Bipolar check-in #62

Really feeling depressed today like really depressed. I am crying over nothing. I'm really mad at my wife right now for dying on me.
It should of been me that died my wife was a clean living person she did not do drugs she did not drink booze she was just a good person. Me on the other hand did live a party life drugs, alcohol and I smoked cigarettes and weed and I partied all the time. I did clean up a lot over the years but still.

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@otroo, these types of things are strange, indeed. It's just awful for your wife and all she left behind. However, though I'm not a particularly religious woman, I do believe things happen for an odd reason. With that in mind, you have some role to play in the future for yourself and all around you. Right now you are still deep into the grieving, but there will come a time when you'll need to sit and evaluate your situation and think about next steps for the future. I'm sure your wife would want you to find a new life that satisfies you.

Since my Lyrica (pregabalin) was raised from 50 mg per day to 100 mg per day I've experienced a bit of intermittent sedation. Today was a little less so. At least I kept super busy, while my husband napped for a good portion of the day.

At dinner I think my hubby and I had a good talk about the future. Hubby is sure that France would be a better place for us. I'm thinking he is right. The weather here in Czech Republic is less than ideal and the whole vibe is not "us". I am glad that I'm starting Czech studies, though. However, it's possible that after the full 10-week course is up that we might be switching to French. Or driving towards France.

It’s a lazy day. I had a horrible sinus problem yesterday and took Benadryl a couple times and used a wet hot cloth on my head. Feeling much better today.

Mum said there’s no reason to go shopping even though we’re low on several things, so I’m not going. I don’t want to use the car with its odd noises if I don’t have to. I can call Monday morning.

The night before and last night I had great dreams. Very beautiful but weird. Last night was a progressive hospital that I was simultaneously inpatient and working at. I was a actives director. But we were training people for high paying jobs when they were released. Pretty sure my former internist was the head doctor in the dream.

Just watching Seven Years in Tibet now. Wondering what the true story is.

Yeah I have been kind of proactive I actually got myself signed up for health insurance and I have been talking to a couple of companies that are willing to hire me on even though I have not worked in over 10 years so that is good. I am still waiting for the death certificate so I can close out some of her stuff. Thank I appreciate the response

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Sounds like you are making good progress.

You might want to look into grief support groups. Many are available online now due to Covid. Although I haven't been to one specifically for grief, I find mental health support groups very beneficial.

Yeah I am going next week to a group called Grief Share that was recommended to me here.

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I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry @otroo and I’m glad you have this forum to reach out to people!
Sending so many hugs

I’m doing reasonably ok tonight; mostly because I get to see my fiancé and I’ve had 2 large glasses of wine on top of my increased dose of meds .

I probably shouldn’t drink while undergoing a med change but it’s too late now and it’s not like I’m drinking loads and loads. I’m going to bed soon (it’s 8:30pm) anyway.
Besides that it’s been another emotional day! But defo less suicidal thoughts!

Nothing really new here -- been investing all my time in distractions lately. I missed my therapy appointment and I didn't get that job. That's all that's new here.

My mild depression continues. It's so uncomfortable.

Rough day and discomfort (and some deleted posts)

Where are Sapien and Mountaindew? I hope they'll check in. I also hope we hear from Christina soon.


Fortunately, the biggest complaint (sorry for all the complaining lately!) I have is the heat. I'm in shorts, t-shirt, bare feet - and still too warm. Such sudden heat makes me feel kind of unwell. Achy and sleepy. I'm looking forward to night when it's dark and cool. And I can allow myself to watch a show, haha.

So the world is being the world. It is my wish that the trucks would clear out of Ottawa and that the best possible solution comes from the Russia/Ukraine situation. Over 100 years ago my grandmother came from Belarus and my grandfather from Moscow to the US. A different world yet they, too, were escaping terrible political turmoil. There are now protests in Paris. During the time I was in Paris I saw protests every day, no kidding. Parisians are an amusing bunch.

Time to feed the kitties their supper. Love all around

I had a rough day yesterday. Very agitated and restless. Trouble in the classroom and outside of it. I took anxiety PRN in AM and PM to calm the restlessness.

I took the anxiety PRN and my sleep PRN but I couldn’t fall asleep right away due to the restlessness.

The restlessness carried over to today and I’m wondering now if it is akathisia from the seroquel xr increase. We went to cape may as I said, which is a two hour drive, and I felt like I had to keep moving. I was touching my face, messing with my hair, rubbing my neck, tapping my fingers. Thankfully we had a really nice time. We went to cape may point state park and had a leisurely walk through the woods and marshland. We went on the beach where there is an old WWII bunker and walked the distance back to the car. I forgot to turn on map my walk to record the miles but I would say it was about three. I think it helped get my energy out. It was so nice and calm there! We went to ocean city afterward with the intention of going to this delicious Mexican restaurant we ate at before but we neglected to check the website and we got there to find out was closed for the season! We went to another one which was good but not nearly AS good. We went on the OC boardwalk briefly but it was very crowded as everyone else was out enjoying the weather as well. We took my son to the candy shop and promptly left after we paid. It was so nice to be out in the sunshine! Tomorrow it is going to snow again though, UGH. Only a little though.

If the restlessness returns tomorrow I’m going to assume it is akathisia. Obviously exercise helps. I was avoiding the gym though because it was so cold and getting dark by the time I got home. And also because of the omicron spike. It’s still cold but I have a pair of leggings now instead of just gym shorts, and it’s not starting to get dark until 5ish. So maybe I’ll try going again. I was very upset yesterday when NONE of my pants fit. Not one pair of the size I was wearing for a year. I don’t know why I can’t control my eating all of a sudden. Maybe the increase of seroquel, maybe hormones, I’m not sure, but I feel just awful about myself. Maybe if I get back exercising I’ll feel better about myself.

Worked today, saw 3 clients supposed to see 4

but one had fallen and was in bed now.
so I will see her again in a couple of weeks.
My hubby made a magnificent salsa like dish for

the supper bowl party that he is attending.
Guys only.
I see a client who happens to be an md.
He has back issues.
I see him at 4pm tomorrow.
He has been a bit of a high drama kind of client.
We will see how tomorrow goes.

bizi

I haven’t seen them around over the last couple of days, I hope they’re all doing as well as possible!

@BethRags, it's possible that Sapien is in the hospital, but I'm not sure. I think I recall her mentioning that her NP (or pdoc) wanted her to go in. Many psych hospitals don't allow smartphones or other electronic devices. I have no idea why Mountaindewed is not around.

Like Pinny, I hope all are well or soon to be.

Oh yeah, I recall that about @Sapien too!
Hopefully they are all well!

I’m doing ok today, I’m still on an increased dose and it didn’t effect my sleep as much last night, but then I did have wine so maybe that made me sleep.
I’m still pretty low, but not as low as before, I wish I could get better quicker.
Tomorrow, I have to decide whether I go back to work on Wednesday. My pdoc, my support unit worker, my GP and my friends don’t think I should. But I feel so bad being off.
My support unit worker called me “vulnerable” at the moment which was a striking word to use, as I never thought of it like that.
I suppose I will probably listen to everyone but part of me just wants to get it over with and get back to work.

I hope everyone else is doing as well as possible. Sending hugs to you all

i saw a post from Mouintain that said account suspended. I don't know how long or anything but I did see that when I was scrolling through

I wouldn't assume that means he did anything to inspire the suspension. If I recall correctly, he asked moderators to temporarily suspend his account at least once in the past. It's foggy as to why, but I remember wondering why he didn't just step away. I didn't see the need to suspend his account just to step away, but everyone has their reasons, as incomprehensible as they can be.

He does have a temper. [Though many of us do.] If there was a suspension from moderators, that could have been why.

incomprehensible, maybe -- but some people have a hard time self-regulating. Perhaps if Mountaindewed in fact asked for a suspension, it was the only way that he could ensure he wouldn't log on. Just throwing that out there.

My day is going ok. Nothing really to note on my end.

Still really depressed but I am going to my parents for the super bowl. Could care less about the game but looking forward to visiting my parents.

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Used to care about the super bowl ads but they aren’t that cool any more so don’t watch the ads anymore either.

Last night was one of my full sleep meds night and I slept great, woke up early but stayed in bed until noon. It was a relaxed morning. Amazing vivid dreams. I love my dreams

5am came too early this morning. Im at work til 3 and soo tired. I promised my boyfriend I’d come over so I can’t nap.