Bipolar check-in #59

The nurse said to go to the ER. So I am heading there now. This is not normal and some of my stitches could have come undone. Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This is kinda scaring me.

Oh wow, a grown man like that really needs to be in a care home for his own safety.

I hope that they can get it taken care of quickly and easily!

I’ve been off for a few days, sort of depressed, anxious, and irritable. I believe it’s hormonal but if it hasn’t died down I do have an appt already with my pdoc on Tuesday so I’ll bring it up with her.

Work was an absolute s—-show today. Like unbelievable. It’s the first day since I’ve worked there that I actually didn’t want to be a part of it anymore, and not fit anything the students did (they were off the chain but that’s not the real problem).

The school is run by a hospital which in turn is run by a corporation. So the school is also considered a business that must be profitable. Therefore our “numbers are down” in terms of student enrollment and this is apparently a big issue. Which infuriates me, I do not think corporations with dollar signs for eyes should keep being allowed to take over independent hospitals. Even the one I’ve been inpatient in a dozen or so times is now incorporated into a large hospital conglomerate. That hospital was opened 100 years ago and has remained an independent entity for that whole time.

But I digress. The point is because of this we are accepting students who have no business being there AND need one to ones that we can’t supply because we have no staff. We’re now down 8 one to ones and another is about to leave for the police academy. Two new students in our room require one to ones. The first one shouldn’t be with us in the first place, she is autistic which is not a problem in and of itself but she is very low functioning, in terms of being able to process and recall information. She is also very aggressive. So day to day, even hour to hour she can’t remember her behavior plan and gets aggressive, like really aggressive. She tried to choke our staff member today. She needs a one to one desperately and surprise! We have no one. She should never have been accepted, at least without a staff member ready to go.

Three more girls started and immediately upset the apple cart in our room. The one barely ever comes to school so whatever but the other two are thick as thieves already, full of attitude and ready to stir up trouble. Again, that’s what we’re here for, no problem, but not in MY classroom. We are a clinical room. We are dealing with fragile students with fragile mental states. These two girls are not going to be nice to our needy students. They are going to talk and whisper and giggle behind the other students’ backs. Make fun of them. My student already gets paranoid when she thinks people are talking bad about her and most of the time it’s just part of her disorder but now they really WILL be talking about her and making fun of her. It’s going to turn into an us vs them situation very quickly, with the psych clinical girls getting hurt.

We’re going to bring our concerns to admin but I guarantee they’re just gonna turn up their hands and say deal with it. The two girls need to be split up. I don’t care who stays because they’re both nice on their own but they can’t stay together. Admin said they’re probably going to move the other girl but she’s not the issue, she only been in school four days since class started in September!

And on top of this we’re supposed to switch classrooms on Monday, which thank god bc the new one at least has room for everyone, but when exactly we’re we supposed to get it done? We’ve had pointless meetings after pointless meeting for WEEKS. This week we’ve had a meeting after school every day, and tomorrow we have yet another in service after school!!! And they expect us to be all moved in to the new room by Monday???? UGH it’s so infuriating!!!

Anyway that’s my rant…I have to say though the rage is a lot easier to deal with than the anxiety and looming depression for me. The rage feels powerful, not useless like depression.

New books are a good buy- I'm glad I got them. Almost 80 pages in in just an afternoon!

Hi everyone
I haven't been too good lately. My job became so chaotic that I snapped and decided to go into IOP. I've been there a week longer than planned, but I'm hoping this switch to Rexulti will help. At the same time, I'm going to look into tms since my depression is a constant problem for me. Has anyone tried this?

20 miles away can be the perfect distance from close relatives. Not too close, yet not too far, either. Does that s-i-l currently live about that far? The property you describe sounds bucolic. You were relaxing me as I read your description.

I am glad you got at least some sleep. I hope the clocked sleep hours at least double soon.

It's for the best that you get that bleeding looked into. I know how hospitals suck, though. Hopefully you'll get to go home quickly. Take care, Mountaindewed!

Thanks everyone. They said I shouldn’t be bleeding 3 weeks later but they aren’t sure why unless it’s just some surgery stuff that just now came out. But they did a scan of my stomach and some blood work which was ok. They also did a quick internal and they saw blood but not that much. They want me to do a follow up with a gynecologist today. My usual one is in surgery so I’ll have to see another one. I’m having very light spotting but I’m still having some pain.

The ER was crazy last night. There were a ton of people in the waiting room and they were getting called before me. So I was kind of confused and thinking I wasn’t being taken seriously. But then they finally brought me back and I got my own room with walls. Which was nice. Everyone was nice they were just confused about why I was bleeding like that 3 weeks later. When I went back for my scan I saw the 2 people who were called before me in beds in the hallways. So I’m guessing they got called back first because I needed my own room.

The 2 women next to me were interesting. One was there for a root canal that she thought had abscessed. But she was ok. The lady next to me I think was there because she ran out of her klonpin and had a history of seizures. So they gave her some meds and she left. Then a guy with a bad hand injury came in.

So I’m ok. I’m in pain and I have some slight bleeding but it’s not the huge clots like it was last night. I’ll see what my mom says about following up with the gynecologist today. We are having my family over for my nephews birthday. So we have a lot to do today.

I got home close to 11 and I was just exhausted and I fell asleep fully clothed in jeans and my hoodie and without any melatonin and I slept until my usual time. I don’t feel tired.

My regular gynecologist office called. They asked how I was doing and they had the report from the hospital. I said the bleeding was ok but the pain was still there. The lady on the phone said to just keep an eye on things. If the bleeding returns or if my pain increases to call them. But I am ok right now and I plan on just taking it easy all day and staying in bed for a lot of the day. My family is coming over at 2PM and they are staying past dinner. My brother in laws mother is coming over tomorrow and they don’t really care for her plus she’s not vaccinated so they don’t allow her to stay in the house. So they just want to spend all day today with us. It makes my mom really happy that they like to be around us so much.

But yesterday was kinda like, well if I still had one, my uterus just threw up whatever was left from the surgery. Kind of like when you think your done with your period but your not. I don’t have a uterus anymore but something similar to that happened last night.

This is the 3rd incident this week. The suitcase lifting pain and all those calls on Monday. The poison control center incident on Tuesday. Then this yesterday. I hope next week is calm.

I’m using text to speech from my phone because I am having a hard time staring at the screen. I developed a migraine last night and it’s continued into today. At least I know what the trigger is. A few months ago this happened a few days after a debacle with a family dilemma. Then the pharmacy thing. Now with my cat passing, a few days later I have a migraine. Chances are stress triggers these. I do all I know to do at home. A hot bath with a warm compress on neck, headache medicine OTC, dark room etc. I am determined if this does not disappear in an hour I’m going to the hospital and begging for something. I know they have medicines they can do by IV to help. Sumatriptans, antiemetics, hell, valproic acid. That’s still last resort, but I can’t go through this. My life is too stressful to suffer this way. I don’t know who to see about getting medicines as prophylaxis. I don’t technically have a primary care physician. But I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I suffer from headaches a lot, but migraines I am not able to withstand.

I need help.

I take magnesium as a preventative and it works really well. But you need to talk to a doctor to be sure that's ok for you.

I hope your migraine ends soon. They are certainly no fun.

I can't decide what to do! I have so many things going on. I've got my two new books sitting next to me. I keep looking at my library of personal books and keep thinking "I want to reread that and that...!". I also have a Netflix movie on pause- the starling- and I'm watching YouTube videos!

No joke I’m ready to quit. There’s some shady s—- going down. My supervisor “resigned” today but general consensus is it was not voluntary. Between that, the assistant director being a raging power hungry beyotch, and the director being a corporate stooge desperate to make sure we “look good” on paper…I dunno. I’m not down with this. We are not student focused right now, we are business focused, and I don’t like it.

I’m considering starting over at a new university to get my teacher of students with disabilities endorsement and POSSIBLY look into becoming a teacher again in a few years. I could probably handle being a teacher in my current school but not under the assistant director’s iron fist. I’d have to choose carefully. Ideally I could get into my old high school, that is a true non profit school run off of state funding and big donations and endowments. I wouldn’t mind driving an hour if I was getting paid a teacher’s salary. I just don’t know if my mental health would allow it. If I do start at a new university (which I’d have to, I did so poorly at my old uni that it’s better to leave and start over) it would take me 2.5 years to complete the endorsement anyway. Enough time to still think about it and if I get my endorsement, then at least I have it should I choose to move on.

This was day two of rage. I calmed down by the time I got home though and I think tomorrow I’m going to spend the morning cleaning so it’ll all be good.

I'm going to call the urgent care in town tomorrow to see if they treat headaches. My mom said since the other urgent care clinic came in town, they run more like a primary care doctor's office. We will see. I just can't go through this pain anymore. I've had too many too frequently to not have something to counteract it. I shouldn't suffer if I don't have to and I'm not gonna withstand it when I know there is help out there.

I guess my medicines are working. Depression is managed for sure, anxiety somewhat I guess. I'm tired of fighting that fight though. If I can make it through my day, it's not worth fighting to find the right med,. I've done so poorly on so many anyway. I'm gonna focus on just trying to better my quality of life one step at a time. Let's get a safety net for these headaches and migraines.

Also weighed myself tonight and I was not happy with the results. I really hope I can reverse course on that one.

Hi wildflowerchild. I think all teachers should be greatly appreciated, but the work you do with children with special needs is uniquely important and I assume more challenging than other fields. Please do stand by your principles while also ensuring your own well-being. Thanks for what you do!

My late nephew and even my brother had to attend special schools in their youth, because of unique challenges. Their potential is/was very great. I know even from my own experience how important a great teacher can be. I had to be transferred to a private school for various reasons, and even there I wasn't always "an easy student to deal with", so to speak. But my great teachers made a huge difference for me and will be remembered for a lifetime.

I hope the urgent care place can help you, WindsThatBlow. During the last couple of years my husband and I lived in New Jersey we mostly only went to an urgent care facility. Though we liked our primary care doctor, he was never really available and his staff were obnoxious. Plus, urgent care can be so so much more pleasant than having to go to a hospital ER.

Though the visitation co-pay was higher at the urgent care than our primary care doc, it was much cheaper than the ER. To go to the ER was a nightmare, every time. At the urgent care our waits were significantly shorter and more pleasant, and they could do a number of things that an ER does, but a primary doesn't. The one we went to even had a typical NJ diner next door. The urgent care let you go to the diner, and then called your cell phone when your number came up. We'd sit in the urgent care drinking coffee and eating either breakfast or some other food. Loved that place!

I had a period of severe migraines maybe five years ago for a good two years. They were so bad that all I did was vomit each time I got one. I ended up going to a neurologist and she prescribed sumatriptan self-injections. The thought of them was daunting in the beginning, but they worked so great and so fast that I got over that mental discomfort (they didn't actually hurt). I agree stress can be a trigger, as well as other things. For what it is worth, mine eventually stopped. I haven't had a migraine for about those five years. Hope yours stop, too.

Hubby and I are just waiting for our hybrid Subaru Crosstrek to be ready to pick up in Prague. We had it shipped from the US to us in Europe. Many here have likely heard how backed up shipping has been, because of covid. Well, our car took a long long time, too. Once we get it, we want to quickly buy a new charging cable that works in Europe and then we're on the road to France.

The time has come to try to figure out where we want to settle more permanently. France or Czech Republic. I don't want to keep renting when that money should go towards a real estate investment, before the money runs low. I also need to know which language I should be intensely studying. Also, work opportunities for Hubby and maybe someday even me. I want to be more productive. I was always a career-oriented woman. I hope to be again, to at least some degree.

@WindsThatBlow

I have awful migraines and I eventually had to see a neurologist because they were disabling and would go on for days. The neuro tried a couple of triptans until I found one with side effects I could deal with. I’m sure there’s one I could take that wouldn’t have any side effects but since I don’t get them very often I just deal with the side effects when I do. They’re much better than the actual migraine and usually dissipate after an hour.

Neuros in my area take months to get into though. It’s a real shame.

I’m doing ok today. I had a good amount of light bleeding today and my stomach is in pain. But overall I’m ok. I accidentally sent a package to my old address. So now it’s going to take another week to get to my correct address. It was from Sams Club and I put in my new address but I guess there’s a difference between billing and shipping and I just looked at the billing part. So now I don’t know how it will arrive but I’ve had this happen before and it’s usually just forwarded. I did the same thing with something on eBay. It came a week later. This is the 3rd time I think I’ve done it. I don’t know how it works but it has always gotten to my house. I don’t know if the new owners take care of it or if FedEx does. I hope no one gets pissed. I had an Amazon issue too today but that was taken care of. I don’t know if it was a shady seller or what. But my thing never arrived and the company doesn’t do business with Amazon anymore. Whatever that means. But I got a refund

I am so tired. I am so F*&@ing tired of this crap. Why can I not have an experience with people that doesn’t end in disaster. I called the urgent care facility and explained, explicitly – that I don’t have a primary care physician (PHP) but I’ve been dealing with migraines and headaches and is that something they could treat me for. They said yes. I went through the process of making an appointment and everything and got there and filled out paperwork etc. I waited a long time, but I expected that. I heard the staff in the hallway talking about me, because they seemed really confused why I was there. When the APRN came in, I started by explaining I called and was told they could help me. She did say she could give me some imitrex, but adamantly, and rather forcefully, told me that a PCP has to take care of stuff like this and it’s not their place to do it. I asked, why wasn’t I told that when I called before hand and asked if this was something they could do.

She got hateful, and it just went back and forth to the point she told me I could leave if I didn’t like her advice. I told her, again, what my issue was, how she dismissed it as she told me “she didn’t answer this phone and this was her last day anyway” and that I will go to a PHP to follow-up, but I would appreciate medicines. She hatefully asked me my pharmacy.

She had another person tell me I could leave. I asked if I would get any papers (discharge) or anything, she asked if I needed them, and I explain that I don’t – I just was used to that. I asked the APRN for her name and she refused to give it to me. I reiterated 2-3 times. So I am not allowed to know the name of the provider I saw and prescribed medicine? I told her I was going to file a complaint and she clapped her hands and laughed and said “HAHA., IT’S MY LAST DAY.” – I let her know I do know what the board of nursing is, and left. I’m so angry I am shaking. WHY CAN’T I HAVE AN INTERACTION THAT DOESN’T END LIKE THIS. Is it me? Is it really me? I just can’t deal with people. I just really can’t. I'm asbolutely giving up. People are not worth it, feeling "better" isn't worth the drama to try to get there. I'd much rather suffer and die this way than deal with people in this way. If it's my fault they don't deserve it, if they are left feeling any bit as awful as it makes me feel.

I don't even want to pick up the medicine because I am angry and my pharmacy, while interactions have settled -- make me anxious and awful feeling and I feel I've been in there too many damn times.

EDIT: Fun note, the APRN put the Imitrex in as name brand only nasal spray, so it's of course not in stock and should be by Tuesday. I don't have a migraine right now anyway but chances are give it two days, this stress will cause one. I hope to God I don't have to suffer. I'm at my wits end. If anyone may have it on hand, it would be the small-town pharmacies which aren't open on weekends. I've called two pharmacies and they don't have it. Again, it's not like it is pressing but it is pressing. I just know I'm going to have to suffer. I really am so tired of this round and round. I am made out to be incompetent and the bad guy in these situations.


Suffering in silence at least means I'm not suffering to fight to not suffer. It's not worth it. I've lived this long just "dealing with it". I will continue. I am not sure what the next step is, but if it were made today -- I'd cancel all appointments and just go back to suffering alone. I just am tired of problem after problem with common denominator being me.

I don't even have an ability to do that today (nor would I, I am just really upset) but I hope the feeling passes... but I am not sure at this point I can wave it away and call it some "bad experiences but the ends justify the means."

I got my Sams Club order fixed. They issued a refund and I reordered it to my correct address. So I guess the new homeowners at my last place just got a free box of protein shakes. I’m not exactly sure what they will or are able to do though. I’d personally return it to Sams Club and explain things or drop it back off at FedEx. But that may be too much of a hassle for them so if they choose to keep it I don’t care. I don’t want to create more work for people when it was my fault.

I was feeling kinda cranky and I knew it was food related so I ate a giant pumpkin muffin and I had a mug of mint herbal tea and I’m feeling better now.

I want to go out but I’m not really sure where I want to go. I never go out on the weekend. Even before Covid hit I never went out except during school hours and very early on Sunday mornings. Also all my therapists live in the area and I don’t want to run into any of them.

I’m still kinda anxious so I took half my night meds and a Valium with a mug of tension tamer tea. I told my therapist I sometimes take Valium with tension tamer tea and it works really well and she said “of course it’s going to work really well” she thought it was funny but I’m going to try to scale back on these med discussions since people can get pissed real fast. She was great on Monday with the whole thing but I really need to cool it and just stick to my melatonin. I already threw out 2 of my other kinds so now I only have the one kind of melatonin. I still take 20 mil but when I’ve tried taking just 10 I wake up at 11-1 at night and have trouble getting back to sleep.

But I respect this therapist a lot and I don’t feel transference with her so I’d just like to do things correctly so nothing ends up happening.

I’m really tired right now for some reason. I haven’t taken any melatonin or used my sleep lotion. I wonder if it was the tea/Valium combo. I feel fine physically just tired.

Hey ! They both came up instead of just Joe, which I was so happy about. They live close 800 miles away more middle of Florida. Cindy loved the land. We hiked every square inch.. They have a spring that Steve and I didnt see the other day. Lots of up and down so I am wore out. They want to get updated survey. The land has so much potential just needs alot of clearing but the amount of hard wood would help them in building a home.

They are going to look at one other place today and they already know the land is too flat. They actually looked at a place a few miles away last month but the owner just cant decide if she really wants to sell..

It really is such a peaceful place. I think what really helped Cindy to know that its probably "the place" we were at the top east corner and we heard a whinny and there was a beautiful paint. She has a quarter horse and a paint that will come up here.

Well the new meds no longer are giving me any consistent sleep Steve rubbed my back last night a long time before I was able to relax enough. He says if he needs to rub my back every night he will, But that isn't something I want him to feel the need to do all the time.

It's always something

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend

Some days I really like technology, today is one of those days. Our grocery store has a card that you can use to get cents of of gas. They’ve been sending coupons though email and saying you can download on to your card. I was having trouble getting it, then my sister showed me. I ended up having to set a new password but I got coffee for 3.99 and eggs for .49 cents. Big savings! Since it’s mum who drinks the coffee I’m glad to save so much on it.

Talked my daughter into going to the wreath and candles making class with me. That should be super fun. It’s not until the end of November but there were only 4 spots left. Class size is limited to eight. Better for instructions. Looking forward to it.