[wildflowerchild25]

I really worried. I really am. I feel like I might be imploding into myself. My brain was out of control today. Last night I didn’t sleep until 3:30am. At 2:15am I was in the kitchen making up 1oz sandwich bags of chips so I could stop over eating as much. I was flipping and flopping and prowling the house. I woke up at 7 and have not felt tired not once all day. Quick step, very gregarious.

Mostly my brain will not. Shut. Up. I was consumed with the thought of making chocolate chip cookies all day, which necessitated a trip to buy new cookie sheets. I came home and meticulously cleaned the entire kitchen but I never did end up making the cookies.

I know it has to be because of the abrupt halt of lamictal, but it is worrying. I started back on lamictal today. Didn’t feel comfortable plunging directly back into 300mg though, not on a weekday. Thankfully we have a long weekend so I have four days to work it out without fear of missing work.

I forgot just how awful it is to have thoughts racing around, crashing into each other like this. Stupid ****ing songs looping through my mind. Like just shut the **** up. And I’m hearing myself screaming at myself over and over RELAX DAMMIT RELAX and obviously that doesn’t help.

I never told RS about the scratches, actually forgot about them until yesterday because they’re not in my usual spot and thus out of sight, out of mind you know? Now I feel like it’s too late. I’m trying to keep my **** together because I am afraid of being berated and ridiculed and accused of doing it on purpose to hurt others. It’s happened all my life with every single other person. Why should RS be any different?

I don’t even know what I’m saying. I do know that tomorrow night I am taking extra seroquel if I still can’t sleep because I have off Friday so a med hangover isn’t a big deal.

[bizi]

What has helped in the past wild flower? Will you report this to your pdoc?
why the reduction of lamictal?
bizi

[bizi]

I live in the south...louisiana
Our air conditioner went out on us. We like to sleep at 70, the inside of the house is 74 and it is 70 outside. low tonight is 64 so it should cool the house by the morning. and then we are looking at colder raining weather the rest of the week. 30's for lows and 40's for highs.
rain/ice freezing at night we are not accustom to these colder temps.
here is the rain.
bizi

[Soupe du jour]

I have an appointment later this morning at the Ministry of Interior to apply for my long-term residence permit. Hubby and I already believe that it won't happen. It's likely that they will want to see a private health insurance coverage for me, for the time being, though Hubby thinks I can still qualify for the public right now. My appointment may just be an info session where they scold us for being unprepared. If that's the case, we'll be sure to be prepared next time. Or who knows. Maybe we can achieve our objective today. Bureaucracy is rampant here, and in many European countries.

I unpacked and washed a small percentage of my kitchen stuff, but nothing else. It's amazing how exciting little things can be. For example, I brought my entire spice/herb collection and unpacked them. I wish I had found my favorite two coffee mugs. Another day.

You can't imagine how I yearn for routine and organization. Chaos is brutal!

[Mountaindewed]

I got my blood tests back. My LP? He said it had something to do with my pancreas, was high. He said it was high before but now it’s higher. So he wants me to do a repeat of my CT scan. Then he also wants me to see a kidney doctor. So I guess my levels which kept getting higher finally warrants a kidney specialist now. And then he wants me to see the gastro doctor.

I’m glad I’m it’s not my mental health getting worse for no reason. That there’s actual physical stuff going on that’s making me feel like crap and unable to eat and makes me want to lie in bed all day.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I got my blood tests back. My LP? He said it had something to do with my pancreas, was high. He said it was high before but now it’s higher. So he wants me to do a repeat of my CT scan. Then he also wants me to see a kidney doctor. So I guess my levels which kept getting higher finally warrants a kidney specialist now. And then he wants me to see the gastro doctor.

I’m glad I’m it’s not my mental health getting worse for no reason. That there’s actual physical stuff going on that’s making me feel like crap and unable to eat and makes me want to lie in bed all day.

Gee, that sucks to have to see so many doctors and have more tests. I've been where you are in the past, though. Eventually the docs and tests will slow down. I just hope that you get your physical issues calmed, shortly.

I see a nephrologist (kidney doctor) because of damage from Lithium. Something else seems to be odd about some kidney-related test results, too. I'm not sure what is going on, but I don't think it always indicates something really bad. My nephrologist didn't seem that concerned, though he had ordered an ultrasound before I moved.

[Soupe du jour]

Luck has it that my trip to the Ministry of the Interior worked out well. I have a temporary residence permit. They make it look super official by some fancy stamps and a photo added to one of my passport pages.

I can't wait until the handymen are done and gone. I want my house to myself, finally. Tomorrow the movers return to unpack our stuff and take the boxes and wrapping materials away. I have no idea what to expect. I mean, are THEY going to choose where my stuff goes or unwrap it and leave it strewn on the floor? Some stuff needs to be washed.

The stress and chaos has affected my gastrointestinal system. I guess it's better that than also mood instability.

We got a brand new refrigerator today. It's much bigger than the lousy one the landlady provided. Hubby and I were cleaning it. Earlier in the day I asked Hubby how long it would be before we break one of the drawers. Well, it was only less than six hours. Hubby precariously placed a drawer on the counter. I turned around and my arm swiped it onto the tile floor and a bit broke off from it. Unlike usual, Hubby accepted some responsibility. I tell him all of the time not to put things in paths where I could trip, etc. He used to always say "Be more careful!" but if I could, the crap wouldn't happen anymore. It does.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by bizi

What has helped in the past wild flower? Will you report this to your pdoc?
why the reduction of lamictal?
bizi

I got very sick from lamictal on Monday after increasing the dose at the behest of my dr. I had to stop for 24 hours. I was afraid to just jump right in to the normal dose again bc I had work today. I didn’t want to be sick again.

I do feel less wound up today. I did fall asleep by midnight. I’m still unsettled though. Not depressed, not hypomanic, just disgruntled. However it could be hormonal too.

I just feel like everything is very out of control. This is new territory for me and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m wondering if it might be good for me to go back to IOP for a month or so, specifically in the trauma track. But I’m not sure if I can. Depends on if it’s virtual, if they have evening groups, etc.

[Moose72]

Stayed home most of the day- went to the pharmacy, then drove to the next closest town to pick up N3 and his girlfriend. Other than that I've been home all day. Got a shower and straightened my hair and put on sweats top and bottom. Feeling comfy and refreshed today. No new poems today. The dishwasher is running and I can hear it from my bed. It's a very soothing sound. I think I'll go to sleep soon.

[Soupe du jour]

The moving guys returned, but Hubby only let them unwrap furniture, and most all pieces are not in place. Perhaps most in the right rooms.

Our handyman asked to sleep on our futon instead of his inflatable mattress. Of course we said yes, but I confess I am jealous. The futon is far comfier than what Hubby and I are sleeping on.

I almost fell on the steps late last night. It will eventually happen. That is why we will have a ground floor bedroom. Now the second handyman is sleeping there on an inflatable mattress, while we're still upstairs.

So so much left to do. The handymen are painting the kitchen today. Once that's done I will concentrate on that.

Add on: About three hours later something happened (small in the scheme of things) that was just the last straw. I've been hiding under a down comforter I mercifully found. I don't plan to do anything for the rest of the day. Nothing.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

The moving guys returned, but Hubby only let them unwrap furniture, and most all pieces are not in place. Perhaps most in the right rooms.

Our handyman asked to sleep on our futon instead of his inflatable mattress. Of course we said yes, but I confess I am jealous. The futon is far comfier than what Hubby and I are sleeping on.

I almost fell on the steps late last night. It will eventually happen. That is why we will have a ground floor bedroom. Now the second handyman is sleeping there on an inflatable mattress, while we're still upstairs.

So so much left to do. The handymen are painting the kitchen today. Once that's done I will concentrate on that.

Add on: About three hours later something happened (small in the scheme of things) that was just the last straw. I've been hiding under a down comforter I mercifully found. I don't plan to do anything for the rest of the day. Nothing.

You've been so busy! You deserve a day off.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing good today. I got my CT scan set up for a week from Monday. Then I got my appointment for my kidney doctor set up for April something. I forget when the gastro doctor is set up for. Everyone is booked for awhile because Covid is pushing everything back. I heard that the pandemic will be the result of a lot of medical issues for people who would ordinarily be able to get to doctors sooner. I also got my haircut today. So that’s good. I’m doing ok though. I’m very tired and in pain but I took Tylenol a few minutes ago. Ever since I started my anti nausea med I haven’t been stressing at night with SI like I was before.

My subscription box came today while I was at the hair salon. I picked it up from the porch but I am too tired to look at it right now and when I got home I immediately sat down. I’ll probably go lie down in a bit.

I took 2 showers today. I never take 2 but I was kind of paranoid. I’ve heard sometimes you get a weird smell when your organs are acting up. I’m not sure that is true though. The cat yesterday came up to me and sniffed my shirt for a bit which he never did before. I believe cats and animals can sense when humans are not feeling right.

My other cat is so protective of my mom when anyone comes near her he gets jealous and he runs over and stands by her or sits on her lap. He’s funny.

[*Beth*]

I'm feeling emotionally stable, just experiencing terrible grief over the death of my sister-friend. It seems to feel harsher every day. Generally, Friday would be a day that I would call her. I was lying in bed talking to her last night, telling her how I'm feeling about her death. That was helpful.

Tomorrow my son and DIL are meeting my husband and I for lunch. Outdoors only, but the restaurant is nice and has outdoor heaters. I'm so excited; I haven't seen my son since covid began, a year ago.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm feeling emotionally stable, just experiencing terrible grief over the death of my sister-friend. It seems to feel harsher every day. Generally, Friday would be a day that I would call her. I was lying in bed talking to her last night, telling her how I'm feeling about her death. That was helpful.

Tomorrow my son and DIL are meeting my husband and I for lunch. Outdoors only, but the restaurant is nice and has outdoor heaters. I'm so excited; I haven't seen my son since covid began, a year ago.

I’m sorry about the loss of your friend and the grieving process you are going through.

I’m happy for you that you get to see your son and DIL tomorrow. That’s great.

[Scooter9]

My son caught covid, but it's mild. He's been away from home since before he caught it so there wasn't an issue with us catching it from him.

He's allowed to return home this Sunday, it'll be nice to see him again.

[Sunflower123]

I met my daughter today in another city today to exchange items and visit for Valentine’s Day. Both of our automated driving directions were faulty and we both got lost. I must admit my inner peace studies went out the window as did my Optimism course. I’m a work in progress. We eventually met up and had a wonderful visit. I’ll see her again in two-three weeks when she visits home.

The only sticky spot was my failure to get the physical and have the blood test since I’m on Lithium. She highly disapproves and let it be known. She was logical enough that I’ll schedule it for the next two weeks. I appreciate her caring.

I bought myself some beautiful flowers. I do that every year. Well, for pretty much every occasion. I do so love flowers.

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

My son caught covid, but it's mild. He's been away from home since before he caught it so there wasn't an issue with us catching it from him.

He's allowed to return home this Sunday, it'll be nice to see him again.

I’m glad your son is okay and that he’ll be home Sunday.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

...

The second is that one of my favorite musicians was outed for treating women badly. He was dropped from his record label and his management company. It just makes me sad that he's a dirtbag when his music is so sensitive. There might not be any more music from him. I've been listening to him for 23 years. He has bipolar. He denies the allegations but the damage is done.

...

Do you mean Marilyn Manson? I feel really bad about it, too.

[Moose72]

Wrote another poem but I'm not liking it. Its like two poems in one. Something doesn't sit right to me.

[Moose72]

I also went to my usual grocery store. For a month or so they've been tearing that place apart! I only know where I am because I walked around the perimeter or that SOME things haven't changed like a few aisles are the same- maybe 3?- and the milk is still in the same place and the produce and meats are still the same but other than the the whole store has moved things- and way across the store and the aisles are sideways a lot of them. Its just a guessing game where stuff is even though they have signs hanging up! The also moved the customer service desk . Come to think of it I'm surprised they haven't moved or gotten rid of the check out aisles- well they did take out all the candy and magazines from the check outs though. Maybe they are moving that too who the hell knows!

Anyway I just had to vent because I was there today- for 12 items mind you- and i forgot one! But at least I got the 12- I'll have to get the last one next time. Oh and I need to return my pop cans- if the bottle return is open! They have it closed at random times! If I take the trouble of bringing them in then I sure as heck don't want to bring them home again (or in the car).

[Soupe du jour]

I was talking to my husband about how long ago all of our house sale/moving chaos started. I mark all such things on my google calendar. We started planning our "reconnaissance trip" to Europe back in early August, which was when we first met with the realtor we eventually used. The trip to France and Czech Republic happened in September. Then the home improvements started, selling/donating stuff, cleaning up, house sale period, moving preparations, road trip, arrival in Europe again, time at s-i-l's, and finally the home improvements at our new home, which are still happening. And even before all of the above, the stress started in March with the pandemic, subsequent layoffs at my husband's workplace, and hell that caused the employees that were left. Also, the whole Trump crap, which extends further back yet. So, it will be a year of extreme stress soon. And of course the pandemic won't be over for a while.

The lead handyman keeps asking my husband why he looks unhappy, and if he's dissatisfied with the work they're doing. Hubby keeps telling them that we are thrilled, but that we're tired and stressed. Hubby does often exhibit such looks even under normal circumstances. I tend to be the one that compensates for that, being upbeat, but the language barrier and, frankly, my own stress makes that difficult. We truly do appreciate their help. However, I said to hubby that their long-term stay at our house makes me feel 50% like a guest in someone else's house and 50% like I'm hosting guests long-term. As of now, they're due to finally leave on Tuesday.

Something irking me is that in the mornings, recently, I say good morning (in Czech) to the handymen and they say nothing in return. When they see Hubby, they say it to him.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m tired and unmotivated today. I think I may have forgotten my Geodon because I found one in my sheets today and I didn’t see it there yesterday. But who knows. I don’t plan on taking it. I took a Xanax at 8:30 and that’s an unusual time for my anxiety to act up. So I most likely could have forgotten it. But today I am really bored and I can’t motivate myself to do anything but watch reruns of Head Of The Class.

I still haven’t been feeling the greatest but my new med is helping. I just googled the side effects and it can cause drowsiness. Which may be why I’m even more unmotivated than usual. Last night I woke up suddenly around 1:30 and I felt so sick. I took off a blanket and I felt better. I hope the doctors can figure out what’s wrong.

[Soupe du jour]

It's 7:30 pm right now and I'm upstairs in my house, while my husband and the two handymen are eating a dinner I prepared. I'm going to admit that I just couldn't take the stress anymore. I had wanted Hubby to take me to the store to get something for us all for dinner, but Hubby refused. Ordering delivery again just didn't seem like a good option. Hubby basically put all of the pressure on me to figure something out. I did come up with some dinner idea, but the recipe was only enough for three, not four, so I'm in bed hungry. Also, the recipe required two eggs per person and I only had five. Hubby gets one, the two guys each get two, and I get none. Yes, my choice, but my choice.

I would like to take a grenade and blow up the electric stove top in my new house. I despise the living hell out of it! Cooking with gas is 1,000 times better. Also, though today I did manage to find more kitchen stuff in boxes (I had to get kind of aggressive in demanding more **** be unpacked), but I still haven't found some major items, including a spatula. How in the heck do you turn eggs without a proper spatula? Especially sunny-side up eggs? I'm guessing that Hubby ended up scrambling them, which is totally wrong for the dish, but it's on him. Not me!

I'm hoping that this experience teaches Hubby that he shouldn't just ignore me when I say we need to go to the effing grocery store!

I gon't give two fiddler's Fs that tomorrow is Valentine's Day. It's no big deal to Czechs, anyway.

I've had it with my husband!

I almost had a nervous breakdown when I couldn't find the onions. Hubby looked for them and also couldn't find them, either. I was about to cry! Then one of the handymen found them. I made a lentil dish that is supposed to be topped with sunny-side up eggs. They don't contain black pepper because I still haven't found my four (yes four) pepper grinders. I did find peppercorns, but I wasn't up to smashing them with a mallet. I have my pestle, but can't find my mortar. The "ham" my husband ordered in the deli was smoked, but seemed to still be raw. I had to fry it. Normally I buy ham that is already cooked. The mere fact that I had to also cook the raw-arse ham, almost took me.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I also went to my usual grocery store. For a month or so they've been tearing that place apart! I only know where I am because I walked around the perimeter or that SOME things haven't changed like a few aisles are the same- maybe 3?- and the milk is still in the same place and the produce and meats are still the same but other than the the whole store has moved things- and way across the store and the aisles are sideways a lot of them. Its just a guessing game where stuff is even though they have signs hanging up! The also moved the customer service desk . Come to think of it I'm surprised they haven't moved or gotten rid of the check out aisles- well they did take out all the candy and magazines from the check outs though. Maybe they are moving that too who the hell knows!

Anyway I just had to vent because I was there today- for 12 items mind you- and i forgot one! But at least I got the 12- I'll have to get the last one next time. Oh and I need to return my pop cans- if the bottle return is open! They have it closed at random times! If I take the trouble of bringing them in then I sure as heck don't want to bring them home again (or in the car).

The store is still in chaos, huh? Geez. I hope they finish soon!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

It's 7:30 pm right now and I'm upstairs in my house, while my husband and the two handymen are eating a dinner I prepared. I'm going to admit that I just couldn't take the stress anymore. I had wanted Hubby to take me to the store to get something for us all for dinner, but Hubby refused. Ordering delivery again just didn't seem like a good option. Hubby basically put all of the pressure on me to figure something out. I did come up with some dinner idea, but the recipe was only enough for three, not four, so I'm in bed hungry. Also, the recipe required two eggs per person and I only had five. Hubby gets one, the two guys each get two, and I get none. Yes, my choice, but my choice.

I would like to take a grenade and blow up the electric stove top in my new house. I despise the living hell out of it! Cooking with gas is 1,000 times better. Also, though today I did manage to find more kitchen stuff in boxes (I had to get kind of aggressive in demanding more **** be unpacked), but I still haven't found some major items, including a spatula. How in the heck do you turn eggs without a proper spatula? Especially sunny-side up eggs? I'm guessing that Hubby ended up scrambling them, which is totally wrong for the dish, but it's on him. Not me!

I'm hoping that this experience teaches Hubby that he shouldn't just ignore me when I say we need to go to the effing grocery store!

I gon't give two fiddler's Fs that tomorrow is Valentine's Day. It's no big deal to Czechs, anyway.

I've had it with my husband!

I almost had a nervous breakdown when I couldn't find the onions. Hubby looked for them and also couldn't find them, either. I was about to cry! Then one of the handymen found them. I made a lentil dish that is supposed to be topped with sunny-side up eggs. They don't contain black pepper because I still haven't found my four (yes four) pepper grinders. I did find peppercorns, but I wasn't up to smashing them with a mallet. I have my pestle, but can't find my mortar. The "ham" my husband ordered in the deli was smoked, but seemed to still be raw. I had to fry it. Normally I buy ham that is already cooked. The mere fact that I had to also cook the raw-arse ham, almost took me.

I'm sorry you were having a rough go of it when you posted. Hopefully by now you've had something to eat.

Ugggh, electric stove? They are a pain in the azz. Gas is so much more efficient.