[wildflowerchild25]

Feeling unwell again today. Just depressed. Not deeply so, just a general haze. RS got me the special candy I like for Valentine’s Day but what I appreciated even more was when he went out (with a sore back, mind you) and chopped up all the ice near my car so I could make it there without slipping. He’s a gentleman.

I’ve about had it with the cold, gray weather. More ice tonight. More snow on Thursday, supposedly, but I’m not understanding how, temperature wise. Cold weekend. But after that we will start warming up; again, supposedly. And by warming up I mean getting into the mid 40s which still isn’t warm enough for me but a far cry better than the low 30s it’s been since mid January.

I have therapy tomorrow which I really don’t want to do. I don’t feel like talking. It’s just too much. I just want to retreat into my shell. Everyone leave me alone. I’m hiding in bed today. I shouldn’t, I know that, but I’m indulging myself.

Tomorrow will be a bit rough bc I’ve been sleeping in for four days so getting up early will be a challenge. I’ve been sleeping better though. Not staying up all hours of the night. It’s been a long while since I’ve been able to go to sleep before eleven. So I guess that’s good.

[bizi]

drinking 4 dog fish heads.
hubby is at work.
it is cold out here 29 degrees
hubby will be home soon.
bizi

[Sunflower123]

I’ve been struggling with a lack of motivation and productivity for awhile in certain areas. It’s very demoralizing to make a to do list and not be able to get yourself to do certain things. I have back pain and I think that has scared me while doing physical things. I’ve tried a Procrastination course and self discipline books and even got a transformational coach to weigh in. I don’t know what the answer is but it’s bringing me down.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

drinking 4 dog fish heads.
hubby is at work.
it is cold out here 29 degrees
hubby will be home soon.
bizi

That's plenty cold. How's the drinking going, bizi?

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Happy Valentine's Day, Soupe!

The cake was darling. A red/pink/white fondant (deep pink as the main color) with decorations including little heart sprinkles. The inside was intense...a chocolate mousse cake that was rich...like, really rich. Tasted great, though! I had intended to put lots of little candles on it - then realized that, due to covid, we wouldn't be able to blow them out.

Sounds so yummy! I would have preferred that cake. We bought a couple slices of a Valentine's type dessert, but it was not so special. Czechs like to put gelatin on the top of some cakes. Hubby wanted it because it had red raspberries, but the gelatin was so hard it was two steps from being gummy bear hard.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Long day. Our handymen finished up the main tasks we needed their help with. The house looks good, albeit not totally moved into. Hubby and I continued unpacking. Well, I mostly did. My kitchen is nearly where it should be for comfort. Relief! Other rooms are still in the works. Today we had a special appointment at a bedroom furniture store to select a new bedroom suite. [Appointments only given covid-19.] It's a huge purchase, but one that should last for the rest of our lives. It's lovely and good quality! We left our old one (that was wearing out with some damage - IKEA) for the buyers of our old house. Unfortunately, we will have to wait 9 weeks to receive our new furniture. Everything takes a while here. Even receiving orders from Amazon.de takes much longer than receiving stuff from Amazon in the US.

The handymen are nice guys, but boy am I happy they are gone! No rubbing shoulders. No moments of awkwardness because of my Czech language difficulties. Heck, I can go downstairs in my underwear now, if I want to! I also look forward to eating healthier and stuff the handymen wouldn't likely like.

I did unpack my scale, but I haven't gotten on it yet. The moment of reckoning is soon.

I'm so glad your home life is finally settling down! It will be a joy to cook your own food, in your own kitchen. Heck, go downstairs in your underwear and dance the hootchie-kootchie in the kitchen!!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’ve been struggling with a lack of motivation and productivity for awhile in certain areas. It’s very demoralizing to make a to do list and not be able to get yourself to do certain things. I have back pain and I think that has scared me while doing physical things. I’ve tried a Procrastination course and self discipline books and even got a transformational coach to weigh in. I don’t know what the answer is but it’s bringing me down.

I feel for you. Before I had surgery on my achilles tendon I was constantly in pain - and constantly chastising myself for not getting enough things done. Now my achilles pain is gone, but I do have back pain that prevents me from doing as much as I'd like to do.


I understand the frustration, but be kind to yourself. It's not procrastinating when you're in pain. It's a chronic pain issue.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm so glad your home life is finally settling down! It will be a joy to cook your own food, in your own kitchen. Heck, go downstairs in your underwear and dance the hootchie-kootchie in the kitchen!!

yes! Dance in your undies! It reminds me of my old apartment- I had a washer and a dryer there. My own. I would sometimes run the laundry and then decide that I wanted to wash what I had on, so I'd just strip down and throw them in! I dunno where the kids were. Maybe it was after they moved out. I dunno. But then I'd go get a shower and redress and feel great.

[Moose72]

I have had a somewhat eventful day. N3 and I went out to a few stores this afternoon/evening. Its been snowing for hours- little tiny snow, but it was icy and it added up. Just as soon as I got the car brushed off, I'd need to start again! My back window defrost lines don't turn on anymore so that got fogged up from our breathing. I opened the back windows a little which helped a modest amount. Driving home was 25 mph the whole way. I need a new car. Its just dangerous to drive that way! It has other things wrong with it, too, which everybody turns a blind eye to. I can't afford to get it fixed so yeah. It's like that. Tomorrow, it's supposed to snow until 11 a.m. and then just be cloudy, but its going to snow all night too so there will be a lot of snow to remove from the roads and from my car before I have to drive N3 to his yearly doctor check up.

I'm watching a documentary on Marian Anderson. Such an amazing singer.

My first night on reduced benzos went fine! I'm really doing it! It's really happening!

[Soupe du jour]

I became so exhausted from continuing unpacking that I felt dizzy. I'm taking a break, but will continue. My kitchen is so close to being ready. I wish we could move to the futon downstairs. Perhaps I might, if Hubby doesn't want to. Simple comforts are long overdue for me. For example, being able to get out of bed by swinging my legs over the side instead of being blocked against the wall. Or not having to go down a slightly spiral staircase in the middle of the night during a Seroquel XR daze. Or having a side table to put a stupid glass of water on.

Tonight I have my video session with my old pdoc. Tomorrow therapy with my new therapist. The latter is in person. New relationships are more work than old ones, for me. My pdoc can pretty much read my mind. That ability isn't as easy via video, but isn't lost.

After tomorrow afternoon, I have nothing on my calendar until Monday, unless we need another grocery store run. I'm glad.

I now get emails not only in Czech, but German, since the Amazon distribution is based in Austria and Germany. One takes for granted understanding a local language, until that changes. I'm not sure how many Czechs order from Amazon, regularly. My s-i-l does often, but she is a Czech to German (and vice versa) translator for a living. Even my husband understands a bit of German. CZ is nestled between those two countries. People out there incorrectly refer to CZ as in "eastern Europe", but it's not. It's central. Prague (and most of CZ) is further west than Vienna, Austria. No one would call Vienna part of "eastern Europe".

We had a whopper of a snow, followed by ice storm, and the aftermath is a mess. We're among the (was 300,000, now 215,000) people without power. Or Internet. (I'm using my phone data.) We've had no power (or heat) since the midnight between Sunday and Monday. Work has been closed for days. A couple of us managed to get there yesterday (I walked), but the power was cutting out and with no Internet, we can't serve customers (our program for making orders, and no credit card processing). Will try again today. And bring my charger. There is also virtually no transit, and a downed power line in front of our place (which is among 5,000 others) isn't helping (our several block section of the street is barricaded). I am going to try to get to the grocery store today after (hopefully) work. It might take a very long time, and being on foot for much of it. But we have very little food (most fridge and all freezer food goners, and no way to heat anything in cabinet). Nuts, bread, granola bars and peanut butter are getting tedious.

Ugh. Like I said, it's a MESS. I've lived here over a decade and never seen anything like it.

Mood's ok though.

[Moose72]

We got quite a bit of snow overnight. Its still snowing. N3's doctor's appointment is at 2:30 but my mom's husband is taking him so I don't have to drive in this mess. His car is brand new so he can sit in it and be warm unlike my pos. I was going to go to a coffee shop while I was waiting for N3 but now I don't have to.

Btw, I turned on PBS because I was watching it last night and Sesame Street was on. Big Bird was talking with Grover- or maybe they were singing?- but anyway Big Bird's voice is changing! It sounds significantly lower. I know that Carrol Spinney (however you spell that) died but an adolescent Big Bird??

[*Beth*]

It's upsetting when the Sesame Street characters' voices change. I'm with you on that, Moose

For all of you in the hazardous weather conditions - please be safe.

It's starting to look like very early spring here. A tree here and there blooming and the grasses turning bright green. If we don't get some more rain, though, it won't be good.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm a bit upset that I forgot my video session with my psychiatrist. I only remembered 38 minutes after its scheduled start. Since the sessions are only about 20 minutes, it was too late. I sent him an email, but haven't yet heard back from him. I'm very disappointed because I wanted to talk to him.

I should have received some kind of reminder, but I didn't see any evidence of one. I wonder if the "clock" on my gmail calendar is a bit messed up because of my new location.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing good today mental health wise. Physically I feel pretty off. I’m very tired despite a lot of caffeine. My pain isn’t too bad today. I just feel weird. I had my second to last therapy session today. I didn’t talk much until the last 10 minutes. I just told her routine stuff. The physical stuff that’s been going on. My moms vaccine yesterday. What I want her to tell the new therapist. I asked her to listen to my favorite song for me. The song I’ve been listening to every night for a couple of months. She said she’d try to remember. She asked me if there was anything that I specifically wanted to talk about before we end for good. And I told her that I was having feelings of transference since May but I always hoped that we’d be back to in person sessions so that’s why I was holding things off. Plus I just didn’t have the energy. She asked me what I would do if I had transference with the new therapist. I said I’d honestly be quite confused if that happened. She said transference can be a lot of different things. I wonder if I basically just admitted to her that I had a crush on her and that was the type of transference I was talking about. But maybe she already figured that out. Who knows. But I told her at least my mental health isn’t all out of whack like I thought it was. Basically today went fine. I’m down in the dumps but I don’t think it’s therapy related. But it could sort of be.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm here just quiet. I cooked breakfast on my own. now it's time for dinner and no one else is going to cook.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm here just quiet. I cooked breakfast on my own. now it's time for dinner and no one else is going to cook.

Hi Mm

My second night of reduced benzos went fine too. So glad to be finally getting off the stuff! I didn't go for my haircut today. I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I just had no energy. This six week stay-at-home order has really ruined me. I feel weak and frail. Plus the weather was awful. True Winter weather today.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m doing good today mental health wise. Physically I feel pretty off. I’m very tired despite a lot of caffeine. My pain isn’t too bad today. I just feel weird. I had my second to last therapy session today. I didn’t talk much until the last 10 minutes. I just told her routine stuff. The physical stuff that’s been going on. My moms vaccine yesterday. What I want her to tell the new therapist. I asked her to listen to my favorite song for me. The song I’ve been listening to every night for a couple of months. She said she’d try to remember. She asked me if there was anything that I specifically wanted to talk about before we end for good. And I told her that I was having feelings of transference since May but I always hoped that we’d be back to in person sessions so that’s why I was holding things off. Plus I just didn’t have the energy. She asked me what I would do if I had transference with the new therapist. I said I’d honestly be quite confused if that happened. She said transference can be a lot of different things. I wonder if I basically just admitted to her that I had a crush on her and that was the type of transference I was talking about. But maybe she already figured that out. Who knows. But I told her at least my mental health isn’t all out of whack like I thought it was. Basically today went fine. I’m down in the dumps but I don’t think it’s therapy related. But it could sort of be.

I give you loads of credit for bringing up the transference, Mountaindewed. I wish she had said a lot more in response, though. I know she's correct that transference can be a lot of things, not just feelings of affection or hate, but you mentioning the affection here is a clue. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, if that's the case, and it may not mean exactly what you think.

If this current therapist does not bring up the topic of transference next time, I see that as a failing on her part. However, it is a topic you can talk about with your next therapist, regardless. Not that you will experience it with the next therapist, but to process what you felt with the last one. If some form of transference develops with your new therapist, hopefully she/he will discuss it more readily.

I understand transference very well, and had various types with various therapists. I have a transference love for my psychiatrist. He has never wanted to talk about it even though he's known for years. Instead, I talked about it with my therapists. In my case, I do believe there is a link between my transference for my psychiatrist and my late mother, but I do also just plain adore him as a person. Last night I accidentally forgot my video appointment with him. Hours after I realized I started to cry. I feel my sessions with him are nearing a close, after almost 14 years. Grief is already setting in. Just as you have stated that your therapist helped you realize important things about yourself, my psychiatrist walked with me through my long hard journey. That's something one never forgets. It's so significant! Thinking that I must say goodbye to him after not seeing him face-to-face since March is sadly cruel, but no ones fault.

Hugs to you during your transitions in life. You DO seem to be strong and well considering many factors. You do! I write this not to minimize your current and future struggles, but your strength needs recognition.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

My second night of reduced benzos went fine too. So glad to be finally getting off the stuff! I didn't go for my haircut today. I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I just had no energy. This six week stay-at-home order has really ruined me. I feel weak and frail. Plus the weather was awful. True Winter weather today.

I'm glad your reduction is going well so far, whatever2013. I hope it continues to. Please don't let that encourage any premature drastic reductions, though.

I hope you can get your haircut soon. Didn't you once say your hair looks a little like your avatar photo lady's? If so, it's a pretty one. I had my hair like that a couple years back. Many liked it. I even had a French woman come up to me in a diner and say "It looks so French." Mine grew impossible to straighten, though, so I have bangs with curly hair. At one point my hair stylist said the flat iron can't handle it anymore. I'd need it professionally straightened, but that's too expensive and I've grown to embrace my curls. At some point I'll need to find a new stylist in Czech Republic. That's anxiety-provoking. I had been seeing my last hair stylist for years. She knew what to do with my mop.

[Sunflower123]

My thoughts are with those without power in this frigid weather. We have avoided the storm except for the temperature (the lowest has been 20F). I would have liked to see some snow. We went without power for a week after last Easter’s tornado and the cold even then was miserable.

After much badgering, I am going to have my physical Thursday including blood tests related to my use of Lithium. I’m not irresponsible about my health and that’s exactly why I haven’t gone...the pandemic. The numbers in my city are low enough now though and my doctor’s office is careful enough that I’ll go.

I’m excited that my city is about to start vaccinating category 1b. I’m category 1c so there is hope I may be able to go to Florida this year. My daughter can go this year and she’s graduating from college this summer so I feel like I’m running out of time. It would be disappointing not to go.

[251turnaround]

I'm doing so well overall lately. I'm doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. It's so stimulating doing these mundane tasks that I look forward to doing them. I haven't had this kind of consistent motivation to get stuff done in a very long time. Sorting and putting away clothes at 3 am? You bet!

I know what this reads like, but I've more or less been at this level of functioning for nearly six months now. Absolutely bonkers for me since I'm usually so moody and quiet with a slow brain.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by 251turnaround

I'm doing so well overall lately. I'm doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. It's so stimulating doing these mundane tasks that I look forward to doing them. I haven't had this kind of consistent motivation to get stuff done in a very long time. Sorting and putting away clothes at 3 am? You bet!

I know what this reads like, but I've more or less been at this level of functioning for nearly six months now. Absolutely bonkers for me since I'm usually so moody and quiet with a slow brain.

Feeling good and being productive does not have to equal illness. Enjoy these good times! Just ask someone close to you to let you know something is amiss only if over the top, or the polar opposite.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I give you loads of credit for bringing up the transference, Mountaindewed. I wish she had said a lot more in response, though. I know she's correct that transference can be a lot of things, not just feelings of affection or hate, but you mentioning the affection here is a clue. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, if that's the case, and it may not mean exactly what you think.

If this current therapist does not bring up the topic of transference next time, I see that as a failing on her part. However, it is a topic you can talk about with your next therapist, regardless. Not that you will experience it with the next therapist, but to process what you felt with the last one. If some form of transference develops with your new therapist, hopefully she/he will discuss it more readily.

I understand transference very well, and had various types with various therapists. I have a transference love for my psychiatrist. He has never wanted to talk about it even though he's known for years. Instead, I talked about it with my therapists. In my case, I do believe there is a link between my transference for my psychiatrist and my late mother, but I do also just plain adore him as a person. Last night I accidentally forgot my video appointment with him. Hours after I realized I started to cry. I feel my sessions with him are nearing a close, after almost 14 years. Grief is already setting in. Just as you have stated that your therapist helped you realize important things about yourself, my psychiatrist walked with me through my long hard journey. That's something one never forgets. It's so significant! Thinking that I must say goodbye to him after not seeing him face-to-face since March is sadly cruel, but no ones fault.

Hugs to you during your transitions in life. You DO seem to be strong and well considering many factors. You do! I write this not to minimize your current and future struggles, but your strength needs recognition.

Thanks. I’m sorry you missed your appointment. Missing appointments suck and they freak me out. I had to cancel a therapy appointment a few weeks ago because I was sick and I majorly freaked out. I had a panic attack or something. That’s actually why she put up the email boundary. I was so worried I’d upset her by cancelling. And this was my first appointment in 4 weeks because of IOP.

I’m learning a lot about transference from this site. I never heard about it until a few weeks ago.

I’m not sure what I’ll say in my last appointment with her. I filled out a release so she could talk to my new therapist. I don’t know if that was a smart idea or not. But I’m hoping she’d have talked to my new one by the time we meet next Tuesday and I’ll get some kind of sense what she’s like.