Bipolar check-in #56

Thanks Bizi. It's weird, in a way it's like he's been gone forever already (he died Dec. 15 so it has been a while) but I'm not ready to end it now. Or ever.

He wore this horrible knee brace the last months of his life and I hated putting in on him. I hated that thing so much.. Yesterday I was at the store and was behind a woman who was wearing the same brace. I nearly cried. I threw that thing away about 2 days after he died and yet the sight of another makes me cry.

Grief is weird.

I have never known you to be unpleasant to me

Our other 2 dogs never once have gotten sick in the car, Oh having to wash up cats?? ohhhhhhh I bet that was hard !

Oh I will be posting pics once I get the wall done. The 4 pics I did? Steve loved them so much. Now I need to stay on him to get his boys to send some pics they like.. I could say they are typical "guys" but honestly how in the hell long does it take to text their Father some damn pictures?? Oh I get so angry but I keep my mouth shut.

I'm glad you are trying out someone else for your babies nails. We always were being charged 20 per dog.. Crazy !

Thanks Beth !!! loads of hugs for you

Hellmarts managers honestly do not care about customer service at all. I have asked to speak to a manager probably 10 times over the 17 years here and only twice did one come out... There is only a very small amount of things we buy there. But everytime I go to pick up meds I am just thrilled that the pharmacy staff are outstanding.

Yes I was shocked at Tina's prices for nail clips $15.00, so sweet with my babies, We gave her a generous tip.

Happy Anniversary

Such lovely gifts he gave you. I'm sure he loved his gifts

YEAH Pool time has arrived !!!

I really hope you and your Mom can make that trip, would be great memories

I hope today went okay, losing someone is never easy

I'm here for you anytime

I'm not going to blame the beginnings of a BD episode, because there's no excuse for getting as annoyed & short tempered as I've been the past few days. It might be the heat, or maybe I'm just being an arsehole. Small things seem to be triggering me to a large degree.

My partner went to bed early because I got upset with her for not listening. Like @BeyondtheRainbow, I lost someone very close (my aunt) during the winter, & we're trying to plan her memorial service. My aunt didn't have any children, so I was the closest thing she ever had to a son. I'm an agnostic, but both my sister & my partner are Christian. My aunt was very politically liberal (she watched MSNBC all day) and she took in many stray animals. She had a heart of gold. I did some online research & tried to find a Bible reading that would aptly describe who she was. I found Proverb 31:8-9:

"Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy."

THAT was my aunt, but my sister & partner think it's too political & that I'm making the memorial all about me. F-that! Animals are mute...and I'm not going to get into politics, but there are many people who have no voice either. Unlike my sister (who only talked to her a few times a year) I talked to her on the phone almost every night; however, since Christians are taking over, they think they know better than I what is appropriate to add to the memorial service. I have absolutely no objections to other Bible offerings being read! I feel like I'm being silenced, though. What B.S.!

Anyways, I got pissed at my partner for failing to hear me out. I'll still be pissed off in the morning, too. I try not to let resentments linger too long, but this is a major sticking point for me.

I'm sorry for your loss @BeyondtheRainbow, and I'm sorry if I offended any of you who are Christians.

The government tried to force my hand to quit nicotine by banning my juul pods from the state and then banning the shipment of them to my state. I may have mentioned this. So I tried but by today, day five, I was like NOPE CAN’T DO IT. I got the regular pods out of desperation. Honestly the thing is I don’t think this is a good time. I’ll never be able to know if my mood symptoms are hormonal, nicotine withdrawal, or just my brain acting up. I’m in the beginning of adding a new med, i won’t know if it’s helping or not. I DEFINITELY want to quit, I really really do. But I think it’s best if I get more stable first and I’m stronger mentally so I can fight the psychological withdrawal symptoms that come with it.

It’s 1:37am. I’ve taken 100mg of seroquel but um...yeah. Nothing. But I was all swept up in wedding things (ordered save the dates!). And then I just got to thinking about my life and I just had to come out and journal yo get it out. I won’t go into the whole thing here but the basic outline is I believe I have been severely punishing myself for being “bad” and “shameful”. I believe I’ve been this way since I was very little.

I think I see now that the main person in this whole mess I need to forgive is myself. Now just doing it..,

@buddha1too and all:

I'm sorry for your loss buddha1too. Your aunt sounds like a wonderful woman and that you had a special relationship that you valued greatly. You must be heartbroken. My heart goes out to you!

I think that quote you found was very moving and i'm sorry to hear others have objections. I mean, you're an agnostic, respecting their religious POVs -- what more do they want?

Grief twists us all up, i guess. I hope you can reach a compromise and all co-operate about the memorial service.

My mom left money and instructions for a party to be thrown to celebrate her life once she passed. I think i will do the same!

Warmest regards,

Jane.

@~Christina and all:

Thanks for being so gracious!

Glad your wall of pictures is going well. I'm sure it will add to the coziness of your home. Sorry you husband's sons are dragging their feet. Patience is a virtue... Eff that!

Can't wait to see your finished creation!

Have a beautiful day!

Jane.

Lost my damn mind last night. I dunno what happened, maybe I was trying to escape from my midnight introspection. But when I finally went to my room at 2ish I totally freaked and couldn’t stop thinking about harming myself. I was afraid to leave the room because I knew there was my instrument of choice within reach. And I also knew that I really needed to take Xanax or I would never ever sleep. But I was also afraid to dispense it to myself. I just felt bad waking RS up so I finally called myself an idiot and internally yelled at myself to calm down a hundred times and then went to the bathroom, came back, and took the...slightly higher recommended dose of Xanax (but not even close to dangerous). Then I passed out from sheer exhaustion.

I woke up at 8am still like slurring my words from lack of sleep but I feel better now with some food in my stomach.

I gotta keep chillin today. It’s lazy Sunday and it’s going to be 90 some odd degrees so it’s a good day to just stay in and watch some movies. As long as I stay out of my bed and with my family I should be ok. Can’t get trapped in my mind again.

I kinda panicked last night mental health wise. Not sure why. But this happens every month. The only solution my doctor said that would get rid of it completely would be to get surgery. I took three 80 milligram Geodon, one 20 milligram Geodon, 36 milligrams of melatonin, and a mil of Xanax. I woke up this morning feeling fine but kinda lightheaded. I went for a purple dragonfruit refresher from Dunkin Donuts and then I took a walk to the gas station. I got some cool/rare stuff. I think my issue last night was just the usual Saturday before my period S panic attack stuff.

That is when this stuff usually happens. It happens on a Saturday 9 days before my supposed period and then I’m fine.

My heart is racing and I’m a bit lightheaded. I just took my blood pressure and it is normal. My pulse is 76. So it’s most likely just anxiety. I haven’t taken any Geodon today. Or anything.

I gave my mom my Geodon to hang onto since I don’t trust myself with it

I had 2 glasses of cold water today. One an hour ago, the other 5 minutes ago and I had no issue with either one. What a weird side effect though from the vaccine. Psychosomatic or real it was still strange.

Extra hugs. Sending good thoughts for the service.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow Tomorrow is my family member's internment and memorial service. I'm dreading it. I think I don't want to admit he's really and truly gone. I'll be exhausted tomorrow but also just relieved. Then I just have to force my brother to get down here and distribute my bio-father's ashes too.

I'm sending you a big hug

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too ... "Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy." ....

I am really sorry you're being given a hard time, because that quote is perfect. I can understand your aunt just by reading it.

I'm sorry, buddha1too. Such endeavors are hard enough without conflict coming into it. I couldn't agree more that it is bs. Could go into a rant about it actually. Suffice to say, it's pretty rich. "Works" are not political. They *should* be faith in action. To me, it's telling of the hypocritical situation. Setting that aside, if you are not objecting to ones that others have chosen, it seems only fair that you get to choose one too. It's from their own book even. I hope they relent.

Buddha, what you found sounds perfect to me. Political? They are reaching. I’m sorry they’re being such boob heads. It’s hard to observe the passing of someone we treasure when others make the remembrance all about them. Maybe you can have your own remembrance at a special place.

@buddha1too, I think the bible reading you chose is lovely and it's how you saw your aunt. Eulogies and other selections are offered in a personal and individual way. You are free to express what meant a lot to you about your aunt. They can do their thing. They are not meant to be censors muting you. Don't get angry at them if you know they can't mute you. No need to argue. Say what is in your heart. If they bug you about it, you can just tell them to spend that time worrying about their own eulogies, instead.

A story to accompany a quote or bible reading speaks volumes. Maybe no need to mention MSNBC, but of course you can say what went into her core passions, and what they really were. Rachel Maddow, Ari Melber, Joy Reid, and Chris Hayes (or others) won't mind the slights. And since when has being kind to the poor and weak become more political than Christian? If people really feel it is more political, one must pity them. One need not even be religious to be a true Christian soul, of sorts. Sadly, there are some who call themselves "Christian", who don't really think and act like one.

I'm sorry for your loss, buddha1too

Still feeling pretty horrible. When my son was at his computer coding lessons I actually forced myself to talk and be open with RS. It’s so hard to do that...everyone else has either made me feel unimportant or gotten angry at me. But he did not. He just listened. I think I’ll be able to start trusting him but it’s going to be a slow process. I did feel better for awhile but there’s still this knot of panic in my chest and stomach. I actually did search for my weapons of choice but turns out they got thrown out in the move. I imagine they were discovered and disposed of, whether anyone was aware of their intended use I don’t know. But I guess that’s actually good.

I did have RS take control of my meds though based on the Xanax incident last night. It’s not even one specific medication, it’s the sheer volume of them that I have at my disposal. The 90 day refills just kept coming through. So he took them and put them somewhere after I filled my med box for the week. That was SUPER hard for me to admit to. But again, he didn’t get mad so...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour ...And since when has being kind to the poor and weak become more political than Christian? If people really feel it is more political, one must pity them. One need not even be religious to be a true Christian soul, of sorts. Sadly, there are some who call themselves "Christian", who don't really think and act like one.

Thank you.

I'm having a really rough time right now. London, my kitty, has been throwing up every time he eats. Since his labs and other tests were all normal, and since he's only 3 years old, what he's experiencing is probably food intolerance. He probably needs a prescription food. But I'm so frightened and anxious.

Worn out.

I'm so sorry London isn't feeling better. I've been through the prescription diet thing (cat had severe allergies. Got the food from chewy.com for a lot less than from the vet) and with a very old cat (21 years!) the anything goes experience. With her I had medication that went in her ear (metoclopromide, not sure of spelling) and she was allowed to eat whatever she could tolerate. She couldn't have grains at all or she threw up.

I also had a cat with recurrent pancreatitis and he also got the ear gel med and a low fat diet (I managed without a prescription diet because the old cat couldn't have eaten his prescription so I found foods that met both their needs with a bit of dedicated shopping at the pet store.

At this point I finally have only one cat and she is healthy. It's the first time I've had a healthy cat in many years. She's only 4 so I hope she stays healthy for a long time.

I hope London feels better soon and so do you. I know it is so hard trying to figure out how to make them feel better.

Hugs BethRags.....

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Bought some silk painting supplies to try to prop up my mood.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow ....

Thank you, Rainbow.