Bipolar check-in #60

So I got up at 6pm for the day. I already want to go to bed. I spent the night coloring and it didn't come out good. I'm going to ask for help in redoing it from the teacher. I'm learning how to color skin tones. But I don't use the markers the teacher has because that's over 1k. I'm thinking they need me but I don't want to be around. It's a mess, everything is a mess I'm ignoring it all hoping it'll magically get fixed. I have yet to eat today and really don't want to but it'll start fights. I have to cook hamburger before it goes bad.

Just curious coz I don’t know how it works when you transition but how are you not going into early menopause? Most people when they have all their female bits removed do. Is it coz of your testosterone shots?

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My carrot cake for Hubby's birthday was a great success. It tasted as good as any I made in the US, or any I've had...period. I was glad about that. As mentioned, the carrot cake knockoffs they make here in CZ are not as good as American-style, in my view. We went for a lovely walk along a brook and path they call "The Health Trail". It's my favorite one we've found, but it was pretty muddy. I wore appropriate shoes, but Hubby didn't. As we walked, little pellets of ice fell on our heads from trees. Then when we got home it started to flurry again. I made a special late lunch and now, at 4:55 pm, I'm ready to call it a day. Hubby is getting all kinds of birthday calls and deliveries. That makes him happy, since he's like a little boy in liking such things.

I'd give a lot for that carrot cake right now!

I confess that we've put quite a dent in it. Luckily I made it a bit smaller (a short 8-inch). In the US, I used to sometimes make a carrot cake loaf, similar to how people make banana breads. That can work well for small households, giving you the same taste, but without as much "Wow!" appearance as a full cake. You could consider that and then freeze parts of it. It freezes very well, with or without an icing.

Tonight Hubby and I are going out for a nice dinner, which is a gift from his sister -- though she's not joining us. I confess that I'm not super excited about it. I'll hide that, though. Maybe when we get there I'll feel differently. At least it got me into the shower to wash my hair, etc. I'd been delinquent about that.

It gets so gloomy so early. It's not even 4 pm and it's looking like the end of the day. We get off and on snow, but luckily not enough (or the type) that sticks much. We do need to run a couple errands. I need to fill my carbamazepine. When I went to pick it up last week, the pharmacy didn't have that pill dosage. Since then I've just been using more of my old supplies. We also have a couple other things we've been putting off.

Been going through hell with anxiety. As soon as I open my eyes in the morning, there it is, that churning anxiety and rumination. The rumination is a monster. The new pdoc the clinic hired has the bedside manner of a block of ice. My therapist tells me to try and ignore the pdoc's weirdness and focus on her knowledge of medication. Pdoc took several of my meds away and has prescribed Zoloft, Lamictal, and my usual Klonopin dose. No antipsychotics. She's concerned about TD. I feel afraid not to have an AP. I hope the Zoloft kicks in, because I have no life like this. I can barely eat and all I want to do is sleep.

I woke up this morning bah humbug again but I’m slowly coming around. It’s a good thing because I have a busy day with other people depending on me.

I had an appointment with my doctor - full panel of labs and one other test to be done and then a referral to a specialist. I also had an appointment with my therapist who promptly chewed me out for taking good care of others and such poor care of myself. I vowed to turn over a new leaf and get my health in order pronto.

I have a strong craving for spaciousness in my life right now instead of constant chaos. I’m going to start working that into my life. I used to get that from floating at the pool. I need to find something to do when it’s 28F out. I’m going to join the Y in January (I’m trying to clear some projects currently) so maybe that pool will do the trick. Maybe I will take up knitting as well. I was going to the park but quit that when it turned cold.

My brother has pulled off a miracle. Every time I think it’s over, he rallies. He has improved to the point that he is going to be going back to assisted living soon. It’s just a miracle.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Uff Da last night was a miserable night. I was awake most of the night , now today I’ve space cadet head. I stare off into space thinking of nothing at all. I have my wreath making class tonight with my daughter, I hope I’m together by then.

Beth, I can’t even imagine going off AP just Willy nilly much less going off several at once!

I really want people to stop going on about, I'm spending christmas with family, I'm going round a friends, I'm going to have lots of gifts and a big party

woop dee doo. I'm spending christmas alone, with no gifts and no party. sooo

Yeah its because of my testosterone shots.

Today my anxiety is a mess. I didn't sleep too well. I also have no idea whats going on with my meds. I can't remember what I took and what I didnt and I'm just super confused. I think I've had my 3 valiums for the day. I know I took a 20 gedon this morning. At least I think I did. All I know is that I've taken both my topamaxs and a pepcid. I just got confused with my sleep being so off last night.

Either way my anxiety has been bad and I went out and it was tough. I felt like people were looking at me. I went to T mobil to get my headphones to work and the guy said "did you look on youtube?" I did not waste my time and my safety to bring a $thousand phone and $300 headphones in just to be turned away. He claimed they werent charged. Looked in one drawer for a charger. Then gave them back to me.

So no today hasnt been the best day and I can't figure it out. This whole shingding started when i went back on my injectons. I had that 1st week of exhaustion but then last week was good. Then sunday the day after I started my shots things started getting ****** again.

but I'm not sure what other options I have. I do want to continue to transition but these uncontrollable mood swings and anxiety are the worst. And it did happen after my hystrectomy and I was told my moods were supposed to be more stable since I wasnt going to have the female hormones anymore.

I got some of my ususal melatonin since I was out of it. My brothers gummy melatonin causes increase hunger. The stuff I usually get and only the liguid benadryl capsules do not make me hungry.

Got my booster today. Hoping to study a little Greek today and relax. Been very irritable.

My pdoc prescribed Tintellix for me anxiety. She says it's the usual wait for about 2 weeks to find out whether it works.

I''m going to skip my music tonight. Its been too distracting these last 2 nights. Ive had to use my brothers iphone instead of my phone since I cant get my headphones to work. Then I use my headphone adapter so I can plug my wired ear buds in. But for the last 2 nights my music has interrupted my sleep despite not doing that before. Its weird.

We got a new christmas tree yesterday. I felt like it was a bit unecessary but it did feel good to donate the old one to the thrift store on Giving Tuesday

I'm still freezing. My mom thinks I may be anemic. I avoided the shower today because I didnt want to be that cold afterwards. When I do shower I have to have my towel right next to the tub then I have to grab it and close the shower curtain and dry off in the shower while its still a bit warm. I drive my mom crazy because I always turn the temp in the car as high as it will go the second we get in the car. My blood work will show everything.

Skipped out on work early. Besides it being loud, I was falling asleep. I guess it’s because I took Xanax in the morning? I don’t usually take it as soon as I wake up but I was in a total panic, I felt like I was dying. I got home and slept for four hours.

I just saw my pdoc, she added vraylar but only twice a week. I was on vraylar when it first came out in 2017. I deteriorated with a couple of months to the point where I thought my own brain had split in two and one half was trying to kill me. BUT I was In a seriously stressful and shifty job. Now my job is just fury inducing but I’m learning how to compartmentalize.

Whatever, worth a shot I guess.

I went to the grocery store with N3 this afternoon. As we are walking down an aisle, the following takes place:

Me: Isn't that what Eeyore eats- thistles?

N3: Is that why he's so sad all the time?

My daughter couldn’t make because my grandson got sick, but it turned out I didn’t get her properly signed up for the class! So it worked out. The class was fun though. I made a large wreath for the deck, it turned out pretty goood. They had beautiful bows to choose from and a bunch of pine cones. I only used the berries and the gold 🔔 bells to decorate it. They also had candles for us to decorate and bring home. Beautiful Beas wax candles.

I had my new masks with the clear window for the instructor to wear. She loved it. I ordered a set of 10 so she had her choice of colors. That worked out well but I have no more classes. I didn’t sign up soon enough for the paint your pet class and it full now. The art center has no new classes yet. So this was it for the year. Hard to believe it’s almost 2022!

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Originally Posted by Nammu My daughter couldn’t make because my grandson got sick, but it turned out I didn’t get her properly signed up for the class! So it worked out. The class was fun though. I made a large wreath for the deck, it turned out pretty goood. They had beautiful bows to choose from and a bunch of pine cones. I only used the berries and the gold 🔔 bells to decorate it. They also had candles for us to decorate and bring home. Beautiful Beas wax candles. I had my new masks with the clear window for the instructor to wear. She loved it. I ordered a set of 10 so she had her choice of colors. That worked out well but I have no more classes. I didn’t sign up soon enough for the paint your pet class and it full now. The art center has no new classes yet. So this was it for the year. Hard to believe it’s almost 2022!

How wonderful that you made a wreath! I'm going to take my autumn wreath off my door, but I don't have anything to replace it with yet.

Sapien - if you see this please check in.

Hubby and I had a nice dinner last night. The choice of taking a taxi was a good one, so Hubby could enjoy some wine. Actually, both of us drank too much. I suffer more consequences when I do. It would have been better if the waiter wasn't the one pouring the wine in glasses. It would also have been better if the wine hadn't tasted so good.

Sitting at the restaurant, Hubby told me that "I" should put him on a diet. That really bugs me. Why I have to do all of the work, I don't know, but it's always been that way. I wish someone would put "me" on a diet, so I could just come and eat and carefully prepared low cal meals with someone else doing the "counting". And then he doesn't do himself favors by snacking in the middle of the night, when I'm sleeping. Truth is, he's more overweight than I am. I managed to fit into a nice skirt last night, though it was slightly tight. He couldn't fit into any of his dinner jackets, so he wore a rather mismatched sweater, instead. What I am willing to do is to lower our grocery bills. Sure, I'll try to pick foods that are less caloric, but I'd rather concentrate more on my own eating than two persons'. In the past, I literally tracked his eating in MyFitnessPal, as well as my own.

Normally I don't decorate for Christmas this early, other than an advent calendar, but I think I'll do extra today. I need some "change" to my living quarters. I've always loved a ceramic tree my mother made, but to make it light up I'd need to totally change the wiring for Europe. We might go to a mall today. Maybe they have the wire we'd need.

Called out of work. Right now IDGAF if I get fired. I don’t think I will anyway. I want to just sit on the couch and listen to Spotify and stare at the wall right now.

I didn’t get to sleep until about 2:30am. I hurt so bad last night, I felt SO BAD about myself and I could not get the SH thoughts out of my head. I listened to the les miserables soundtrack. I tried ice. Eventually I had to wake up RS and have him hold me and rob my back. I hate waking him up but if I didn’t I would have definitely SH. I was also

I think I was so tired yesterday because I took my new migraine medicine the night before at around 10:30. I guess I’m just not destined to find a med that doesn’t knock me out. I’d rather deal with the sleepiness than the intense headache though.

I guess eventually I’ll do something useful today but not right now.

Oy. Another night of a couple hours of sleep. Was still trying to catch some sleep when it was time for aqua fitness so I didn’t go. Entertained myself by inventing a new British comic sitcom. But I’m mostly forgotten it now. My neck is killing me. That’s from standing up and doing the wreath last night. It was a lot of looking up and keeping my hands raised as the wreathes were on the wall! Still I’m glad I went.

I got back from therapy a couple hours ago and I'm still cracking up at her lack of unprofessionlism. I went in there and asked how her turkery went. She said it went terrible. Then I was voicing my concerns about covid and how I was concerned about things. And she was being reassuring and all that. Then 10 minutes before the session ended I said "new variant" and she said "wait? What new variant?" Has she been living under a ****ing rock for a week? she thought I was talking about one of the older strains for 45 minutes. So I explained the new one to her and she freaked the **** out and went on a rant for a good 5 minutes about "oh here we go again" and she wasn't even adding onto my anxiety I was actually finding her rant quite entertaining. I've never seen any therapist get like that. She calmed down by the time the session ended but still had an annoyed tone by the time I left her office 5 minutes later. What romper room ****ery as Latrice Royale would say. Lol
She probably went straight to google the second I left.

But I feel fine today besides this insane hunger. I inhaled Taco Bell when I got home and I'm still starving. I took a new profile picture and all I post on facebook is stuff about food and people probably think I'm one of those people who can eat whatever they want to and not gain weight.

But today I'm doing good. I slept 12.5 hours last night and my anxiety and moods are ok.

But man did my therapist have a complelte meltdown today. Funny stuff. She also thinks Trump is a good bussinesman. Then why did he file for bankruptcy 5 times? At least she doesnt support him.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my new med provider who has the personality of Nurse Ratchet. She’s on my insurance so it’s $25 versus $95 for the nice lady who does an outstanding job. I can and have worked with many difficult personalities and can get along with just about anybody but I may have to throw up a white flag on this one. It’s so unpleasant. I don’t feel I can be totally honest with her either. I’ll give her one or two more chances. Life’s too short.

SAD has tiptoed in on me. I’m sad, upset and unmotivated about everything and nothing has changed. I know what is happening and knowledge is power so I’m fighting it as effectively as I can. I’m still planning to attend all my appointments and events no matter how bad I feel. It’s not going to get the better of me!

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.