Bipolar check-in #59

Soupe du jour · Oct 25, 2021, 02:11 AM

@Blue_Bird, I bet your place smells wonderful from the pumpkin loaf. Looks yummy!

@Sapien, I hope you got a nice and safe night's sleep.

@BethRags, I hope your anxiety and mood extremes ease soon. It's nice it rained there, though. Rain could be restorative. Have you tried mindfulness and visualization (of nice thoughts) as part of the coping tools? Those two are in my toolbox.

Soupe du jour · 04:10 AM

For a change, I can't think of what to do today, other than maybe a walk and regular chores. I have been cooking and baking a lot lately so today needs to be a "leftovers" day.

Yesterday Hubby said he's been feeling depressed. He's restarted taking Wellbutrin XL, daily after taking it every other day. The supplies were leftovers from our old US pharmacy, with one month's worth from my psychiatrist in Czech Republic. When my new psychiatrist replenished it for him, he did so under my name saying 1) Hubby must immediately get his OWN psychiatrist and that 2) He would likely never have prescribed Wellbutrin under my name, otherwise (meaning for me). Our new general practitioner refuses to prescribe psych meds. Hubby asked, for himself. I think doctors here are strict about their prescribing parameters.

Speaking of our general practioner, we need a new one. The older gentleman is always on vacation. When he is there he inevitably messes up our refill requests, often forgetting one (or two). For two days, both Hubby and I have not taken our beta blocker because we ran out, and I already notice a mild tachycardia, for which I take it. You're not supposed to stop it cold turkey! I have already been weaning myself off a blood pressure med (Irbesartin) because of that doctor. Unacceptable! We'll try to get refills today, then look for someone else. Some meds just can't be discontinued. I'm getting low on my thyroid med, too, and my other blood pressure med. I can't have none!

Brentus · 08:37 AM

I cannot seem to let go of my visit to the doctor, and it's debilitating how much it is affecting me. I'm so tired of those around me saying senseless and stupid things like "If you didn't get so upset about it you probably would get headaches." or "I don't know why you let it bother you" ... as if anyone chooses to suffer. I feel like saying "Now that you have pointed out the obvious, I magically am now unaffected by it!" ugh.

I used the online service for my pharmacy to fill a refill prescription. There's a big mess with is, and I've called and been there too many times to try to continue and fix it. It's not the fault of anyone, just how they want to "sync" your meds and because I have meds from different dates they aren't syncing well. They did accept my request to refill for the one I need (I think it's passed time for a refill to be honest, because it was a dosage increase, I already had some on hand I used first). If they run into problems, I'll just ration meds until then. It's not like I take a controlled substance and I've finally had enough issues to realize I don't need to interact with people. It's not worth the pain it will bring to try to correct the issue.

My head hurts this morning, but as of right now it is not a migraine. Let's hope it doesn't become one, as I still haven't received my migraine meds (they were out of stock). I guess one day I can look back and laugh about the migraine I got from the stress of trying to get help with migraines? Yeah, maybe not...

I called today to setup an appointment to have a Primary Care Provider. I'm scared to death of being yelled at and told I haven't a need to be there, as irrational as that is. I've never had a family/general practitioner before. I am afraid of how this session will go. If nothing else, I have gastric reflux, never had bloodwork done, and migraines and headaches. It's worth checking in and making sure I am ok, right? I'm not gonna be attacked for making sure I am healthy? I'm just nervous ... like I said, I've never seen a doctor beyond an urgent care or emergency room (besides a psychiatrist). I'm just unsure how it works and after being treated like a dog I have fears of even dealing with other people.

unlived · Oct 25, 2021, 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I just did something super dumb and I took an extra 20mil of Geodon and when that didn’t work I looked all over for a 25 mil visteril which can somewhat help my anxiety. The 50mil sucks *** though. and I couldn’t find one. But I had a bottle of Ativan from 3 years ago. So I took one. I don’t know if that was safe. Like if those can expire and I don’t know how it will work in relation to my 5 Valium. I don’t know but this anxiety was insane all day and I don’t know if this is really just the Benadryl or if it’s post op anxiety that came up 3 weeks after the surgery. But I don’t ever get like all day med resistant anxiety. Especially when 5 Valium and 200 mil of Geodon are involved. So let’s just hope for the best regarding the 3 year old Ativan. I don’t want to go to the ER for a mental health concern when I was just there twice this month for medical issues. I do have a Pdoc appointment at 2:30 tommrow afternoon but I don’t really know what to tell him or how to tell him what I’ve been feeling in a 15 minute session. I promised my therapist I’d tell my Pdoc about this past Tuesday though.

I feel kinda like the room is spinning but when I close my eyes I’m ok. I honestly think I’m ok I probably just need to eat some sugar.

I don’t like telling people when this stuff happens because then they get annoyed with you after awhile because you are just not trying anymore. Yeah my transference T was also super understanding and helpful the first time I had a med incident. But after it kept going on she just got more frustrated with me and I don’t want my new therapist to get like that with me.

Edit: So now it’s a couple hours later and I still don’t feel great. I took my 20mil melatonin and I doubt I’ll sleep well tonight. I just hope I don’t have a hangover like I did last week when I took stuff. I’m not in danger. I’m breathing ok and stuff. The thing is even if I go to bed at 11 I’ll still wake up at 5 and I’ll be tired. I just can’t get enough sleep no matter what time I fall asleep.

Edit again: I took a 3rd melatonin and slathered my hands and arms in sleep lotion. I ate some Ben and Jerry’s too. So I don’t know if 5 Valium, 1 Ativan, 30mil of melatonin, an extra 20mil Geodon, along with everything else is really safe. But I don’t feel like I’m in danger.

My anxiety was so bad today. And I don’t even know how to describe what type I was feeling. It wasn’t my usual anxiety. It was kind of like this agitated irritable anxiety that I just didn’t like feeling. It wasn’t the i need a lot of reassurance type anxiety or anxiety about anything in particular. Meds always take care of that kind. Which makes me think this was a reaction to the Benadryl. Especially since this is the only thing I did differently in the last 3 days.

You are really risking your life. You are going to end up overdosing one day.

*Beth* · Oct 25, 2021, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too

We sometimes struggle mightily & wonder "what if," on occasion. Sometimes it's better to just acknowledge what you're going through, rather than offering suggestions. Been there; done that. Sometimes the magic works...sometimes it doesn't.

...Oh. And sorry about the Giants. They kept my hope alive deep into game 5 against the Dodgers. At least the fvcking Dodgers lost to Atlanta.

At some point yesterday I thought about what would happen if I acknowledge and accept the depression & anxiety. Still working on that one.

Can you believe it?! The Giants were in first place for quite a while. I really expected them to win! And then the Dodgers blew their chance, too...goes to show how unpredictable baseball can be.

Thank you, buddha. Check in and let us know how you're doing

*Beth* · Oct 25, 2021, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

For a change, I can't think of what to do today, other than maybe a walk and regular chores. I have been cooking and baking a lot lately so today needs to be a "leftovers" day.

Yesterday Hubby said he's been feeling depressed. He's restarted taking Wellbutrin XL, daily after taking it every other day. The supplies were leftovers from our old US pharmacy, with one month's worth from my psychiatrist in Czech Republic. When my new psychiatrist replenished it for him, he did so under my name saying 1) Hubby must immediately get his OWN psychiatrist and that 2) He would likely never have prescribed Wellbutrin under my name, otherwise (meaning for me). Our new general practitioner refuses to prescribe psych meds. Hubby asked, for himself. I think doctors here are strict about their prescribing parameters.

Speaking of our general practioner, we need a new one. The older gentleman is always on vacation. When he is there he inevitably messes up our refill requests, often forgetting one (or two). For two days, both Hubby and I have not taken our beta blocker because we ran out, and I already notice a mild tachycardia, for which I take it. You're not supposed to stop it cold turkey! I have already been weaning myself off a blood pressure med (Irbesartin) because of that doctor. Unacceptable! We'll try to get refills today, then look for someone else. Some meds just can't be discontinued. I'm getting low on my thyroid med, too, and my other blood pressure med. I can't have none!

Yikes, Soupe...a new GP is definitely needed.

I work a lot on mindfulness in therapy. Good, healthy breathing and visualization do take the edge off negative mood states.

Mountaindewed · 10:51 AM

I’m doing good today. I must have just been so anxious yesterday because of the Benadryl. It was an odd type of anxiety to be feeling. Not my usual kind and the Benadryl was the only thing I did differently. I went out grocery shopping and it was a bit anxiety provoking. Stores were crowded. Mainly with a lot of people stocking shelfs. And I always feel like I’m in their way when I try not to be. But they always seem annoyed when you are in the area they are stocking. I found some Pepperidge Farm peppermint cookies and some peppermint yogurt. So the Christmas food is already rolling out. The non food Christmas stuff has been out for awhile. But I got some pumpkin stuff too so the holidays are once again overlapping.

When we were almost home a message came on the car Dashboard that said something like “high heat pull over when safe.” So we pulled over and I’m freaking out and thinking the car is going to explode and I’m telling my mom to take her seatbelt off so we don’t become trapped in case of a fire. She of course doesn’t listen to me. So we sat for a bit pulled over for a few minutes and then my mom started the car again and the level was now in the middle of cool and hot instead of all the way to hot like it was before. So we got home safely we were only a few minutes from home. I actually was riding without my seatbelt on for a bit until my mom kinda made me put it on. She called the car place and they told her to take it in. So hopefully there’s nothing major going on. I don’t drive but I know car repairs can be a ton of money and my mom had already been having issues with this car for a few weeks.

So yeah interesting day and all before noon. I see my Pdoc this afternoon through a video session. I have to tell him about the therapy session I had last Tuesday since I promised my therapist I would. But I don’t think he needs to do anything with my meds. I think I’m in a good place in general despite the fact I’m not sleeping very well. I just need to avoid Benadryl.

Edit: My mom is already back from the car place. The fuel or cooliage or something was low. They fixed it. That was certainly anticlimactic though.

Mountaindewed · 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unlived

You are really risking your life. You are going to end up overdosing one day.

I talked with my mom and told her. She said what I took was a lot but since it was done throughout the day she thinks I’m ok and that I do need to be careful.

I do talk to my mental health team about this all the time. I tell them too what I say on here. They are aware of what I am doing.

Sunflower123 · Oct 25, 2021, 12:48 PM

Well I am back home and back in the swing of things. I appreciated my sister stepping in to help out. I realized that getting away is so essential that I’m going to the Smokies next month for three days and to Vegas in the spring for 4. I got home and realized that the hotel did not charge me for my stay. I wonder if they’ll figure that out.

My mood is sad and antsy. I think it’s the cloudy/rainy weather. I have my sun lamp going but it’s not helping much yet.

My brother is 5’11” and weighs 156 pounds. We’re having difficulty stabilizing his blood pressure. Something tells me it won’t be too very long now. He is not in hospice and I keep driving him to all these doctor’s appointments but I see the deterioration. It scares me. I’m not prepared.

I hope everyone has a good day

buddha1too · Oct 25, 2021, 01:27 PM

You're a very strong and wise woman, @Jennifer 1967. You take such good care of your family yet, now, allow yourself space & time to yourself. Amazing progress!

MuddyBoots · Oct 25, 2021, 02:06 PM

I took all the sleeping meds i can take last night and still only got four hours of sleep broken from stupid graphic nightmares about cutting my foot off (very reminiscent of a hallucination I had in the hospital a few months back)I just took another thorazine about an hour ago and I'm supposed to go to group tonight. I hope I get to talk to the doc. I really need to take as much thorazine as I'm allowed right now I'm starting to realize that becausae at this rate I will hurt myself I'm Iaready feeling every injury I've had in the past year (hip especially) although I'm not really registering the pain I just know it hurts but I don't really feel the hurt if that makes any sense. I'm worried about dinner with my mom,,I don't want to eat today. Idk if it was the nightmare but all day I've wanted to self harm. I feel awfully lost too (also like when I was in the hospital.

Moose72 · Oct 25, 2021, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unlived

You are really risking your life. You are going to end up overdosing one day.

I've said this before! Why doesn't he listen?

Mountaindewed · 03:29 PM

I just had my Pdoc session. I feel kind of gross now. Just the way he encourages my weight loss is strange to me. He’s starting me back on topamax again. This time a higher dose to encourage faster weight loss. I just find it so odd. He asked what I weighed and I told him I weigh 168 and he said that’s not much. I am 5’5 btw so a bit short for a man but 168 still isn’t huge compared to that height. I told him about the surgery and the 2 ER trips after and then the poison control center call on Tuesday. I told him I took all the meds to sleep through my hunger. So maybe he thinks the topamax will help me cut out on my sleep med ODs and then maybe get into a better sleep pattern? That’s the only thing I can think of because he sounds like a wack job. He said he could refer me to a weight loss clinic and a weight loss clinic would probably just send me to an eating disorder clinic instead.

I mean it went decently and I remembered to tell him everything and told him I was happy with my new therapist and I was really happy with my surgery and how I hadn’t been S since and he was happy for me but he just makes me feel kind of gross sometimes. Physically and mentally.

But I think he thinks the topamax will help me cut back on all these meds I’ve been overtaking since my hunger is the reason I take them all in the first place. At least the night ones. Yesterday I took all the benzos because of the Benadryl that was causing insane anxiety and I’ve since thrown the Benadryl out.

Mountaindewed · 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

I've said this before! Why doesn't he listen?

It will hopefully be fixed but my doctor is an over benzo prescribing nut job.

Unless maybe my transference T was the issue. Because she discouraged my weight loss and my new therapist knows about EDs and is helping me figure out a plan on how to eat so I can lose weight. She’s encouraging weight loss but in a healthy way. We are working on meal plans and she’s encouraging more protein and throwing out good suggestions. So maybe my transference t just had an issue with my weight loss. She doesn’t specialize in EDs so maybe she just truly didn’t understand my problem.

Nammu · Oct 25, 2021, 03:58 PM

Don’t go blaming your doctor he never prescribed. and you are adding discontinued meds to the mix. If you’d take your meds on a schedule as prescribed there would be none of the drama

wildflowerchild25 · Oct 25, 2021, 04:27 PM

I don’t really feel much better. I can’t even really say it’s full blown depression, I guess because I’m keeping myself busy. Yesterday I really wanted to stay home all day and watch movies but RS likes to be out doing things and I figured moping around the house wouldn’t help me anyway. We went leaf peeping in the mountains. Unfortunately I had a migraine so I had to take my med, and I was knocked out for like three hours.

This morning it was quite difficult to go to work but again, I figured if I didn’t I’d feel worse, so I made it there. Unfortunately. The two new girls are doing exactly what we said they would. They complained about ME to the social worker. Said I’m “staring” and giving them “dirty looks” LOL. The dirty looks are unintentional and likely misconstrued. But hell yeah I’m “staring” at them!!! They’re sneaky! And it just so happens I sit in between them with my student, so I can see them both perfectly. It’s a habit at this point to survey the whole class once in awhile to make sure everyone is on task. So yeah, I’m gonna glance at you for sure! Hahaha!

They also claimed my student said something she never would have said unless she wasn’t in the right frame of mind and thought they said something first. Apparently my student sneezed and one of them said bless you, and my student supposedly replied “I don’t need blessings from you”. Yeah no. She would never say that in that phrasing and anyway I never heard that come out of her mouth. So unless it was during the 1/2 hour break I take I believe that Is a false accusation designed to get her in trouble.

Ugh. Troublemakers.

At least I see my pdoc tomorrow. I’m going to try to explain what’s going on. I dunno what she can do but we’ll see.

~Christina · Oct 25, 2021, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

Today brought a true storm. The rain has been bashing down all day. What a treat!

I did something I can't remember ever doing before unless I was sick. I have pretty much stayed in bed until a short while ago. I was listening to the rain and just relaxing, Still battling panic, worry, and mind states like those that just won't quit. What really scares me is that it feels like meds aren't helping, at all. I've been on so many meds, there's no where to go with medication. I'm keeping my breathing good and healthy and trying to do some CBT stuff. I'm considering that this may be a mixed state because I have the depression/anxiety, but also have brief times of an ecstasy feeling. Stuck, stuck, stuck.

I saw on the news that areas of California we getting a huge storm and hoped it wasn't going to hit you

As for laying in bed listening to the rain and hopefully some wind for me is the best soothing thing on the planet. I've bought tons of music in the past and even a machine that offered all kinds of sound and Nothing compares of course.

You recent stop of Lamictal cold turkey? I have done that numerous times in the past and I always fell into feelings that you are having

Couple years ago I went off all my meds but I did a slow taper on one med at a time and factoring in the half life too.

I hate that right now you have a sucky out of state useless zoom Pdoc

Hope your able to see the new Pdoc soon.

Until then? just work coping skills until something helps even if its just a little. I hate that you feeling just about all emotions Its really hard.

Question....... when was the last time you did something just for yourself???

~Christina · Oct 25, 2021, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

For a change, I can't think of what to do today, other than maybe a walk and regular chores. I have been cooking and baking a lot lately so today needs to be a "leftovers" day.

Yesterday Hubby said he's been feeling depressed. He's restarted taking Wellbutrin XL, daily after taking it every other day. The supplies were leftovers from our old US pharmacy, with one month's worth from my psychiatrist in Czech Republic. When my new psychiatrist replenished it for him, he did so under my name saying 1) Hubby must immediately get his OWN psychiatrist and that 2) He would likely never have prescribed Wellbutrin under my name, otherwise (meaning for me). Our new general practitioner refuses to prescribe psych meds. Hubby asked, for himself. I think doctors here are strict about their prescribing parameters.

Speaking of our general practioner, we need a new one. The older gentleman is always on vacation. When he is there he inevitably messes up our refill requests, often forgetting one (or two). For two days, both Hubby and I have not taken our beta blocker because we ran out, and I already notice a mild tachycardia, for which I take it. You're not supposed to stop it cold turkey! I have already been weaning myself off a blood pressure med (Irbesartin) because of that doctor. Unacceptable! We'll try to get refills today, then look for someone else. Some meds just can't be discontinued. I'm getting low on my thyroid med, too, and my other blood pressure med. I can't have none!

Oh yes time for a new GP. That's crazy that meds that you really need are not being filled correctly.. Yes Tachycardia is not something you want to go cold turkey off medication. Hope that all gets sorted out quickly. I think I remember you saying you have used a walk in clinic.. Can you go there to get your meds filled until you find a new GP??? Or does CR not really offer that kind of help? I'm not sure how health care is handled there.

Good for you taking a " left over " day. I actually enjoy doing that.

HALLIEBETH87 · Oct 25, 2021, 04:59 PM

Mountain dewed You taking lots of risks abusing your meds. Please be careful

~Christina · Oct 25, 2021, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Well I am back home and back in the swing of things. I appreciated my sister stepping in to help out. I realized that getting away is so essential that I’m going to the Smokies next month for three days and to Vegas in the spring for 4. I got home and realized that the hotel did not charge me for my stay. I wonder if they’ll figure that out.

My mood is sad and antsy. I think it’s the cloudy/rainy weather. I have my sun lamp going but it’s not helping much yet.

My brother is 5’11” and weighs 156 pounds. We’re having difficulty stabilizing his blood pressure. Something tells me it won’t be too very long now. He is not in hospice and I keep driving him to all these doctor’s appointments but I see the deterioration. It scares me. I’m not prepared.

I hope everyone has a good day

I'm glad you got away and even more glad that you are planning more trips it is beyond important to put yourself first. The whole oxygen mask on a plane. Are you still seeing your T?

Hope the hotel doesnt catch that LOL

~Christina · Oct 25, 2021, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I don’t really feel much better. I can’t even really say it’s full blown depression, I guess because I’m keeping myself busy. Yesterday I really wanted to stay home all day and watch movies but RS likes to be out doing things and I figured moping around the house wouldn’t help me anyway. We went leaf peeping in the mountains. Unfortunately I had a migraine so I had to take my med, and I was knocked out for like three hours.

This morning it was quite difficult to go to work but again, I figured if I didn’t I’d feel worse, so I made it there. Unfortunately. The two new girls are doing exactly what we said they would. They complained about ME to the social worker. Said I’m “staring” and giving them “dirty looks” LOL. The dirty looks are unintentional and likely misconstrued. But hell yeah I’m “staring” at them!!! They’re sneaky! And it just so happens I sit in between them with my student, so I can see them both perfectly. It’s a habit at this point to survey the whole class once in awhile to make sure everyone is on task. So yeah, I’m gonna glance at you for sure! Hahaha!

They also claimed my student said something she never would have said unless she wasn’t in the right frame of mind and thought they said something first. Apparently my student sneezed and one of them said bless you, and my student supposedly replied “I don’t need blessings from you”. Yeah no. She would never say that in that phrasing and anyway I never heard that come out of her mouth. So unless it was during the 1/2 hour break I take I believe that Is a false accusation designed to get her in trouble.

Ugh. Troublemakers.

At least I see my pdoc tomorrow. I’m going to try to explain what’s going on. I dunno what she can do but we’ll see.

I'm glad you got out for a bit. Sorry the Migraine happened

Oh I can only imagine those 2 girls just disrupting the entire class.. Hope they get split up !!

Maybe Pdoc can do something and maybe not. For me in the past sometimes it helps to just word vomit..

Are you're leaves turning alot?? Ours usually peak in early November. I want to try and save some this year.

~Christina · Oct 25, 2021, 05:19 PM

I took a fast fast walk today and I learned the shoes I had on are a " oh never again" I walked though our property to the road. I am surprised I didn't break any thing my ankle just was rolling and my foot was sliding. The shoes were Sketchers and " Go walk" Hahaha they suck! Won't wear those next time. I wish I had someone to walk with. Steve can normally go but I am hell bent on going fast to help drop my Blood sugar numbers.

So I took Gus of course.. Good grief Y'all he's a damn mess he is always grabbing big branches and just carries them.. He's 8 lbs but thinks he is a St Bernard

I got him a flopping fish toy. Its like he is a Grizzy with a Salmon.. Ill post the pic using Tapatalk.

I hope everyone is a having a good day and to anyone struggling just know you are not alone and to be extra kind to yourself

~Christina · Oct 25, 2021, 05:23 PM

He was straight up low growling that sounded like “ nom nom nom “

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Blue_Bird · Oct 25, 2021, 09:03 PM

I carved pumpkins today. One was a Frankenstein (it came out a little lopsided) and one was a cat (it's tail fell off lol) I tried my best. I'm not very experienced with carving more intricate designs. And also haven't carved pumpkins at all in a long time.

I have horrible heartburn right now. It feels terrible. The famotidine is really not helping with my acid reflux unfortunately. I talk to my doctor on Thursday so maybe he has some idea of what to do about that. I think he said if the famotidine didn't work he'd have me try omeprazole next.

BeyondtheRainbow · Oct 25, 2021, 09:05 PM

BlueBird, your pumpkins are great. I couldn't have done that without lopping off a few fingers.

Have you seen pictures of your kitten prospects yet? I can't remember when you said that would be.

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Bipolar check-in #59

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