Bipolar check-in #60

I cooked today for the first time in ages. Stir-fry. It turned out so badly i threw away the dishes after, rather than wash them. No more heavy-duty frypan. I threw open the windows and ran fans to rid my apartment of the stench. From now on it's back to just microwave convenience foods and junk.

In good news, it was pretty flurries today. Winter is here.

Thank you! I'm glad she makes you smile I'm so sorry for your loss of Kiki

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I hate social gatherings. I went to this one thinking it was going to be low key and I guess it is since I cant compare it to the nightmare that was yesterday. But my uncles girlfriend was demanding I join in on a game of spoons. Like being beyond pushy. No really does mean no. I really had to hold my ground and be asssertive. Eventually she left me alone but I think my brother in law saved me. Then I filled up on snacks and I have a super small appetite so I wasn't hungry for dinner. I didnt join them either but I guess I should even if I dont eat. Theres just so much uncertain with the restarting of the injection in the afternoon and this new mutant covid virus is ****ing terrifying me. The snacks did help my anxiety. So I did need to legit eat. I guess I'll go join them to be social. The girlfriend complemented me though and said "it looks like you've lost a lot of weight" so it wasn't a total bust of a night.

Thanksgiving with just my boys again, thank god. My grandmother recounted thanksgiving at my uncles’s house yesterday and I’m very glad I wasn’t there.

I made dinner and completely stressed myself out over nothing. I am far too harsh on myself. I added too much cream to the mashed potatoes. AND because we got a fancy new stove a month ago I actually turned off the oven while setting the timer for the turkey!!! We still ate though, albeit a bit later than I planned. I was mean to my family though because I was stressed and apologized profusely. I feel like my cooking needs to be perfect every time I make even a simple dinner during the week. I know why, it’s just one more thing I have to overcome. I suppose the harsh judgment and self-criticism is a problem that really extends to most areas of my life.

We went to my grandma’s to help her move some stuff today and I just keep looking around and seeing how much junk we’re going to have to clean out when she passes away. It’s going to take weeks if my hoarder uncle and mom interfere. There’s iodine and a cough medicine that doesn’t even exist anymore in her medicine cabinet. She asked me if her collection of 15 years worth of National Geographic magazines was worth anything (hint: it isn’t, I checked). She tried to pawn a completely rusted dog chain and old collar for their dog tang, who was gone before I was born, off on me to give to my brother and SIL. Really? She was also extremely disappointed that I threw out that litter box she gave me last time.

The house is so big, there’s a full basement with nothing of value except a brand new washer/dryer, the bookshelves are full of old magazines and cookbooks/diet books from as far back as the 80s. There are three walk in closets and an attic, all full to the brim with mostly junk. A “windows 95 for dummies” book!!! Rusty screws and nails. Just an unbelievable amount of stuff. Not even fit to be donated or sold, mostly. It’s going to be a nightmare.

I did get my viola from when I was in the school orchestra back though. It’s really of no use to me now but I could definitely sell it, it’s in perfect condition with a spotless case. There’s even a digital tuner, a mute, and a resin block. The only thing it needs is a new bow, the other one’s horsehair disintegrated. When I saw it it evoked such a bad general feeling of that time (I was super ill all through high school and freshman year of college when I used it) that I really would rather be rid of it.

Well at least I’ve still got two days off. I’m almost done with Christmas shopping too, decided to get it over with as soon as possible to avoid supply chain and shipping delays.

I had a wonderful day with my daughter right up until it was time to say goodbye. I’ll meet up with her in 2-3 weeks to visit and share a meal. We went to see Ghostbusters. It was a good movie but there were a lot of people there. Probably not a great idea. I brought a large cherry coke home with us and a very bad driver almost side swiped us. When my daughter hit the brakes to avoid the side swipe that Cherry Coke went flying EVERYWHERE. What a mess! Could have been worse.

They rushed my brother to the hospital via ambulance in distress this afternoon after my daughter left town. Low oxygen sat and couldn’t catch his breath. He’s stabilized for now. It’s one emergency after another now. Very traumatizing. It’s like watching a wreck happen in slow motion that you know you can’t stop.

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.

Today was a quiet day for my husband and me. We spent the whole day in the house, with me just going back and forth to the garage a couple times. All I did was prep meals, and also made some homemade potato salad and deviled eggs. Tomorrow I plan to do more cooking and baking. Hubby's birthday is coming up and I want to do things ahead of time. I plan to make him a small size carrot cake. It will be my first attempt while using the local flour, as opposed to American all-purpose flour. I hope it works out. Though they do sell Philadelphia cream cheese in a container, they don't sell the block stuff. However, they have a product called "gervais" which I've found to be pretty much the same thing. It is based on a French cream-style cheese.

I bought a cake! No homemade for me. I forget what my daughter calls this cake. It’s white with a cream cheese frosting and a red layer. There’s about 3 layers to it, it comes square. It’s just a tiny cake big enough for the two of us tomorrow. Good lord I’m getting old! I completely forgot my birthday until yesterday when I got a card from my sister. I’m not really one to celebrate my birthday but cake is nice. Maybe if mum’s feeling up to it we could go out to eat tomorrow. It’s been forever since we’ve been out. But if I feel old I can’t imagine what my sister feels! She’s 12 years older than me and her birthday is next month!

Happy birthday, Nammu! And do enjoy your yummy sounding cake! Do you think the one red layer is a red velvet cake layer?

I watered my plant. I couldn't let it die. I thought of that moment with my neighbor's handsome son, sweet curly hair, who had come down from The Yukon to settle her estate and we stood on her balcony, he and i, while the first snow drifted thickly down thru the air and he sang me a few bars of that old Bing Crosby song about the rubber tree plant and he was so happy to see the snow being from the North and i haven't been serenaded in decades and i couldn't let it die.

God, i'm such a softie.

~*~Happy Birthday, Nammu!~*~

No, the red is like jelly, or jam but probably called something else. I think it’s a French name. Tismune or something, totally blanking on it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAMMU!!!

Well I went back to sleep and the bad dream continued! Now N3 was involved and he was deep into the cult and not wanting to listen to me tell him that it was very bad and he should get out right away. N2 showed up and was a sane voice to try to get her siblings out of this horrible trap. There were boys who were cullt members still trying to talk N3 into staying. I was so beside myself!
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I’m having a low day. Probably because I’ve seen so much of my daughter over the past 3 weeks and now that’s over. Tangentially, it could also be because I’ve been casual with my meds. I’m smarter than that and I know it. There’s no reason or excuse. It could also be my brother or my physical illness and injury or a mixture of all of the above. Whatever the cause - the future doesn’t look so bright from where I’m standing. I’m not feeling really positive today. I’m trying to turn that around.

I do hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Happy Birthday, Nammu!

I actually slept last night. I fell asleep around 10:30 and got up at 7:15. We came home today and I am in my own bed. I was feeling a bit uneasy with this new variant and I thought I'd feel more comfortable with my fridge and freezer being stocked since its pretty much been empty for awhile. So I got alot of frozen stuff. Then I got my first testosterone shot in 2 weeks. It was the lower dose he told me to start and I was already on .3 once a week so this new dose is practically nothing. I hope my body actually does contiune to transtion. I don't know when I go for blood work but my appointment with him is on the 11th of December. Usually I notice reactions to the testosterone postive or negative in a few hours. So we'll see how this goes and how resetting my body worked.

Last night my aunt asked me if I was going back to work and I said yeah next year. Then she said that shes not sure with this new variant if there will be a shut down. I'm not going back if things are bad I know that much. I have good insurance and I get social security and if things hit the fans it is not necessary for me to work. Plus my therapist talked to billings because I was telling her seeing her every week was tough finacially and she was able to get them to cut my copays in half which will majorly help me finacinally.

This stuff that is happening right now in the world is terryfing.

I'm sinking and it sucks I'm trying to stay positive. I signed up for four art classes and they still haven't showed up. I'm slowly not eating anymore. I'm back to drinking soda all the time. As far as I know I no longer have a therapist. I'm thinking more and more about SH ing. I wish I was just okay. I'm playing music and pretending to be okay.

Happy Birthday Nammu!

Happy Birthday Nammu!

Happy birthday Nammu!!

Depressed again. So yeah, I ate like ****. It just makes me feel worse about myself but I do it anyway. We did buy a lot of fresh food at the store so I can at least try better tomorrow. I won’t though. I hate myself.

I took double seroquel and a little Xanax last night and as a result, I couldn’t wake up fully until 10:30 and then just laid around until I heard RS’s truck pull in. I jumped up and went to the kitchen to wash the dishes to make it seem like I’d been doing something useful. I picked up the house a little and finished decorating the tree with my son.

I’ve had three hospital dreams in a week. The first one, I got stuck back IP before thanksgiving and was so ashamed for it, and RS was so disappointed he didn’t want to talk to me. The second one I was stuck in the state hospital for children again. I was trying to figure out how to escape. When I woke up I felt trapped, and I actually had to think about the security of the cottage I stayed in. I remember the double doors in the front and I have to wonder if they were completely locked, programmed to only open if the fire alarm went off. It would make sense, I mean after all it was considered an inpatient unit, not a residential program. I never could have gotten out anyway, the place was so small a staff member would have been within view at all times.

All I can say is I’m glad the place got shut down and eventually got burned down by vandals.

Anyway I hate it when I get dreams like this, it always means I’m in trouble emotionally.

Sigh. F everything.

I wanted to say thanks for the support on this board. I’ve told you things I don’t breathe a word of outside the forum, you’ve answered questions that have concerned or scared me and I’ve worked through some tough issues here. I really appreciate it. Thank you

Your going though some tough stuff I’m glad you have a place you can get some stuff out.

Theres this strange kinda noise outside that sounds like Uncle Fester howling at the moon in The Adams Family movie. Its kind of unsettling when I'm trying to sleep and get my anxiety under control. My mom says its just an animal

So far after restarting the testosterone I dont notice a huge diffrence. I do seem to be slightly more frustrated but also more motivated. My anxiety has been about the same all day. Not insanly out of control but I am in a bit of fight mode right now with this new variant.

I was looking for my mint tea and I found a pumpkin spice hot chocolate bomb. I decided to do that instead. But I had already heated up the water for the tea and when I put the bomb in I realized you needed to use milk. And I put in way too much water. So I got pumpkin spice chocolate flavored hot water basically.

But yeah I hope things dont get too out of control. With myself or in the world. And yeah I know that whole bit about controlling myself only.

I have a new 10 pound weighted blanket that causes these like sudden hot flashes and then I panic and I throw the blanket off. I dont know why im getting hot flashes I've had them the last 3 nights and they do seem to be more related to the blanket then to hormones I dont have anymore.