do you want to avoid it? It requires me to go to the center 1x a month and currently I don't want to do that. I hate inconveniencing my husband, large crowed (especially now) plus I have to take other meds anyway, If I remember correctly I was having break through symptoms (not like I'm not now).

How can feeling that be okay in any way shape or form ??? I tend to blow it off as it's just a thought. I have tons of ****ed up thoughts. My H knows. I know I need meds, I don't want meds and honestly I don't think these are working well enough. I know meds can only do so much but how do you know the spot where over medicated and under medicated and just this is just me?

Well I am gonna be blunt here, since I have known you so many years now and you have always said to tell you what I see and think so ..........

You always use the excuse you don't want to bother your husband to make the ONE trip a month needed to get a shot, I think that is your Bipolar excuse maker... If he knows that you have suicidal and/or homicidal thoughts I am thinking he would be more that thrilled to take you ONCE a month for a shot that did help you, Yes you have breakthrough , but you were not compliant with oral medication(s)

I think for you.... You enjoy the feeling of no meds , you can detach from your husband and son, You can have zero responsibility for anything..

Mental illness, just like with a drinking or drug addiction ... Excuses can be churned out non stop until you truly decide you want a better life for yourself and for your family..

I wish somehow you could figure out that you are doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome.

If I ever once had a nano second thought about harming a loved one or ANYONE I would have my butt planted in a Pdocs chair and accept and take anything he or she thought was right.

I truly hope you ask for help and for once follow through on a treatment plan.

Good luck

I talked to my husband. He told me I can't skip meds. (I skipped last night) I don't normally skip. I want meds that work for me or no meds, currently my meds are not working. (my head is loud, I'm not real, and am numb but want to cry at the same time.) I'm no longer suicidal (a couple of days) or homicidal (3 weeks). H wants me to write down 5 things I really want. one can be no meds. I HATE being a burden to my husband and yes he complained all the time about going there. He did say he'll do it if that's what me and the Dr. decide. He's going to be in the call this time so I don't argue but I advocate. Even if we don't change meds I need to see pdoc 1x a month and T 1x a week. This every three months thing makes it more likely I'm non-compliant. I don't know what 5 things I want to be the top issues. I don't think no meds are going to make the list **** I don't think not being numb is going to make the list. I want to be independent at least at home alone.

I think my depersonalization is coming from the fact I stayed home by myself for 7 hours and the majority of the time I was hearing someone drilling through our door to get in. I need to be able to either cook for myself or answer the door when home alone. It's not good for me not to eat or drink if left alone. I don't understand why I was more okay in WV then I am here. Maybe because I knew my neighbor was always home if I needed something.

I'm doing to have to have a serious conversation with my T she doesn't know I was homicidal or suicidal a couple of weeks ago. She knows I keep things from her. I'm not sure she even knows those thoughts can cross my mind. I've never had them depressed before but I felt that was the only option to our current situation. I've talked to her about the situation not my thoughts. I came up with a better temporary solution. She does say I have a very serious illness so maybe she realizes. I did say my mood was a 3 out of 10. 2 (for me is we have to talk about hospitalization), 1 (is hospitalization IS required) But I don't know if she knows my scale. Right now because I'm numb and not real I'd be a 5 maybe a 4.5 because my head is loud.

“Does anyone else get that?” — I live and breathe that entire post! I’m doing better now, but there was a time where I just gave up trying. I didn’t want to rebuild my life and I saw no reason to fight so hard just to achieve a “normal” feeling or live “normally”. I was so unhappy and I was just fed up with trying.

I’ve never shaken that feeling entirely, if we are to be honest and there are days it’s the predominant mentality and emotion that I feel. But what tends to help me is to remember I won’t always feel this way. No matter what, I can rely on that. Today I just can’t give a darn. As my therapist once told me — it sounds counterintuitive but let yourself feel these things, but qualify with “today” or “right now”.

For example: yesterday was horrible for me. I was frustrated and annoyed and scared..this medicine debacle and my mind and I fighting over it. I was absolutely ready to just throw it out the window and say f it. I gave up caring about it... for that moment. I came back later, calmer and made a decision to try to follow doctor’s orders.

So, if you’re fed up, you’re fed up. But say to yourself “I’m fed up...for now. I need to distance myself from these feelings for awhile.” — do something you enjoy or at least something to occupy your mind.

So my advice ? If you need to throw your hands up and say “I’m done!”, that’s totally ok, as long as you realize that feeling won’t last forever; and it’s a temporary “break” from what’s causing the issues. Trust me, there are days I say “ugh, I just can’t even.... today.” And leave open in your mind and heart that at sometime your perspective will change and the world and situation will be seen through a different lens.

Maybe it’s not the most practical advice but I find not trying to minimize my feelings, even the crappy ones, to be a big help emotionally. But please don’t take this the wrong way — you have to stay safe and that’s priority too. SH or suicidal feelings aren’t something to normalize. So with those things, don’t follow my advice. I’m talking about general emotions of being “fed up” particularly.

I hope this helps. Stay safe and always make that a priority for yourself and others.

MarcusAurelius

I'm trying to normalize it and remember I don't have to take action on it. I broke down yesterday because I want to see pdoc more not less. I think I'm having trouble with my treatment team changing. Even though it was just pdoc that has changed.