Bipolar check-in #60

This is like the anxiety that keeps on giving. To myself. I can’t shake it off no matter what I do or don’t do. What I take or don’t take. What I eat or what I don’t eat. I’m just at a complete loss right now on how to get rid of it I fear for my safety going into a mental health hospital. There are people out there in general in the world who want me dead just because I am transgender. And the people in mental health hospitals are not the most stable people in the world. I told my therapist exactly that yesterday and she looked kinda spooked and was all like “ok yeah then that won’t happen. We won’t do that.” But right now I’m not sure how to deal with things because I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what’s going on.

@Mountaindewed

That could very well be possible. But right now there’s nothing I can do at this point. I’m waiting on 2 people to call me back and I have no control over when they will. I really just need to hang on and wait at this point until I get those calls. I’m starting to feel a bit decent now after a couple non benzo meds and eating a couple English muffins. My goal for tonight is to stay up until at least 9:30 without any sleep meds so I can try to get my sleep back on track. I feel like that is a really important part of what is going on.

Yes it’s a medical issue. Yes it’s causing all my mental health symptoms. The doctor called and my testosterone is actually too high. And 2 of my blood levels the ones that have to do with red blood counts are dangerously high. Like heart attack/stroke kind of high. The doctor said the high testosterone is why I’m so angry and anxious all the time and that’s why five valium a day aren’t working. It’s also probably what’s causing my sleep problems as well. So he told me to stop the testosterone for 2 weeks to reset my body. Since I’ve had the surgery my body won’t go back to the female hormones so I’ll be fine. I’ll start to feel better mentally and physically. Then in 2 weeks I’ll be put on a lower dose of testosterone and I’ll do the blood work again a week before I see him in December.

So I am a bit freaked out that my levels got that high but it’s nice when everything I’m feeling can be attributed to something medical instead of me just losing my marbles for no reason.

It's always good when we have solid medical reasons for feeling out of whack rather than "oh it's all in your head- you're making this all up and driving yourself (and me) crazy."

I tested an intuitive theory I had and avoided having anything with dairy in it today. I believe I found the cause of a lot of my stomach pain and the other symptoms. I am lactose intolerant. I didn't have any of the symptoms that have been tormenting me for months.

But I also realized how dairy is in just about everything and how am I supposed to avoid eating it? I obviously need to do more research and possibly buy a cookbook especially for people who are lactose intolerant. But thankful I wasn't in pain today.

Well yeah the switch flipped back. Miserable today. Not as bad as on Monday, honestly it feels like typical PMS, but still.

Because of things that are happening at work I was FURIOUS on the drive home. I spent the time taking deep breaths so that I wouldn’t be a ***** by the time I got home. It worked, I was calmer. I told RS I did not want to talk about my day because I had just calmed down and it would just push my anger back up.

We went to dinner at the little Italian place we go to and I got more and more annoyed because the food took FOREVER and there was only one other person there. However I tried to remember that they also do take out orders from the pizza shop side and that there may be a cook shortage in the kitchen, who knows. But on the drive home every little sound my boys made grated my nerves so I’ve just immediately changed into my PJs and come into the bedroom to be alone so I don’t snap at anyone for small things.

Have my pdoc on Wednesday, it will be hard to distinguish hormonal issues from actual mood symptoms at that point but I can safely say that something is definitely off because it’s been alllll month long, since the Monday after the wedding that I’ve been out of sorts to varying degrees of intensity on both poles.

Honestly the only thing to do is raise the seroquel XR but I’m on a low dose so that’s fine, it’s the best med I’ve been on in awhile and worked quickly when I started it in the summer.

Ugh one more day of work and then finally the weekend, though it will be much colder than the mild week we had. I’m also irritated that next week on Friday all the teachers will be at a special ed convention, probably admin too, but on our calendar it says staff in-service. We used to have that as a paid day off but not last year since they didn’t hold the convention. But they are this year so whyyyyy do we have to go in??? There’s probably going to be either a fat load of nothing to do or pointless time-wasting meetings just to make us be present. If there’s nothing I’m going to bring my headphones and do what I would have at home, aka watch tv/movies and read.

Typical Fall storm hit.. All the pretty leaves that we just starting to really show there glory got blown off the trees..

Rainy Snotty day *** sigh***

It was rainy and blowy here today too. It was 60 something before the cold front came through and now it's a "realfeel" of 48. In a couple months that will seem like summer. (People do go out in shorts in this type of weather here.)

We’re getting our first snow this weekend. Blah 😕. Wish I could just hibernate though the snowy season.

@Mountaindewed

That's a strange thing to say. I always thought men showed less emotion because they have been conditioned to by society. But I do know that a few times while pregnant I cried for "no reason". Pregnancy is "100 times"- not really but I'm making a point- the amount of female hormones that a woman usually have. Plus there's HCG hormone which is made by the placenta and it's what pregnancy tests react with and what they think causes "morning" sickness.

I found this:

Estrogen and progesterone are the chief pregnancy hormones. A woman will produce more estrogen during one pregnancy than throughout her entire life when not pregnant. The increase in estrogen during pregnancy enables the uterus and placenta to: improve vascularization (the formation of blood vessels)

They have lactaid milk for intolerant folks like you. I think I have seen other products that are lactose free.
bizi

Rainy all the way today go college classes. Clear and calm when I left school.

Absolutely NEVER AGAIN. Latuda has no place in my life. I spent 5 hours in the worst state of my life and I won't risk it again. I've worked around the "issue" enough and I just can't. I missed my dose last night and though maybe the symptoms I have when I take it in the daytime wouldn't be so bad now. that "unease". I took it and I was delusional, emotionally everywhere and never feeling relief from anxiety , the crying, the screaming, the turmoil. Today was far worse than any other time I've been awake to experience the reaction. I'm sure my stress has a lot to do with how bad it was today, but I cannot risk being in that state again. I literally thought it would never end. Talking about it, writing it out... none of it encapsulates how awful it was. I was afraid if I slept I would die. I thought my medicines were poison. I thought a lot of crazy things and it really shook me up.


I am OK now. Actually, I feel great (which is why I kept myself on the medicine). Someone has to make time to help me figure this out. I won't complain about healthcare of professionals -- we have a shortage and I know how time is... but this really needs help because I can't suffer much longer like this.


I will call my psychiatrist tomorrow and ask for advice, but that medicine is not going into my body ever again. I did my best to make it work for as long as it did. I can't fight it anymore. I really gave it a valiant effort, and chronicled it here. You all know how much I tried to make it work.

I got really emotional when I had female emotions. Especially when I was dealing with PMS. Before I transitioned I cried fairly frequently. After March 2020 I rarely cried anymore and the same stuff that used to get me going before didn’t bother me anymore. So for me it was hormone thing.

@Mountaindewed, I hope your doctor can help regulate your hormones to bring some balance for you. Any hormone chaos seems to have ramifications.

@WindsThatBlow, maybe it is that Latuda is not your med. I think most doctors think it has little risk of sparking hypomania/mania (and related stuff), but it is still mostly for bipolar depression. I know too much Lamictal causes over activation, for me. So I take just a touch. @wildflowerchild25 mentioned some good initial experience with Seroquel XR at a low dose. I have good ones at higher ones, too (especially under 600 mg). It's great at curbing both my manic states and depressive states, as well as mixed. Have you ever tried it?

@Nammu and @~Christina, I'm sorry the glory of autumn leaves is fading where you are. We still have them where we are, but they're not as splendorous as in my native New Jersey. I do wish it would rain where I am. It barely ever does. It had been sunny for most of the spring and summer. Now it's gloom, but still no rain.

Yay! Hubby got a call from our contact relating to our car shipment. She says it will likely be ready for pickup next Thursday. Hubby recently ordered updated charging cables (we have a hybrid) because some are different in Europe than in the US.

I had bouts of feeling really sick last night. I feel better at the moment. I've been overexerting myself. I've vowed to nix the idea of some further Christmas cookie baking. I baked another Christmas bread yesterday.

@cinnamonsun, bizi offers a good suggestion here. Maybe give lactaid free milk and other dairy a try. My husband has been lactose intolerant for years and they allow him to eat dairy. Look for 100% lactose free milk. Lactaid brand is widely available, as are usually store brands. They tend to be a bit more expensive than regular milk, but worth it if you love cow's milk, which they are. Of course there are also milk substitutes like soy and almond "milks" but they're also a bit more expensive, and an acquired taste. Lactaid cow's milk obviously tastes like cow's milk. Again, because it is. Other frequently available cow's milk lactose free dairy products include:

• Sour cream - At least Lactaid brand
• Half and Half - Sold in milk aisle near the regular
• Yogurts (though Hubby has no problem with regular)
• Ice creams
• Some cheeses either made lactose free or naturally lactose free (or nearly). Usually the packaging says. Also see 9 Cheeses You Can Eat If You're Lactose Intolerant | Real Simple
• Pills that you can take with first bites of any real dairy that contains lactose. These pills supply the enzymes needed to digest lactose normally. Sold OTC in grocery stores, pharmacies and online. Hubby takes one for small amounts of lactose and two if a lot is eaten (i.e. ice cream)
• Cream - If available. I didn't find it in New Jersey, but saw it in Canada. It is widely available in cream obsessed Czech Republic in 10% fat and 30% fat versions that work just like regular ones.

Unless you are allergic to dairy, there is no reason you can't happily consume the above, if just lactose intolerant.

I really like hearing about the weather in various locations. It's interesting to me.

We're having really lovely autumn days (high 60's). Unlike SoCal we have a real autumn. The nights are chilly (40's). But we still need rain desperately. The tree colors this year seem especially pretty, but the leaves are falling fast.

I love weather talk too, especially in the mountains here where it gets really wild. When you get above treeline on hikes you get this sign that says you're entering an area that has the worst weather in the world/turn back if the weather is bad.
Today we're supposed to get a lot of rain and wind, but it'll be warm for November, about 55F. Pretty much all our leaves are dead on the ground now.

Snowed last night. Mum must have turned the heat up, she gets confused and does that, supposed to be turned down for nights. So I’m waiting to leave for aqua fitness classes with just my swimsuit on! Lol. To hot to put my clothes on over it yet. Actually it’s not all that cold out, in the 30’s with no wind.

I'll keep you all updated. My new psychiatrist is actually going to see me today at 3:15 to see what we can do. I really appreciate her working with me. I was afraid that even reaching out would end in a fight (I'm still not sure she won't yell at me) but I am hopeful we can work on something.

I hope the doctor gets it. Unease is a good way to put it. I couldn’t stand it either so I just switched the latuda to bed time. It’s been the best med for me ever. And it’s been about 7 years now so I don’t know if there’s still that unease. My daughter is on the same med but it doesn’t affect her at all. She takes it with supper. Everyone respond s differently to meds and I hope the doctor respects that.

@Nammu


Thanks for your response. That really is the issue for me. I feel amazing on Latuda. Honestly it's change my life and outlook of everything, but the battling the "unease" it just too much. I've tried so hard to find ways to evade that so I can feel better but it's gotten unacceptably hard. It's not funny at all, but honestly after the awful "unease" passes, I feel absolutely great. I've not forgotten how bad it affected me yesterday, but this feeling almost makes me reach for my daily dose again. (I'm halfway joking, but I think you get it). It really has made that much difference. I stand by my statement though -- I'm not messing with it anymore. I hope she respects that too.

Thanks for the reply, as always -- I appreciate your support

I'm sitting at Starbucks having my second blond roast with cream- refills are 53 cents- and now I think it's time to go home and eat something.

I’m doing ok today. I took my meds properly today. There was a slight issue with the hotels for thanksgiving. My sister and my brother in law couldn’t get reservations at the hotel my mom my brother and I are staying at. So my mom was trying to see if she could switch to their hotel. Like she’d really be able to get a room this late. So I came up with the only logical solution which is to give up my room to my sister and brother in law and nephews and then share a room with my mom and my brother. I’m the one getting the short end of the stick but if I don’t give up the room I do look like a jerk. And I do want us all in one hotel plus then my mom will only have to pay for one room instead of 2 rooms.

Then I cancelled my trip for next week. It was really really stressing me out and our stuff was non refundable but I told my mom to just try to see what she could do so she told them I was still having surgery complications (completely legit info) and couldn’t make it. They said no problem and refunded us. That takes a huge burden off me since now I just have Thanksgiving to deal with.

Then I had a zoom therapy session which went pretty well. To be honest Zoom sessions are usually pretty productive. She actually thanked me for meeting with her. But we got a lot accomplished today and I feel better.

While some of blood and my T levels are too high and are causing issues I’m glad I’m getting the stuff that I can get under control.