Bipolar check-in #62

Good posts bizi and BethRags

Thank you for always being so kind and supportive to all

I can relate. I nearly set up an appointment with a therapist. I decided I did not have anything of ''value'' to talk about that I would feel comfortable or safe talking to a complete stranger about. And I did not want to feel rushed and pressured by that stranger... or worse. (that has been my experience with previous practitioners.... rushed and pressured or worse)

I can relate to living in my imagination a lot lately. A different land and/or era. Sounds wonderful

I think I felt a bit guilty amongst a host of other sub optimal feelings for not ''trying hard enough'' to ''get better'' by contacting a professional. But mostly, after a couple of weeks now, I think I made the right decision for me just then. Several other very sub optimal things were occuring at that same time. (in my personal life).. Sorry about being vague, there are a few things I don't feel comfortable talking about, almost anywhere. Maybe I might rethink in a month or so re those therapists. Definitely not right now.

[QUOTE=BethRags;7177813][FONT="Arial"][SIZE="2"][B]I was scrolling through the feline diabetes group I belong to, posted a suggestion for a new member (suggested that she contact an admin, since her question seemed really important), and the admin admonished me for my suggestion. I was very embarrassed and also angry. I'll get over it, I'm just burning a bit right now.

The admin doesn't seem to be a ''good fit'' for that group (idk....)

I'm sure you didn't do anything wrong. I would feel the same.

Maybe the correct answer would be to tell her your thoughts and what your feelings are. In fact I'm sure it's correct. I have not found that worked well for me though. (multiple times.... I might ''do better'' now but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure the main ''problem'' was me.... rather than their inability or unwillingness to listen.

I wish I could be more helpful. I'm being honest.

Let us know how the appointment goes!

I took one melatonin last night instead of 2. So I don't feel physically sick but I've been up since midnight since I really do need two. I think Pepsi zero sugar is bad to drink with meds. It has ginseng in it and some other herbs and stuff I don't think go well with meds. I didnt know it had all that stuff until I bought a case the other day. I had 2 cans today and my anxiety has been off the charts. I was talking to my therapist yesterday about kombucha interfering with meds and she laughed like I was an idiot and said anything you don't need an ID to buy is safe to drink. Which I think is pretty dangerous advice to give. I do a lot of risky stuff but I know to stay away from energy drinks especially ones like Bing.

I didn't realize covid had improved so much. I shut myself off from the outside world awhile ago because the news was too much. Now I hear its better then any other time during the pandemic.

But my anxiety is rough today and it was rough yesterday without caffeine. It is getting better now though. I did move my pdoc appointment to in person. It will be interesting seeing him. I've only seen him once in almost 2 years in person and I have been transtioning and I know he'll be proffesional but I'm wondering how he will react. It will probably be just like any other appointment but he will probably comment postively on things.

I had my second online Czech class tonight. It went quite well. I'll admit that I'm far above my two fellow classmates in terms of Czech knowledge (both for the language and culture). There is always some student(s) with a huge advantage. And Czech is a difficult language. I commend the two guys for taking on the challenge. I'm only starting at the very beginning because there's some knowledge I'm lacking. Like putting together full sentences with the proper conjugations, tenses, and cases. My vocabulary is otherwise fairly extensive. Sometimes I deliberately hold back so as not to sound like I know too much.

I finally have a good span of time without any major obligations. What a relief! I plan to do a lot of studying of my Czech. It's amazing how motivating this class is! I'm also lucky to have a native Czech at home to help with some of it. He's happy to see me taking it seriously. My s-i-l is also happy I'm finally studying. I very much like her (perhaps love) and confess to wanting her to respect me even more. In many ways I'm closer to her than to my own biological family members.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I had my second online Czech class tonight. It went quite well. I'll admit that I'm far above my two fellow classmates in terms of Czech knowledge (both for the language and culture). There is always some student(s) with a huge advantage. And Czech is a difficult language. I commend the two guys for taking on the challenge. I'm only starting at the very beginning because there's some knowledge I'm lacking. Like putting together full sentences with the proper conjugations, tenses, and cases. My vocabulary is otherwise fairly extensive. Sometimes I deliberately hold back so as not to sound like I know too much. I finally have a good span of time without any major obligations. What a relief! I plan to do a lot of studying of my Czech. It's amazing how motivating this class is! I'm also lucky to have a native Czech at home to help with some of it. He's happy to see me taking it seriously. My s-i-l is also happy I'm finally studying. I very much like her (perhaps love) and confess to wanting her to respect me even more. In many ways I'm closer to her than to my own biological family members.

Your connection with your SIL is a blessing. How exciting that you're taking the Czech class! Maybe don't hold back...your experience can help teach others.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hi Beth. For now, just CZ. We will also look in France, but I'd like to wait until spring to go there. We do look at online listings to see what's available. Strangely, a lot of the houses in France (excluding ones in cities like Paris or Nice) are better values than ones in CZ. Real estate in CZ isn't cheap, but at least other expenses are more economical. When I compare prices, I also consider New Jersey prices. Or specifically ones in my old New Jersey town. NJ property taxes are the highest in the US. At least in most European countries, where you live doesn't affect the quality of education kids receive as much. And fortunately they're not figuratively burning books like they now are in many US states. Awful!

What interesting information! For some reason, I hope you do end up in France. Maybe it's because of my personal love of the French language.

NJ property taxes highest in US - sheesh. When is this country going to catch up to the rest of the world???

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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear Good posts bizi and BethRags Thank you for always being so kind and supportive to all

Thank YOU, Fuzzy. You are a mentor for me

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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear I can relate. I nearly set up an appointment with a therapist. I decided I did not have anything of ''value'' to talk about that I would feel comfortable or safe talking to a complete stranger about. And I did not want to feel rushed and pressured by that stranger... or worse. (that has been my experience with previous practitioners.... rushed and pressured or worse) I can relate to living in my imagination a lot lately. A different land and/or era. Sounds wonderful I think I felt a bit guilty amongst a host of other sub optimal feelings for not ''trying hard enough'' to ''get better'' by contacting a professional. But mostly, after a couple of weeks now, I think I made the right decision for me just then. Several other very sub optimal things were occuring at that same time. (in my personal life).. Sorry about being vague, there are a few things I don't feel comfortable talking about, almost anywhere. Maybe I might rethink in a month or so re those therapists. Definitely not right now.

I strongly relate to your post. And thank you for understanding.

Ugh. Therapy appointment today and I have absolutely nothing to talk about. Honestly, I communicate here so effectively, and feel so supported, it doesn't leave much for therapy. But I've cancelled the past 2 sessions, so I'd feel rotten to cancel again today. Frustrating, though...feels like I'm just wasting my time.

On the feline diabetes support group, one admin ended up apologizing for the other admin who snapped at me. Hmm...maybe the crabby admin is known to be a problem in the group, behind the scenes.

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Well, I just cancelled my therapy appointment. On very short notice, for which I feel really bad. But. I so dislike wasting time, and a one hour therapy appointment really ends up being a 4 hour commitment. I will go next week, though, because I have an appt. for blood labs right after the therapy appt.

Ahh...I feel like my day has been freed up. I have work to do with the book business and I need to go to the grocery store. AND their bakery is rumoured to have a new, fresh shipment of macarons in today....haha.

Today will be disgustingly warm, as will the entire week-end until Monday, when hopefully the temperature will drop. I'll be wearing shorts today! Nutty.

I took the first Doxepin last night and my sleep was much better. Quite good, in fact. I don't feel any hangover, either.


First world problem...I have a regular hair stylist, I've been seeing her for 6 years. I adore her, she's like a good friend. However, for my last 3 out of 4 appointments she screwed up her time and either double-booked or mixed up my appointment. The third time I was really irritated and decided to see a new stylist. The new stylist cut my hair well enough, but she was a rather abrasive person. Okay, but I wasn't wild about her. However, I planned to return to her, since my usual stylist seems so scattered. I figured that was that.

So yesterday morning who calls but my long-time stylist, wondering how I was doing and letting me know she has ordered a new type of deep conditioner for thick, wavy hair. She wants to try it out on me at no charge to see how it works.

Yikes. How awkward. She'd certainly know that I had had a haircut since last seeing her. So I weighed the options and ended up making an appointment with her for mid-March, for a trim. I told her that I'd like to do the deep conditioning then, and that she is certainly welcome to charge me for it. I figure by mid-March she won't notice that my hair has been cut.

Silly stuff, but part of life. The last thing I want to do is hurt my usual stylist's feelings. We have such a good connection.

So there's my update for this morning!

Love all around <3

Im glad they apologised!


Mmm delicious, I hope you got some!!

Thats great that it worked, I hope it continues to help you!


This would probably really stress me out, I care way too much what people think of me. I hope you feel alright about it! In all honestly, can she blame you, she messed up your appt's!

I've always been a Francophile, myself. Time will tell where I end up.

I really do wish more Americans would learn more about the rest of the world, and what other people abroad have or don't have. I love my native country, but the excessive self-focus and continued "We're the best at everything and everything we have is the best" attitude only serves as a limitation that ultimately hurts the citizens. I wish I could knock some sense into more people. Legit education is key, yet one sector of the country is aiming to curb it even further.

I'm glad the Doxepin helped with your sleep. I hope it will continue to be a positive med for you. I sure wish I could try that deep conditioner for thick wavy (or curly) hair. I have such an unruly mop.

Hey BethRags, I agree that you communicate very effectively and I'm happy you feel so supported. I think I get what you're saying about that not leaving much room for therapy. I communicate more effectively in writing especially if the person irl is obviously very rushed (I would think that is somewhat ''normal''....) Is there any ''deeper'' stuff you could talk to the T about that you haven't posted here? idk I'm just speculating (I haven't been around very much for a while and I miss a lot of posts). I'm not sure how long you've been talking to this T for?

It took me a very long time to start to trust T1... so long that I believe/speculate he had already ''got bored''... I strongly speculate he was a Narcissist... I have spoken in depth to a couple of close friends about this and they agree with me. It's sad when someone ''unsuitable'' gets into that field and does not ''control'' their disorder enough to ALWAYS be a ''healer'' or at least to DO NO HARM. It's beyond obvious, to me, that if a therapist is bored, triggered, ''indifferent'' or something similar by some of their clients they Should refer the client to another T. Unless they can work on THEIR stuff without spilling it out on the client in destructive and cruel ways I must have been very naive.

My parental units wanted to keep me ''naive'' (as a child and even an adolescent) so they could Control me... until it suited them to throw me out.

I'm glad the crappy admin wasn't just crappy to you!

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Originally Posted by Pinny ...

Thank you so much, Pinny. Actually...you're correct. My stylist did screw up 3 appointments. I forgot not to blame myself for her mistakes.

The bakery did have new macarons in - and they now sell them in 10 or 20 to a box

My pdoc got back to me by email and said she can't change a treatment plan outside of an appointment.

I'm going to try to get in to see her next Tuesday. Hopefully there's an appointment available.

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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear Hey BethRags, I agree that you communicate very effectively and I'm happy you feel so supported. I think I get what you're saying about that not leaving much room for therapy. I communicate more effectively in writing especially if the person irl is obviously very rushed (I would think that is somewhat ''normal''....) Is there any ''deeper'' stuff you could talk to the T about that you haven't posted here? idk I'm just speculating (I haven't been around very much for a while and I miss a lot of posts). I'm not sure how long you've been talking to this T for? Thank you, Fuzzy. I should have said that I feel at ease with posting here. I've been with my therapist for about 2 1/2 years. She's a tremendously kind woman and I adore her. But her huge focus is on CBT. CBT is mildly helpful for me, but it has vast limitations for me. I have worked with some "deeper" issues with her, but didn't find her too great with handling them. She just defaults to CBT skills. And, I'm not even sure I want to work with deeper things anymore. I'm just so tired of therapy at this point. And I'm sooo lucky because meds are keeping me stable. It took me a very long time to start to trust T1... so long that I believe/speculate he had already ''got bored''... I strongly speculate he was a Narcissist... I have spoken in depth to a couple of close friends about this and they agree with me. It's sad when someone ''unsuitable'' gets into that field and does not ''control'' their disorder enough to ALWAYS be a ''healer'' or at least to DO NO HARM. It's beyond obvious, to me, that if a therapist is bored, triggered, ''indifferent'' or something similar by some of their clients they Should refer the client to another T. Unless they can work on THEIR stuff without spilling it out on the client in destructive and cruel ways I must have been very naive. It is terribly unfortunate that so many therapists are highly dysfuntional people. I'm very sorry that that was your experience. My parental units wanted to keep me ''naive'' (as a child and even an adolescent) so they could Control me... until it suited them to throw me out. Oh, I understand that! All too well... I'm glad the crappy admin wasn't just crappy to you! Thank you. So am I. I will watch out for her from now on. Big, soft hugs to you, Fuzzy dear.

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Originally Posted by Scooter9 My pdoc got back to me by email and said she can't change a treatment plan outside of an appointment. I'm going to try to get in to see her next Tuesday. Hopefully there's an appointment available.

Oh, how I dislike when they say that! It seems silly to me. It seems they could take a look at your records, take into consideration your current concerns, and make appropriate changes.

Anyway, I hope Tuesday works out.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour ... I really do wish more Americans would learn more about the rest of the world, and what other people abroad have or don't have. I love my native country, but the excessive self-focus and continued "We're the best at everything and everything we have is the best" attitude only serves as a limitation that ultimately hurts the citizens. I wish I could knock some sense into more people. Legit education is key, yet one sector of the country is aiming to curb it even further. ...

As my grandmother would have said, in Yiddish, From your mouth to God's ears!

I woke up energized and got excited that my Spring hypomania was starting. The weather has turned mild, hovering around freezing and i think i see buds on treetops in the distance. I got to some laundry that i've been putting off for a while and feel great about that.

But by noon my energy had run out. I guess it's no catastrophe if i spent most of the day dozing or sitting quietly watching the sky or the fireplace app. In some ways it's better than watching soaps which poison my mind with their oppressive messages about women and beauty or my other activities that i've done nth times.

Anyways i feel pretty good, comfortable in my cozy home with my sweet dog for company. I'm sure i'm still coasting on relief from getting my dog's ordeal over with yesterday.

At any rate, it's nice to be feeling good!

@BethRags:

I don't care for CBT either. I was first introduced to it thirty years ago, before it was even a thing, when my psychiatrist's students just gave me a lesson and hand-outs about it. I find i can identify the "hot thought," deduce the thinking error and create the adaptive thought. I just don't believe the adaptive thought! Also, i've read that it's just human vanity to theorize that we are thinking beings who feel. Really, we are feeling beings who think! I feel professionals cling to CBT out of a need to feel that their work is evidence-based. I'm always more moved by random acts of kindness, even by someone holding the door for me, than i ever was by any CBT Thought Record!

I must agree about CBT. No help to me whatsoever. I resisted DBT for a long time as well. I softened this summer when I Was in IOP this summer but I still just mostly use the distress tolerance skills. I liked the program I was in because DBT was sprinkled in, it wasn’t the full intensive course. That did nothing for me. I need talk therapy above all. But different types of therapy work for different people so I can see how a DBT course might be helpful to some. I just don’t think it addresses the root of the flawed behavior and thought patterns which is what I need.

@whatever2013
Jane, I’m with you, I think the unseasonably warm and sunny weather this week has amped me up a bit. I could not sleep at all last night. I can tell I’m not going to sleep tonight either so I already took the PRN seroquel and hopefully it will work without making it too difficult to wake.

I felt bad for my student today. I could barely get one coherent sentence out of her. I don’t know if this is true for anyone else here but I can tell pretty immediately if someone is manic and/or psychotic by their eyes. Hers were really scary today. Mind do it too, I just don’t notice when I’m in the thick of it. When I came out of the hospital last may I looked at a selfie I’d taken right before I went in and saw how wild my eyes looked! I looked out of my mind.

Tomorrow and Saturday are supposed to be nearly 60 degrees and mostly sunny. We’re taking a day trip on Saturday down to cape may, which is the very bottom tip of NJ. It will be chillier down there but I don’t care, I’ve got to get tf out of the house and so does my son. RS is always up for going out, he gets very antsy sitting around all day. It should be fun, there’s lots to do in cape may even in the winter.

I got out a little today and it helped. I went to the dentist for fillings last week and 3 weeks ago and had a biopsy 2 weeks ago and those are the only times I've been out since early January. Even then the only times I've been out were medical and then only what couldn't be done on telehealth. I haven't been in a store or anything since November (except the pharmacy quickly once). So going to the post office was a big deal. We were going to go to Walmart but it was packed so we didn't but at least it was a ride since it's not near home.


Sunday we're going 2 hours to my sister's so that's going to be a big deal. I can't wait. My nieces were here in early January but we haven't seen them much since they went back to in-person school and the weather has been bad.


I just feel like I was let out of my cage.

Maybe soon I can see my therapist in person. I know that would help but all the omicron risk has to be gone first.


I'm actually feeling sleepy since is kind of novel. Maybe tonight my increased gabapentin dose will work and I'll sleep more normally. Maybe my increased AD is starting to help too. I'll know soon I guess.

@BethRags thank you, I ended up sleeping good. A little too good actually, I slept till almost 2pm. But I'm glad I slept because I felt very on edge and like I was about to do something to hurt myself and my anxiety and agitation were extreme, rest is always good

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I have to go to the library tomorrow to return some books. My agoraphobia has been so bad these past several months. It's basically been bad since COVID started. I had issues with it before that but it's only gotten worse since then. I'm trying to work on it.

Have plans to hang out with a friend on Saturday which requires walking to his house so that will get me out a bit. And social interaction. I desperately need social interaction. I haven't spent any time with anyone since Christmas. I'm an introvert and even I'm getting lonely at this point. My sister is hopefully coming over Sunday too.

I decided I'm going to learn how to bake bread. First with using a bread maker and then eventually learn how to make it by hand. Last time I was at the grocery store they barely had any bread. So I think it would be good to learn to bake my own in case I ever can't find it. I have always wanted to learn how to anyway so it will be fun. And honestly fresh baked bread is way better than the pre sliced loaves from the store anyway. I'll definitely post pics when I do. My sister let me borrow her bread maker. She's going to help me use it sometime next month. I think we're going to make an Italian herb loaf. Eventually I'll buy my own bread maker because I can see myself wanting to make different kinds of bread frequently.

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Doing a little better tonight my kiddo and I went over to my parents and had a nice dinner. I had to leave earlier cause I started getting sick but had a good night anyways. I am really lucky to have such a good support team.