Bipolar check-in #59

Sorry Christina. I just hope you don’t end up where you were before with no sleep, that was terrible 😢

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Originally Posted by Nammu .... Talked my daughter into going to the wreath and candles making class with me. That should be super fun. It’s not until the end of November but there were only 4 spots left. Class size is limited to eight. Better for instructions. Looking forward to it.

That sounds amazingly fun!

We're finally getting some rain out here! The drought is terrible and rain is desperately needed.

I've been battling depression for weeks by noticing my breathing and making an enormous effort to feel some joy, even if the feeling only lasts a few minutes. Since medication is only slightly helpful any more, I'm thinking neuro burn-out, that situation when the brain isn't responding to meds any more because of taking meds for so many years.

Beth do you think a med vacation might help?

I have spent the past week visiting various bluffs, ravines, and waterfalls across the state, and I have gotten very much into HIIT over the past couple weeks too. I encountered my first snow! Kept me off the summits of Mts. Madison and Adams along with 50+mph winds! I feel inspired, but too speedy to write anything so I just enjjoy my poetic, quick, loud,robust, ryming thoughts, . I got a guitar too!

I tried the 20mil melatonin and the sleep lotion and I closed my blackout curtains. I usually do take a Benadryl with the melatonin. My mom got the wrong kind but I think it will work the same. I don’t think I’m being dishonest to my therapist. I’m just taking what I usually take.

Those generics are all different. The name brand ligiud Benadryl worked great. I hope I don’t have an issue in the morning. Like with tiredness or hunger.

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Originally Posted by Nammu Beth do you think a med vacation might help?

I wonder about that, too. The pdoc at my clinic is horrid but, thankfully, she is temporary while they hired a permanent pdoc. I've heard good reports about the pdoc they hired. I'm told he'll start taking appointments by next month. SO, if he's a decent pdoc I will talk with him about a med vacation. Once upon a time med vacations were a respected aspect of treatment. I don't know if they still are.

Just my opinion cause I’m no doctor or even an expert but I think monitored med vacations can do a lot of good. But then that was my personal experience. I had a great T who kept me apprised of any sudden moods and helped me stay calm and even. Then when I went back on meds it was new meds and far less. Granted I waited too long to go back on the meds. I waited 2 1/2 years until I was in the middle of a mixed episode. Mixed I can’t tolerate so I got meds pronto when that happened

I helped my mom's husband winterize the motorhome today and in return he bought us both Wendy's. My chicken sandwich was HOT! Lots of pickles which I don't remember that sandwich having, but they were good anyway.

My friend Caleb has been having problems with his back for 2 months at least now. Severe ongoing pain. He has only worked sporadically in this time. He started seeing an orthopedist (I think that's what it's called) recently and he was at that doctor today and they told him to go to the ER! So he went. Now they want to do surgery in the morning. He can't take anything for the pain- which has been persistent for the whole 2 months, sometimes agonizing, sometimes less so. So please keep him in your thoughts. He didn't bring his phone charger because he didn't know they were going to keep him and his phone is down to 60%.

I was watching Johnny Carson clips/whole shows this evening on YouTube. That was a pretty funny show. I actually went to one of them back in 1991 on a choir tour. I forget who the guests were. I guess I wasn't that thrilled with it, though I should've been. Anyway, there is a whole YouTube channel devoted to Johnny Carson clips and whole shows. They even show the commercials that played back then! Those are really fun.

Edit: John Candy! And Caleb's friend saw his post on FB about not having a charger and brought him one!

I don’t have any hunger or drowsiness from the Benadryl. But it didn’t really work. I woke up before 3 and I got a bit of sleep after. I’m just anxious basically and I don’t want to get out of bed. This is funny but I didn’t want to wear pants last night to bed. I just slept in my fruit of the loom underwear until I woke up. No clue why. My pants I was wearing were pretty loose. I had planned on shopping today but I don’t know if I have the energy to even get out of bed and take a shower. My mood could for sure be weather related.

I tried leaving my house to go grocery shopping but once I got outside I was like not today. So now I’m back in bed but at least now I’m sitting up and I have the light on. But my bed is not made and I need to do laundry and I have TV shows to watch but just no motivation for anything.

Something spilled all over my bed and I think it was a Mountain Dew zero sugar but I finished it so I don’t know how so much got on my bed. I for sure did not pee myself. That I would know. Although my bed looks like I did. I was was wearing jeans That all of a sudden don’t fit. Like I can barely button them and they fit fine a week ago and I have not gained any weight. I don’t have the money for anything and bills just keep coming in I can’t afford new pants on top of everything.

But I could use a double Valium right now and it’s still really early. The only difference from today and yesterday regarding my anxiety is the generic brand of Benadryl I took. But I did make my bed and I cleaned up a bit.

Does anyone know if Benadryl can increase anxiety? This feels like the anxiety I would get on visteril. Which is in the same class as Benadryl. I was on that for awhile until I forced my former Pdoc to give me Ativan since the only thing that helps my anxiety is benzos.

I just took 2 Valium’s. I’m still kinda agitated but not anxious. Benzos work so good it sucks that some doctors don’t prescribe them. They can take care of massive panic attacks almost instantly.

I currently have some homemade pumpkin bread baking in the oven! So excited! This is my 2nd time ever baking a dessert bread. The first was when I baked the banana walnut bread a month or so ago. I'm glad I bought some loaf pans, it's fun!

Also I got a couple of big pumpkins so I can carve them tomorrow. I'm thinking of doing a Frankenstein one and a Vampire one. Yesterday and today I've felt better in regards to the paranoia stuff.

It's a lot cooler outside now. I love it.

Here’s a pic of the pumpkin bread below

The bread looks good blue bird.

Feel like slow lava seeping into my body….😕

That bread looks yummy ! So glad that you are feeling better

I'm sorry your feeling this way. Feel free if you want to offer details on how your feeling.

Welcome

What a nice visit with SIL and BIL. They left a short while ago to visit an Amish ( who left the community) friend before making that yucky drive back to Florida. They really liked that property, they also looked at a place that was more flat and not half wooded. It makes more sense for them to go that route since they have Horses and cows. Its likely they will make an offer on it, They need to hurry up and sell there place down there.

I'm dealing with the after math of all that hiking yesterday but that is Okay it felt good to actually really get out and moving, My Blood sugar was lower this am. I told Steve "okay guess we need to go hiking daily" lol

Hope everyone is having a nice Sunday

I finally just said F it and I ordered a pizza and cheesy breads from Dominoes and I turned on reality TV all day. I’ve taken 5 Valium so it was a lot. I feel ok just kinda headachy and light headed from everything. I can’t believe that Benadryl messed up my anxiety that badly.

I’m still kinda feeling it even with the 5 Valium. I took my 20mil Geodon too. I’m not sure exactly what else I can do. I take my lamictal and propalanol in 10 minutes. My 160 mil Geodon I can take in a couple hours or so.

Edit: I just took everything now. The lamictal and propalnol and the 160mil geodon. It’s early but I just want some relief from this anxiety I’ve had all day that 5 ****ing 5mil Valium didn’t take care of. At this point I can’t concentrate on weight loss or anything healthy for my body. If I want to eat a bunch of candy and if it will make my anxiety better, then I’ll do it.

But if you have high anxiety do not get generic Benadryl.

Ok so I took all my meds and everything I can safely take besides my sleep meds and my anxiety is still extremes. I don’t know what else I can do.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed ... Does anyone know if Benadryl can increase anxiety? This feels like the anxiety I would get on visteril. Which is in the same class as Benadryl. I was on that for awhile until I forced my former Pdoc to give me Ativan since the only thing that helps my anxiety is benzos.

Some years ago my husband took Benadryl to help his sleep and he had a bad panic attack. I know that some people have adverse reactions from diphenhydramine.

I just did something super dumb and I took an extra 20mil of Geodon and when that didn’t work I looked all over for a 25 mil visteril which can somewhat help my anxiety. The 50mil sucks *** though. and I couldn’t find one. But I had a bottle of Ativan from 3 years ago. So I took one. I don’t know if that was safe. Like if those can expire and I don’t know how it will work in relation to my 5 Valium. I don’t know but this anxiety was insane all day and I don’t know if this is really just the Benadryl or if it’s post op anxiety that came up 3 weeks after the surgery. But I don’t ever get like all day med resistant anxiety. Especially when 5 Valium and 200 mil of Geodon are involved. So let’s just hope for the best regarding the 3 year old Ativan. I don’t want to go to the ER for a mental health concern when I was just there twice this month for medical issues. I do have a Pdoc appointment at 2:30 tommrow afternoon but I don’t really know what to tell him or how to tell him what I’ve been feeling in a 15 minute session. I promised my therapist I’d tell my Pdoc about this past Tuesday though.

I feel kinda like the room is spinning but when I close my eyes I’m ok. I honestly think I’m ok I probably just need to eat some sugar.

I don’t like telling people when this stuff happens because then they get annoyed with you after awhile because you are just not trying anymore. Yeah my transference T was also super understanding and helpful the first time I had a med incident. But after it kept going on she just got more frustrated with me and I don’t want my new therapist to get like that with me.

Edit: So now it’s a couple hours later and I still don’t feel great. I took my 20mil melatonin and I doubt I’ll sleep well tonight. I just hope I don’t have a hangover like I did last week when I took stuff. I’m not in danger. I’m breathing ok and stuff. The thing is even if I go to bed at 11 I’ll still wake up at 5 and I’ll be tired. I just can’t get enough sleep no matter what time I fall asleep.

Edit again: I took a 3rd melatonin and slathered my hands and arms in sleep lotion. I ate some Ben and Jerry’s too. So I don’t know if 5 Valium, 1 Ativan, 30mil of melatonin, an extra 20mil Geodon, along with everything else is really safe. But I don’t feel like I’m in danger.

My anxiety was so bad today. And I don’t even know how to describe what type I was feeling. It wasn’t my usual anxiety. It was kind of like this agitated irritable anxiety that I just didn’t like feeling. It wasn’t the i need a lot of reassurance type anxiety or anxiety about anything in particular. Meds always take care of that kind. Which makes me think this was a reaction to the Benadryl. Especially since this is the only thing I did differently in the last 3 days.

Learning how to sit with distress all over again,, this isn't fun (right now)!!! I have this urge to waste all my money my lawyer would tell me to act on that if I had one that is because the last one i saw poked fun at me because she could tell I was a Kool Kat. I'm pulling out all the stops to sleep tonight (within reason the plan is to ) and there aren't much to take except the except the "gotta do this gotta do that gotta keep on keeping on gotta keep writing can't stop playing do this no do that no rest not "no, rest" just "no rest" so I'm taking a very small dose of valium, 2mg of melatonin, lavender & chamomile tea, 50mg of thorazine (and an extra one if that doesn't work), along with my regular meds I have NO set plans tomorrow so hopefully I'll sleep like 12 hours. I don't know what's going on but I just feel so FRANTICally FRENZIED!!

Today brought a true storm. The rain has been bashing down all day. What a treat!

I did something I can't remember ever doing before unless I was sick. I have pretty much stayed in bed until a short while ago. I was listening to the rain and just relaxing, Still battling panic, worry, and mind states like those that just won't quit. What really scares me is that it feels like meds aren't helping, at all. I've been on so many meds, there's no where to go with medication. I'm keeping my breathing good and healthy and trying to do some CBT stuff. I'm considering that this may be a mixed state because I have the depression/anxiety, but also have brief times of an ecstasy feeling. Stuck, stuck, stuck.

I'd say your body needs some rest about now @Sapien. I understand the urge to keep going, but I know there's sometimes hell to pay physically & otherwise. Take a snooze.

you must have needed a day of rest.
bizi

We sometimes struggle mightily & wonder "what if," on occasion. Sometimes it's better to just acknowledge what you're going through, rather than offering suggestions. Been there; done that. Sometimes the magic works...sometimes it doesn't.

...Oh. And sorry about the Giants. They kept my hope alive deep into game 5 against the Dodgers. At least the fvcking Dodgers lost to Atlanta.

Hi Buddha, long time. Welcome back.