My diary: To support and help others

Much better today! No cough, fever gone for good. Glad that this weird flu is utterly destroyed. And I got negative Covid-test. Now I will celebrate Christmas with my near and dear tomorrow. Nothing will be ruined.

Had a bad sleep but I took it then on the day and had a long but pleased nap. Sometimes the body needs to having those naps too, and it usually tells you when it’s the time.

I wish You all here a Merry Christmas from Sweden. Stay safe will You!

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Well, this day wasn’t my day either. Unfortunately I couldn’t risk that my brother and his family will be get infected from whatever the hell I now have. So I didn’t came and celebrated the Christmas with them. Although, I delivered my gifts to the children - as I always do. And no matter how bad and ill I am, I will always find a way to deliver the Christmas gifts. If they liked them? They shouted and screamed out of joy hehe.

So I kind of celebrated Christmas alone. I, my coughing, watching some series on HBO Max, drinking good tea and all that. I don’t hit the pub/bar like this and I surely wouldn’t do it even if I would be all good. I’m not that person who drinks anymore. And if I would, it would’ve been anything that contains zero alcohol. Especially since alcohol isn’t that good for you who do have this kind of disorder because it is like playing Russian roulette with your brain. But to say I never got drunk during my 10,5 years having this disease? Well, that would’ve been lying mostly to myself. And I regret every single moment.

I realised that since there will be fewer and fewer chances to reclaim your brain back in good condition, I dropped the drinking completely. And I’m glad that I did.

Enjoy the holidays and don’t waste them on something you will regret. Spend the days with your family and friends. And embrace the next year better than ever before.

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You are charming, wise, and express yourself so well. I'm terribly sorry you've been so ill and couldn't have a very festive Christmas. Be sure to drink plenty of water.

Thank you for your kind words! If only people here - especially at my work - were so kind and understanding as you. It’s kind of hard to mention some downfalls I had, but, that’s the thing with this thread. To help others not chose those wrong path I did.

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Today I feel much better. Not fully recovered but better. I have some sort of snotty thing in my throat, and feels as a size of a ping pong-ball. My brother went far up north with his family on skiing. It was his first time too. Our parents, they didn’t had afford to make us visiting places like Åre or Sälen up north. And especially not some skiing equipment. I told my brother to watch my little nephews, ALL the TIME. Because accidents happens and if something happened to them I couldn’t live without any of them. I love them as if their were my own flesh and blood - witch in one way they are.

But I did some walk today. It was chilly but not that chilly. -3 C (26,6 F) and now at night -9 C (15,8 F). I like winter but unfortunately the days will be now longer and longer. I say unfortunately, because I must watch myself extra in late March, entire April to the first half of May. That, so I avoid triggering me spring depression. But I’ve learned myself, I adapt too. Evolve into something durable and stronger.

That’s the most interesting things with us humans and our minds: that we eventually evolve. We get through things better than before. And we learn ourselves on the way. I’m glad that my mom supported me through these hard years I had, my dad too. In the end, when no one wanted to help me when I needed the help as most, my brave mom and my brave dad was there. That is why I also after these years have so strong bond to them. Also, remember this:

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If you noticed little bit by now, you probably noticed that I like to listen at rock, heavy metal, hard rock and punk. Which means at bands such as Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden, Metallica and The Ramones (to name a few).

What I had done today? Absolutely nothing. I was lazing on a Sunday afternoon. Went out for a walk too in the icy sun. Cleaned up my place, tidy it nice and neat. Did some laundry too. Perhaps the Sunday wasn’t way too lazy as Freddie Mercury’s was. But I certainly liked the week he had in that song he sings for about 1 min and 16s. Taken from one of the best album this planet ever had; A Night at the Opera (1975). If I was about to physically leave planet Earth and if I only would chose one album to have in my phone, this would be THE one. Luckily, I won’t and I’ll listen to Queen, Led Zeppelin, Ozzy and many, many more for many years to come.

The coughing is still annoying me, mostly at nights. But I both trick AND treat against that. Packed my medicine box as I always do by routine every Sunday evening. Every pill needs to be for exactly on right day and right time of the day. That’s the key for winning the battle and perhaps the war over this illness: to have control and to maintain your body with steady structure and always be prepared. Always. The pills are your backbone, and without them the sickness would never let you win any battle. It would eventually overwhelm you, take the control and you will end up in hospital. In best case scenario. In worst case scenario: die.

What to do tomorrow? What to do? I really don’t know, I really don’t what to do. And neither did The Rolling Stones in 1966. Perhaps go for a longer walk? Or be lazy on a Monday afternoon.

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Not much had happened today. Just an easy, relaxing day. I need such easy days too - since most of them are hard. And I can’t miss any of my pills. Not a single one. When I did that - which in some few cases I did - “only” 300mg of Ergenyl felt in my mind as if I had a flu. That cannot and must never happen. So if you get medicines from your doctor in psychiatry you need to take every single one. Period.

I also got an appointment today with my greenhorn psychiatrist nurse. We can call him “Johan”. Remarkably that I even got the meeting in 14th January, and even more remarkable that I needed to contact my psychiatrist care to remind (!) them that I still need some talking. Also, I’ve been waiting almost a year for their rental-(!)-doctors (I use the word “rental” since this psychiatrist centres are leasing all their doctors on short term). Mental/psychiatrist centres are extremely low on people, especially on doctors, here in my country. That’s why it is a dagger through my heart when I see that Swedish television will now have gala performance against mental illness - in Arena Avicii (Stockholm). Yes, same Avicii (Tim Bergling) who took his own life back in 2018 due to mental illness. They will do all this but the politicians will not help us in our regions (read states) by hiring MORE doctors?

Perhaps I’m narrow minded. Perhaps it’s not fair that I put it this way. But, how many Tims will those politicians need to get us some doctors so they can help us? And administrators in city hall, who don’t give the slightest damn about if you have bipolar or whatever the hell you have: you’re on your own. And if you do something they think it’s not suited for them, you can look for work elsewhere. On top of everything this entire BIAS against mental health and disorders etc. So having gala performances - with Swedish celebrities etc. - what will this have an impact for us who are affected with mental illness? Or is it just to raise attention in media for time being, raise some money (swedes are very good with that no matter what it is) to some fund and then what?

Tim Bergling would be still alive if he got help from very start. But he didn’t, nor he wanted to search, since here in this damn country it’s STILL prejudice to have ANY mental illness. It’s more than tabu to talk about this, especially for us men. And if you reveal that, those people will never look you same way as they did before. In matter of fact, they even might get things very complicated for your OR try to get rid off you - since you’re the weakest link. So no matter how “brave” Swedish media tries to be, it will unfortunately have limited affect for those who really need the help. Then, next week the media - as always - will forget about it and put a new topic instead.

This is how things works. And this is why it’s so difficult to reveal yourself and what you have. And this is why I always reflect like this for myself every night before I go to bed. Hoping that there are some people who might understand us who are affected and who carries this day in day out no matter what our job is. That’s why I still telling me this even today that there is still hope.

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Time surely flies. Soon time to celebrate new year, making promises and so on. Perhaps even a wish. I’m not sure what I wish for. Because every time I wished that something good would happen, it went in the opposite direction. I will not nag about this nor pity myself. I’m worried. That’s about it. Worried that people who I told in confidence about my illness use this now against me. Worried that I was betrayed from people I cared and was loyal to - one of them a school administrator. Worried about these panic attacks and that I one day might not be able control them and freak out at work or some elsewhere and people will see me in that condition.

Since 2005 I’ve tried to learn how to master my psyche, and since the happening in 2011 when I got diagnosed with bipolar, I trained my mind even more. Problem with me that I shouldn’t never ever let people go that close into me. And I should’ve always put boundaries. Walls - if I needed so. No wonder why everything of this haunts me till this day. Things that could’ve gone far better went in completely in another direction. What’s worst? That I had such weak mind. Weak thinking. Like a single branch that could be cracked. Instead of being the deep root that not even a god damn hurricane could move me around. And if it did, I would’ve bounced back.

So it took me what - 10 years and six months - to realise all that. Years that could’ve gone for far more better things - and jobs. How to deal with my current situations? By learning everything from the past and mould myself for a better future. That will be my one and only new year-promise. To adapt myself for every change that will come. To let no one see me cry or shout or go in panic. To prove them all that they were all wrong and that they should be ashamed for themselves and for all those years I was in vain and misery thanks to them. For all that bullying and out-freezing. “The silence-culture”. That, dear reader, is how many swedes are even till this day. And I just summed it all.

And no matter what, I’ll keep writing my diary here. And I hope that one day it will help other people who were in similar or same situation as I. And I hope they get brave. Because, in horrid moments, you need to put your self together by refocus, breathing in square and - relax. Do as you do with your laptop, reboot your mind, and give it for another and better go. But this time with security programs online with a big firewall.

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Today was a different day. I woke up early after I dreamt something. Took my pill as always - the 300mg Ergenyl. Ate breakfast. Took a cup coffee. I’m extra glad today since I haven’t used Zopiclone for weeks. That’s right, weeks! I sleep good, my sleeping is good too. I don’t get panic attacks either. It is still somewhat difficult to fall asleep since I have silly tendency to worry about stuff. Stuff that might for any other be silly or ridiculous. But also stuff regarding my work, how will it be when I return after the break and so on.

So I do all my best to cheer me up and be bright. To remove all those bad thoughts, thoughts that I had yesterday or the day before. Thoughts about fear and how people will see me having this disorder. That fear which I had since the day I got this as diagnosis. People who see for example celebrities having bipolar as a part of the standard in our society but seeing other ordinary people is not. Exactly how many sees this or that way, I would probably never know since few people know about my diagnosis. And I won’t go and reveal it on social media to all of my friends and relatives.

But what I do know is that I’m always helpful and helping others. Big or small, no matter what favour - I’ll do that. Like my parents driveway, yesterday. Just took the shovel, took away and scratched away all snow during that new one constantly fell. It took me almost 2h. My back hurt but wow. That work and that exercise! So I did it today to, and helped them. Scratched away snow till the tarmac itself. And I was just as yesterday - sweaty as hell. Finally all that negative sweat went all out of my body. At last.

What to do furthermore? Be positive! So I’ll name at least three positive things that I did every day for myself. And try not to moan and groan that much. Try to enjoy the life and every moment of it - no matter what I do. Because life is truly short. So dear reader, have faith you too. And I hope I didn’t scared you away by now. If I did, I apologise. But life has it’s downs too, not always ups. Now I’m seeing my favourite tv-series and enjoy all that effort I did yesterday and especially today. And how thankful my parents were to see an tidy and cleaned driveway - all the way to the door. My hands got fully exercise too, and I feel it just as I type this message. Working class hands - as they always was and as they always will be.

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Today I got a visit by my brother’s children. They were away on a trip for a couple of days. Both of them were so happy to see me and hugged me for very long time. We ate some food, then pancakes and played some video games for children. Even if they are still small, they both seems to understand what I have and what I battle against each and every day. So they always make me in good mood. They love also that I read to them so I do that too sometimes. Also, we play outdoors too and having fun. Or going playing football/soccer when the weather allows.

But just as the night arrives and when I’m going to bed, no matter how great day went, the anxiety comes. Not that perhaps in massive portions, but still. It’s there. So I refocus, thinking now of the day, how fun I had with those children. And that next adventure is just waiting around the corner. Also breathing deeply if needed - not in squares (yet). When their mom picked them they told me that they will celebrate the New Year with me. I was then afterwards buying one non alcoholic wine for me, my bother and his wife along with non alcoholic champagne. Also some non alcoholic beer who had - weirdly enough - flavour of mango (!). I’ve tasted non alcoholic beer with little flavour of pear, but mango!? I prepared some good food too, my brother’s girlfriend will bring also some. But hey, that’s more than three positive things that happened to me today!

Also on the positive side: I don’t have nightmares anymore. It is a relief for me, knowing that I can relax before I go to sleep and then just dream. Perhaps they come when you’re in some rough periods. Probably. Tomorrow then? Nope, no fireworks this year either because it’s just silly to burn up your money in some pyros. Some colours here and there and *puff* - money gone.

I haven’t made any promise for the next year. And to be honest, I don’t know what I’ll promise about. Sometimes it’s better to not make any promises at all unless you 100% know for sure that you’ll complete them. But, I do promise (50%) that - when Covid-19 and it’s moronically mutations halts a bit - go for some dates and meet people. At least 50%, so I have some margins IF I don’t completely proceed that promise. Go out, have a good cup of latte chai and enjoy the life.

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First and foremost: HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM SWEDEN!

This year was a different New Year from me and my family. My brother couldn’t join me since he was at home with injured leg (“cyborg-leg” as he calls it now). And his girlfriend worked. The kids where at my home and we had a lot of fun today. Not that they played video games, we played a card-game. I, my parents and them. The game was called “In the lake”, which means everyone have seven cards and the rest of the cards are the “lake” (upside down and mixed). Then you ask by clockwise: “Do you have any kings?” And if you have, then you need to give them. If not, just say “In the lake”. The thing is that you need to collect as many pairs as possible. Doing so when all cards in the lake are running out (and in the hand), then you have won. This game is typical Swedish game that both children and adults can play.

I woke though late this time, 11 am. But, still I did a lots of things. Helped my mom to prepare the New Year-dinner, tidy everything and so on. Now it’s 47 minutes after the midnight, I’m drinking some alcohol free champagne (some Italian, probably best I ever drank at all). Before that some red alcohol free wine. I bought all this not in some liquor-store (in Sweden it’s forbidden to sell all that) but at Systembolaget. Systembolaget is a government owned company who have only purpose and that to sell less and less alcohol to their customers. Unfortunately, many swedes like to drink, even if people who works for Systembolaget are strict about this (you need to be 21 year old even to enter there). I saw some men and women in line with paying the cashier yesterday. And I also noticed the strong, heavy smell from alcohol and cigarettes. I was 1,5m (approximately 5 feet) in the line to pay. Yes, some people need to have a ban for buying alcohol since they can’t have control of themselves - unfortunately!

I promised myself I won’t go back to that. I was alcohol consumer myself not so long ago. And in combination with bipolar, no matter what anyone says, it’s like playing Russian roulette with your brain. Because when you lose, you will lose hard. Just like having a complete meltdown in the head. That is why it is dangerous to be drunk having bipolar disorder. I had just luck those times that I fully recovered. Sometimes it took me “only” weeks, sometimes it took me one or two months.

How I feel now? Happy. Happy that I have a good year to look forward to. I mean basically ANY upcoming year will be better than 2020 and especially 2021. So embrace this new year, go out and have fun with your near and dear. And have faith. We need to stay strong just a little bit more. Oh, one last important thing especially for You who have bipolar or any other disorder:

VACCINE yourself ASAP! Take ALL vaccines, for your own personal safety but also for your family and close ones. It is helping you to protect your body NOT to ending up in intensive care (IF there are any places left that means) and it is preventing the new upcoming viruses to NOT spread themselves and kill thousands and thousands people every day. You with bipolar and any other diagnoses are in the risk group. So dear reader, stay safe and take ALL vaccines that they give to you! I wish you all the best in 2022, a lot of happiness and joy. And a lots of hugs! We all need that after this Covid-19. Stay safe!

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Hexagon If you noticed little bit by now, you probably noticed that I like to listen at rock, heavy metal, hard rock and punk. Which means at bands such as Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden, Metallica and The Ramones (to name a few). What I had done today? Absolutely nothing. I was lazing on a Sunday afternoon. Went out for a walk too in the icy sun. Cleaned up my place, tidy it nice and neat. Did some laundry too. Perhaps the Sunday wasn’t way too lazy as Freddie Mercury’s was. But I certainly liked the week he had in that song he sings for about 1 min and 16s. Taken from one of the best album this planet ever had; A Night at the Opera (1975). If I was about to physically leave planet Earth and if I only would chose one album to have in my phone, this would be THE one. Luckily, I won’t and I’ll listen to Queen, Led Zeppelin, Ozzy and many, many more for many years to come. The coughing is still annoying me, mostly at nights. But I both trick AND treat against that. Packed my medicine box as I always do by routine every Sunday evening. Every pill needs to be for exactly on right day and right time of the day. That’s the key for winning the battle and perhaps the war over this illness: to have control and to maintain your body with steady structure and always be prepared. Always. The pills are your backbone, and without them the sickness would never let you win any battle. It would eventually overwhelm you, take the control and you will end up in hospital. In best case scenario. In worst case scenario: die. What to do tomorrow? What to do? I really don’t know, I really don’t what to do. And neither did The Rolling Stones in 1966. Perhaps go for a longer walk? Or be lazy on a Monday afternoon. Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Thank you for another wise post. I like your taste in music - mine is the same!

Brightest blessings to you in this new year...joy, comfort, and good health.

We play this game in the US too but we call it "Go FIsh". We usually play with a special deck of cards that use different sea creatures to match but that's really just because it was easier for my nieces to learn when it was the sea creatures versus all the cards in the deck. I've been playing it with each of them since they were about 3. They're now 11 and 8 and still love it.

Yes, that’s the game. I didn’t knew the English word for it. Fun game, we played it again today as well. Also, one game that is also fun to play is “skitgubbe” means in roughly translated “crapman”. You have free cards that you’re not allowed to see, another three on top of those you can’t allow to see and three cards in your hand. 2 can be put on every card but then it must have a runner up. 10 sweeps all cards, pairs too (but must be higher than the card on the table). The thing is to eliminate all of your cards in the hand and those other on the table (3 and 3). That person who gets most of the cards while others eliminate theirs became “crapman”.

I would’ve explained in more details but it would’ve taking me bit long.

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Thank you for the kind words, Beth! And I really hope you will have a wonderful 2022 you too! We need all to be strong and have faith!

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1/1, 2022. Felt like it was yesterday, even though it’s a new, fresh chapter in the story. The snow is gone since some days ago, now it’s just raining and raining. The feeling when you suddenly have autumn again instead of frozen, chilly winter. Dark too. I’m not complaining - quiet the opposite. But, I know that both January and February will swoosh just like that and I’ll enter in that period that I need to be extra cautious with. That period is spring, when daylight suddenly becomes longer and brighter. I even have another layer of extra dark curtains just to now having any sunlight at all. Completely darkness - as if I was living in Dracula’s castle in Romania.

I’m unfortunately sensitive to sunlight who can - believe it or not - trigger that my bipolar turns into heavy spring depression. That’s why I always need to be prepared every spring for the rest of my life. Even so when I’m on holiday, I only ask hotels if they have extra dark curtains. If not, I’ll just take another one instead. This is how I lived my life since the disease in 2011. But I refuse that it takes control over me. Why the hell should I let it when I can take control over it? One step closer to taking control over it is to take control over your sleep and your habits. That means getting enough sleep and go to bed early, no alcohol and try to avoid sugar (candy, bars etc.). No junk food. Exercise instead and eat healthy. Try to walk at least 2 miles. Perhaps 3 miles when you think you can make it.

Also, find some methods to be relaxed. Is it like I have - via an app called White Noise (mindfulness) - or is it via somewhere else, perhaps via a book, then go for it. But find a good way and strategy to relax yourself mentally when you’re in bed and want to fall asleep. Sleeping pills like Zopiclone will always be good to have in those moments you absolutely can’t fall asleep at all, or having periods to struggle for the sleep. Bur try to learn your body so you don’t need to use those pills that much often. Firstly, they are highly addictive, and second - you can’t never ever use them three or four weeks in row.

I hope that you will learn of any of my notes here. And I will write it each and every day. Also, I watched a lot of Netflix today - following the story of The Witcher. Never played the video game but I sure like the series.

Have a blessed and happy new start of this year! Let’s be strong together!

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Day 2 in the 2022. Great day today, people. Played with my brother’s kids (after they woke me up). I love them so much. I spent most of my day at home with them - it was their last day at their uncles place. But they will come again. As they always do. We spent the last moments today by watching cartoons. They like also to watch those programs on YouTube Kids where American parents make some goofy shows and shenanigans with their kids. I can’t believe how popular that is, but it is. Millions and millions of viewers. And I must say, it’s funny for the grownups to watch too.

I walked them home afterwards, their mother was there. My brother too - and his cyborg-leg. The little one jumped on their mom and hugged her. As he always do. One part of me was sad that they were leaving. Because they are my everything. And I like to spend every little moment with them.

When I walked back home, I thought also about myself. Me, having a family. But I don’t know. So far those women I was suppose to get a family with turned out to be something else. Not that I did tried, oh I did. And beyond. The only thing I regret is when I broke up with a girl back in 2013. She was the one. But, unfortunately, I wasn’t. I was still fragile, fighting to get myself back from the 2011 and also 2012. I wasn’t ready to be father. I was broke, no money no nothing. How the hell would I have even a family? How would I take care of my first born? With what? Money that I didn’t had? Call it common sense or whatever, but the day I broke up with her to fix my future - that haunts me too till this day. And I’m kind of sick and tired to be haunted from my past. I don’t date today, because I almost given up. My last relationship was in 2018. This year I’m 38. Watching how my fiends are married, having families and all that. Sometimes I dream about that too. Or perhaps it is my faith to be all alone? I, who chit-chatted since I was three year old with ANY stranger there was. Who is so friendly to everyone, always social. Then why the hell have I isolated myself from everyone?

That is something I ask myself too. And I don’t know. I don’t have the answer for it. Perhaps because I was hurt so many times at work? Just for being that - socialised? That I can’t trust at many people due to all this? We will see what tomorrow brings. I am just taking moment by moment, day by day. Perhaps I’ll ease up a bit with that isolation. Go out to gym as I did before. I know omicron will hit us hard, but I have two shots of mRNA. Thing is, I have also bipolar which makes everything difficult, especially IF sill get that new virus. The next shot is in February. So another month of isolation? Maybe, we will see. Not many can do this thing I am doing - while it’s ongoing difficulties on my work between me and my boss. While I need to perform at the very best on my work. While I need to keep smiling and still pretending that everything is fine. While I need to watch my back every minute to see who of my so call “colleagues” will stab me in the back with a dagger or with a sword this time. All this poison, while they all pretend to honouring the “values”.

Sorry for a long post today, dear reader. But I’m in a difficult position - and I can’t stop thinking about it. A position where my previous boss have put me into when same old boss listened at those poisonous colleagues. And last year came the new boss. Same as the old boss. But we won’t get fooled again…

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Day 3 on the new year. Worked early today, since I’m trying to have less and less oversleepings. Unfortunately, last night I was forced to take that pill I don’t want to take: the Zopiclone. That taste of metal, disgusting every time. I was in bed for almost one hour and I really wanted to naturally fall asleep. So as time went by (since time doesn’t give a damn about you, your sleeping-issues or your disease) I took the decision. But only one. And it erased every, little dream. As it always does.

Even when I woke up I felt that metallic taste in my mouth. Finished the breakfast, all the usual. Last week I booked myself a massage, and today I went there. And it was wonderful! Each and everyone of us need that contact, especially we who have this illness. The massage is important not only for grownups but also for children. When I went out from the massage centre, it was as if someone put wings on me. Just like with Icarus, except that I didn’t flew that high and got flambéed myself.

I walked through the rain on my way back home, listening on Ozzy Osbourne and his tunes. And he have hell of a lot good tunes. My top 3? “Tonight”, “Perry Mason” and “You Looking at Me, Looking at You”. It was nice little walk of approximately 2 miles back and fourth. If there is anything I need to spoil me away with, it’s massage. It’s not that expensive either. If I’ll go again? Soon, maybe. Even though I need to be extra cautious during this new damn outbreak of omicron. But to isolate myself? Hell no. I’ve been doing that since February 2020. I’m sick of this. Although, I won’t take any risks or stupid decisions but I will neither be alone.

Now I’m in my bed and trying to relax of myself. Release all minds from my head and swim across through universe, dream and dream. Hopefully, I won’t take Zopiclone tonight.

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Day 4 in the new 2022. I’m not sure how to put this, but I can’t stop thinking about this situation I’m currently in - even this year. I will not troubling you with all details, but, it’s job related. I have been so strong since the last year (when it all started), tried my very best. Not only that we still have this pandemic, and this new omicron-evolution of the Covid-19, some people are doing all their best to make my life to a perfect hell.

The thing is that, they are aware that I survived far worse hell-storms than this thing. I survived first bullying when I was 6 year old. I survived a war when I was 8 and 9. I survived being bullied by a teacher in three years when I was 11, 12 and 13. I survived parallel with that even more bullying by other students - mentally and physically. Humiliations, beatings, there were all kind of things that I survived here in Sweden, all these years I’ve been living here (almost 30 years). I’ve been seen everything here, I’ve been also at rock bottom one period of my life - no money no nothing. I survived even that, and also an attempted suicide in 2011. And I’ve been fighting all of this, even if many times - especially when I was 11, 12 and 13 - all of me wanted to disappear in atoms. Just to be gone for all eternity and never ever come back on this planet ever again.

But you know what, dear reader? There was always someone there. In my case my mom, since all of this was sometimes too hard for my dad to handle. My mom was my wind, my fire, my water and my earth. She was the key in all this that I never ever gave up. And if I had some thoughts about it, we walked to the woods. We walked and just walked. I listened and she talked. She knew I was sensitive and that bad people might use that against me, many, many times. Even today, some people use my sensitivity and my kindness against me. Putting all kind of daggers, even venomous ones behind my back. Then dine it on a silver plate.

I’m struggling now, like I did so many times before. Struggling. It’s though, it’s hard. It was same way when I was in university and being bullied by some older women in my student-group. But the worst thing isn’t the words itself who damages you and everything inside: it’s that cold, out freezing-thing and the silent culture. When you’re suddenly all alone and don’t belong anywhere. But you try to be happy nevertheless, putting your new mask on every day. And smile. Smile through any storm there is and have fun.

Tonight? It’s dark, raining at the moment. No snow, no nothing. I also took my pills, 8:00pm, as always. 2,5mg olanzapine, 300mg + 300mg Ergenyl. Tomorrow is a new day, new opportunities, new hope. Stay safe and enjoy every moment of your life! Oh, speaking of storms:

"Remember to play after every storm."

- Mattie Stepanek

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Hope you had great day, dear reader. Last night was - well - bad. One of my baddest. I refused to take Zopiclone (silly enough) and tried to fell naturally. All this when I had all those thoughts about my job and that. And, I got one of my heavy panic attacks and also panic disorder in one and same wave. I just freaked out. I couldn’t sleep no more. I took a book and tried to get asleep. Eventually, I did. Late, but I did. I was also going up early (6 am) and have meeting with my doctor.

So I woke up, ate my porridge of oats, took my medicines in the morning and waited for doctor. Doctor called me and I told him everything, the nightmares, about the work and so on. He knew all this but he didn’t knew that I’m this kind of pressure is putting on me and that I have panic attacks AND panic disorders. And for a long time at night. So I will not work 100% as I hoped for, but 75%. Also I think that I’m with depression, and he noticed too. Not that it fully took control over me but still. I’m in it’s claws.

After the meeting I made myself coffee and walked for a walk in the woods. I’m walking always to the woods even when everything is fine. But I needed this. A bit of foggy, slippery. The ground was frozen. But right before I entered the foggy woods, I heard something picking on a tree. And it was the woodpecker, noisy but funny. If anything keeps me smiling and cheering me up, it’s the woodpecker. I was there for a brief moment, stood and watched him picking that old tree. He didn’t flee away, just did his job and with bravura.

I went 3 miles all in all for my walk where 1,86 of them were inside the woods. I think tomorrow that I’ll go even longer. And it was wonderful! I needed that energy from the trees.

How I am now? Better, tired. Ready to sleep. Ready to take new things tomorrow. And keeping my head high no matter what. Life is like a bicycle. You only need to pedal forward - not backward. Because backwards will lead you nowhere.

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Your perspective is beautiful. I hope you are sound asleep at this time and having good dreams.

Woodpeckers are wonderful, and so funny, aren't they!

Thank you for your very kind words, Beth! It really warms my heart to read this. I mean it! Thank you! And God bless you!

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Woke up bit late and ate breakfast. Eggs and oat porridge. Then I went in the freezing sun outdoors. I went far this time, longer: 4,5 miles. I was so far away that I arrived at countryside. Seeing all meadows, where crops been harvested from last year. It was wonderful walk. I even found the biggest tree - birch - and leaned my back against it. I didn’t closed my eyes, but I looked at the sunset. I looked and I felt great than I ever did.

I went back on the same, icy road. It was slippery, cold. Everything was frozen. When I came back home after this wonderful walk, the sun had slowly but steady disappeared. I made me some coffee and enjoyed the rest of the day. Watched some British Antique Roadshow and my favourite - Salvage Hunters on Discovery Channel. I really love antique stuff, no matter what it is and no matter what era. Just love it.

Now I’m relaxing, will go to sleep and don’t think. And don’t worry. Relax, have faith. The problems are just like knots. And even the biggest, harder knot will untie itself.

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Your walk sounds absolutely lovely. Aren't birch trees special? The house in which I grew up had 3 birch trees in the yard.

I hope your sleep is refreshing.

Birch trees are very special indeed. You can also tap the water in spring from the young ones - very healthy water that you mix 1/2 of it in your glass with regular water and some concentrated juice. And drink. They also provide chaga, a fungus that you can collect and help the birch get rid off it. Then, dry it and blend it in a juice and drink. Or make a tea out of it. If you’re interested about it, I’ll give you a link to read about here:

Chaga Mushroom: Uses, Benefits and Side Effects

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