Bipolar check-in #56

My mom was talking about the crystal thing and that’s why she had me lie down that way. It’s supposed to align the crystals or something. My ears especially my left one have been itching like crazy and I’ll sometimes scratch it so hard it will bleed. So it could be an ear issue. I get them a lot actually.

Just an update on my benzo taper. I'm 55% off of my original dose. I'm pausing at 9mg of Valium while i struggle thru my usual Spring insomnia. Once the temperature stabilizes i'll re-start the taper. I talk to my doctor tomorrow. Hopefully he will support my plan. He's pretty reasonable, so i don't see why not.

Writing this from my balcony. It's been the first time this year that it's been warm enough and i've been well enough to use it. The Wi-Fi is stronger out here than in the living room! Wow, i really have a stunning view!

What does everyone think about my cool new font? It kind of looks like typewriter text, hey?

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 Just an update on my benzo taper. I'm 55% off of my original dose. I'm pausing at 9mg of Valium while i struggle thru my usual Spring insomnia. Once the temperature stabilizes i'll re-start the taper. I talk to my doctor tomorrow. Hopefully he will support my plan. He's pretty reasonable, so i don't see why not. Writing this from my balcony. It's been the first time this year that it's been warm enough and i've been well enough to use it. The Wi-Fi is stronger out here than in the living room! Wow, i really have a stunning view! What does everyone think about my cool new font? It kind of looks like typewriter text, hey?

Great news on your taper! I'm only at .5 Klonopin three times on week nights. The rest of the time I'm still at 1mg twice/day. Very slow, but so far, so good.

I really enjoy good old typewriter font. Last week, I wrote a letter to my daughter using my old typewriter. I really felt good using it. So simple, and I wasn't at the mercy of having to figure out tech stuff.

@BethRags and all:

Grats on YOUR benzo taper! A pox on benzos!

I like typewriters too. So simple and clever. I miss non-solid-state (meaning with moving parts) mechanical devices. They were so fun!

There's a Bill Murray movie called "The Royal Tenenbaums" which features all non-solid-state devices like an old EKG machine with a paper tape and arms that draw out the rhythm as lines... Funny!

Tho computers aren't quite yet 100% solid-state because the hard-drive spins and an arm moves over it. Won't be long before it's invented tho.

Anyways, we've got The Cloud now for storage so our dependence on our local hard-drives is already moot. I don't use The Cloud tho as i'm too concerned about privacy. Also too lazy to figure out how, haha.

Just in a late Sunday afternoon down mood. Typical of a late Sunday afternoon. It's the feeling of not wanting to do anything, yet feeling bored and lonely because I'm not doing anything. I've pretty much accepted that this kind of mood is a no-win, and I just wait for the hours to pass.

Tomorrow, I'm going to ask my therapist when we can meet in person again. She'll probably be vague. We're both vaxxed; everyone working in the clinic is. It seems time to start meeting face to face again. I mean, sheesh.

yes since you are both vaccinated I would be really strong in your request of seeing her with out masks.
bizi

Ooooooo Dinner sounds like heaven!

I really hope M can go with you... But Hell yeah you and Mom go have a blast

"Project Serenity" ???? I love that!

My moods have varied today, staying mostly in melancholy. Occasionally it goes away but then it returns

I'm so anxious tonight. I'm at my sister's pet and chicken sitting and I'm having a hard time not thinking something will break into the chicken coop and kill the chickens. I know this is because one of our chickens at home was killed by a fox or coyote last week but I'm feeling very anxious that I might have done something wrong and risked her flock. They just lost their HUGE rooster so they have something around with strength. They shut the door with a bamboo stick to hold it closed and I'm scared it could be forced open and a chicken or 2 or 10 stolen.

I'm don't know why else I feel so anxious. I'm going to have to take a PRN which isn't usually a big deal but I want to wake up if the dog needs out. She's used to sleeping upstairs and doesn't hear so many night noises but we're sleeping downstairs and she needed out 2 or 3 times last night.

I usually like it alone here but this time I'm having a harder time. I go home Friday and I'm anxiously waiting. Maybe it is because I don't have therapy this week because my therapist is on vacation. But normally I wouldn't have therapy on a week down here so I don't know if it's that.

Oh well. I'm sure this could be much worse. The dog have finally passed out of her chewing phase which is a very good thing. She was a very bad chew-er when she was younger. So far I've not had to stick my hand in her mouth at all. That's a good thing. There are more. There is a cute bunny that eats clover from my hand. I need to find out her name. And the sun porch is wonderful this time of year.

Just gotta let go of the chicken anxiety.....

Hey !!! Thanks everyone Gus is so damn much fun He is a big snuggle bug too! He feels his job in life is to kill bugs, He runs outside pouncing on anything that moves.. Funny to watch, One day he will get a wasp or bee tho

We are awaiting the emergence of Cicadas..This certain brood is only once every 17 years, Millions of them.. The ground just moves, I hate them and OMG they are so loud !!! Well since Gus loves to kill and eat bugs I might have to keep him inside... They have a shell and that shell if eaten can cause internal damage/death.

Hope everyone has a great Monday

Last night around 6:30 I saw a black man sitting on the ground with his hands behind his back and a police officer had his gun drawn at him. I didn’t know what to do and my mom just drove on. It really made me sad. I haven’t heard anything so I guess the guy is ok:

Guess I haven't checked in for about a month.

Having a rough time presently. Went off the nicotine patch 3 weeks ago. Have had horrible insomnia for 3 weeks. My sleep hasn't been this bad in 10 years during a major episode and before I was diagnosed. If I actually fall asleep I can only stay asleep for an hour or two. I'm pretty much taking Ambien every night now. My anxiety has been really bad. Before I started the Ambien it would be physically uncomfortable to lay down and be still, so I'd pace around for literally hours. Raised my gabapentin dose way up for anxiety. My doctor won't write me for anymore clonazepam. He put me on clonidine but I'm scared to take it because it lowers blood pressure. Definitely starting to get depressed. Have burst in to tears here and there. So worried I'm going to get really bad. Also been breaking out and getting itchy for like 5 weeks now. I think the nicotine patches physically jacked me up.. now wishing I stopped with gum instead like before. On the positive side I've been off cigarettes 56 days now.

Took today off work but my son went to school, going to try to grocery shop and do chores since I've done nothing for 3 days. Tired and feel kinda crappy though. I hope I can do it.

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I am having self injury dreams pretty much every night. All the same relative context. I’m injuring myself, someone may or may not be trying to stop me, im doing it anyway while still hoping that someone WILL stop me. I guess it stems from feeling out of control of my emotions at the present time. I hate it though because it lingers all day and then I do want to injure myself.

I was extremely depressed the whole weekend. Yesterday I could barely move. I did the dishes and put the blankets in the wash and that’s about it. After RS came home from fishing he sat with me and gently prodded me to go on a short walk. In an effort to make him happy and also knowing I probably should, I went out with him. Just the small .25 mile loop. But at least I went out. I’m going to try to drag myself out today too.

I have to call our ceremony venue. It is not a super popular venue, especially in the fall when we plan to get married. But I’d still like to book it so it’s there. That way I can ask my friend to photograph the wedding and I can also send out save the dates, although we’re only inviting 15 people. We could easily just tell them but it’s nice to have something tangible to hold on to. We can also look for an officiant. We’re not religious so we want a secular officiant.

See, we weren’t going to get married until next spring but I just don’t want to wait that long. Then RS realized that Oct 16 is on a Saturday and that is his beloved late grandmother’s birthday. She died of cancer 12 years ago and he’s said that the sudden death really affected him and turned him rather bitter right up until he met me. So it’s significant for him.

I'm feeling a bit tired right now. I did a lot of baking in preparation for the family friend who'll be staying with us to do handyman stuff. I made zucchini carrot nut bread and also banana coconut muffins. He likes sweets, a lot, and I know he enjoys this kind of breakfast treat. I don't think many Czechs ever eat these much. The idea of muffins have spread to Czech Republic, but usually mostly blueberry muffins. The usual Czech breakfast is either bread or rolls and butter (maybe with jam). Or, rather muesli with yogurt (for the health-food types). Like some other Europeans, they tend to stick to the same exact breakfast almost daily. Obviously coffee or tea goes with it. My late mother-in law was particularly adamant about only having bread and butter for breakfast, with tea. My husband tells a story about taking her to a marvelous Viennese cafe that had dozens and dozens of paradise-looking pastries, only for her to ask for "bread and butter".

Tomorrow morning my husband applies to establish residency in our current city. He has rather been registered in Prague. Soon after this is done, we should hopefully qualify for public health insurance soon after.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 @BethRags and all: ... There's a Bill Murray movie called "The Royal Tenenbaums" which features all non-solid-state devices like an old EKG machine with a paper tape and arms that draw out the rhythm as lines... Funny! ...

The Royal Tenenbaums is a hilarious movie (but Bill Murray isn't in it ).

Oh, great! I am pretty sure I have oral thrush. Everything I can find on it says see you doctor. I’ve got an appointment already for Wednesday. Until then I’m using salt water and apple cider vinegar mouth rinse. It hurts to eat. Soda is out of the question.

I’d rather go back to bed but I gotta take mum to the hearing aid place and the bank. Maybe I’ll stop somewhere and see if I can get tea tree oil?

That is great!

Just sitting here with my balcony door open. K came over yesterday and fixed my screen door- It had come off the tracks- and my linen/medicine cabinet door which was off its tracks too!

Went to the doctor's office to get my blood work done. We shall see what that shows in a few days.

I did laundry yesterday, but I still have to put it away. It's folded in piles on my living room floor.

Disney World has new mask rules. You don't have to wear them outside and you can eat and drink walking, but once you go inside or get in a ride's "proper line"- meaning, not the extended cues for social distancing- you have to wear your mask. Little by little! I hope we won't have to wear masks at all in March! Won't that be so awesome??

My trip to the blood draw/dr's office was through some construction today. There were signs saying that there is construction coming up but I passed a LOT of signs saying that before I actually got to the construction itself. It's the back way that I take and they had the lane going in my home direction blocked so I took the freeway home today. I hadn't driven on the freeway in ages! MONTHS. At least! A truck wasn't going to let me merge onto the freeway- of course!- so I gunned it and got in front of him! Thank goodness that my new car can do that!- unlike my old Camry. That had zero get-up-and-go. I went the speed limit and didn't miss my exit- although I thought briefly about taking the West exit instead of the East one that leads to my house, because Whole Foods is there and I want to see if they have the dried seaweed that they had last summer, yet. Probably not, but still. Maybe I'll write them a note on the cork board!

@Nammu Can you take tea tree oil by mouth? I've never heard of that. Having thrush is no fun! I remember my friend's son having thrush in his mouth and she used gentian violet which stained his mouth purple/blue but it worked.

Poor Gene!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Oh, great! I am pretty sure I have oral thrush. Everything I can find on it says see you doctor. I’ve got an appointment already for Wednesday. Until then I’m using salt water and apple cider vinegar mouth rinse. It hurts to eat. Soda is out of the question. I’d rather go back to bed but I gotta take mum to the hearing aid place and the bank. Maybe I’ll stop somewhere and see if I can get tea tree oil?

Oh, no!! That sounds horrible. But Wednesday is 2 days...would you be able to go to urgent care?