[bpcyclist]

Been absent for way too long, sorry, guys. Just overwhelmed with work stuff. Hopelessly behind on PMs and posts—so sorry. Will try harder. I sure miss my pals.

Reaching out tonight for support. Trying to stay outta the hospital. Quite tragically, just today was detonated upon by almost certainly the single most crushing and soul-destroying betrayal of my entire life. For sure. That is saying something for a man who has been cheated on so many times that it is almost comical. Today’s experience has absolutely zero to do with my old trauma. No, what this is about basically is that this person and I had agreed to work and relate to each other in some quite proscribed, specific ways discussed at length over multiple chats and they then decided for some reason that they really didn’t need to meet a very minimal version of their end of the deal if it wasn’t always super convenient or maybe they just didn’t really feel like it. When I tried gently and in an adult manner to share that their particular communication strategies and dynamics weren’t really working super well for me in an email, they informed me they did not have time to read it. When I texted and said that did not work for me, they told me to back off and cease guilt-tripping them.

So, just beyond devastated and dead. Super super bad SI. Definitely wish I were never born. I ca honestly say, I have now finally and completely given up on many if not most members of the opposite sex. For good. I am just totally done. Will just stay inside and try to take it one hour at a time, I guess. Thanks for the support. Love you guys!!!

[Victoria'smom]

Oh BPCyclist I'm so sorry. Concentrate on distracting yourself from those thoughts. Not forever. Are you listening to music, reading your favorite book, Binge watch a long tv series, go to bed early and get to a safe place tomorrow. Breathing exercises, Shower, anything to pass time. Take up a new hobby. I started drawing (suck at it but that's okay) anything you don't have to be good at it. PM me, Hang out here anything.

[Fuzzybear]

Hi bpcyclist!

I was just thinking about you!

Very sorry to hear about this massive betrayal.

One hour at a time. I get it

Hugs and love!

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Been absent for way too long, sorry, guys. Just overwhelmed with work stuff. Hopelessly behind on PMs and posts—so sorry. Will try harder. I sure miss my pals.

Reaching out tonight for support. Trying to stay outta the hospital. Quite tragically, just today was detonated upon by almost certainly the single most crushing and soul-destroying betrayal of my entire life. For sure. That is saying something for a man who has been cheated on so many times that it is almost comical. Today’s experience has absolutely zero to do with my old trauma. No, what this is about basically is that this person and I had agreed to work and relate to each other in some quite proscribed, specific ways discussed at length over multiple chats and they then decided for some reason that they really didn’t need to meet a very minimal version of their end of the deal if it wasn’t always super convenient or maybe they just didn’t really feel like it. When I tried gently and in an adult manner to share that their particular communication strategies and dynamics weren’t really working super well for me in an email, they informed me they did not have time to read it. When I texted and said that did not work for me, they told me to back off and cease guilt-tripping them.

So, just beyond devastated and dead. Super super bad SI. Definitely wish I were never born. I ca honestly say, I have now finally and completely given up on many if not most members of the opposite sex. For good. I am just totally done. Will just stay inside and try to take it one hour at a time, I guess. Thanks for the support. Love you guys!!!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Oh BPCyclist I'm so sorry. Concentrate on distracting yourself from those thoughts. Not forever. Are you listening to music, reading your favorite book, Binge watch a long tv series, go to bed early and get to a safe place tomorrow. Breathing exercises, Shower, anything to pass time. Take up a new hobby. I started drawing (suck at it but that's okay) anything you don't have to be good at it. PM me, Hang out here anything.

Good post.

[Victoria'smom]

my analytical side wonders if you can identify why, but no need to say

I wasn't alone for long today and even then my thoughts didn't have bone chilling effect on me. I was able to recognize them and move pass them today.

[MuddyBoots]

Lost all hope for sleep tonight. I've been trying to at least not use any screens when I'm up at night, but Bean (new kitty) will NOT shut up. He had food, he has water, the litter box is clean, he played with his toy. It seems when it gets dark he just starts screaming. So I'm listening to music on the 'puter. Also, I'm almost out of temazepam until at least thursday so I'm saving the two doses I have left for nights I really need sleep.

I have been noticeably calmer lately too. I'm hoping it's a combo of actually sleeping a couple hours a night and the lithium. Maybe trying to comfort Bean is helping too. Don't get me wrong though, I still have my flip out moments and I still spend much of the day pacing yelling at myself, and I keep going to this plan to ski off the roof on Tuesday when we get snow, and the urges for SA are bad almost constantly, but I actually feel tired some of the time so that's a good sign.

I've been really bothered by thoughts of the past lately. One problem is that i'm not busy enough. I laid off the Scrabble because i wasn't winning and was getting super angry and frustrated. Today i told myself i'll just play to block out the thoughts of the past. That will be my goal and it doesn't matter if i win or lose. At least i'm not worrying over stuff that happened in the last millennium. So that worked out well and i feel more hopeful for the future.

Tonight's my first night of my benzo taper. I'll take 0.5mg Clonazepam and 10mg Valium as a first step in transitioning over to all Valium. Wish me luck!

@bpcyclist: Welcome back! Sorry to hear you are in a state, that your friend hurt your feelings. Keeping busy is really working for me. A simple but effective strategy.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Been absent for way too long, sorry, guys. Just overwhelmed with work stuff. Hopelessly behind on PMs and posts—so sorry. Will try harder. I sure miss my pals.

Reaching out tonight for support. Trying to stay outta the hospital. Quite tragically, just today was detonated upon by almost certainly the single most crushing and soul-destroying betrayal of my entire life. For sure. That is saying something for a man who has been cheated on so many times that it is almost comical. Today’s experience has absolutely zero to do with my old trauma. No, what this is about basically is that this person and I had agreed to work and relate to each other in some quite proscribed, specific ways discussed at length over multiple chats and they then decided for some reason that they really didn’t need to meet a very minimal version of their end of the deal if it wasn’t always super convenient or maybe they just didn’t really feel like it. When I tried gently and in an adult manner to share that their particular communication strategies and dynamics weren’t really working super well for me in an email, they informed me they did not have time to read it. When I texted and said that did not work for me, they told me to back off and cease guilt-tripping them.

So, just beyond devastated and dead. Super super bad SI. Definitely wish I were never born. I ca honestly say, I have now finally and completely given up on many if not most members of the opposite sex. For good. I am just totally done. Will just stay inside and try to take it one hour at a time, I guess. Thanks for the support. Love you guys!!!

Hiya, my friend! I am so so so happy to see you checking in here. I was also thinking about you very recently, missing seeing you here.

I'm sorry that you have been betrayed to such a horrible degree. It is sometimes difficult to know what people you can really count on. I know that some people we deal with start off with good intentions, but then something flips in their minds (or other things happen). Other times the intentions were never quite solid to begin with. Don't we all wish we really knew this from the start? I think those of us with mental health challenges have a greater need for solid relationships and situations.

This is likely unrelated to your situation, but I remember at the psych hospital always being told not to befriend other patients too deeply. Many ignored this suggestion. I did once, too, and eventually found myself in an extremely uncomfortable position with the person. The relationship ended in a turbulent way because of it. It all goes back to the need for trusting solid relationships. Needing to lean on a cement/brick wall and not a curtain, however beautiful looking the curtain is.

No need to "catch up" on posts here. We are just so happy you're back. We can always just start off again from where we are. The past is over with. Today is a new day.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Lost all hope for sleep tonight. I've been trying to at least not use any screens when I'm up at night, but Bean (new kitty) will NOT shut up. He had food, he has water, the litter box is clean, he played with his toy. It seems when it gets dark he just starts screaming. So I'm listening to music on the 'puter. Also, I'm almost out of temazepam until at least thursday so I'm saving the two doses I have left for nights I really need sleep.

I have been noticeably calmer lately too. I'm hoping it's a combo of actually sleeping a couple hours a night and the lithium. Maybe trying to comfort Bean is helping too. Don't get me wrong though, I still have my flip out moments and I still spend much of the day pacing yelling at myself, and I keep going to this plan to ski off the roof on Tuesday when we get snow, and the urges for SA are bad almost constantly, but I actually feel tired some of the time so that's a good sign.

I like the new kitty name!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Been absent for way too long, sorry, guys. Just overwhelmed with work stuff. Hopelessly behind on PMs and posts—so sorry. Will try harder. I sure miss my pals.

Reaching out tonight for support. Trying to stay outta the hospital. Quite tragically, just today was detonated upon by almost certainly the single most crushing and soul-destroying betrayal of my entire life. For sure. That is saying something for a man who has been cheated on so many times that it is almost comical. Today’s experience has absolutely zero to do with my old trauma. No, what this is about basically is that this person and I had agreed to work and relate to each other in some quite proscribed, specific ways discussed at length over multiple chats and they then decided for some reason that they really didn’t need to meet a very minimal version of their end of the deal if it wasn’t always super convenient or maybe they just didn’t really feel like it. When I tried gently and in an adult manner to share that their particular communication strategies and dynamics weren’t really working super well for me in an email, they informed me they did not have time to read it. When I texted and said that did not work for me, they told me to back off and cease guilt-tripping them.

So, just beyond devastated and dead. Super super bad SI. Definitely wish I were never born. I ca honestly say, I have now finally and completely given up on many if not most members of the opposite sex. For good. I am just totally done. Will just stay inside and try to take it one hour at a time, I guess. Thanks for the support. Love you guys!!!

I am so sorry

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Been absent for way too long, sorry, guys. Just overwhelmed with work stuff. Hopelessly behind on PMs and posts—so sorry. Will try harder. I sure miss my pals.

Reaching out tonight for support. Trying to stay outta the hospital. Quite tragically, just today was detonated upon by almost certainly the single most crushing and soul-destroying betrayal of my entire life. For sure. That is saying something for a man who has been cheated on so many times that it is almost comical. Today’s experience has absolutely zero to do with my old trauma. No, what this is about basically is that this person and I had agreed to work and relate to each other in some quite proscribed, specific ways discussed at length over multiple chats and they then decided for some reason that they really didn’t need to meet a very minimal version of their end of the deal if it wasn’t always super convenient or maybe they just didn’t really feel like it. When I tried gently and in an adult manner to share that their particular communication strategies and dynamics weren’t really working super well for me in an email, they informed me they did not have time to read it. When I texted and said that did not work for me, they told me to back off and cease guilt-tripping them.

So, just beyond devastated and dead. Super super bad SI. Definitely wish I were never born. I ca honestly say, I have now finally and completely given up on many if not most members of the opposite sex. For good. I am just totally done. Will just stay inside and try to take it one hour at a time, I guess. Thanks for the support. Love you guys!!!

I’m sorry this happened to you. Sending hugs and supportive vibes.

@bpcyclist -- I'm so sorry that happened and that you're feeling so rough. But I am happy you have come by!! Count me among the many who've been wondering about you. I'll also echo the suggestion of distraction to get through this. And perhaps among those distractions the forums? We're here for you!

[leomama]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I've been really bothered by thoughts of the past lately. One problem is that i'm not busy enough. I laid off the Scrabble because i wasn't winning and was getting super angry and frustrated. Today i told myself i'll just play to block out the thoughts of the past. That will be my goal and it doesn't matter if i win or lose. At least i'm not worrying over stuff that happened in the last millennium. So that worked out well and i feel more hopeful for the future.

Tonight's my first night of my benzo taper. I'll take 0.5mg Clonazepam and 10mg Valium as a first step in transitioning over to all Valium. Wish me luck!

@bpcyclist: Welcome back! Sorry to hear you are in a state, that your friend hurt your feelings. Keeping busy is really working for me. A simple but effective strategy.

Are you working?

[Mountaindewed]

I feel fine today. I’m just super bored. Today I went to the store to buy milk. I used to work at that store from January 2014 until May 2015. I’m still friendly with the people who I worked with since you know, grocery store employees rarely change and a lot of them have been there since the 80’s. Just a joke. But anyways I’ve been avoiding them since I started transitioning. But I was with my mom and my coworker who I was great friends with at the time and who I’m Facebook friends with saw me. She yelled “is that- enter very female dead name-“ I cringed. I swear people turned around. I had to make small talk about my mask and my hat. I tried turning away so she wouldn’t see my facial hair. Could she not tell my voice was deep or what. I’ve posted a couple times on my Facebook about my transition but she has some scary political beliefs so I’d prefer not to discuss it with her. But basically today she acted like she always has with me. Which I guess is good.

But my moods are good today. I think the split dose is helping. I was a bit S last night but I did deep breathing and I used my weighted blankets and I was fine. The type of deep breathing I use is great. Today I don’t feel as clingy as I did before with my therapist. All this BS with her started right after my transition.

[Soupe du jour]

Already tired again and its only a little before 5 pm, my time. We went with our handyman friend to the equivalent of a Home Depot and bought all kinds of things for the house we're renting. My favorite items were the area rugs for our kitchen, since they are very colorful with a nice pattern. When our stuff arrives by shipment, we'll have many more of our own belongings to add. Not everything we shipped will be used, though. Overall, wall space is less in our new home. It wouldn't be, but some walls have long radiators that prevent furniture from being put in front of them. In NJ, we had central air. The saddest thing we won't be able to use is my dining room table. It just doesn't fit in our new kitchen, though the kitchen itself is superior to my old one. The new one doesn't have a dining room, like our old one.

The handymen never want to accept meals from us, so we've resorted to basically forcing food on them. We even had my sister-in-law call the handyman (she knows him well) to insist he accept food. I know this sounds strange, but in my new country it is often customary that people will refuse things they really want. It's sort of like you need to beg them to have something they deep down want. In the US, or at least where I'm from, that's not so customary. If you offer something to a person and they say no, that's usually the end of the matter. It's an odd situation when we do push stuff on them, it is basically eaten up as quickly as my old parrot shelled and ate pistachios. Lightening fast!

[yellow_fleurs]

Thank you everyone for the nice words about my new job!

I am not feeling great unfortunately, but hoping I will be by the time I start my job next week. I really am struggling with this change from Wellbutrin XL to SR surprisingly. So strange that it would make such a difference. That or I am getting sick. I feel achy, depressed/moody, and can't concentrate. I almost feel like I am getting the flu, but I think it's the meds. I took it today, but after I discuss the Depakote with my gynecologist tomorrow I am going to call my psychiatrist and tell them what is going on.

I am going to try to go on a walk with a friend tomorrow, weather permitting.

Take care all!

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Thank you everyone for the nice words about my new job!

I am not feeling great unfortunately, but hoping I will be by the time I start my job next week. I really am struggling with this change from Wellbutrin XL to SR surprisingly. So strange that it would make such a difference. That or I am getting sick. I feel achy, depressed/moody, and can't concentrate. I almost feel like I am getting the flu, but I think it's the meds. I took it today, but after I discuss the Depakote with my gynecologist tomorrow I am going to call my psychiatrist and tell them what is going on.

I am going to try to go on a walk with a friend tomorrow, weather permitting.

Take care all!

Wellbutrin XR to SR was a game changer for me. XR never worked it seemed, SR did some benefit for me. So, I don't think it's so out in left field that it affects you differently. Hopefully you can get it resolved and get it all sorted out.

[Moose72]

And he's missing a tooth in both!

[Moose72]

I'm thinking I need a mental health pet. I want a dog but they're expensive so I've been thinking about a cat. My sister says I should get a ragdoll cat but I looked online and they go for $2,000! I can't afford that. I need vet money and food money etc of course. I'd like a rescue greyhound but as I say they can be vet heavy- Or so I'm guessing. Any ideas, suggestion, or words to the wise?

My first night of my benzo taper went fine. I tried to keep busy today but wasn't too successful. I guess doing things that are unpleasant is no solution.

@Moose72: You are wise to beware of the expense of pets. I had a $1700 vet bill when my dog was a puppy and she had a stomach problem. Cats can be expensive too. How about plants or indoor gardening? Orchids can be nice...

I was meant to be getting a delivery yesterday of a game I used to play as a kid.

it didn't come so maybe it will come today. if I'm honest, I'm tired of feeling so nistalgic and searching the internet for things that I played with years ago. I think a lot of it is down to the fact that I just wanna be a kid again. I want to be wrapped in a blankie and rocked.

[leomama]

I work ft and I couldn’t afford an emotional support animal.

[yellow_fleurs]

I agree pets can be expensive and come with unexpected costs. I've seen it with friends who have to take their animals in for emergency care and yikes those bills can be a lot (I am not sure how much pet health insurance helps the situation or not). Small animals I think come with their own challenges since not all vets specialize in their care, but I wonder if they could be cheaper and lower maintenance? Like a hamster perhaps? How Much Does a Hamster Cost? | PetMD

Edit to add: Once I feel a little safer with Covid I might volunteer at an animal shelter or foster so that I can help out animals without committing to owning one myself.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

Wellbutrin XR to SR was a game changer for me. XR never worked it seemed, SR did some benefit for me. So, I don't think it's so out in left field that it affects you differently. Hopefully you can get it resolved and get it all sorted out.

Thanks MarcusAurelius, that is good to know! I wonder if I do react differently to the different types. I also am starting to feel better so maybe it was an adjustment period.

[yellow_fleurs]

Morning all! I am finally feeling less like I have the flu and less moody/depressed/irritable. Hopefully this lasts. I think I am going to hold off on starting any Depakote right now unless I really need it. I am worried about the possible side effects and if I am mostly okay then I think I'd rather try to manage it without. We'll see, though. I have said this before and I have yet to keep my moods stable for an extended period of time.

I am unsure about going hiking today as we got snow and I would love to hike in snow but more considering the drive to where I would hike. I do always feel better when I see my friend, though.

Yesterday I made chocolate chip cookies. My boyfriend doesn't have cookie sheets so I used his cast iron pan and that actually works well to make a cookie cake. I was determined to find a way haha.