Bipolar check-in #62

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I'm in a mood today. It started yesterday around 5. I finally got to try the new Baskin Robbins ice cream that taste like roses. But I had already taken my meds and melatonin before I went at 5. When I got home I was super tired and I fell asleep. It was still at my normal 6:30-7 time. My mom woke me up about half an hour later to eat shrimp. Then I fell back asleep until like 8:47. I don't know why I woke up at time. I tried a few melatonin. I tried a 20mil geodon. Finally I tried a can of coffee since it often does the opposite for me. And then I fell asleep from 2:30 until 7:15. I then chugged a Mountain Dew. But I just feel tired from last night and anxious and my stomach is off from the meds and caffeine. And I have the winter blues real bad. I have about $12 left on my Starbucks birthday gift card that I'm going to use to get a pink drink and a sandwich. Hopefully the day improves. I got caught up with both last nights Drag Race and last nights Celeberity Big Brother but they were both 2 hours long and even though I fast forward the commercials the day is still half gone. I got my med box filled for next week but besides that I have not done much. My anxiety has been off and on but my physical symptoms have been fine all day and my moods have improved. Someone I knew in high school facebok messaged me asking a bit about the trans stuff. Mainly the name I currently go by now. I asked her if she was suprised when I annouced my transtion and she said not at all and she figured it out even before I annouced it she is not the only one who has told me that. Thats why I get annoyed at the people who just suddenly annouce they are trans because they think its cool as opposed to someone like me who you just knew.

That's cool, about your high school friend. One of the dearest friends I've had in my life was a woman I met through work. She was an extraordinary human being. We were working for a teen crisis counseling center. My friend was lesbian and told me she knew from first grade.

Ice cream that tastes like roses...that sounds so lovely.

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Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 YEP! I cant wait to take my granny to my graduation.

This makes me smile. I know your granny can't wait to go to your graduation!

What about your parents?

I took the Seroquel last night and fell asleep right away. My sleep was remarkably better. What a tremendous relief! I am having a bit of hangover, but if I'm sleepy this afternoon I'll take a nap. I wish I could sleep all day, but I have to take care of the kitties and do laundry...clean the bathroom...the usual stuff.


I'm stressing a lot over Sidney's high glucose numbers. Her vet didn't call yesterday, which didn't surprise me, since I didn't send her spreadsheet to him until afternoon. I really do hope he calls on Monday. I seriously need to calm down and just take her treatment step by step. It's possible that she needs a different type of insulin, for example. Besides her symptoms of extreme hunger, being very thirsty, and peeing frequently, her behavior is normal. She's her usual wonderful self. I get frustrated with myself when I'm not being practical and objective about a situation that requires objectivity and patience.

Where's Jane (whatever) and where's Moose? I have to assume that Sapien is IP. I hope we hear from her before much longer.

I SH again when I couldn’t sleep last night. I made a mess of things. I woke up with regret. I took even more Xanax out of desperation to get to sleep before I really did something dumb. No one wants to go to the ER at 1am.

I’m not gonna take Xanax anymore right now, it’s not helping and it’s the more dangerous of the two options if I lose track.

I was super hungover this morning from all the extra sedatives and as such I wasn’t restless, just severely depressed, which is MUCH more preferable. Odd statement but true. However once the meds wore off around 1pm it was back to how it has been. RS convinced me to put his fleece pants in over my leggings And layer up for a quick walk outside after he watched me twist my hands and bounce my leg for ten minutes. It helped, it was freaking cold with the wind gusting at 30-40mph but I got some energy out and I’ve now taken 50mg seroquel (dr recommended) to remain calm.

I’m still not sure if staying off work for a few days is a good idea, I’m still waiting it out to see if the larger dose of seroquel XR takes hold before then. If not I may have to. It does give me a distraction but I’m not able to be my best self, I want to punch everyone who even looks at me the wrong way. That’s not fair on the students or my teammates.

I think I’m going to take a short nap. I keep hoping when I wake up it will have all disappeared.

Well my dads dead and my mom has little effort to be a part of my life. I’ll take my granny

I wish people would not joke so much about Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson. Kanye sounds like a really scary obsessive dude and has admitted to being off his meds. Just because you have a ton of money and are famous doesn't mean you are safe from being stalked or worse.

Anyone remember the singer Selena and what happened to her?

I wonder if watching more TV then normal and also cutting back on caffeine has messed up my sleep and therefore my moods. Like caffeine withdrawels. I had been drinking 4 cans of caffeinated soda. Now I am down to 2 at the most. But I have 3 TV shows going right now and I have I think a 42 inch TV mounted on the wall in front of my bed.

I wonder if those 2 things are causing issues. I know once I chugged a can of coffee at 2:30 this morning I passed out.

I am very tired and I have not taken my melatonin or geodons yet. So its probably just exhaustion from last night. Hopefully I can hold off a bit longer on everything and sleep normally tonight. I've been trying to watch TV in my room but the laundry is so loud even with the volume at 23 I can't hear anything. I often wonder if its this TV.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I SH again when I couldn’t sleep last night. I made a mess of things. I woke up with regret. I took even more Xanax out of desperation to get to sleep before I really did something dumb. No one wants to go to the ER at 1am. I’m not gonna take Xanax anymore right now, it’s not helping and it’s the more dangerous of the two options if I lose track. I was super hungover this morning from all the extra sedatives and as such I wasn’t restless, just severely depressed, which is MUCH more preferable. Odd statement but true. However once the meds wore off around 1pm it was back to how it has been. RS convinced me to put his fleece pants in over my leggings And layer up for a quick walk outside after he watched me twist my hands and bounce my leg for ten minutes. It helped, it was freaking cold with the wind gusting at 30-40mph but I got some energy out and I’ve now taken 50mg seroquel (dr recommended) to remain calm. I’m still not sure if staying off work for a few days is a good idea, I’m still waiting it out to see if the larger dose of seroquel XR takes hold before then. If not I may have to. It does give me a distraction but I’m not able to be my best self, I want to punch everyone who even looks at me the wrong way. That’s not fair on the students or my teammates. I think I’m going to take a short nap. I keep hoping when I wake up it will have all disappeared.

I hope this isn't too blunt, but I believe it needs saying. wfc, I am really concerned about you. I have watched you unravel over these past few weeks. Now you're SH...I don't have any great advice for you, but I do believe that you need to take whatever step is necessary to feel more stable. For example, when will you see your pdoc? I know that many professionals disagree with me, but in my experience medication is almost always the first place to look for stability.

@BethRags
You are not being too blunt, don’t worry. Honestly I haven’t noticed myself decompensating to this point but you’re right. I am not doing well right now, not at all. The SH wasn’t even a want, it wasn’t like “oh I’m depressed, this is what I’d like to do, let’s go for it”. It was “do it or you will not survive this episode”.

I do not know when I will see pdoc again, I didn’t make an appointment when I left and I did not pick up the phone when they called to make one. Pdoc told me she will be in again on Tuesday and to call then. When I saw her on Thursday she only changed the seroquel xr to 400mg. I had been taking 300mg for a few weeks I think, maybe two or three, no idea honestly.

I hate IP, I just hate it. I didn’t used to. Every time I go now, though, I know how much I’m hurting my son and I can’t stand it. I try so hard to hide this all from him so he doesn’t feel like it’s his fault or his responsibility to fix me. When my facade does slip occasionally I just say I’m very sad because my brain is acting up, but it’s not his fault and I will be ok. But I really can’t pretend if I have to go away, can I? RS is more than capable of caring for him but he is an emotional man, which I love, but it’s difficult for him to hide his sadness when I am IP.

I just don’t see what IP would even do for me in the first place, I’ve been on so many meds and there are too many unacceptable side effects. And pdocs don’t believe me sometimes when I say I’m having a side effect because it’s not well known. But I can find it listed on like whatever those sites are, drugs.com or rxlist or something.

I don’t know, I just don’t know. RS is home until Tuesday at least.

[QUOTE=Pinny;7180757]I’m sorry you’re struggling with your sleep @tentoedsloth
Just remember to be kind to yourself and don’t put too much pressure on yourself!
I found that doing 20 mins of yoga every night helped relax me when I was struggling to sleep. Unfortunately now I have the opposite problem and seem to spend all my time sleeping

@Pinny

Thanks for the comments. I've heard that yoga helps and I think I should try it. Any particular kind or poses? Maybe I should do a search--"yoga for sleep"-- since you might not want to seem to be prescribing without a license.

You probably don't get a lot of sympathy here for sleeping too much but I understand. A long while ago I remember getting so sleepy by mid-evening that I couldn't sit and read a book without falling mostly asleep and nearly falling over, and it was very annoying. It felt like so much of the day was unusable.

@BethRags
It's that way for me. When I take mine, I get to feeling so fine I think I'm over it, and I quit, but in a few months everything seems so hard again. Then I go back to the pills, and within a few days things slowly start making sense again.

And here's my daily check-in.

I probably slept a little more last night, and today was a pretty good day. What happened was that I fell asleep fairly quickly, then woke up in a state of anxiety, but then got back to sleep, but then woke up...I have no idea how much actual sleep I got, but I haven't been too tired to get a lot done.

Someone asked a while back if I knew what caused the sleep problems.. I think it's pure and simple a brain chemistry problem. My father and brother had sleep problems too. With me, I can be cruising along having a pretty good life and decent sleep, with nothing going wrong in my life, and then one night I will wake up at like 3 am, jumping to a sitting position and in a state of panic. And then a string of sleepless nights follows, or no sleep one or 2 nights and then good sleep the next. This is one of the reasons it's easy to believe the bipolar diagnosis, because I researched this weird sleep pattern and some reputable source I can't remember said that this was characteristic of bipolar.

Anyway, back to today... the detailed schedule may be doing me a lot of good. I have something listed for every half hour, or a few things have an hour scheduled, and it's mildly challenging to get it all done, but I tend to rise to a challenge, so there's not much time to sit around worrying. It makes me tired too, which may help with the sleep. Today will be the first day I got EVERY. THING. DONE. !!!

Reading and replying to this website is set for 7 to 8 pm. See you then if I can stay with it. (I'm running a little late today but the last things are easy and can be shortened, like reading a book, and I scheduled several catch-up half hours, one coming soon, so I'll finish. )

My grandmother was my favorite family member. She always had time for me and was never critical, just supportive.

They say you only really need one person who thinks you're great.

I know what you’re feeling and I’m sorry, I’m in the same place. Do the pdoc appointment. The side effects are what has led me down a med change every month. There has to be something that works enough to be tolerable.

All I can say is IP scares the crap out of me.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 @BethRags You are not being too blunt, don’t worry. Honestly I haven’t noticed myself decompensating to this point but you’re right. I am not doing well right now, not at all. The SH wasn’t even a want, it wasn’t like “oh I’m depressed, this is what I’d like to do, let’s go for it”. It was “do it or you will not survive this episode”. I do not know when I will see pdoc again, I didn’t make an appointment when I left and I did not pick up the phone when they called to make one. Pdoc told me she will be in again on Tuesday and to call then. When I saw her on Thursday she only changed the seroquel xr to 400mg. I had been taking 300mg for a few weeks I think, maybe two or three, no idea honestly. I hate IP, I just hate it. I didn’t used to. Every time I go now, though, I know how much I’m hurting my son and I can’t stand it. I try so hard to hide this all from him so he doesn’t feel like it’s his fault or his responsibility to fix me. When my facade does slip occasionally I just say I’m very sad because my brain is acting up, but it’s not his fault and I will be ok. But I really can’t pretend if I have to go away, can I? RS is more than capable of caring for him but he is an emotional man, which I love, but it’s difficult for him to hide his sadness when I am IP. I just don’t see what IP would even do for me in the first place, I’ve been on so many meds and there are too many unacceptable side effects. And pdocs don’t believe me sometimes when I say I’m having a side effect because it’s not well known. But I can find it listed on like whatever those sites are, drugs.com or rxlist or something. I don’t know, I just don’t know. RS is home until Tuesday at least.

I understand about IP. And I certainly understand your feelings about your son.

Please, will you call your psychiatrist first thing Monday?

I've become obsessed with Sidney's glucose numbers. Obsessed. I keep having numbers in my mind, they're stuck like a song gets stuck. I realize it's anxiety. I just have to be patient until Monday when I can receive guidance from her vet. I have got to keep myself sane.

may they can draw blood and check her a1c to see how her blood sugars have over the last 3 months.
bizi

Aww I’m so sorry @BethRags
It must be so difficult to cope with. You’re doing so well and Monday will be here soon (I know not soon enough) but you’ve got this!

@tentoedsloth
That’s great you’re managing a schedule. Well done because it’s not easy!
As for the yoga, I used to watch YouTube videos and follow them. Some were poses, some were breathing. I think I used to search “relaxation yoga” or something like that! It did make a huge difference.
And thank you, yeah the hypersomnia is a bit of a nightmare. I just get so incredibly tired. Yet I sleep soo much! Hopefully it settles when I’m out of this episode!

I understand! You remember when my cat Cheeto was sick, every day I was gripped with anxiety about how this could be his last day and I’ll never know why. We worry about our animals like we worry about our human friends and family. I don’t know if something like a guided meditation might help? Just to give you a break from the anxiety. Sometimes I listen to nature sounds and just push everything out, even for just a minute or two.

I do hope everything turns out well with Sidney. Hopefully your vet can get everything under control soon.

They are closed Monday and messages on the machine tend to get lost by the desk staff. I will definitely call Tuesday when they open, though. If only to set up a new appointment.

My husband has gotten into the habit of taking long naps after lunch. He wanted to go to see a street in a village that has a house of a famous Czech writer of the past. I told him I was in the middle of a baking project, so he just went to bed. I decided to make homemade English muffins of all things. They are not to be found in Czech Republic. They're now done and taste pretty good, but are smaller than Thomas' English muffins and a bit different in texture. I want to try a different recipe next time.

As if a miracle, Hubby suggested that we "clean out the attic" of stuff we don't need. We're yet to start, but what a progress that would be! We have way too much stuff that we were forced to bring from the US. Someday when we move again, we must have a lighter load. There's stuff of his that is absolutely ridiculous to keep.

I got on the scale to find that I gained back what I'd lost. I sort of guessed it.

I feel so depressed that I am having a hard time eating and I feel sick with anxiety. I was but my cat came and laid on my lap as soon as I was thinking about that so I made myself just go to sleep. My head hurts from all the crying last night. I'm having a lot of self hatred right now

I slept pretty good last night. I drank a 20oz bottle of Coke and then a can of zero sugar Pepsi and a can of zero sugar Mountain Dew. I then didn't take my first valium on time so my anxiety is a bit sucky right now. I ate a can of tuna with 28 grams of protein and some baked lays BBQ chips. My weight was good today. I weighed myself at 4:15 and saw the number and said "I'll take that." Then I hid the scale under my TV stand so I wouldnt be tempted to weigh myself again when I went for a shower at 6AM. I had on a tank top, jeans, and boots. I have a hoodie on now. My self esteem goes up when I wear a tank top with jeans. I like dressing like Freddie Mercury for some reason. My mom has told me that she doesn't like tank tops in general because they look sloppy. But I wanted to, but couldn't wear them for so many years until I got the top surgery, so yeah I'm going to wear them now.

My sister is dropping my nephews off in a bit and then they are all staying for dinner. They are off school tomorrow so they may be staying late tonight. I'm glad I have my family close by and if I can get a consistently good therapy relationship going with my therapist I'd be totally happy living here.

Eating healthy is a scam. I can buy a $6 burger, fries, sundae meal from Dairy Queen but eat over 2000 calories or spend $11 on a grande pink drink and 2 egg bites from Starbucks but only eat 310 calories.

The agitation has gone and in its wake is severe, soul crushing depression.

I am perfectly fine with laying on this couch for the rest of my life. I hope my body melds with the cushions.

The SH thoughts are high but it’s no longer an all consuming need so that’s good, I guess.

I got up and did half the dishes to prove that I’m not a useless lump. That’s enough for today. Except I have to take my son to his paternal grandfather’s. Can’t back out. We’ve been trying since before Christmas.

I think RS is going to drag me out semi-against my will for another short walk. It’s freezing out and I don’t want to be out there but I don’t think he’s going to let me lay here all day. He does love me very much.

Edit: oops, spoke too soon. Now I want to punch everything.