Bipolar check-in #56

I've been off the grid for the past two days, but I just wanted to briefly thank those of you who wrote supportively when I got so pissed off about family matters the other night. Things worked out. Your support meant a lot to me.

@wildflowerchild25...Please take it easy. It sounds like you're on quite the ride lately. I hope you can negotiate the obstacles you're dealing with. I know the last thing you (or anyone) wants is to go back inpatient. You can do this!

@Nammu...Why are you & your elderly mother messing with the A/C vents & filters on ladders? Don't you know of anyone who might be able to give you a hand? Please don't hurt yourself doing spring cleaning! My back is sore from planting pansies today (I guess I am one, huh?). It's hell getting old!

@Sapiens...I suffered through enough Latin to know you're "wise." And you are, indeed! Sober & med compliant are positive moves! There were many years when I wasn't either of those things. It's a good thing I wasn't living in your neighborhood at the time, because I would most likely have been eaten by one of your bears (Picture me drunk, high & hypo as hell: "Aren't you a cute little bear!"). It also sounds like you're facing some significant challenges, too, though. Keep hanging in there.

@whatever2013...I'm glad you found a good vegan support site. I've shared in the past that freezer sections have a pretty large variety of vegan/meat substitutes these days (Boca Burgers being my favorite). They've come a long way from what they were even a few years ago.

@Jennifer 1967...I hope the visit to your chiropractor went well today. I know your back has been a source of misery for a long time. I'm also glad to read of the renewal of old activities in this new post-Covid age. Enjoy!

Until later,kids!

I’ll tell you what, none of the men in their thirties I know ever wear button downs and khakis! But every man I know is a blue collar man. Dusty jeans, boots, and fishing/mechanic/tool tees. Plus a baseball style hat.

I think you just need to dress how you’re comfortable. I have two Harry Potter ravenclaw tee shirts I’m 34 year old woman. I wear lots of band tee shirts too, which men in my life wear too.

I got SO ANGRY yesterday because my therapist from the program ratted me out to RS about the self harm. I was just so mad that she couldn’t leave well enough alone. I was agitated already so I think it just compounded things. She told me I’m to write TWENTY gratitude statements and positive affirmations for group today. I got pissed off at that too. I just felt like everyone was against me. Like they’re stopping me from doing what I want to, no NEED to do.

I’m wallowing in negative self talk is the problem. And they know that and THAT’s what pisses me off. These people see through everything and I’m not used to that.

RS told me that she’s not being a *****, she’s doing her job. I mean I know he’s right, I do. And the twenty gratitude/affirmation statements are a good idea.

I didn’t tell anyone about the paring knife I found which was a bad decision because now RS is at work and My son will be at school and scissors are one thing bc they don’t inflict much damage but a paring knife could be extremely dangerous. I’m getting all sorts of negative suicidal and self harm images. Like about as bad as I had last year. Worse even.

I wish I could see my regular therapist and participate in the group program at the same time. But my insurance won’t pay for both.

@Sapien and all:

Congratulations on your sobriety! Thats HUGE!!!

Sorry to hear you are struggling with self-sabotage tho in the relationship department and that your health care provider doesn't want to help you with it. That must be frustrating.

Maybe start smaller? Romantic relationships are tough for the healthiest people. I started with a plant. After i kept that alive for a year, i got a dog. But that was so overwhelming it's taken me eight years to even get a best friend!

I can't even fathom a romantic relationship. It's beyond me. I have just accepted that with my mental illness romantic relationships are too intense for me.

I risked my life getting married in my twenties and came close to death from heartbreak. Much too serious for me. I'm 54 and i've been single for 25 years and it's for the best.

I have longed for a best friend tho and i think since my one close neighbor saved my life by booking me a COVID shot, driving me there and accompanying me thru the process of getting the shot, i can promote her to the status of 'best friend'!

Have a beautiful day!

Jane.

My husband also succeeded with his residence changes today, except the card he needs won't be ready until next week. We must return to pick it up. Normally I'd see that as a hassle, but we discovered a wonderful cafe near there with delicious open-faced sandwiches (beautiful ones) as well as pastries. We bought two pistachio cream tartlets with raspberries on them. Delicious! Also six of the open-faced sandwiches. There's a bread shop right next door, but their pastries aren't nearly as nice. We'll return to the cafe again.

That municipal office is in a nice part of the city. We parked pretty much at an entrance to a park that surrounds Špilberk Castle. We walked through the park and even into the castle today. Though not yet open, there is also a museum nearby of a nuclear fallout shelter. They'll have tours when things open up more again. Of course that shelter was created assuming the US would bomb them, back in the communist days.

Attached is a pretty view from the Špilberk Castle park towards the centrum (central) of Brno. Hubby took that photo today.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too ...

Thanks for the link.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I got SO ANGRY yesterday because my therapist from the program ratted me out to RS about the self harm. I was just so mad that she couldn’t leave well enough alone. I was agitated already so I think it just compounded things. She told me I’m to write TWENTY gratitude statements and positive affirmations for group today. I got pissed off at that too. I just felt like everyone was against me. Like they’re stopping me from doing what I want to, no NEED to do. I’m wallowing in negative self talk is the problem. And they know that and THAT’s what pisses me off. These people see through everything and I’m not used to that. RS told me that she’s not being a *****, she’s doing her job. I mean I know he’s right, I do. And the twenty gratitude/affirmation statements are a good idea. I didn’t tell anyone about the paring knife I found which was a bad decision because now RS is at work and My son will be at school and scissors are one thing bc they don’t inflict much damage but a paring knife could be extremely dangerous. I’m getting all sorts of negative suicidal and self harm images. Like about as bad as I had last year. Worse even. I wish I could see my regular therapist and participate in the group program at the same time. But my insurance won’t pay for both.

Your therapist told RS...isn't that a breech of confidentiality?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My husband also succeeded with his residence changes today, except the card he needs won't be ready until next week. We must return to pick it up. Normally I'd see that as a hassle, but we discovered a wonderful cafe near there with delicious open-faced sandwiches (beautiful ones) as well as pastries. We bought two pistachio cream tartlets with raspberries on them. Delicious! Also six of the open-faced sandwiches. There's a bread shop right next door, but their pastries aren't nearly as nice. We'll return to the cafe again. That municipal office is in a nice part of the city. We parked pretty much at an entrance to a park that surrounds Špilberk Castle. We walked through the park and even into the castle today. Though not yet open, there is also a museum nearby of a nuclear fallout shelter. They'll have tours when things open up more again. Of course that shelter was created assuming the US would bomb them, back in the communist days. Attached is a pretty view from the Špilberk Castle park towards the centrum (central) of Brno. Hubby took that photo today.

The cafe sounds divine. I love your photos. Keep 'em coming!

No it’s my fault I signed a release. I didn’t mind him being involved I just don’t like super personal information being shared. Specifically self injury because I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed of it.

I feel so much better now after that psychiatric reaction to the vaccine is over. I’m not paranoid anymore and my town doesn’t creep me out anymore. I went on a walk this morning. I went to a consignment shop with my mom to look for furniture. We found a table we may get. I didn’t realize consignment shops were so expensive. The table was over $800. Then I went to Kohl’s and I got a couple button shirts. It was really difficult finding them. I have no idea what size I am in dress shirts so I had to try a bunch on and it was kind of frustrating. Then I went to Goodwill and I found 3 button shirts including an Aeropostale one. I didn’t try them on because one of the workers was being creepy and saying “women shopping in the men’s department buying clothes that I put out and wanted, I see you.” Yet she was a women herself. My mom said she wasn’t making any sense and she was looking directly at my mom while talking and not at me. My mom was also in the men’s department. But with the clothes issue at Kohl’s and the creepy women at Goodwill my dysphoria was getting going and I didn’t try on the shirts and I just hurried out of there. Of course only one fits and it’s the Aeropostale one which is a brand I usually wear because they fit. Then I went and got my haircut. The lady did a good job and I got some salon shampoo since my suave isn’t working out anymore. I got food to bring home and now I’m just hanging out.

So I felt good today but shopping can be annoying.

I got a call from the hospital I’m having my surgery at on the 4th. They wanted me to come in on the 2nd for a Covid test. Which would mean extra nights in a hotel. My mom asked if they could find a hospital closer to my new house and she said she’d look and see what she could do. She called back half an hour later saying they can do a rapid 15 minute result test at the hospital the day of the surgery. I don’t get why rapid tests aren’t used more in general now but especially at hospitals. But now it’s only 2 nights in a hotel. I am excited although I’m slightly nervous with all the stress I’ve already had regarding the move and the vaccine and also the severe post op depression that happened after the first surgery. But I really want to get this done.

I’m sorry I’m posting so much.

I feel absolutely out of control with self injury. Usually I can just do it for one session and then I’m good for like 2-3 years. But it’s been 4 days and every single day. My thighs are all f—-ed up. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m punishing myself for all the horrible things I have perceived I have done in my life. But when the adult me stands back and looks objectively at the situation I know I can’t blame myself for everything I’ve ever done. But it’s so ingrained in me, this shame.

My therapist almost suggested a higher level of care but I cut her off before she could even finish her sentence. I just went rambling on about something unrelated. I think she saw how much I needed to just talk.

I did unfortunately harm with the paring knife out of panic that it would be taken away from me. But I already put it on RS’s nightstand because I know she will be calling him. I’ll just intervene before she even does.

I walked to school to pick my son up since it’s so nice out today. It was a half hour walk round trip so it was nice. I do feel refreshed now.

Possible trigger:

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I’m sorry I’m posting so much. I feel absolutely out of control with self injury. Usually I can just do it for one session and then I’m good for like 2-3 years. But it’s been 4 days and every single day. My thighs are all f—-ed up. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m punishing myself for all the horrible things I have perceived I have done in my life. But when the adult me stands back and looks objectively at the situation I know I can’t blame myself for everything I’ve ever done. But it’s so ingrained in me, this shame. My therapist almost suggested a higher level of care but I cut her off before she could even finish her sentence. I just went rambling on about something unrelated. I think she saw how much I needed to just talk. I did unfortunately harm with the paring knife out of panic that it would be taken away from me. But I already put it on RS’s nightstand because I know she will be calling him. I’ll just intervene before she even does. I walked to school to pick my son up since it’s so nice out today. It was a half hour walk round trip so it was nice. I do feel refreshed now.

Post as much as you need to!

Yesterday I saw a picture of Elliot Page without a shirt on and I so wish I could go without a shirt when I go swimming. But after 7 months my scars still haven’t healed and they are very visible and also I need to get that second surgery.

Does anyone know how to make scars heal? Mine look really bad. My mom and the nurse said so too.

Thank you for all the support before my family member's memorial. It was hard but it was exactly what he would have wanted. It was his favorite kind of day: bright sun and blazing hot. There were as many laughs as tears I think. A good number of people showed up and I'm sure more would have if it hadn't been so hot and if it hadn't been 5 months since his death. I've been really tired since which I expected but I also feel more peace. His house closed today so things are almost completely done. It was weird to be in his house one last time the day of the service to take shower and change from set-up clothes to service clothes.

I'm not sure what happens now. First I get past the emotional exhaustion from the service. Then I don't really know.

Well my psychiatrist said I had the resources within myself to not take medications . I was self medicating with thc up until a couple of days ago, mostly for sleep, but I don’t like how tired it made me the next morning. I’ve been clean and sober before but I was on medication for the majority of those years. This will be a new tack. I’ve known men in sobriety who wouldn’t take anything. I’m not like that but I don’t feel like dealing with the side effects of medication . I was on lamictal for 10 years but when I went back to work I didn’t like how it affected me. I miss it sometimes but I also remember when it would level off and I would be like “that’s it?” Other drugs I tried like Wellbutrin made me sick and sleep aids always had side effects. We’ll see how long I can do this day by day.

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My brother’s nurse called around 5:30 and said to get my brother to the ER as soon as possible. His tests came back and his potassium was high and kidney function very low. I ran a marathon calming down my hysterical mom and getting her packed up to go and then convincing my brother that yes, if it deteriorated into kidney failure it could kill him. He couldn’t keep refusing. They finally got there and are checking in. Mom wasn’t letting anyone but her go with her baby boy and there is only one allowed back at a time so that’s why I’m at home holding down the fort. I hope he’ll be okay. He’s in very poor health.

That’s really all I had. I’ve been getting ready for the pool to open and for my daughter to visit. I’m really looking forward to that. Only a couple of days now! I’m in a good mood and the chiropractor helped.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow. Hugs to all.

Her baby boy? Was he a much younger child?

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Yesterday I saw a picture of Elliot Page without a shirt on and I so wish I could go without a shirt when I go swimming. But after 7 months my scars still haven’t healed and they are very visible and also I need to get that second surgery. Does anyone know how to make scars heal? Mine look really bad. My mom and the nurse said so too.

Yes. Pure aloe vera, straight from the stem. Buy a good-sized aloe vera plant and cut the stems open. Use the gel on your scars.

When I was 17 I was badly burned on my hand when a furnace exploded. The doctor said that my hand would be scarred. An herbalist friend told me to use aloe vera straight from the plant. I did, and I don't have any scarring at all on my hand.

I'm not feeling my best.

Hugs all around

btw, where's Moose?

I hope your brother they can help your brother.

No, he’s the oldest by 4 years but we kid her that he’s her baby boy. She caters to him relentlessly and he can do no wrong. It has made things difficult because he expects to be taken care of and won’t do things for himself that he needs to. It’s an extra stressor.

Yuck. My ex husband was the actual baby boy and my current bf still lives at home with his mother in his 40s. It’s a major turn off.

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I'm glad that the service was something Mark would have wanted. Don't push yourself and expect you should feel like XYZ .. Grieving a loss takes time and you need to be very kind to yourself

Oh I hope your Brother is feeling better sooner rather than later. I'm glad that your going to see a Chiropractor. They can really help.

Take good care of yourself