Bipolar check-in #60

I can’t tell what’s anxiety or what’s not. I did what I could. I did what I should. I did what I shouldn’t. It’s later then I am normally awake. I don’t know. Hopefully I don’t wake up at 2:30 so I have to watch the clocks switch back to 1:30. Which always sucks.

keep an eye on your hypomania....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I hate daylight savings with a passion. It's supposed to be 2:40 but nope, got a whole 'nother hour to get through to get there. I'm tempted to take an extra valium. I've been taking it more on a PRN basis lately anyways. Ski season has started in the east. My home mountain probably won't open for another month and a half. I have to a lot of work to do on my skis. I'm going to go look at the stars now.

I fell asleep much later then normally I fell asleep at 8:30 instead of 6:30. So I was thinking I’ll sleep in until 4 because of the time change. But I woke up at 2:30. Which is 3:30. So now idk what to do because I can’t sleep. I can’t eat or drink anything until 6:30. I knew this would happen but I kind of also thought it might not because of the struggle I had falling asleep.

I was thinking of going to get my haircut when they open but I’m still a bit stuffed up coughing and I don’t want anyone jumping down my throat for going out sick. So I’ll see how I am by 11.

I made my husband a special "cake" for his upcoming name day. It was a near total miss, given a translation error, and other issues. In the end, it still looked and tasted good. It's a Malakoff cake, which is a type of Charlotte Russe. Rum soaked ladyfingers "crust" filled with a ground almond cream custard and strawberries, then topped with whipped cream and more strawberties, plus mint leaves.

I didn't get to sleep until after 4 am last night, despite taking my evening meds on time. I'm becoming very stressed. I need a break from this. Hubby has been hearing my frustrated and sad laments. He's not exactly happy, either.

Oh soupe, your food always looks so good but that looks scrumptious! Wish though you’d get a few days off to just putter around the house and take walks. Do you get snow where you are now?

Your cake is stunning! You are very talented. I hope your stress level goes down soon.

I am SO aggravated. I woke up like this. Last night I was wide awake at 10:30 and while that’s not late I could definitely tell it would be a sleepless night if I didn’t take preventative action so I begrudgingly too seroquel. I was worried I wouldn’t wake up till very late in the AM and be exhausted all day but I woke up at 7:45 and I’m not tired.

My son begged for ihop and I hate the ihop near us but I ordered to go but they left out half the order, so I agreed to go BACK. But by the time I got there it looked like a hundred more orders had come in. I tried to wait but after 15 minutes I couldn’t take the noise in the waiting area so forget it, take my $5.

RS can tell I’m not ok but I didn’t want him to feel bad and stay home from the truck show. He’s been trying to go to this one for two months. The first one was rained out and then they rescheduled for our wedding day so this is the first one he could make it to. And anyway I’d be even more agitated with him here because he hates sitting home anyway and I’d have to come up with something to do because apparently I am designated entertainment coordinator around here.

We have to go grocery shopping as my son oh so kindly keeps reminding me but I need to try to calm down before that because I don’t want to be very tense and angry and take it out on my son unintentionally.

I don’t feel as roid rageish as I did yesterday afternoon. Yeah those last few hours before getting my testosterone shot and then the night of are pretty tough. But it’s been way better overall since the surgery. I have a new favorite song called The Freshmen by Verve Pipe. I don’t recommend listening to it or even googling the lyrics if your triggered easily since the topic is about pretty heavy stuff. But I like the quote that goes the song just really resonates with me in so many ways. Like I just find it so relatable.

Anyways today I’m just trying to figure out money issues while also trying to plan for 2 trips this month that are going to cost money I don’t really have. Luckily the hotels are paid for already and my mom will probably pay for meals. I should just turn on the TV and try to distract myself a bit from my money issues and what else I have going on.



My therapist who is the same age as me looks and dresses likes she’s 40 and is a parent and I currently look and am dressed like a high school stoner from the 90’s. I just can’t relate to her despite our age. But I’d rather look like me then her to be honest. And I mean in terms of our body shape and weight. Like I’m glad my shots are doing what they should be doing. Although I wouldn’t necessarily leave my house dressed this way.

Edit: Actually now it’s working quite well.

Highly irritable today. I didn’t sleep the best last night, once I finally fell asleep. I took my seroquel to help me sleep but I don’t think it managed to do that. It’s always a race against the clock with night meds so I don’t get into the uncomfortable uneasy space. Sadly I didn’t beat it last night. I am ok now, but in the moment I said to myself “NO more meds. Just don’t go through this anymore.”. I know that isn’t the answer, but it is something I am kind of stuck on, still. I don’t want to give up something that’s incredible for me 95% of the time.

I’ve always hated Sundays. I don’t know why, but I’ve always been like that. This week is packed just like last week. Same order too – hopefully it goes well. I swear if my psychiatrist doesn’t show up I will literally scream. Lol.

I’m fighting a lot of negative feelings these days. I hope I can find ways to quell the emotion inside.

I’m trying to clear my calendar for next weekend but it’s 64F and full sunshine here and it’s beckoning me. That, some eggnog and a good book. Maybe I can squeeze in both.

I had a stern discussion with myself and I’m back on my medication regimen now.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

@wildflowerchild25 When I was a kid, my dad would say "I'm not the entertainment committee!"

Hi Nammu. Yes, Czech Republic does get a good amount of snow in the winter. It hasn't snowed yet where I live, but you may recall that I did see snow in CZ already, but up in the mountains. Remember the little snow person I said looked like it was hitchhiking?

Evening lows have been just above freezing where I am. A little colder and there could be snow. The Feast of Saint Martin is on November 11. There are various stories regarding that saint, but one is that he rode a large white horse and brought the first snow of the season. So now people always wonder if Saint Martin will "ride in on his white horse" and bring snow.

Attached is a photo of my hubby skiing in Czechoslovakia (as it was still then) some years before he even met me or moved to the US. Last Christmas I bought him a whole new set of skis and ski boots (and a new ski outfit). He has not yet used them. Hopefully he will soon. He's not so athletic as he was in his youth In any case, I don't ski. I just sit in the ski lodge drinking hot coffee or cocoa.

I saw on the news that a famous country singer died in a plane crash. They didn't say what kind of plane. Was it a commercial jet or a private plane like John Denver's? It got me thinking of how many parts there are on a plane and how any of them could break and then I thought "Why don't they have extra parts that could break instead? That would solve the problem!"

It's 59 degrees! Woot! So lovely and sunny too.

lol. My mom doesn’t understand the difference between corn tortillas and tortilla chips. Guess we’re eating our Mexican dinner with a fork tonight.

Now she offers to go to the store after I’ve already eaten those calories in something else.

I don’t know how to fix the dumb mistake I made earlier, safely. But it’s tough right now. I don’t remember having such trouble last DLS managing everything. But my weekly shots may have been on a different day.

I am sorry why are you lamenting? why are you becoming so stressed?
(((((HUGS)))))
and love bizi

Hey I know I do some crazy **** but today it was only because of the time change nothing else

so just take a nap!
bizi

I just took the Sanity Score test. I scored highest on eating disorders followed by post traumatic stress/mania/physical issues (tie). My overall score was 124. Two years of therapy has helped me with none of those things, but at least meds have helped with the severe schizophrenia symptoms. I'm not even officially dx'd with an eating disorder or PTSD, though I feel those are impacting me harder than schizoaffective right now.

Anyhoo, I have a massive headache. It's my fault because I lost my reading glasses and I've been either reading or on the computer all day.

I lazed around in bed for a bit with my music. I then told my mom. She didn’t think it was a big deal. She doesn’t really get these med issues I get. I slammed down a Coke Zero for the caffeine and ate 2 Huevous rancheros. I took my blood pressure. It was normal besides a pulse of 107 which she said is me just getting worked up. I feel better after eating so I think I just needed a hot meal. Although I think I under counted my calories probably close to half. I forgot eggs have 70 calories each instead of 140. Most of what I ate was just eggs and salsa which basically have no calories and then a bit of beans. But I’m in no mood to eat anything else. I really just want to take the rest of my prescribed meds and crash all night. I don’t know if this the start of SAD for me or what. I’m having difficulty coming to terms with my therapist today. I just feel like even though we’re on the same age we’re on other planets. And I honestly don’t know how that will affect our relationship down the road. But yeah half an hour of lying down with music and then a bottle of Coke and a hot meal made me feel a lot better.

wish I could nap

This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from a reality TV show. In an episode of Project Runway one of the contestants is whining and one of the other contestants says

“Becky! If you’re tired take a nap!”

I say that to myself several times a week

I remember bringing it up in therapy because she watched the show too at one point and she said “oh jeeze” when I quoted it.

I just went on a approx 30 minute walk to and from Starbucks- so a total of an hour with about half an hour in between. It was nearly 70 degrees here today! I won't be able to walk this path once it starts snowing in earnest as not all the business clear the sidewalk in front of their property, unfortunately. I was stepping in snow up to my knees practically last winter when I took a fit and decided to walk from home to Starbucks. (I got a ride home that time, though.) Now I feel like I should go to sleep but it's not even 6! It is, however, dark. 😢