Bipolar check-in #60

I'm thinking about teaching Latin again on the side. Or perhaps just restudy the Classics. Greek was never something I really had a good grasp on. Maybe it will be a good way to pass the time. I don't know -- I just need a change.

I always wanted to learn Latin. I was so disappointed that my high school didn’t teach it anymore. It was available when my sisters went but then they dropped it. I tried a Latin for dummies book but couldn’t understand it. All those declensions were hard.

@Nammu

I used to have a whole Youtube series about teaching Latin and a website (and I deleted it about 9 years back). At the time I was still in college. Now that I am a formal educator (I have a masters in education-- a BA in Spanish Education), I have some insight about language learning that I didn't the first time around. If I decide to open myself to the scrutiny of the internet, I may send you a link to my Youtube channel if I decide to redo it. Having someone who knows the tricks of the trade can really make the whole process a lot easier. It's intimidating at first, but once you get passed the initial shock of an inflected language, you really can see how much simpler it can be that way!!

Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there to you, (or anyone who is interested). I'm feeling a bit inspired lately to do something creative.

Happy Birthday Nammu!

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Depressed again. So yeah, I ate like ****. It just makes me feel worse about myself but I do it anyway. We did buy a lot of fresh food at the store so I can at least try better tomorrow. I won’t though. I hate myself. I took double seroquel and a little Xanax last night and as a result, I couldn’t wake up fully until 10:30 and then just laid around until I heard RS’s truck pull in. I jumped up and went to the kitchen to wash the dishes to make it seem like I’d been doing something useful. I picked up the house a little and finished decorating the tree with my son. I’ve had three hospital dreams in a week. The first one, I got stuck back IP before thanksgiving and was so ashamed for it, and RS was so disappointed he didn’t want to talk to me. The second one I was stuck in the state hospital for children again. I was trying to figure out how to escape. When I woke up I felt trapped, and I actually had to think about the security of the cottage I stayed in. I remember the double doors in the front and I have to wonder if they were completely locked, programmed to only open if the fire alarm went off. It would make sense, I mean after all it was considered an inpatient unit, not a residential program. I never could have gotten out anyway, the place was so small a staff member would have been within view at all times. All I can say is I’m glad the place got shut down and eventually got burned down by vandals. Anyway I hate it when I get dreams like this, it always means I’m in trouble emotionally. Sigh. F everything.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I wanted to say thanks for the support on this board. I’ve told you things I don’t breathe a word of outside the forum, you’ve answered questions that have concerned or scared me and I’ve worked through some tough issues here. I really appreciate it. Thank you

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I hope you had the happiest of all birthdays, Nammu! You may be feeling older but, as near as I can tell, you only grow kinder! Keep on keeping on!

I made my husband a homemade carrot cake. I had to make it with Czech flour (which is different than US all-purpose) and a cheese called gervais instead of Philadelphia cream cheese. They do have "carrot cake" here in CZ, but they usually use farmer cheese for the cheese. I'm not that found of it for this cake, and find gervais an almost exact replica of American cream cheese. I used a Czech recipe as a basis, but "improved it" adding pineapple and raisins along with the nuts, and adding more spice. I'm not great at cake decorating, but I did my best. I originally wanted to make marzipan carrots for the top, but I could not get food coloring. Instead, I carved a mini carrot out of actual carrot and put a sprig of celery greens as the carrot greens. The cake quality will be determined when we cut into it. The icing tastes good. At least I could sample that.

It snowed again today, but there wasn't a lot of accumulation. It's supposed to snow again on Tuesday.

I've been getting mighty tired early in the evenings, lately. I wonder if it's related to my increase in carbamazepine ER, and taking half in the mornings. I used to only take it at night. I never thought of it as sedating, though.

Another hospital dream and I’m also hopelessly depressed already. This one was the same, forced back IP and RS too disappointed in me to talk to me.

Last night I wanted to SH so much. It was bedtime and RS was already asleep so I grabbed ice cubes and my stuffed animal, and I turned on a sleep story bc listening to the sad music I wanted to only made things worse. I wish I could go out for a walk but it’s so cold, plus it’s cloudy and damp. It would just upset me more.

I promised my ex FIL (first husband’s father) that we’d visit today. I can’t even express how much I don’t want to go. But We haven’t seen him in almost a year. He’s not as bad anymore but I really don’t want to see anyone at all today.

Oh soupe! What a gorgeous cake. Carrot cake is one of my favorites, but I’d pick all the nuts off mine. 😊 but that’s just me.

Happy belated birthday @Nammu! I apologize, too caught up in myself lately. I hope you had a nice day!

I'm doing good today. I got my laundry done. I am on the finale of Project Runway season 3. I slept a crazy long time last night. My trip exhausted me. I didn't leave my house at all. My moods were ok up until an hour ago maybe. Then I got a bit down in the dumps. My mom is setting up christmas stuff and it just bugged me that last year at this time I was going through a rough patch with my therapist and I dont know. Seeing all the Christmas stuff today just bugged me. The fact that I got kinda forced into IOP at christmas time with no support from her still lands a punch a year later. I really wish I had talked to her about it after I got out in January. But so far I'm not having any side effects after going back on my injections. My moods were fine until I saw the tree and I've had zero issue with anxiety today. And no anger at all. I really must have just been on too much and thats why things got so out of control a few weeks ago. I am curious what my blood work looks like now.

My ex FIL was ok, it did distract me from this awful awful depression. And he’s a reasonable man now. The days of him waxing poetic on how close he is to death have gone.

My grandma apparently texted my brother and told him to help my mom get her car inspected . She’s two years out of date and apparently “terrified” to do it herself. Like for real? Inspection is literally the EASIEST thing you can possibly do in NJ. The state only tests for emissions now so as long as your check engine light isn’t on you’re good to go. Roll up, give your ID and papers, THE PEOPLE DRIVE IT THROUGH, you get it back at the end. If my mother’s anxiety is SO BAD that she can’t do basic adult tasks then she needs to get help.

If she would ask for help I would help, but she doesn’t. It comes through my grandma.

Anyway I’m trying to do what I’m also doing with work, which is put it in a separate compartment in my mind since it’s really nothing I can change or control. There’s really no use giving mental energy being angry.

I’m struggling very hard right in this moment from intrusive SH thoughts. I am physically uncomfortable, like I need it, I don’t want it, I need it. Just to get comfortable. I have to miss my therapy appt to see my pdoc instead but if I’m still having trouble I’ll probably try to schedule with her later in the week. I’m just not sure she’ll have anything open in the evening for me.

I felt strange. I needed caffeine. I had a mug of black tea despite the time. It did make me feel better. I took my usual melatoin. I havent taken anything yet. Its getting sort of late. I want Elliot Pages abs but at the same time he kind of looks like a 12 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet instead of a 34 year old man. When I look at him I just look at his abs and wish I had that. I dont get the need though to post topless selfies whatever you identify as. I've had the same FB profile picture since Febuary and I'm about 14 pounds lighter now but I just dont feel a need to post a new picture let alone a shirtless one even though it would be pretty hot. I've heard constantly posting selfies is a sign of low self esteem. I personally just find it obnoxious when the same people do it.

Ugh this new virus seems like some straight up Stephen King ****. The US will not be ok if theres another shut down. Theres too many weridos leftover from 2016-2020 and things could get bad. I mean just think about the issues with mask mandate on planes. Do you really think these people will settle for another lockdown and be ok with just staying at home for a month?

And then all these mass shoplifting things. If stores shut down for a month or 2 thats a perfect opprtunity for a lot of stores to get hit

It's 66 in here. A bit chilly. I have the heat off and there is an inch or two of snow so that's likely why it's cold in here. I will get my hot water bottle in a bit to warm up.

I talked with Caleb for a couple hours just a little bit ago. It was an ok conversation but I felt like I was pulling all the weight.

It's such an obstacle in life, being bipolar, being two people in the same body, working at cross-purposes. I dreamed and fantasized for years about finally being eligible to attend an active seniors' center in my city. But since i became eligible in August i haven't attended.

My mood was high and i was looking forward to "meeting a whole bunch of new people." People more interesting than those in my IRL support group where almost everyone is poor and really preoccupied with the price of things and the conversation tends to be how you can get a giant block of cheese for five bucks at Price Choppers.

Now my mood is low and the last thing i want to do is to meet a whole bunch of new people and have to answer questions about myself. Yet my new dreams and fantasies are about getting a volunteer gig in the neighborhood and meeting someone special. It's silly. It'll probably be the same thing: the opportunity will come thru and i will decline the assignment.

Disability benefits has given me the luxury of privacy. Perhaps i'd be a fool not to capitalize on it.

I was in a bah humbug mood for most of yesterday. I got some chores done around the house, called the hospital to check on brother and watched movies with mom. I finally went to bed at 6:50. I feel great today. Life looks promising.

Recently I did a meditation practice virtually but live with a spiritual guru who runs an ashram in India. She is from L.A. and went to Stanford but ended up in India. She’s a NYT best selling author as well. She did the meditation from the banks of the Ganges River. It was a powerful spiritual experience. I was so excited that I wanted to share it with my family. They don’t get it except for my daughter who somewhat gets it. It’s disappointing. It’s like when I had the opportunity to study with Eckhart Tolle and Marisa Peer. All things helping me build a stronger mind. Oh well! I guess I’ll have to learn to be excited for myself.

I have two appointments today. One medical for my stomach bug like symptoms and one therapy. Hopefully they turn out well. The next injection for my arm is the 8th. That’s a long time with a painful arm. I’ll just have to deal with it.

I hope everyone has a peaceful week.

My carrot cake for Hubby's birthday was a great success. It tasted as good as any I made in the US, or any I've had...period. I was glad about that. As mentioned, the carrot cake knockoffs they make here in CZ are not as good as American-style, in my view.

We went for a lovely walk along a brook and path they call "The Health Trail". It's my favorite one we've found, but it was pretty muddy. I wore appropriate shoes, but Hubby didn't. As we walked, little pellets of ice fell on our heads from trees. Then when we got home it started to flurry again. I made a special late lunch and now, at 4:55 pm, I'm ready to call it a day. Hubby is getting all kinds of birthday calls and deliveries. That makes him happy, since he's like a little boy in liking such things.

I'm doing kinda crappy today. I've been getting really bad hot and cold flashes and I have zero female hormones in me and this started on thursday night and I went back on my injections on Saturday. Last night was really bad and I didn't sleep very well. This morning I got a couple pairs of Levis from Kohls. I hope I ordered the right size and the styles are what I'm looking for. With the cyber Monday sale I saved $60 and I got a $15 Kohls cash which I gave to my mom so she will hopefully stop *****ing at me like shes been doing all day. Then I ordered a button up shirt from the movie The Sandlot. It has images of the scene where the kids are trying to get the ball back from the beast. They mentioned the shirt on the Today Show in 2015 or so but they are expensive and would not have looked good on my giant chest. So I got that for about $15 off.

Today is the 7th anniversary of my dads death which I guess is why everyone in my house is being kinda *****y towards each other. At least I think thats why my mom is so crabby. I hope the Kohls cash makes her feel better.

I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack and I dont know why. I didnt do anything I shouldnt have done in days. I had a coffee but I mean I drink coffee all the time and this was just one of my usual kinds. I've eaten today. So I dont know. I took a vistril early so I'll see if that helps. I may just need to use distraction.

I cant get warm. I dont know why. I have the hood to my hoodie up and I'm under 2 blankets. My feet are numb. I have socks on. I dont have a temp and i dont feel sick. Im just cold and tired. My anxiety is gone thanks to my vistril. Im kinda lightheaded though too despite eating today. My heart isnt racing anymore. I assume its injection related but its frustrating because im hungry but i cant step away from my blankets for more then a couple mnutes.

I got a magazine in the mail today to remind me of a time in my life where bipolar really took hold in its hallmark way. I got quite the chuckle when I got a magazine for "BEST SEMINARY GUIDE" today. Sad thing is, I am so tempted to really look into some of those things again... It's really not an option for about 10000 reasons, including it's just not my calling. Maybe I am just bored.

Day is going OK.

I finally got my abilify injection (missed it last week because I overslept and had to reschedule it because they only do injections on Mondays and Tuesdays). So I'm glad to be back on track with that

I am in the process of doing my Christmas shopping. I have my sister, my niece, two friends from this forum, my best friend who lives in a state I used to live in, and my friend who lives nearby to shop for. I think I picked out good stuff for everybody, I hope they all like their gifts I love shopping for people.

I'm excited because I have a video appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday. She is the one who signed the paperwork so I can have an emotional support pet in my apartment. She was happy that I was getting a cat because I used to have them and they were good for me. Well now I have Miss Mustachio and I can pick her up and show her to her in the video session since she has never seen her before since I just got my kitty a week and a half ago She's really good for my mental health, helps my anxiety a lot.

I might order pizza this week. I've been craving pizza from Dominos.

Super excited for Christmas, and New Years. My mood has been very good lately and I'm less paranoid than usual.

My sister is coming over this weekend to meet the kitty. Will be nice to see her since she hasn't come over in a few months.

Hope everyone is doing okay

It’s a gosh darned miracle I made it through work today. If my supervisor hadn’t changed to the drill Sargent I would have dipped out after lunch. I was so close to completely losing it. It was just so loud, they were watching funny animal videos and the commentary from the staff and students plus the shrill laughter was just too much. I only stayed in the room because my student is in a really bad way right now and I didn’t want to leave her. When I was on my break she hallucinated and freaked out, I really want to be there for her so I can take her somewhere quiet and talk her down.

It’s really terrible for her right now, she’s having vivid hallucinations that she’s being followed by a demon masquerading as a young boy, she though he knocked her lunch out of her hand and she’s terrified. I know this is unorthodox but I’m kind of tempted to bring in a jar of salt and have her help me sprinkle a little at the classroom doorway and windows. That’s believed to ward spirits away. If they’d let me burn sage id do that too but that would definitely be pushing my luck, and continued employment. I believe she’ll still see “William” but maybe I can convince her that she’ll be protected?

I myself am struggling with intense intrusive SH thoughts still and terrible panic. I see my pdoc tomorrow and I’m leaving work early to see my therapist on Thursday. I usually see her Tuesdays but I’ll be at my pdoc’s instead.

I’m only dragging myself to work because it will be worse to stay home with just my thoughts for company.

I'm worried right now. My mom is in the hospital right now. She has covid. Her oxygen levels were low and she was really dehydrated. My step father also has covid plus pneumonia on top of that. He his home recuperating. I am just worried about my mom and hope she will be okay.