Bipolar check-in #56

@Nammu Can you take tea tree oil by mouth? I've never heard of that. Having thrush is no fun! I remember my friend's son having thrush in his mouth and she used gentian violet which stained his mouth purple/blue but it worked.

I am having self injury dreams pretty much every night. All the same relative context. I’m injuring myself, someone may or may not be trying to stop me, im doing it anyway while still hoping that someone WILL stop me. I guess it stems from feeling out of control of my emotions at the present time. I hate it though because it lingers all day and then I do want to injure myself.

I was extremely depressed the whole weekend. Yesterday I could barely move. I did the dishes and put the blankets in the wash and that’s about it. After RS came home from fishing he sat with me and gently prodded me to go on a short walk. In an effort to make him happy and also knowing I probably should, I went out with him. Just the small .25 mile loop. But at least I went out. I’m going to try to drag myself out today too.

I have to call our ceremony venue. It is not a super popular venue, especially in the fall when we plan to get married. But I’d still like to book it so it’s there. That way I can ask my friend to photograph the wedding and I can also send out save the dates, although we’re only inviting 15 people. We could easily just tell them but it’s nice to have something tangible to hold on to. We can also look for an officiant. We’re not religious so we want a secular officiant.

See, we weren’t going to get married until next spring but I just don’t want to wait that long. Then RS realized that Oct 16 is on a Saturday and that is his beloved late grandmother’s birthday. She died of cancer 12 years ago and he’s said that the sudden death really affected him and turned him rather bitter right up until he met me. So it’s significant for him.

I'm feeling a bit tired right now. I did a lot of baking in preparation for the family friend who'll be staying with us to do handyman stuff. I made zucchini carrot nut bread and also banana coconut muffins. He likes sweets, a lot, and I know he enjoys this kind of breakfast treat. I don't think many Czechs ever eat these much. The idea of muffins have spread to Czech Republic, but usually mostly blueberry muffins. The usual Czech breakfast is either bread or rolls and butter (maybe with jam). Or, rather muesli with yogurt (for the health-food types). Like some other Europeans, they tend to stick to the same exact breakfast almost daily. Obviously coffee or tea goes with it. My late mother-in law was particularly adamant about only having bread and butter for breakfast, with tea. My husband tells a story about taking her to a marvelous Viennese cafe that had dozens and dozens of paradise-looking pastries, only for her to ask for "bread and butter".

Tomorrow morning my husband applies to establish residency in our current city. He has rather been registered in Prague. Soon after this is done, we should hopefully qualify for public health insurance soon after.

I'm so anxious tonight. I'm at my sister's pet and chicken sitting and I'm having a hard time not thinking something will break into the chicken coop and kill the chickens. I know this is because one of our chickens at home was killed by a fox or coyote last week but I'm feeling very anxious that I might have done something wrong and risked her flock. They just lost their HUGE rooster so they have something around with strength. They shut the door with a bamboo stick to hold it closed and I'm scared it could be forced open and a chicken or 2 or 10 stolen.

I'm don't know why else I feel so anxious. I'm going to have to take a PRN which isn't usually a big deal but I want to wake up if the dog needs out. She's used to sleeping upstairs and doesn't hear so many night noises but we're sleeping downstairs and she needed out 2 or 3 times last night.

I usually like it alone here but this time I'm having a harder time. I go home Friday and I'm anxiously waiting. Maybe it is because I don't have therapy this week because my therapist is on vacation. But normally I wouldn't have therapy on a week down here so I don't know if it's that.

Oh well. I'm sure this could be much worse. The dog have finally passed out of her chewing phase which is a very good thing. She was a very bad chew-er when she was younger. So far I've not had to stick my hand in her mouth at all. That's a good thing. There are more. There is a cute bunny that eats clover from my hand. I need to find out her name. And the sun porch is wonderful this time of year.

Just gotta let go of the chicken anxiety.....

Oh, great! I am pretty sure I have oral thrush. Everything I can find on it says see you doctor. I’ve got an appointment already for Wednesday. Until then I’m using salt water and apple cider vinegar mouth rinse. It hurts to eat. Soda is out of the question.

I’d rather go back to bed but I gotta take mum to the hearing aid place and the bank. Maybe I’ll stop somewhere and see if I can get tea tree oil?

Just sitting here with my balcony door open. K came over yesterday and fixed my screen door- It had come off the tracks- and my linen/medicine cabinet door which was off its tracks too!

Went to the doctor's office to get my blood work done. We shall see what that shows in a few days.

I did laundry yesterday, but I still have to put it away. It's folded in piles on my living room floor.

Disney World has new mask rules. You don't have to wear them outside and you can eat and drink walking, but once you go inside or get in a ride's "proper line"- meaning, not the extended cues for social distancing- you have to wear your mask. Little by little! I hope we won't have to wear masks at all in March! Won't that be so awesome??

My trip to the blood draw/dr's office was through some construction today. There were signs saying that there is construction coming up but I passed a LOT of signs saying that before I actually got to the construction itself. It's the back way that I take and they had the lane going in my home direction blocked so I took the freeway home today. I hadn't driven on the freeway in ages! MONTHS. At least! A truck wasn't going to let me merge onto the freeway- of course!- so I gunned it and got in front of him! Thank goodness that my new car can do that!- unlike my old Camry. That had zero get-up-and-go. I went the speed limit and didn't miss my exit- although I thought briefly about taking the West exit instead of the East one that leads to my house, because Whole Foods is there and I want to see if they have the dried seaweed that they had last summer, yet. Probably not, but still. Maybe I'll write them a note on the cork board!

@Nammu Can you take tea tree oil by mouth? I've never heard of that. Having thrush is no fun! I remember my friend's son having thrush in his mouth and she used gentian violet which stained his mouth purple/blue but it worked.

I'm feeling much less anxious today. No chickens have been harmed. I slammed my finger in the egg box so I have been harmed but that's not so bad. I am even watching an episode of a tv show I love (Call the Midwife). It's been a long time since I sat down and watched something, probably since my family member went on hospice in December.

Tomorrow I hopefully will get out and get dinner out. I'd planned to do that more than I have but haven't felt very well the last 2 days. I seem to have some stomach bug. I have no idea how I caught something but I seem to have managed. But I'm feeling better tonight and tomorrow hopefully will be a completely better day.

@~Christina...You are so very caring towards others on these boards.

@scatterbrained04 and @whatever2013...I hope you get your sleep issues solved soon.

I don't mean to rub anything in, but I have an in-person appointment with my therapist in the morning. I'll discuss the situation that continues to go on concerning my pdoc to see what she thinks. I just don't think I am getting all the help I need from him.

Also, this past week was my first week tracking my points for WW. I lost 5.8 pounds when I weighed in today. In June 2019, I had lost 89 pounds, but gained virtually all of that back during the pandemic. My b-i-l, the doctor, says yo-yo dieting is very unhealthy. WW isn't so much a diet as it is a lifestyle commitment, though. Since I reached my lifetime goal the last time I attended meetings, I only pay $15 a month. AA helps me keep the plug in the jug, so I feel meetings suit me.

Have a great day, all. Sorry I don't post as often, or as thoughtfully as some folks do these days.